How do you not pass feelings for their mother on to DSC?

[missduff]

DP has 2 kids from previous marriage, I've always really liked his kids and get along with them brilliantly especially his little girl.
However, recently we've encountered some problems with his ex, it's regarding money and legal matters (I won't bore you with the details) but I'm really struggling with all the stress of it, even to the point where I'm having panic attacks and just been signed off work with anxiety for 2 weeks.

So I'm pretty much blaming all my stress on his ex, I really can't stand her and wish she wasn't around.
The trouble is I've found that since I've started feeling like this I've felt more negatively towards the kids, little things have started annoying me more, characteristics which were once cute are now annoying as they remind me so much of his ex.

I'm trying to just act normal with the kids and I've not been at all horrible to them but I know I've been avoiding seeing them a lot, I'll make my own arrangements at weekends so I'm not spending much time with them.

I know a lot of how I'm feeling is down to my state of mind and depression and I'm really working to try and sort my head out. I keep reminding myself that the kids are innocent in all this but when I look at them I just see their mother and everything which is wrong in my life right now is down to their mother.

Please somebody tell me how I can disassociate these feelings for their mother from the kids as I just want to start enjoying my weekends as a family again.

[mattysmum09]

Well to start off with I wouldn't stand for your DP pandering to a bloody ex and paying half her flaming mortgage whilst you face loosing your home!! Tell him to grow a back bone and stand up to her and start putting you first otherwise this is only going to get worse. Whats the worst she can do? she cant stop your dp seeing them, she obviously stil wants him to pay for them and by the way they will get more and more like her anyway as she is bringing them up most of the time.

[Smum99]

Excellent advice from NADM, the stress you have because you can't control or have any impact over the issues which directly impact you and being pg and tired is bound to have an impact.

I know you don't want to go into details but if you are worse off because you are now with your dp then in reality the 'blame' lies with him.

I really don't mean to be harsh because I have been in your position but your dp needs to face up to this and maybe you need to be angry at him for the situation. I guess he made a deal with his ex (though not legally binding so no timescales?) to pay a certain amount which now he can't afford if the ex doesn't sell the house. It's not her fault if she can't get a mortgage (in current climate that was always a strong possibility, unless there was lots of equity and she was a high earner).

The situation is pretty crappy as he is now paying for 2 households and I guess you will have reduced income whilst on maternity leave. In some ways I would be better off financially better on my own (and I was for years before dh came along!).

I would make it very much HIS problem (i.e he needs to contribute £ to you each month to provide for your household). The reason I feel you should take this approach is that you will bitterly resent moving house at this stage in your pg and long term it will cause problems in your relationship.

[wickedestsminthewest]

So LEDKR, you're allowed to "rant like crazy" with your friends but you jump all over anone who trys to do the same on here Peole find support in all different places, let them be.

[wickedestsminthewest]

I was in a situation for three years where I detested my DH's ex for living the life of riley whilst he paid her allsorts and we were having to scrimp to save for a deposit for a house and having zero luxuries. It took me quite some time to work out that he was the one enabling it all and she was just (as immoral as it may be) enjoying whatever she could get away with. Once I realised that it did cuase several arguements with DH but in the end I accepted that it was his choice and partly the reason (ironically) that I love him - his generosity.
Eventaully - and some time after I backed off, DH came to his senses and stopped giving her all the extras... sadly by this time DSD was old enough to vote with her feet and was so insensed by the fact that Dad had stood up to her Mum (who went in to major melt down at the thought of having to lift a perfectly manicured finger to bring money in rather than just accept it from him for nothing) that the relationship deteriorated massively and we now hardly see her.
In hindsight, I still think my DH did the right thing. And I am pleased that ultimately it was his decision. But I'm not sure that these things ever have a happy outcome when one party is so toxic, and the other has previously been happy to allow it.
Good luck with it all, and be kind to yourself.

[mattysmum09]

How are you getting on OP? Have you raised the issue with your DP yet as surely he needs to see that he is enabling the situation which is making you so miserable? Do you really face losing your home or can there be some way around it?