How do you not pass feelings for their mother on to DSC?

[missduff]

DP has 2 kids from previous marriage, I've always really liked his kids and get along with them brilliantly especially his little girl.
However, recently we've encountered some problems with his ex, it's regarding money and legal matters (I won't bore you with the details) but I'm really struggling with all the stress of it, even to the point where I'm having panic attacks and just been signed off work with anxiety for 2 weeks.

So I'm pretty much blaming all my stress on his ex, I really can't stand her and wish she wasn't around.
The trouble is I've found that since I've started feeling like this I've felt more negatively towards the kids, little things have started annoying me more, characteristics which were once cute are now annoying as they remind me so much of his ex.

I'm trying to just act normal with the kids and I've not been at all horrible to them but I know I've been avoiding seeing them a lot, I'll make my own arrangements at weekends so I'm not spending much time with them.

I know a lot of how I'm feeling is down to my state of mind and depression and I'm really working to try and sort my head out. I keep reminding myself that the kids are innocent in all this but when I look at them I just see their mother and everything which is wrong in my life right now is down to their mother.

Please somebody tell me how I can disassociate these feelings for their mother from the kids as I just want to start enjoying my weekends as a family again.

[mattysmum09]

How are you getting on OP? Have you raised the issue with your DP yet as surely he needs to see that he is enabling the situation which is making you so miserable? Do you really face losing your home or can there be some way around it?

[wickedestsminthewest]

I was in a situation for three years where I detested my DH's ex for living the life of riley whilst he paid her allsorts and we were having to scrimp to save for a deposit for a house and having zero luxuries. It took me quite some time to work out that he was the one enabling it all and she was just (as immoral as it may be) enjoying whatever she could get away with. Once I realised that it did cuase several arguements with DH but in the end I accepted that it was his choice and partly the reason (ironically) that I love him - his generosity.
Eventaully - and some time after I backed off, DH came to his senses and stopped giving her all the extras... sadly by this time DSD was old enough to vote with her feet and was so insensed by the fact that Dad had stood up to her Mum (who went in to major melt down at the thought of having to lift a perfectly manicured finger to bring money in rather than just accept it from him for nothing) that the relationship deteriorated massively and we now hardly see her.
In hindsight, I still think my DH did the right thing. And I am pleased that ultimately it was his decision. But I'm not sure that these things ever have a happy outcome when one party is so toxic, and the other has previously been happy to allow it.
Good luck with it all, and be kind to yourself.

[wickedestsminthewest]

So LEDKR, you're allowed to "rant like crazy" with your friends but you jump all over anone who trys to do the same on here Peole find support in all different places, let them be.

[Smum99]

Excellent advice from NADM, the stress you have because you can't control or have any impact over the issues which directly impact you and being pg and tired is bound to have an impact.

I know you don't want to go into details but if you are worse off because you are now with your dp then in reality the 'blame' lies with him.

I really don't mean to be harsh because I have been in your position but your dp needs to face up to this and maybe you need to be angry at him for the situation. I guess he made a deal with his ex (though not legally binding so no timescales?) to pay a certain amount which now he can't afford if the ex doesn't sell the house. It's not her fault if she can't get a mortgage (in current climate that was always a strong possibility, unless there was lots of equity and she was a high earner).

The situation is pretty crappy as he is now paying for 2 households and I guess you will have reduced income whilst on maternity leave. In some ways I would be better off financially better on my own (and I was for years before dh came along!).

I would make it very much HIS problem (i.e he needs to contribute £ to you each month to provide for your household). The reason I feel you should take this approach is that you will bitterly resent moving house at this stage in your pg and long term it will cause problems in your relationship.

[mattysmum09]

Well to start off with I wouldn't stand for your DP pandering to a bloody ex and paying half her flaming mortgage whilst you face loosing your home!! Tell him to grow a back bone and stand up to her and start putting you first otherwise this is only going to get worse. Whats the worst she can do? she cant stop your dp seeing them, she obviously stil wants him to pay for them and by the way they will get more and more like her anyway as she is bringing them up most of the time.

[missduff]

He's paying a little over what he should be doing in maintenance, the main problem is the house, he's still paying half the mortgage plus some of the bills.
She was going to buy him out of the house but months of promising to sort out the mortgage she then found out that she can't get a mortgage.
There's a lot more to it than just that but it's just so frustrating that she's just moving so slowly with everything.

When I say that I'm skint I mean that it's affecting me as DP has little money left over to help me with bills etc, I was better off financially as a lone parent and that was hard.

