Anyone suspected the DH ex exaggerates DSC health condition for attention?

[dignifiedsilence]

Please see my other post re past experience.
I feel bad even thinking this but this but its 1 big drama when this child is ill on her mothers part. There's always 'bits' added on about when she is ill and 'how ill' she is. She has a headache and is rushed to the doctor. She has difficulty breathing, put on oxygen, chest xray clear but doctors sent her home because she lives so close to the hospital (really? if she was that ill would they let her home?) She's not disabled nor special needs but is dealt with like she has a terminal illness by her mother. Sounds harsh but I'm sure I'm not alone in this.
Anyone else want to share?

[SparkleSoiree]

Being invited to 'share' experiences means just that. Sharing experiences allows others to learn and maybe use new tools or coping strategies that others have passed on. It doesn't mean that the OP is inviting parents in for some kind of nasty 'slagging off' session.

It may be difficult for some to entertain the idea that some parents use their child for attention but it does happen and is certainly not uncommon in step family situations where emotional battles rumble on for years....

I really feel that stepmothers are treated like second class citizens at times on this site, having read the vitriol aimed at them over the years.

[BalloonSlayer]

My DH's ex would send DSS to us without his winter coat, or with only his trainers during bad weather. She did it deliberately, so that DH would have to purchase extra coats/shoes etc.

The children of my Stepfather (lovely man, still very fond of him) used to be sent by his ex-wife in the shabbiest outgrown clothes ever. They looked awful. I did wonder how she could bear to send them like that, but I think I was about 15 when I twigged that he didn't give enough money to support them and she was trying to shame him into buying them some bloody clothes. And as I say, I love him still and I never liked her.

[slowlycatchymonkey]

NADM I think it's fair to say you're on of the most balanced of posters on MN and that will be why you are not called wicked or anything else.
Millie hit the nail on the end when she explains that it's the mocking tone of the OP and the list of names for her DSC's mother ( golden uterus, wtf??). I have to say though, that it is often the case on this board that any kind of objection or defence of a mother (however rational) is considered step bashing and really, it's kind of annoying not to be able to have a difference of opinion without this being brought up. Like i have explained upthread, we all have different thresholds when it comes to illness and the way that is interpreted on this thread is sad. I
speak from experience when I say that when you are a step parent or an ex your behaviour is relentlessly scrutinised and misinterpreted by the other party and it is bloody exhausting. When there's no trust, that scrutiny is awful and it leads to ridiculous accusations like some I've read on here today.

[NotaDisneyMum]

monkey thank you, but I have been berated for being an uncaring/interfering/unfeeling/over invested stepmum; sometimes all on the same thread! It's on the posts about my DD - written in the same style and often about the same issue, that I've been left alone - I'm allowed to find it difficult to deal with my DDs Dad and say awful things about him, but heaven forbid I should express a negative opinion about my DSC mum!

The terms the OP used may be offensive to some but they are in common use in many cultures - Golden Uterus, for instance, is a term used in US courtrooms.

For what its worth, I'm equally offended when an ex's partner is referred to as the OW even when he met her long after the separation - but no one ever picks up on that as unacceptable.

[Waitingforastartofall]

The way i see it is that we all approach illness differently, i am generally quite panicky if any of the children are ill. dp not so much. But i wouldnt expect if i said sc had been ill that their mum would accuse me of over exaggerating and neither would i her.

Like others have said before i feel that steparents do get a raw deal, am allowed to say that my ds has done my head in but if i say sc are then im not being fair,im evil or i clearly dont like them, I stand by my theory that sometimes there isnt an underlying reason for bad behaviour sometimes children can just be naughty or annoying.

Like slowly the scrutinity as a stepparent is awful you either dont care enough or your too much. Its very difficult to find a happy medium

[Waitingforastartofall]

The very first time i mentioned being a stepmum ( In rl to recent newly made friend) they asked if i was the OW. i was pretty put out considering they had been spilt for about 4 years when we met. But ive been asked it many times since.

[LtEveDallas]

Petal, we had exactly the same when DSD was small and bef

[MeaninglessStrife]

No Salad - the 'courts' don't allow him access cos he beat the shit out of DD - whilst OW stood by and watched. So do excuse the bitterness

[LtEveDallas]

Damn phone.

...and before DH and I were married. DSD would turn up without even a toothbrush and with hardly any clothes. DSD mum use to say 'I let DSD pack for herself' - and she'd turn up for a week away with 5 pairs of pyjamas but no leggings or pants!

Being unused to children (or at least how much they cost) I'd take DSD straight to Adams and blow £100 in 20 minutes.

We cottoned on eventually (and discovered Primark) and would say to DSD that her new stuff had to stay at Nanas or with us but it just seemed so wrong that she couldn't take it with her and show it off

It didn't change until the first time we took DSD abroad - and DH pointed out that whatever she bought, whatever she was wearing, was the ONLY stuff she'd have for 2 weeks as we couldn't go shopping. Funnily enough she managed to pack well that time...

[saladcreamwitheverything]

Obviously meaningless that is a whole new thread. Your bitterness is excused.

My DHs ExP is still a bitch troll from hell though.

[NotaDisneyMum]

Meaningless - I'm not sure how your experience in any way relates to the OP?

Your violent exP failed to care for your DCs, and left them with untreated injuries. He also ruined clothing you sent with your DCs.

It's all terrible - but not relevant to this thread, iyswim? Just because you've had that experience doesn't mean that the OP is any less justified feeling the way she does in her own situation that is very different to your own!

