Gingerly dipping my toe in this section

[bananaistheanswer]

Hello all,

I've been umm'ing and ahh'ing about posting in here for a while, but have decided to bite the bullet and just go for it. I'm hoping for some honest, and hopefully helpful, replies from the POV of partners of men who have an ex with a child/children.

Brief background. Was with ex 4 years, split 4 years ago. DD is 6. Split was a 'blessed relief' and I was happy to be out of the relationship. Felt this was a good opportunity for us both to get on better, and co-parent. It worked OK initially and then things deteriorated. Ex now occasionally bothers with DD, every 6/8/10 weeks. He has a g/f, now fiance, who DD likes very much. She's been on the scene since before we split (which I don't have an issue with, my relationship with ex died a death before we split so this isn't something that bothers me) and has made approaches to me to 'get to know me better/get along'. I'm quite happy to go along with this, but for one reason or another it hasn't really happened so far. I think subconsciously, something is holding me back from actually making more of an effort to make this happen. And this is where I need some advice.

There are a few things I think hold me back from moving things on between me and ex's g/f (ok, she is his fiance but for ease of typing I'm going to just put g/f), and I need to know if it's possible to address them without causing offence, or whether these are reasons to just politely decline invites or plans for meeting up with ex's g/f.

Ex is much older than his g/f. She's not had an easy life. She's a nice person, and easy to like. She loves my DD and treats her well, has a good head on her shoulders and actually her presence when DD is with ex reassures me as I think she has more sense than my ex when it comes to caring for DD. Ex isn't incapable, just not really big on the basics. I think part of the problem for me is, I can see that ex will make her life difficult, in much the same way he's made mine difficult, and I have such a strong urge to say something to the g/f, as I'd hate for her to end up in either the same position, or worse, than me. I don't actually want to 'warn' her as such, as I don't want them to split up. I think she is good for ex, and DD when there. I just really have a strong urge to explain some things to her, just so she has the bigger picture. But, I also am well aware that it's not really my place to say anything. This is where I think I'm really conflicted.

So, how do I address this? Is it possible to have a friendship/relationship with the g/f of an ex, without making any comment on past history even if it has some relevance? Is it just a case of either avoiding moving our relationship onto a more friendly footing if I cannot bite my tongue when I see things happening that I know are down to ex being an arse?

I'd love to get on well with the g/f, and I always envisaged that I would be able to do that, barring any personality clashes, but I guess I'm beginning to discover why these kinds of relationships can be very tricky.

Help?

[HSMM]

If you do decide to become friends and she asks questions, you can just say that when you were together you had some money problems, but hopefully that is all OK now. You don't have to say that you think your XH will ruin her financially, she can work that out for herself.

[bananaistheanswer]

Thanks again for the replies. This is just sooo tricky! NADM, thanks for your concern but I don't need counselling over what happened. I've been all through that with my employer, and I'm back on my feet (just) and beginning to see the light on things, but it will take a while. It's just an endless grind, like most of us are dealing with, but unfortuantely my situation is linked to what my ex did when we were together. It probably feels more acute right now because of the overall squeeze we are all feeling, as well as the fact things blew up a bit last week with my ex texting me about his money worries because the CSA have told him he should have been paying more maintenance than he has. Maybe it doesn't come across in my posts but I have mostly come to terms with things and am quite content with things overall barr the usual money worries we all have. I have 'me time' without depending on anyone, I have enough cover for childcare to not have to rely on anyone too much, and overall things are going well enough for me & DD to be happy with our lot. I occasionally have a face when something comes up which reminds me of things, but mostly, I just have a wee internal swear session and that's enought for me to leave it. Had this not all blown up again last week, I don't think I'd really be struggling as much with this dilemma.

I think things are a little raw right now as I genuinely thought the ex had sorted himself out - he's planning a wedding, been on holiday, and has been buying lots of luxury items which he must have had the money for as he can't get credit. And yet he texted me last week to me to tell me that his CSA payments are going to cause him to lose his job as he's already got his wages arrested for non payment of council tax. He's had an increase of just under £40 a month, and this is apparently going to cause him more financial difficulty resulting in him being sacked. He puts that stuff onto me, when it's got nothing to do with me, and I really don't want to know that much about his finances when I was well acquainted with them while we were together and after we split. I've had to write off thousands that he owes me, and just pretend that all that never happened while smiling through it for DD's sake, yet he puts his woes on me while ignoring the struggle I've had since we split as a result of his actions. He's talking about moving the g/f in, while telling me he's going to lose his job as a result of his fuck ups, and meanwhile the g/f is asking me to meet up for a 'girlie day out' for me, her and DD. It's doing my head in!

I guess this situation is just too complicated to consider getting much closer to the g/f. Until things settle down for ex, and he sorts himself out, I think I would find it too hard to not say anything. I'd love nothing more than to have a really good relationship with the g/f as so far we have got on pretty well, albeit at a distance mostly. It's just going to be too hard to stand by and see him cause the same kind of misery to someone else that he did me, even if she is a willing participant in that. The replies I've got have helped me to understand that, as I was so tempted to get more friendly, and maybe use that to help my DD see more of her dad. That's just not going to happen really, is it? It's just too messy a situation and those who have told me just to look out for DD are right - she's my priority not the relationship with the g/f, or my ex's money worries.

Thanks again for all the input, it has helped, and probably prevented me from getting embroiled in something that would just open a huge can of worms that should remain firmly shut.

[PickledLily]

Wow, you have a lot going on and have obviously been very strong to get this far. Definitely steer clear - they are his money problems; don't let them become yours. Wishing you good luck!

[Smum99]

Hi, I do wonder that if your ex is still trying to make you feel responsible for his money woes and subconsciously you are taking it on. Cue why you want to off load to new g/f.

I would suggest that if he attempts to talk finances to you in future you should suggest he speaks to his partner not you! I do think if she ask then fair enough you could respond to her questions BUT if you bring up the conversation you will be seen as being in the wrong - by her and your ex. No matter how valid you will be accused of trying to upset their relationship.

You sound caring but I think you need to be clear in your own mind that you are no longer responsible for your ex's finances and you are not responsible for the g/f if she makes poor decisions.

[ladydeedy]

it's not your problem. let them carry on with their relationship - it is actually nothing to do with you and shouldnt be taking such a high priority in your life. concentrate on you and your child and encouraging a positive relationship between ex and child.
Dont make the mistake of my DH's ex by trying to tell me what a horrible person her ex (my husband!) is. that was her experience - mine is completely different. She is a bitter twisted unhappy individual. We are still, after 10 years, blissfully happy and I think he's the kindest person I've ever met. Obviously her perception was different! Does not matter to me in the slightest (apart from making me think she's nuts). dont go there.