I hate these long, two week blocks of contact - urgh!
DSS is slowly reverting to his 'learned helplessness' state - he's been here a week and it's obviously a lot of effort to have to think like a 9 year old here. I reduced him to tears a couple of days ago by explaining that he was quite capable of taking responsibility for his own library card - he's terrified of the independence!
His behaviour had deteriorated - and he's begin to exhibit behaviours we thought we had made some progress on - table manners have gone out the window again, he's resumed the gormless standing in the middle of a room waiting to be directed to breathe and he's begun eavesdropping, interrupting and trying to see/read paperwork etc that adults (not just me and DP) are reading!
This is where the problem with DD lies. Currently, she is only allowed to use her Smartphone in family areas of the house, (because her Dad bought her an unlimited data bundle and I want to be able to supervise her Internet access).
DSS openly looks over her shoulder and reads texts she sends to and receives from her Dad. Understandably, this pisses her off!
I've told her that she can say something if he's intruding - but she hates conflict, so simmers quietly under the surface and I'm afraid she's going to blow up one day!
DP and I keep telling DSS but it's just not getting through and I'm already the WSM for expecting him to behave appropriately for his age; asking him to think before he speaks, to help out with household things he doesn't enjoy etc.
Just a vent really - it is unrealistic to suddenly expect a family to gel for 2 weeks when the rest of the year they only spend 2 days a week together!
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Step-parenting
DSS behaviour undermining rules for DD!
NotaDisneyMum · 12/08/2012 16:15
There are lots of conversations and heart to heart chats - DP invests a lot of time one to one with DSS, sometimes allowing conversation to be led by DSS and at other times, discussing situations that have happened, how DSS felt and how he thought other people might feel and how DSS may have been able to approach things differently.
Usually, they start well, but when the conversation gets difficult or requires DSS to problem solve/think he clams up, shrugging his shoulders and staring blankly at DP in incomprehension.
We have spent literally days encouraging, praising and supporting independence. In the swimming changing rooms for instance, DP has slowly been adding responsibility for each step (undressing, putting on trunks, drying, showering etc) only once DSS is confident that he can do each step himself will he move onto the next.
But, this week, DSS managed fine in the first couple of days, but by yesterday was unable to do it for himself - standing immobile waiting for DP to intervene and do it for him - clamping up and not moving when DP jollied him along and reminded him how well he's done it in the past.
A lot can happen in 12 months though and there certainly won't be any changes to next summers contact schedule until much closer to the time. It's possible the DSS care arrangements will have to change again soon anyway - his grandma who does a lot of his care is in poor health. DP would love DSS to be here more, as would I, but that's not an option his mum is prepared to consider; I don't know what will happen 
A lot of what you say about your DSS reminds me of my DS1. I know you say he has no suspected SN, but have you (and your DP) considered looking into techniques designed to help with conditions such as dyspraxia or ASD? Just because he might not actually have the condition doesn't mean that it wouldn't be helpful - my DS has been helped and supported with strategies for ASD for 5 years even though he had no diagnosis, although he was eventually diagnosed with Asperger's last week.
With my DS it seems to be a combination of things - anxiety/fear of getting things wrong (in hindsight this was partly caused by his dad unfortunately), physical difficulties (with fine motor skills especially), not knowing or caring about social convention, not being able to understand that people feel differently to him.
He does the looking over shoulders thing, and sadly I have yet to find a way to tackle it. He seems to have an intense need to know everything, almost as a way of a way of easing anxiety - he genuinely cannot help it or understand why he shouldn't do it or why people don't like him to do it. He doesn't actually want privacy for himself, so he cannot see why anyone else would - my FIL often jokingly says to him "when you get a phone I'm going to read your texts over your shoulder so you know how annoying it is" and DS1 will just shrug and say "that's fine".
TBH I generally avoid reading anything that he shouldn't know about (or that I don't want him to know!) in his presence - I know it doesn't tackle the cause but it avoids the symptom of DS1 learning things he shouldn't. What might help is focusing on personal space rather than specifically reading over shoulders - DS1's school used the concept of space bubbles (ie, everyone has a bubble of personal space around them and you shouldn't step into it) to try and tackle his tendency to get too close to people, but he was slightly younger at the time and I'm not sure how they introduced it - it's possible you could adapt something similar?
