phone calls EVERY Night?

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

we have week on week off residency for DSD (8). We've had this arrangement for over 3 years now and DSD seems happy. When DH and his ex seperated, they would call each other every night so DSD could speak to whichever parent she wasn't with. DSD was 2.8 at this point.

recently DSD has said thaty she doesn't really want/need to call her Mum every night she's here. Not sure if she's said the same about us, but if she has that's no problem. Her mum called and got really ranty at me (DH was out) last week when DSD had left a message on her home phone, but had refused to call her Mum on the mobile. I got an earful that it wasn't my place to stop her from calling her

anyway, DH suggested to her that maybe DSD should call when she wants to (both us and her Mum) but a minimum of 2x a week. Her Mum reacted really badly and accused DH of trying to take DSD away from her. Obviously the daily calls will continue for now, but does anyone have any ideas? Are daily calls the norm?

[NotaDisneyMum]

DYAC!!!

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

I am embarassed tp admit that DSD turned up with a PAYG mobile from her Mum. It was returned immediately, purely on the basis that my DDs have been nagging for mobiles and we have said not until secondary school.

Not sure why that happened, at that point there had never been a discussion about telephone contact.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

plus what you guys said :)

[NotaDisneyMum]

marbles I wish DP had done that with DSD mobile - but he was still in DisneyDad mode at the time and was scared of upsetting her

I had no such qualms about restricting DDs mobile phone use when she turned up with a top-of-the-range smartphone on unlimited contract with Internet access supplied by her Dad - she was 10 years old fgs!!!

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

can you imagine the drama if 1 out of 3 girls qas allowed a phone and not the others?

[chelen]

When things were originally set up here we were advised not to have daily phone calls as they are usually more about the parent than the child. To some extent the child needs to have the space to get on with their life whilst in the other house, with regular contact and calls and letters but not excessive. If a child was away at boarding school it would not be normal to have a nightly call for example. It is also natural for kids to become less bothered as they get into secondary school age.

If I were you, I would put the issue in Mum's hands. Do not get stuck in the middle. If Mum wants to get into a battle with her daughter over this then find a way for her to do that without it involving you. I would simply hand the issue to her and say you agree with DSD what you think is right and we can operate? As you already have nightly calls the amount can only go down so you have nothing to lose really in terms of logistical impact on your home.

[balia]

Totally agree about the calls being for the parent, rather than the child. DSS has to call his mum TWICE a day when he is with us, and it is a PITA. Not only does he have to talk to her, but everyone else in the house. So usually, his elder brother of 16 and his gran, but often aunties and uncles, cousins (even when they are only toddlers) and 90-old year old great gran! So if we are having a meal out he can be away from his food for up to 15 minutes, talking to people he sees every day and will be seeing again tomorrow!

And then he has to go through the whole rigmarole the following morning when he has done nothing but sleep and have breakfast since the night before! And if she doesn't get her arse out of bed in time pick up the first time we have to keep trying until she can finally be bothered, putting our activities on hold, waiting to go out etc.

Maybe it made sense when we agreed to it when he was 4, but now he's 10 it is completely ridiculous.

[purpleroses]

I think you're right that she doesn't need to phone every night, and right to raise it as an issue. But with hindsight the timing probably wasn't great - if the mother is used to having her daughter living with her most of the time, a full week away from her is probably hard for her. It may therefore not have been the best time to suggest she doesn't need to ring.

And probably best to start off with making it clear you don't require DSD to ring her dad every day when she's at her mum's - your DP can do this by telling her mum he doesn't think it's necessary, or by just making the conversation very short if his DD is forced to phone him "anything you want to tell me?" "No? cool, see you tomorrow. Love you" (hang up)

Once that's established, and the mum has calmed down from the current tensions, then you could re-raise the issue of her phoning, or suggest that DSD raises it herself.

I think the posters who say it is mainly for the mum's benefit are probably right - though that isn't necessarily a reason to try and prevent it altogether. I would tend to ring my DCs every other day if they're gone for longer than a weekend. I don't believe for a second that they need me to do this - they rarely want to speak to me. But I find it really tough if they're away not to check they're OK fairly regularly. If your DSD's mum finds it hard to go a day without contact with her DD, that's a little annoying for you but it's not a huge sacrifice to help her feel happy about the situation. There's much worse she could do.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

purple, DSD has had 2 homes for 3 years now, and befire that she was with DH and I for 4 days out of 14 for a year. I really think that's enough time to get used to it. DH was very specific that he was happy for it to work both ways, but as you say, a bit of time to get used to the idea is no bad thing.

neither DH or I are bothered if the nightly calls continue, its just that DSD said that she didn't want it.

[elastamum]

I talk to my children pretty much every day regardless of where they are. Its not a long call or a big deal if they dont want to talk, but I do call them.

If they are on holiday with ex DS1 usually phones or txts me on his phone. My ex also phones and talks to them whenever he or they want to. We also txt each other updates and pictures if they are doing something special or important, just as we would have done when we were married. I dont really see why it should be an issue.

