Some Perspective please..

[Lilypad34]

Alot has happened since I posted on here last year, my OH and I got married just before Christmas last year, we were at first thinking to go away just the two of us but after giving it some thought I realised it wasn't fair to ask my OH to be without his daughter so we got married at home with our closest friends and family. I asked my DSD (9) to be my bridesmaid. The night before the wedding she spent it with me and 3 of my best girlfriends we put Christmas music on danced around made non alcoholic cocktails and had a pamper party, she loved it and at 6 am the next morning we were all awoken by her shouting 'You're getting married' at the top of her lungs!!! very sweet.

She was absolutely wonderful and I was so very proud of her she looked so beautiful. Our wedding was perfect..the day after DSD was collected by her mum as they were going away for Christmas and New Year (we were not happy about not seeing her at all for 2 weeks..another story) Fast forward to our honeymoon..

Due to my work schedule I had to leave the UK for a month 10 days after our wedding and so we booked our honeymoon for my return in February.

A few days into our honeymoon and my DH got the most vile manipulative text from his Ex girlfriend saying thank you for putting DSD last, for swanning off on holiday leaving her for and entire 10 days with his daughter. "organising childcare" as she puts it, she works part time and her mum regularly has her. We booked our honeymoon in November and she knew the dates all seemed to be fine.

We have shared care so half the time we have her it's not every other weekend we see her often and she stays with us like I said half the time, we live close to her mother (too close if you ask me!) so it's never really an issue of when we have her. DH is involved in everything DSD does.

I am so tired of this woman, I'm tired of her feeling she's entitled to walk through our lives whenever she feels like it, after we got back DH went to see her and told her she was out of line and those kinds of texts are unhelpful and cause friction, she apparently apologised and gave DH a spread sheet of the days we are to have her...I am fuming! I know there needs to be flexibility, i'm open to that I don't want DSD to feel unwelcome or to be messed about. However the exes insistence on trying to rule our lives is maddening. Why can't she just call and say 'I know it's not your day but would you mind if..'

Am I being unfair? I have said nothing to her thus far but I feel it won't be long before I lose my rag with her!!

It's not going to change just because you've got married! (Congratulations btw!)

If your DH allowed his ex to walk all over him beforehand, then him getting married will only motivate his ex to test his boundaries to ensure they haven't moved.

It's up to your DH and his ex to agree a contact/care rota for their DD - and while he should be taking your opinion into consideration, you can't influence those agreements in any way.

OP, I waited far too long to get our lives sorted without exw butting in.
Get mediation, counseling, whatever, but don't let this situation drag on.
There is an unhealthy atmosphere at work here where exw can't let go of your dh (congratulations, btw) and will use their dd to get back at him etc.
we are making use of couple counseling atm, but after 4 yrs of cow towing to ex and the disney parenting that follows in its wake, our marriage is hanging by a thread.
If she withholds contact get a court order, horrible business, but way better then fuming and stewing about the way it should be.
And then make sure your input into your family is recognized and validated. Xx

She was never married to him, not even close which I think is a sticking point and NotaDisneyMum you're right I think she is testing her boundaries. DH has changed towards her, I wouldn't have married him if he'd continued to bury his head! He has become far more unwilling to converse if she starts ranting. I feel she knows it's all changing.

She can't cope with DSD for long periods they end up arguing - I'm sorry but on what planet do you argue with a 9 year old?! there are things she wants DSD to do which she refuses such as empty the dishwasher, keep her room tidy etc.

A few weeks ago, I had had enough it's clear that mum feels she lacks support that we can do as we please and she can't only that isn't true I am only at home every other month for a month and so anything we would like to do has to be discussed and worked around DSD which is fine, continuity is important but even when all of this is done she will still afterwards suddenly make a big deal out of it.

DH and the ex are able to talk on some level so I suggested he find out from her exactly what it is that she wants DSD to do and if he finds it reasonable then we would do the same at our house. As I say they are 10 mins away and we see DSD every other day or every 2 days we have her roughly 3 nights a week and quite a few weekends too. Once he had asked and the ex had given her ideas I suggested that when he took DSD home to go in and they all sit down and together tell DSD what was required of her and that it would from now on be the same in each house regardless.

Afterwards The ex, told DH to thank me very much (I don't get involved in discussions, I don't attend parents evening I keep very much away from a parental role outside of our home, I do not want her mum to feel I am trying to be mum)

All seemed to be going well, DSD seemed more secure..then Mum tells DSD about the dates shes been on how he has 2 girls of his own blah blah and has had DSD sent to her grandmothers or auntys house if we are unable to have her (non rota days) DSD freaks out crys says how she misses her mum and the ex goes back to square one yelling about how DSD is not a priority..It's so wearing, everything we do we consider first DSD as any parent would I guess.

I don't begrudge this woman making a new life, of course she needs time to herself and we do honestly consider this, if say we have a weekend free I suggest that if DSD would like to be with us then to come on over, allowing the ex to go out and do whatever, It's like Jekyll and Hyde, one minute she's saying thanks the next shes's going off her head about how selfish DH is!!!

I really want to find a happy medium, I'd like to have a good relationship with mum I just don't know how to do this! I am not a threat I would support her if she's having problems with DSD it just seems to be a continuous cycle of never ending ups and downs. I don't live in fantasy land I know it's not all plain sailing but this is getting ridiculous.

We had DSD for mothers day, ex was spending the day with her mum and sister which I find weird, anyway I asked DSD if she'd like to make some cupcakes for her mum, she made them I only assisted. DSD took them home the next day only to find them in the bin, untried untested.