Another example is cutlery - DS1 is 8.5 yet his younger siblings' cutlery use is far better than his. It's a combination of him struggling to manipulate the cutlery effectively (so the physical difficulty of it PLUS not wanting to try because he thinks he can't do it), and not actually caring too much about the social convention of cutlery use. So he will usually start the meal using cutlery (but still needs prompting) but will only use either a knife or a fork, never the two together (he pushes food onto his fork with fingers, or holds it with his fingers to cut it with a knife). This will tail off as the meal goes on, because to him it is easier and faster to use his fingers, so what's the point in using cutlery? He doesn't care that it's polite, or what everyone else is doing, or that his hands get filthy, the thing that's important to him is to eat his food as easily and quickly as possible. This is actually a massive improvement - two years ago it was a battle to get him to use it at all.
Most of it does sound like an anxious reaction from your DSS, especially given what you say about his fear of getting things wrong. It might be that when he reacts like this it's better just to bite the bullet and help him, if it is anxiety than repeated requests to do whatever are likely to stress him more and leave him even less likely to do what you're asking of him. With things like the library card, rather than asking him what he will do to keep it safe which puts all the pressure onto him, guidance in the guise of collaborative discussion would probably be better. I definitely think his wanting his Dad to be there for the kids' club is anxiety about what might go wrong - I actually think your DP's suggestion of popping in at lunchtime is a good compromise. This might ease your DSS's anxiety, and DP could tail off his visits if all goes well. The PP's suggestion of a "what's the worst that could happen" chat is good - especially if your DP can make it humorous and get him laughing. How To Talk... has some great strategies for diffusing situations, but it's been a while since I've read it so they might not be suitable in combination with anxiety.
Have you considered a laminated tick chart for his chores? I think something like that might help for personal organisation. I used house points for a while, which worked well for all the kids (must give that another bash actually 
) and he could use the points he'd earned for something he covets (my DS1 craves screen time above all else so he usually gets rewarded with DS or Wii time). I know that personal organisation and chores really shouldn't be something that requires reward (I find it really hard to stick to because it goes against everything I've always intended where things like this are concerned - the worst bit is that I have to use it for the younger two as well who would happily muck in without it) but with some kids they just don't do the social learning thing and need an incentive to do it instead.
Sorry for the massive post but hopefully some of it is helpful. Sadly some kids do need micro-managed - my DS doesn't do the "gormless" thing but the opposite. He's a whirlwind without being managed (your example of cereal - DS1 will try to be helpful and make breakfast for everyone while I'm in the shower, but he'll overfill the bowls, get cereal and milk all over the bench and the floor, leave no milk for me to have coffee, and then none of them actually eat even half of what he's put in so it all goes to waste. I've banned him from going into the kitchen when I'm not there tbh 
), yet will get distracted by the slightest thing when asked to do something simple like get dressed...
No, no taxi he regular fortnightly contact for short periods of 4 nights (2 school days plus a weekend), but the contrast between that and 14 days of 24/7 contact is very noticeable in terms of all our coping abilities!
Very interested in some of the dyspraxia websites I've been reading - some useful techniques that I'm sure will help 
Ah..durrrrrr 
..the same applies though, I think.
Two weeks is hard, looking after kids, no matter what or whose!
My DSS had a "sort of" diagnosis of dispraxia and my DH ended up with a mish mash - they didn't appear to be able to pin it down on the autism spectrum- dispraxia particularly on account of his lack of ball skills and co-ord at about 6/7. I think this might be a good place to start for you.
I hope if anything, I can convince you that this is likely this behaviour WILL pass and he will mature. It is remarkable the progress that my DSS has made. We still have a shy boy who struggles to have an opinion on things and is about a year and a half behind at school, but let me tell you- going out with him it was such a palaver of nerves and neurosis and OCD at one time. We went to Florida last year and with one exception (when I sat out as well) he went on all the big rides. He is a delightful kid and at 12 plays for the local cricket and rugby team, so much for the lack of ball skills!!
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