We dont own our children and being with one parent doesnt mean they cant see or speak to the other one. I think it is healthy for the children to know they can talk to either parent whenever they want.

I also dont agree re banning mobiles. DS1 has had a mobile since he was 8. He doesnt use it a lot but he does just call either parent when he wants to.

I think it is important for children to feel they have some control in their lives and they are not just pawns in some access schedule that has been thrashed out between the parents.

[NotaDisneyMum]

It is only an issue when the DCs are unhappy or anxious about the expectations their parents have of them.

DSD mum expected her to respond to texts asking her how much she (DSD) was missing her Mum, and let her mum know what are plans were in case mum could be in the same place at the same time and meet up

DSS used to literally drop what he was doing every time the phone rang in case it was his mum and he got into trouble for missing her daily call - she had told him that she wouldn't be able to ring back later because of work commitments so he must be available to speak when she called, as she missed him so much when he was with DP

DDs dad refused to call her on anything but the mobile he purchased her - despite the repeated mantra that he could call on the landline at any time. If the mobile was off/dead/on silent, he would berate me by text/email from preventing DD having contact with her!

When both parents have the same child-focused attitude - it works well; but when one or other expectations oppose the Childs own needs, then it becomes a source of conflict

[justalittleinsane]

I ring my DC a couple of times a day while they are at dads, I think of things, I guess I speak to them as I do when they are home, if they are busy, they dont answer, ex is also welcome to ring whenever he wants.

Ive never really thought about it, I guess I am just used to chatting to them all the time, that said, I have avery informal and flexible arrangement with ex.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

I wish we could have that sort of arrangement justa :(

so after all the angst from BM last week how many evenings has DSD called DH this week? None. Maybe her Mum has listened to her :)

[mampam]

When my DC started staying with their dad for longer than just the normal every other weekend arrangement ie 2 weeks in the summer holidays, I would try and give them a quick call every 2/3 days (this was when DC were 3 and 6) but exH would mysteriously have his phone switched off and wouldn't answer home phone.

Ex moved away 4 months ago kids have seen him once for 5 days during this time and they are lucky to get a phonecall/skype from him every other week

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

oh mampam that is awful, I'm so sorry

[mampam]

I really feel for my DC at the moment. Apparently ex asked DD (now 12) what was up with DS (8) as he didn't have much to say to him on the phone!! Does he honestly not see that speaking to the DC every other week or less for no more than 5 minutes at time is going to create a distance between himself and the kids??

It must be hard the DC. Their dad has a 3yo and another on the way. I imagine it must be very hard for them especially as they had so much contact with him before he moved - Every other weekend and once in the week for dinner. I just don't get it, I really don't. He's even told the DC that they can go and stay with him at Easter but as yet hasn't spoken to me about it, I hope for DC's sake that he doesn't let them down.

[exoticfruits]

I would keep right out of it. Make sure DSD knows she is free to phone whenever she wants and then don't remind, encourage or anything else. Leave it to here. If she doesn't phone and her mother complains just say that it is nothing to do with you-DSD is free to phone and since she is 8yrs it is her responsibility.

[exoticfruits]

Sorry-leave it to her

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

oooh liking it exotic, that's perfect :)

mampam that is awful :(

[exoticfruits]

You have to realise (and so does her mother) that DCs grow up. Whatever was in place at 2.8yrs will change, definitely by 8yrs -and it will change again. Obviously with a toddler you have to make the phone call and let her speak. An 8yr old can do it herself. If she doesn't phone that is her problem.

If you get grief from mother just say, airily, 'she knows that she can phone whenever she wants and it really has nothing to do with me. It would be rude for me to listen and so I have no idea whether she has called or not'.

Get DH to do the broken record approach-'she can phone when she wants'.

As long as DSD knows that she is free to phone it isn't your problem.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

exotic I may love you a little bit

so sensible, so straightforward. Broken record, frikking genius

[elastamum]

I have also programmed important adults numbers into the house phones. That way the children can easily phone their father / grandparents any time they want. They also e mail him whenever they feel like it

[exoticfruits]

As women we often take on everyone else's problem as our own. Sometimes you need to stand back and say 'hang on, this is nothing to do with me' and give back the ownership. (it took me years to work this out!)

[exoticfruits]

A good idea from elastamum-then you have done your bit.

[purpleroses]

I'd agree with letting them phone when they want. But you do have to be prepared for the fact that if they're happy and all is well, they may almost never do so. I can only recall one occasion in the last 8 years when my DS has requested to phone his dad (and a few others when I've told him to do so, to request his dad to drop round whatever possession he's left behind). My DD has done so a few times in both directions when she's been upset about something - but fortunately me and my ex trust each other well enough not to get drawn into it.

So if you leave it to them, they probably won't phone (unless their other parent has guilt-tripped them into it) - but the parent may still feel a need to keep in touch - would suggest trying to wean them off this gradually - eg suggest phoning every other day to start with.