AngryHippo

[HungryHippo89]

Really wanting some advice to how to deal with my DP - He has a DD who is 7 ...
Well a few weekends ago he received a text off ExP asking if she could have DD on the last Saturday before Xmas for a few hours (we have Friday afterschool to Sunday @9am) DP agreed this would be ok as long as it wasn't going to be all day (as we value the bit of time we do get to spend with DSD)

Anyway last week it was DP's birthday and since DSD didn't have her usual activity classes this weekend(which is like once in a blue moon) we arranged to go on a bit of a day trip to go and do some christmas shopping pick the decorations for the tree together and then go out for a bit of a fancy restaurant and eat about 2pm-ish ...

It gets to Friday and DP receives a message saying ExP got the wrong date for the Saturday ... It just so happened it was This Saturday (1st Dec) that we had made our plans for (and yes she messaged us with less than 24 hrs notice) So ExP wanted to take DD to her works christmas party between 10 - 2 ... DP as much as it pained him since we had a christmas/birthday day out planned agreed if ExP could drop her off at the restaurant no later than 2pm because we had made plans... We then picked up DSD on Friday after work and she was really working herself up to the point of crying about going to mummy's christmas party because mummy was picking a friend up who had a little boy that was also going to go to the party ... We finally got her to calm down by telling her to just smile and wave at him and explaining he was probably as nervous as she was ... Everything seemed fine ...
Then Saturday arrived we dropped of DSD as promised just before 10am and we went off on our travels to get some presents for DSD for christmas... We then arrived at the restaurant at 1.45pm incase she was early .... well 2pm came and went and she finally polled up at 2.45pm after not answering phonecalls or messages. She had no explanation or apology for being late. But then we found out DSD hadn't even been to mummy's Christmas party because the little boy was poorly so mummy's friend couldn't go and ExP didn't want to go on her own because she didn't know anybody ... So ExP and her mum took her to go and see Santa(somewhere that is very much open on a Sunday .. so she could of taken her in her own time) ... I calmy asked DSD if mummy knew that the her friend wasn't going to the party before she got there DSD replied mummy told her as soon as she shut the door to daddy ... By this point I was LIVID!!! Anyway we kind of just put it to one side so we could try and enjoy the little bit of the day with DSD that we had ... But I really couldn't let it lie and I deceided to ask a friend of a friend who works at the same place about this "Christmas Party" at ExP's work in the middle of the day ... And was informed it was a complete lie ...

This isn't the first time she has done it either .. last year she lied about a suprise birthday party for her mum so DSD couldn't come to a wedding with us...

I am absolutely fuming and i know DP feels the same as well as a bit humiliated for believing her bullshit! But he won't confront her about ... And I think something needs to be said ... something along the lines of ... If you wanted her to go and see Santa you didn't have to lie ... I don't want him to be nasty about it but I just want her to know that we know she lied ... I know it is not my place to say anything to ExP .. But I feel if DP doesn't say something this time she will think she can do it whenever she wants ... Any Advice on how to deal with this ... The fact he won't say anything is driving me insane because he is probably the most outspoken person I know.

Thanks if you got this far ... it was a bit of an essay!!!!

[ladydeedy]

This is a difficult one, and one that I completely sympathise with also... I agree that not sharing too much info is often the best approach as otherwise we found that DH's ex would magic up an excuse for DSCs not to be able to visit when we had something special on. So we got wise to that and just never said anything about any events! Also we reset our expectations to understand that of course they couldnt come to every family do etc but that when they can, that's good... We also gave them "well we're going so if you want to come that's fine, if not that's also fine". once we started saying things like that it took the wind out of ex's sails so that we would then find her proactively WANTING them to come and spend more time with us (because presumably she thought we didnt care either way and she wanted to try and impose them on us against our will!). Sometimes reverse psychology really works...

[HKnight]

Hi Hippo, I think you and i have the same problem and no doubt some wise Mumsnetter will tell you to disengage, which is absolutely what you and I need to strive to do, but is also very hard to do.

My DH ex is as bad, so we've just decided not to tell DSS what he's going to be doing, if we have something special planned so the ex can't ruin it. I know it's sad to have to do that but it stops them getting upset that they are expecting something wonderful only to have mummy stop it for a lie. Your DP ex hasn't really thought out what this lying is going to do to her DD, and may even end up turning her DD away from her.

When DH and I got married, we were careful not to tell DSS the exact date until the last weekend he was with us. His ex knew we were getting married, and DH informed her via solicitor of the date a few days before the wedding. (they were still sorting out finances post divorce and they just slipped it into the correspondence) .

My DH is starting to grow a backbone when it comes to his ex, but sometimes I find the way he just accepts the lack of respect she gives him so frustrating I give up with the, "poor you, there there...," and just tell him, "you know what I would do!"