[purpleroses]

Is your DP paying the right amount to her? The CSA amount would be 20% of his income (not yours) minus 1/7 for each night you have the dCs minus some more because of your DS, and will reduce further when the new baby is born. So shouldn't be a huge amount if it's leaving you both skint.

[missduff]

NADM that is exactly what it is - not having control of my life and not knowing what the future holds, not knowing how I'm going to provide for my own children. That's why I've been having the panic attacks. If it was just me then I really wouldn't give a toss, but when his ex is effecting my son and his quality of life then that makes me really mad.
Me and DP are skint whilst she's out on the piss 3 nights every week whilst she palms her kids off on anybody who will have them.

[NotaDisneyMum]

The feeling of being unable to control your own life, especially when you have DC's of your own to consider, is horrible - I have posted before how I hate the fact that DP's ex can influence how we conduct our lives, and I have never faced the kind of upheaval that you are

[missduff]

ledkr I have not taken anything out on the children, just finding it difficult to be around at the moment, or at least I have but I'm working at dealing with the problem.

Everything is actually civil between us all and dp's ex is actually really pleasant to me and my DS, sends gifts to my DS etc and has congratulated us on the pregnancy and told DP how happy she is that he is so happy.

BUT currently I find myself in a situation where I am soon going to be having a baby and have no idea how we're going to manage financially or where I'm going to be living. I'm going to have to leave MY house where I am settled and happy because of her.
DP's kids cost ME an arm and a leg, they cost me more than my own child/children.
So yes I think I'm not unreasonable to feel some resentment and from time to time think that life would be so much easier if he didn't have an ex and 2 kids.

Despite this I do just want us to get everything sorted as quickly and easily as possible, I just want a simple life and I do want DP's kids to be part of it.

ledkr if you really are a children's social worker then you should know the effects that depression has on people and you would think that a social worker would have a little more compassion and understanding than you demonstrate, for that reason I doubt your claim.

[ledkr]

I am watching homeland
I think from the start he felt guilty cos we were together from 14 and id been so ill. He cheated so I think he was relieved that i was still civilised.
I guess its also easy to be gracious when you are the one whos not heartbroken too.
I do rant like crazy but i do it to my friends and remain calm for the dc.
Please trust me i am so far from a good person I had some teen probs with my eldest and really cant bear to go through it all again so I took this approach.
There is also something self satisfying about being "the good one"
Im not sure how crazy your dp's exs are but try to remember it very hard to see or think you see your dc being sidelined. An example would be that dh promised to take dd swimming today,she was so excited.He rang today to say he couldnt go because the baby was a bit whingey. My immediate thought was couldnt his dp cope for an hour to let him see his other dd.
Its hard on both sides i guess.

[NotaDisneyMum]

My ex and i are very cicilised and if we need to discuss anything,financial or dc,we do so without our respective partners.

I think this is the aim of everyone here - whether they are a parent, step-parent or both - but it takes two parents to achieve that, and I know I am not alone in saying that neither my ex & I, or DP & his ex, have achieved this.
You have given me hope that it is possible, though - how did you convince your ex that your approach was the best one to adopt?

[ledkr]

No you get me wrong.I am the Mother who's husband left me to raise our 4 children alone whilst recovering from breast cancer

I am also a childens social worker and see first hand the effect of waring parents upon children and selfishly dont want to have to deal with messed up dc.
I therefore decided early on to swallow my own feelings and concentrate on what was best for the children.
I later got remarried and so am experiencing step parenthood from both perspectives.
My ex and i are very cicilised and if we need to discuss anything,financial or dc,we do so without our respective partners.
My ex's partner is very young and has attempted to demonise me about things but i have stood my ground and when she needed help with dd1 whilst she wwent into labour i looked after what is my dd's sister since then things are better.
My dh and my ex get on well but dh appreciates that ex and i have a past and dc together,he also appreciates how difficult it is for my dc/his step dc.
I am sorry if i sounded too harsh at the begining but did actually go on to try and be supportive of the op.
I still stand by the fact that it is immature to allow yourself to dislike a child because of the parent. It is not helpefull and if you can get over it then it will ultimately benefit all concerned.
In the scenarios yoi have given me i wont comment because i dont know the facts,im pretty sure though that your approach towards the children will remain unbiased.
I will probably not post anymore tonight as i am watching Homeland but good luck to you all.

[purpleroses]

Would it help if you could manage to distance yourself a bit from the issues over money etc that are causing you stress? Also worth remembering that the ex may not be finding you being pregnant v easy - her kids will no longer be their dad's only priority. No excuse for bad behaviour obviously but things may settle down in a bit if that is an issue. My kids dad has recently had a new baby and I finding out this was happening made me very stressed and anxious.

