What now ?? Should I??

[cris1085]

I have a step daughter called Lara, well I have helped raise her most of my life although she is part of a previous relationship. She is my real daughters sister. I have always looked out for her and tried to involve her in things as her own dad has nothing/little to do with her. She now lives in Aberdeen like me, in her own accommodation and was until recently attending college. She also has a part time job in Sainsburys. She is now 19. Ever since Laura was about 14 she has pushed boundaries. She has always seemed to find family a burden, and concentrated on her friends etc, usual behaviour for someone of that age I guess. She has never shown emotion and tends to bury most things deep and talk little. 18 months ago she moved to Aberdeen. She started college, and moved into a room we found her within a family home. This is when the lies began. She made out to us for the first few weeks she had no money, so my family rallied round and helped where we could, I then found out she had been sponging her dad for money. I got her a mobile phone contract, the bills were massive. 4 months before the contract ended she was bragging about how she had changed and how when I saw the bills they would be tiny as she was concentrating on her college work. I then discovered by luck that she had taken out her own contract and was using that, she said she didn?t like being answerable to me. Over the years Laura has lied about all the silly things that I could have supported her with. She almost has led a double life.
Over the months relationships with her younger sister and Mum have deteriorated. Her mum cant handle the lies. Laura shows no interest in her family and makes little effort to communicate. She used to talk to me once a week and say things like ?I do want to change? ?Im going to sort myself out?, but never actually does anything. She plays the victim quite often. She has had us all tearing our hair out. She tried 12 weeks of counselling but said it achieved nothing.
Things took a real down turn about 6 weeks ago. She was kicked out of college around this time. When I did see her she was tired and rough looking. I got called by her land lady because her room was filled with rubbish and dirty washing and smelled bad. Laura cleaned it up. Over the following 3 weeks, I got the odd call from Lara, but she was always shattered. She claimed she had no social life and all she did was sleep, work and revise. She called me and asked to borrow £70 ( she has £900 savings that I keep for her for emergencies). She wanted it because her monthly funding had been pulled at college and she never had enough wages to pay her rent. 2 days later she called to say she had no money£400 a month) for her rent as she had a £300 phone bill. (her phone has been cut off for 3 months due to non payment of bills). She claimed the bank took the money out her account. I then asked her to show me the transaction and would then support her. She arranged to come up to my house and show me the proof. She never turned up, never called, just done nothing. That was 12 days ago. Since then I have had no contact. Her land lady called to tell me that she owed her £800 now, but laura had said I would give it to her. I also found out that Laura is out over night most nights, leaving at 10pm, and returning in a taxi the following morning. We have also found solicitors are chasing her on behalf of the bank for £600, and orange for £500. She has not been back to her digs for over a week. We know she is ok though as she has still went into work but I have not contacted her. I?m not sure how I feel. I have never put pressure on Laura to be anything, I have treid to support her by being there. But she has been living a lie for at least 4 months, pretending she is broke, claiming she has no social life. Its all been a lie, and a silly lie. She seems unable to find a balance, and has now dug herself a hole and is avoiding me, her family and her landlady.
Most people around me are saying just back off and let her make the mistakes, but this is difficult. At the moment I know nothing. Is it drugs? Or a boyfriend? I get no apology, no phone call, nothing. She must know what she is doing upsets us. She now doesn?t even call her sister who is 12 and doesn?t deserve this. Lara would of expected me to march down to Sainsburys and talk to her, but I haven?t. As i don?t know where she lives or her phone number she has now cut herself off completely. I kind of feel this was her intention all along. She now has no pressure. Whoever she is with she doesn?t have to think. She takes no responsibility for her life and it seems she just buries her head in the sand. Im not sure if she is now ashamed or just doesn?t care. I feel like she has treated us like mugs for months. Playing the victim. I have tried to talk to her in the past but it has not helped. I have tried anger, lecturing, backing off, empathy, coaching her, empowering her. She just sits there and says she doesn?t know what to say. It seems more to me like she cannot be bothered. As far as family goes, Lara never does nothing off her own effort. Maybe I should have left her to her own devices a year ago, but i only wanted to support and love her, something she seems to find difficult to accept. I have asked for nothing but openness and honesty, and in return I give her support and try not to judge her. She is a very deep girl who finds it hard to show emotion. I don?t know where she is at, what she is up to and how bad this situation will get. She has lost her home, her family and her education and is now in debt. She hasn?t asked for help, maybe she is embaressed, or just doesn?t care about the situation. This is not where a nearly 20 year old should be. She said she cared and wanted to put things right. I think her family are useful when she decides and the rest of the time we can go back in the cupboard. What she does verges on nasty. I used to feel sorry for her, but she seems very resourceful when it suits her. Another part of me just sees this mixed up teen who doesn?t know where to start to put things right.
So here and now I don?t know what to do. Do i keep doing nothing? If I approach her she will just see it that I am trying to rescue her, or the lies will start. I guess for once she needs to take control for herself. Is there nothing I can do to help but sit back and wait for her to totally destroy everything??

[MatureUniStudent]

Gosh poor you. She is nearly 20, she knows she has your support and that you have been there for her. I think you have to step back and pray she finds her own way in life. You also have the other people in your family to care for who, at this moment, want your help and love.

Perhaps write to your step daughter, about how you feel, but in a non accusational way, and let her know that you will always love her but for now, you are stepping back? I do wish you all the best of luck.