[MeaninglessStrife]

It's not a whole other thread at all Salad. OW is every bit as vile about me as the OP is about the mother of her partners children. For all we know, OPs partner may be an aggressive, abusive bully as well. As could ANY of the 'D' Ps and 'D' hs on this thread.

[FogClearing]

I don't send a toothbrush to my Kids GM when they stay overnight, she has a toothbrush there for them.

We had a snow refugge this weekend, they were given a new toothbrush from our supplies.

I am amazed that people on here resent clothing their stepkids and expect the Mother to do it all.

Wow, fancy having two weeks contact and not having adequate clothing for the child. Luckly the Mum didn't call ss on you for neglect of the childs basic needs.

[NotaDisneyMum]

meaningless - not all men, or their partners, behave the way your ex has done.
I'm sure you don't believe that right now - it must be very hard for you not to see the worst in everyone.

[NotaDisneyMum]

fog I agree with you - a DC should have two homes where they have space, belongings, clothing etc - they shouldn't pack for a visit to their NRP.

Unfortunately, the CSA advises differently and places responsibility for clothing etc on the RP who is financially responsible.

[saladcreamwitheverything]

meaningless I'm commenting on the original OP. Why did you not mention the DV on your first comment? OBVIOUSLY if your ExP has "beaten the shit out of your DD" then that is very wrong. I would have moved countries if that had happened to my DS.

[Waitingforastartofall]

My sc go between our two houses, they have different things at those houses the only thing that travels between is bookbags for school. It would be a nightmare hauling things between the two houses each week things would be constantly forgot and had to go back for and as well i enjoy going out shopping for clothes/shoes for sc as much as i do ds. Csa may suggest that clothes and other things travel between but i wouldnt ever want to do that.

[LtEveDallas]

FogClearing,

Wonderfully sarcastic, well done you!

Actually as both DH (then DP) and I lived in a room, with shared facilities, we found it hard enough having space for our own clothes/kit, let alone DSDs as well .

DSDs mum was given more than enough cash (as she deserved) to be able to clothe DSD adequately, neither of us (and remember I was only the girlfriend then) had room for a wardrobe for DSD. As for the holiday, well after driving 4 hours to collect her, and 2 hours back to the airport, funnily enough there wasnt time to buy her a bikini as well! (whereas having to go shopping the first day of every UK holiday was deemed acceptable).

[LtEveDallas]

Oh and we didn't resent clothing their stepkids and expect the Mother to do it all

We resented DSDs mum using her daughter as a pawn in a battle that neither of us wanted to fight.

[FogClearing]

I am sadly not a mindreader Dallas, I can't be expected to know a nrp expects his children to sleep in a single room with his lover during contact, in a shared house.

I would expect someone who chooses to live so far away frim their children and who can afford holidays abroad to have at least a two bed home to enjoy contact wirh their children.

I would have personally in your bf's situation focused finances on a suitable home and providing basic needs for my children over holidays abroad and expect the other child to shop for the holiday clothes.

[FogClearing]

other parent to shop...

[LtEveDallas]

FogClearing:

I am sadly not a mindreader Dallas, I can't be expected to know a nrp expects his children to sleep in a single room with his lover during contact, in a shared house

So why automatically think the worst? Why not take what I said at face value?
Why not think outside your own prejudices for once. You look very silly when you don't.

It was a Sergeants Mess actually. I had my own room. My DHs had his own room. All facilities were shared - one shower room/bath/toilet between 4 rooms. When DSD came up I would move into DHs horrible 'single bloke' room and he and DSD would have my 'homely' room. The other men in the Mess would know she was staying and would not use that bathroom block.

I would expect someone who chooses to live so far away frim their children and who can afford holidays abroad to have at least a two bed home to enjoy contact wirh their children

DSDs mum was the one that moved actually. It was one of the reasons their marriage broke up. She was no longer willing to be an 'Army Wife' or to support the man she married in his career.

I would have personally in your bf's situation focused finances on a suitable home and providing basic needs for my children over holidays abroad and expect the other child to shop for the holiday clothes

DH bought DSDs mums house, and paid the mortgage. He couldn't afford to buy one for himself too. £2k a year on a holiday vs £500 a month on a mortgage. Oh and Child Support of course. Expecting her mum to buy adequate clothing for her child, and send that clothing with her was hardly asking for the moon.

[FogClearing]

If you don't put additional info in your first post, it is unreasonable to expect magical thinking and mind reading from other posters expecting them to know what you later reveal.

[FogClearing]

Dallas you ask why I didn't take you at face value, answer, your posts sound bitter.

If the exw didn't change her mind as adults we are allowed about being an army wife you wouldn't be with your army man, I would have tought you would be gratefull to her for gifting him to you her loss and so on.

As for maintenance and houses, I am sure there is some later revealed injustice you will trump with, at present it sounds like solicitors advised the parents to split finances as they have in best interests of the children.

[LtEveDallas]

But is it too much to expect posters NOT to automatically assume the worst? Instead of the sarcasm in your first post, would it have killed you to ask "why couldn't you have a room for DSD/DSDs things?" then I could have explained. Just because I am a stepmother it does not make me the devil incarnate. Neither does it make DH an evil father who abandoned his child.

(As it happens I was responding to Petal in my first post, and she DOES know that I am in the Army, she does know my history, so I don't need to explain the backstory to her)