Lying - anyone any advice for me?

[chelen]

Hi, SS is fibbing a fair bit. Not horrid lies but it seems quite a number. I sense he does it once, maybe because he thinks its clever or he can't be bothered to think about the question or he is challenging us, and then of course he is stuck with it. This week he told us the same lie six times, on different days, to us separately and together, we thought he was telling the truth, then it all came out today and it wasn't a big issue but it was six separate occasions of lying and we feel cross. We weren't nagging, it was whether some info had come out of school so we just kept saying 'any news'. It had, he had already told school he didn't want to do the activity but SS told us no info had come, he didn;t know anything blah blah blah. It was info we needed but we all know it is his choice so it wasn't his way of getting out of it - he knew he had free choice anyway. But we needed the info to plan what was happening on one of the weekdays looking forward.

I don't know what to do! DP is really strict on lying and says it undermines trust. It really is undermining trust as I don't know when he is giving me the runaround.

What would you advise my DP (his dad) does - ton of bricks or blind eye or somewhere in the middle?

To make it worse he then told us three different reasons why he didn't tell us, so he lied again during the conversation about why he lied.

I need a lie.....down!

[chelen]

Anyone any ideas?

[glasscompletelybroken]

dsd2 has what I call a distant and fluid relationship with the truth. When challenged over something she has said that is plainly untrue she will cry and rage. Because DH has much more patience than me, doesn't want her upset because of the fall out from her mother and would prefer just just say "ok, forget it" and not discuss it anymore, she doesn't get any better.

It wouldn't be my way but as step-mums we are powerless in these situations. If she was mine I would tell her very bluntly that every time she lies she makes me less inclined to believe anything she says and that will also apply to other people.

I wish I had the answer but I am sure that not tackling it is wrong. I'm going to watch this space for some wise words from those more wise than me!

[theredhen]

Personally I have always punished far more for the lying than the crime. DS knows that he can do wrong and that he will be punished fairly but he also knows if he lies to me, I will come down on him like a ton of bricks.

I think that once they know they can get away with lying, you can never trust them and it damages their self esteem because it ends up that you automatically think they are not telling the truth, even if they are!

Teaching your child to be honest with themselves, is one of the greatest gifts you can give. True self confidence comes from being able to look people in the eye and tell the truth, whatever the consequence.

[therantingBOM]

"Teaching your child to be honest with themselves, is one of the greatest gifts you can give. True self confidence comes from being able to look people in the eye and tell the truth, whatever the consequence"

I love this.

I read a good book recently called "Get out of my life: But first take me and Alex in to town" it talked a lot about how teenagers will invariably lie if they think they can get away with it and even if you tell them off, punish, take away privilages etc. it won't make a lot of difference because they will continue to lie. It doesn't mean they will become a dishonest adult.
However you should always and without exception repremand them anyway, because it is your job to. But just don't expect them to change and don't condemn them to a life of being an adult liar.

It says the single only way that you can get your child/ teen to become a truthful adult is not by punishing but by setting a good example.

For instance, if your child/ teen hears you lying to your boss that you are sick so as to get a day off work... or lying that you were late to dinner at their grandparents because there was bad traffic when there wasn't (you were just late leaving) then no matter how seriously you punish the lie, they will become dishonest adults.

chelan is your DH an honest person? Does he, as theredhen said, look people in the eye and tell the truth no matter what the consequence? Does SS's mother? I think this is the best way to teach. But yes, he should absolutely be telling SS that lying won't be tolerated as well.

[chelen]

Thanks everyone. You all make good points.

Glass - I agree we steps are fairly powerless and the parents have to lead. I feel lucky my DP is willing to be Mr. Mean Dad when required, so at least I know I am not the only one worried about this.

Redhen - yes, I think I agree about ton of bricks for lying. My DP's inclination is that way so maybe I shall just let him get on with it!

BOM - you ask a pertinent and uncomfortable question! I feel like I want to tell you all what it is like with my DSS' mum but I daren't because our story is so odd it will make me totally identifiable.

I will spend this weekend recharging my batteries (after my horrible 'help'line experience) and will see what seems a wise way forward.