F*****G Mobile phones!!

[steppingup]

I need a bit of guidance. DSD is 10 and lovely. She has developed an unhealthy attachment to her mobile phone. She text's her mum and rings her a lot while she is with us. Last night it was the night the kids stay with us and my DSD rang her mum 3 times between 4pm and 7 pm. Then we tell her to ring her mum at bed time to say goodnight and let her brother say goodnight too. We have a no mobiles after bedtime rule which they know about. I took my SS's mobile downstairs as normal and asked DSD where hers was ( I knew she had it as she was just talking on it) she said it must be downstairs. It wasn't i think she had it under her pillow. Anyway. 11.30 pm and DSD comes into my room saying she cant sleep and was upset. I tucked her into bed again and cuddled her and she was snoring within 5 minutes. I stayed to make sure she was asleep and she slept all through the night. Her mobile was on the floor and it went off. I picked it up and it was a message from her mum. slate me if you like but I thought why would she text at this time of night so I read the message. It was telling DSD to think about coming home and that she will come and pick her up if she wants or pick her up first thing in the morning. I checked the message history and they had been texting about not being able to sleep for nearly 2 hours! My point is that DSD obviously needed soothing to sleep as she dropped off as soon as I was with her. My other point is that if she had come in to me and her dad that 2 hours early instead of texting that we could have soothed her to sleep then instead of her getting upset. My other point is that texting her mum only makes her more upset because she is not there to help her sleep, only me and her dad so she needs to tell one of us. BTW we both checked on them before and she must have been pretending to sleep. It stresses me out!! anyone got any helpful hints on how to remove the mobile without creating WW3?

[fourkids]

The mother might be quite innocent, as Aimsmum says, or she might not be, so I would tread carefully. Possibly this is an observation better suited to Latemates...

I might have a few (generic - no names mentioned) chats with DSD about the different ways some people try to exert control over other people, including guilt-tripping them.

Maybe discuss how one person ineadvertantly makes another feel bad in order to make themself feel better. Possibly it makes the mother feel better to hear that the DC is unhappy without her and would prefer to be at her mother's home...but maybe this is actually what makes the DC feel unhappy. DCs should not feel this pressure, and if they understand the mechanism they will in time be able to say something along the lines of: "I know you miss me. I miss you too, but it actually makes me unhappy for you to keep telling me."

helping them understand the mechanism helps them to take control of the situation themselves.

As for the phone, in this house if any DC or DSC were using the phone when they should be asleep it would be taken away at bedtimes in future. No negotiation. Likewise Nintendo DSs, IPod Touches etc etc...

[steppingup]

Thanks Latemates. the phone is becoming a problem TBH. The other day her mum rang all stressed out saying 'im really worried because she hasn't replied to my last text' I said to her that she is fine and playing and I put her on the phone. A bit silly because SD was worried about her mum being so worried! Seriously, it makes ME so stressed. I did have a chat with her mum and said its not a good idea to call and text all the time as you're not giving SD a chance to have a good time with us and also not allowing her to grow up and become independant from you. And to give her credit she did seem to listen. I also said it feels like we're being checked up on. Asking all the time what we're up to, have you eaten, where are you going tomorrow etc.. I've said to SD if she wastes her credit on her mobile by needlesly calling and texting then there is no good asking to use our phones as we will say no. SHe needs to learn.

[Latemates]

Stepping up... I understand..... Some parents really put their children in hugely difficult situations. The mother is so in the wrong by texting through the night. By all accounts it looks like she is putting her own worries onto the child and justifying that the child should be unable to cope without her. We get this all the time. Only last night my step son told me that mummy can't cope when were not there. He is so worried that mummy isn't managing and this is only confirmed when mummy is phoning in tears and saying over and over that she misses him so much and also making empty promises of what she will give him if he comes home early. Their dad on the other hand also finds it incredibly difficult when his son is at his mums house but he hopes son will have fun and enjoy himself and not be worried about anything.

I ink you should remove the phone and tell her how disappointing it is to be lied to if she tells you it is downstairs in future. I think your husband should speak, text, email or write to the mother outlining the reasons why it is inappropriate to text through the night. This will probably be ignored but at least he is stating his disapproval about the matter in a calm and responsible way.

Good luck

[steppingup]

Thank you for the advice but I think a couple of you have got the wrong end of the stick. I MAKE SURE she has rang her mum to say goodnight before she goes to bed. She knows that mobiles are to be left downstairs after that. She lied about having her phone and said it was downstairs. I don't think she should be able to ring her mum in the middle of the night unless something is seriously wrong and she has to go home. If she has trouble sleeping then its me or her dad who are therevand able to help her. I think on that night that talking to her mum only upset her and made her miss her mum whereas if she didn't have the phone she would have come in to me sooner.

[wringthechanges]

We had this problem awhile back - DSD (10 at the time) was staying for a few days, gave no indication to us that she was unhappy, seemed to be having a lovely time, but she had been secretly ringing her mother and sending her misery-laden texts saying she couldn't sleep, was ill etc - none of it true. Her mother ended up coming to get her. I found myself wishing she didn't have the damn phone and then maybe she would've talked to us instead of worrying her poor mother into coming to collect to her. Agree your DSD should hand over her phone last thing at night.

[theredhen]

If she wants to speak to her Mum after bedtime, then she has to come to you to ask you for the phone. You can then discuss what is going on with her and why she is upset. Perhaps give her the opportunity to speak to her Mum before she goes to bed each night before taking the phone away?

Her Mum should be talking to you about it as I would be upset if DS was texting me half the night whilst at his Dad's. I would certainly talk to my ex about finding a way forward that didn't involve DS texting me at night for comfort. It's not good for anyone.

[Aimsmum]

Coming from the other side, I have a 10 yr old DD, and there have been occasions when she has been staying that her dad's house when she has text/called me because she can't sleep and is feeling a bit upset or whatever and I have spent time reassuring her or whatever until she feels happy enough to go to sleep.

I completely disagree that her mother is not trying to do what is best, iis actually quite difficult as a parent knowing your child is elsewhere and missing you/feeling upset and there is little you can do but be on the end of the phone. I have in the past told my dd that if she wants to come home i will go and get her, or to have a think about what she wants to do, i don't think there is anything wrong with that.

Also in regards to the mum texting just after her DD had fallen asleep, she was maybe just checking her dd was ok, replying to the last message her dd sent and again i think that is fine in the context of what was happening.

While I do think there has to be rules for mobiles I think it is a tricky area when it comes to being able to contact parents, DD would be really unhappy if she was told she couldn't contact me when she was at her dad's, but you also obviously want your DSD staying up all night using her phone either. Not sure what the solution is, but I think there is a difference between contacting your mum and texting friends.

[ladydeedy]

yes, take it off her before bedtime - like half an hour or so, so that she has time to get into bedtime routine (bath/into bedclothes/story, etc) with no distractions and no opportunity to start texting/calling. End of.

[TheOriginalFAB]

I can spell, just not type.

think

doesn't.

[TheOriginalFAB]

At 10 I tink you need to make her give you her phone at bedtime. Her mother doens't appear to be trying to do what is best for her daughter while she is with you.