This little girl is only 9 and it seems she has the weight of the world on her, we do everything at ours to allow her to be 9 we do alot with her, but it's not always enjoyable because she has these bloody awful screaming rages, I don't know how to help her, I don't know how to support my DH because I am so enraged that this woman who has a precious gift could be so awful!! I don't give in to her rages, I don't yell at her I either leave the room and tell her when she's calm I'll come back or if she's really going mad I have been known to just hug her and then she cries.

If we could have her full time we would but at this point it is not possible. I just don't know what else I can do and is it even my business??

So sorry this is so long!

congrats!

I think your DH needs to ignore the ex to some extent. The more she gets a reaction the more she will try it on.

You know she cant cope very well for long periods so I think it's unlikely she will withhold contact (or at least, not for long).

If I were him I'd ignore her except for factual stuff around contact time, then she cant play the power card. It's unfortunate, I think, that he went round to speak to her after you got back from honeymoon as she is getting a pay off (for her) in terms of getting his attention. I think both you and he should pay less attention to her antics and focus on yourselves and DSD. The more the ex thinks you are talking about her, thinking about her and getting cross about stuff she is doing, the more she will love it. and the more she will do!

If it helps at all, my DH's ex has spent years trying to interfere, sends incendiary texts and emails and thank goodness we are at the point now of just reading them, having a good laugh at them and moving on... They are so ridiculous there's no point in validating them with a reply. I used to get very cross and angry about them but realise there's no point and she is a sad lonely individual who is trying to get a reaction. We've been married 10 years by the way!! It does get better!!

PS when it comes to helping your DSD, remember you cannot be responsible for the mother's parenting. You can only do your best when DSD is at yours and support your DH as best you can. Unfortunately there are no guidebooks for that as far as my experience goes anyway!

I think, to talk frankly, any idea of supporting the ex or becoming friendly with her is probably off limits for the medium term at least so I would put that out of your mind for now. As you have said yourself, the ex is volatile and unpredictable so there's no stable footing to work from. You can control what happens when DSD is at your house - as to what happens the rest of the time, I think you have to accept that there's nothing you can (or should) do.

I'm finding it hard to understand when she is with you and when she is with her mum. Is there a routine for contact with each of you?

I think ignoring her is a good plan, though she does tend to text about DSD and somewhere in there have a rant! We do have a routine Pinkshaman yes.

When is she with each of you?

It's hard to explain has DH has set shifts but he will have her 2 nights during his shifts that allow 1 night for tea and 2 nights and days that he is off. Some weeks that can be 4 days other works out to be 3 her mum has her the rest except for 1-2 nights that her nan has her.

So her Mum has 50% of her life DSD free and this is still not enough time for her to do her own thing? Sounds like she would be better off with you and DH. Shame it's not an option.

All you can do is reassure her that she is wanted and loved and not react to her Mum's rants. I'm in a very similar situation as the evil SM with joint residency and I can empathise, it's really tough.

Ok, the nasty text about you two going on honeymoon etc sounds to me like she's got the wrong end of the stick, ie, there's been some kind of miscommunication there. Not sticking up for her but it sounds like you are far too involved, this girl has two parents, whether you agree with the mother's parenting skills stands for nothing. Sorry I don't mean to sound unsympathetic but from reading your post it does sound like you're being a bit ott with this woman, she is entitled to have rants now and again and also to have a life, her ex did, with you. I would try and keep out and definitely say nothing to this woman, it's nothing to do with you how she raises her child. I'm sure the ex has a whole other take on the situation. As a person married to someone with children you'll have to grit your teeth a lot of the time and let them get on with raising their child.

Totally agree Jan, my teeth have been ground to stubs!
I'm a bit of a people pleaser, so its really difficult for me to sit on my hands and detach from parenting my dsc. I just want everybody to be happy in our home.
ATM all is well but mostly I think because 4 yrs in and dh, ex and me are now in our late 40s and running out of steam...
Dsc are preteen and midteen, so also well able to put forth opinions and want them respected, and my own teen ds requires plenty of unwanted attention himself.
But GOD, IT IS HARD.

So when she starts ranting about how she can't cope with having dsd and she wants us to take them, that I should give up my job and stay at home I am meant to keep out of it?! When dsd is at our house it's our rules, what she does outside is for her parents to deal with. I am not going to sit on my hands while his ex randomly turns up at our house with dsd in tow saying 'I have 2pm hair appointment you couldn't take her could you' It's our home and our space she is invading. if she kept her distance I would have no cause to be pissed off.

lily If your DPs ex rants about you giving up work, then ignore it! You don't have to have any direct contact with her, and if your DP is telling you what she says, then your problem is with him, not his ex.
Similarly, if she turns up with your DSD unexpectedly, then leave your DP to deal with it at the time.
That's not to say that you and he shouldn't agree at strategy for dealing with it, but he needs to implement it, and if he decides to cancel plans with you in order to jump to his ex's demands then that is a problem you have with him, not his ex.

Update..I am away with work and have been for 5 weeks, Last night I had a text from DH. He told me that when the Ex Gf came to collect DSD he told her that as DSD is now older and we have a stable rota unless there's an emergency there was no need for her to text him.(She texts daily) That they see each other 4 times a week and any discussions could be had during those times.

I have to say I was very surprised that he's done this and also very relieved! There is now nothing I need to be involved in except being a good role model for DSD when she is with us.