You don't need to like the ex but as you're finding out if you harbour bad feelings for her it hurts you and damages your relatipnship with your dsc. Best thing I've always found to stop hating anyone has been to try and turn the hate into pity - would you really want her life rather than yours? Take care. Being pregnant's easy on your emotions either.

[NotaDisneyMum]

ledkr it does sound like you have been fortunate - you have said that your DH ex does acknowledge your existence, and that you and your DH can discuss finances independent of the demands of his ex - I'm sure it wasn't always so easy though!

What advice would you give those of us who are demonised by our DSC mothers, and whose aim is to make their own DCs lives as uncomfortable and difficult as possible while with their fathers? My DSC mum, for instance, abused DP in front of the DCs for providing them with a family home and bedroom each, telling him that he should accommodate them on the living room floor in a above-a-shop flat when they visited.
How have you dealt with that sort of thing?

[chelen]

[ledkr]

oh do be quiet chelen it is immature to take out your personal feelings on an innoccent child and anxiety and depression dont make a person beyond error.

[chelen]

Obviously mean DSS not GSS (whoever GSS may be!)

[chelen]

missduff I think this is a very tricky situation. I myself am lucky enough to have civil/amicable dealings with my DSS' mum, but there have been times when things have been very strained between her and my DP. I haven't found it has impacted too much on my feelings towards GSS but at times the level of general stress in our home was awful (this usually involved DSS' mum not listening to DSS' needs and this was upsetting for us all).

I have also done similar to NADM and found ways to take a step back, support my DP by being kind and caring to him but not by going over and over what is happening.

We also found only allowing a short and focused amount of time to discuss issues then moving on reduced the impact on our time.

Good luck with it all.

[chelen]

ledkr Shame on you for responding to an OP where someone says they have been signed off work with anxiety and talks about depression by saying they sound immature.

Have you ever heard of the saying 'if you have nothing nice to say, try saying nothing at all'?

I am sick of these 'support' threads being full of horrible, unsupportive comments.

[Northernlurker]

Sounds like you're really working hard at this. All the best with that.

[ledkr]

My dh is sd to my dd and Dad to ours.
He is very good at imagining how hard it must be for her as he has had an idealic upbringing.
I think that really helps him to deal with any probs.
I do everything I do because i do not want a messed up child with ishoos which will impact on us all,so its well worth the investment.

[missduff]

notadisneymum you are right and I did say to DP last week pretty much what you recommended. I realised that all the stress I am dealing with us his stress, his finances, his house, his ex, his kids etc and I realised that I dont HAVE to take that stress on and said that I will support him but he needs to start dealing with things more rather than letting me deal with everything. I have felt a lot better since I decided to just concentrate on me, my DS and baby.

I'm with the kids at the mo and actually having a brilliant time, I'm doing what
northernlurker I have got a 2 yo DS but yes I think you are right and maybe how I am feeling is a lot to do with my pregnancy, I know I'm a lot more selfish with these hormones and yes I think it's in my prehnant instinct to look after my own. But then again I've been pregnant for 5 months and not felt like this until their mum has started demanding money we've not got and leaving us with no option but to move house (long story).

I'm with the kids at the mo and having a brilliant time with them, I'm doing what ledkr suggested and tryin to see DP in them and it's really working, plus I'm trying to just put all the problems to the back of my mind.

They are lovely lovely children and I am very fond of them and I know if I push them away I'm only going to end up pushing DP away.

I think I've probably been building things up in my own mind and imagining things to be worse than they really are, I know I just need to chill out and get on with it.

[ledkr]

notadisneymum That is sound advice. I have to have discussions with ex about dc,money etc but they are between me and and him and nothing to do with his partner. The one time he did involve her she did something silly and things were starined for a while.

[Northernlurker]

Do you think it may be your pregnancy that's actually causing the change? Before you had your own child, they were all you had to parent. Now you have your own child and on a very basic biological level we have a strong instinct to protect and advance our own offspring, not anybody elses. That's why there are so many 'wicked' step-parent myths. I'm not saying you are wicked at all, just that the stress has come at a time when you might have started to struggle with this anyway. However, you've married a man who has dcs and those dcs need loving care so whatever your very basic instincts are you just have to get over it and MAKE this work. Dh can't fix it for you. You have to make this work and remember that sometime loving someone is an act of will not of the heart. Try doing it in little chunks - so you do one things with them at the weekend - may be sit down for a meal together - and then build up to more. Can you involve the 6 yr old in getting ready for the baby? would she like to choose clothes with you - or even do some baby room painting?