How often do you see your stepkids?

[eviekingston]

A questions for all you non-custodial stepmums - how often do your stepchildren visit/stay? Mine are 14 and 11 and they stay every other weekend, saturday morning to sunday night. We have them just under half the holidays too. Is this similar to your situations? Thanks x

[mdoodledoo]

We don't get much access, but because we all live locally there is the opportunity to see them a bit outside of this when things that have been forgotten are swopped between houses etc. DP assumed they would have a 50/50 childcare split when they separated but it quickly became obvious that it's very important to his ExW that she's the main carer and there's no budging her on our fortnightly rota:

Tuesday after school until Wednesday morning,
Friday after school until Sunday teatime,
Thursday after school until Friday morning

[Beamur]

Ok, I see your point better now.
Our stepkids still follow a fixed visitation routine, but that is in large part because they want to - but as Brdgrl says, life goes on - they come and go as they want to seeing friends etc and don't expect us to entertain them to any special degree, sometimes we do stuff together but it's fairly relaxed. We certainly carry on with normal stuff, like shopping, decorating when they are here.
DP has never been a Disney Dad though, the kids get on well with both parents and discipline/rules may differ at the homes but are applied by all parties (as appropriate).
I guess I would be pretty unimpressed if it felt like we were still babysitting the kids at this age. They need to be developing a bit of independance by now.

[FreckledLeopard]

We have DSS after school on a Thursday til the following Wednesday when he goes to his mother's after school and stays til following Thursday. Plus ad hoc weekend days when it's not 'his' turn with us too. Exactly 50% shared residence.

[scotchmeg]

Sounds a good idea to me Petal!
Of course the parenting continues. My sister and I are in our late 20s and we still decend on my mum for visits, with problems etc. But that is how it should be. I definitly want to schedule to end for my DD and my DSd when they reach around 14/15. Or at least if the schedule remains, they will come and go freely rather than need to be fetched form their other parents and brought to the other house for a defined period of time.

[Petal02]

That's why I get so frustrated. I didn't expect DH to stop parenting when SS got to this age, but I did expect a more age-appropriate visiting arrangement. I should add that DH was in the forces by the time he was 17, so were my brothers, and I was in Europe on a six month exchange programme.

But DH insists SS is too sensitive to cope with minor variations of routine. Which is why I think a stint in the army would do him the power of good!

[scotchmeg]

I'd moved out when I was 17!

[scotchmeg]

17????! faints.

[Petal02]

Redhen - yes, he's treated like a visitor, that's a very good word.

Scotchmeg - SS is 17. But DH insists on treating him like he's 7. DH is so Disney that I should really call him Mickey Mouse!

[scotchmeg]

Luckily I don't have this problem with my DP. But DSD does seem to think she sound be taken somewhere special every time she "visits" even though she's here half the time. More in fact as she is here every Saturday day time and half the Sundays.

Petal, how old is your DSS that plans still need to be made around him?

[theredhen]

Petal,

I get it too even though I don't really have things quite as bad in that way.

It's like your DSS is a "visitor". Fine if he actually "visits". ie. 2 hours on a Saturday afternoon but making someone who spends half a week at your house a "visitor" is just ridiculous.

[Petal02]

Brdgrl: YES!!!! That's just how it is in our household. I'm so pleased someone else understands. Access weekends are still the same as when SS was 11; 4pm pick up on Thursdays and structured entertainment til 6pm on Sundays. We can't decorate on access weekends, we can't get the car serviced or have a Saturday morning vet appointment. And Sundays have to entail a 'special event' ie a trip to a museum, country park, seaside etc. DH won't go off and play golf on access weekends, and if friends/relatives want to visit us, then it has to be on a non-access weekend.

Thank you so much for getting it!

[brdgrl]

beamur and scotchmeg...on the 'me time' thing..and i am just speculating here, so forgive me please if I am entirely off-base here. But I think it seems to work out differently in some step cases and that is why it is not so straightforward.

With a fulltime residential situation, sure, teenagers of 16 or 17 are there all the time and so there is a shortage of 'me' time, or 'we' time! But ideally, life goes on...because the kids are old enough to look after themselves, the couple can go out. Because the kids are old enough to have independent social lives, they will be going out sometimes. And because the kids are capable of entertaining themselves, even when everyone is in the home together, the need for constant attention is much less.

Ideally! But I have heard of a bunch of cases in which it seems like the 'natural' progression into teenage life has been kinda stalled....teenagers who come for their stays with the DisneyDad who then stops normal family life and turns cruise director...turning 'family' life into a parade of entertainments for the teens. In these cases, it seems like the days when the teen is at the home, instead of being a household with teens living in it, the household becomes something else, with the other residents taking a backseat to the teens for the entire duration of the stay.

In the cases where things are normalised...where teens split life between two homes and both sets of parents carry on with routine life...this seems to work as it should. But a problem arises when teens in a divorce are given special status in one home, by a parent who is afraid of alienating them or boring them or arguing with them...or basically, treating them like they would be treated if they TRULY were just 'at home' in either household.

[EMS23]

DSS 8.. Alternate weekends (Fri from school to drop at school Mon). Plus every Weds (from school to drop at school Thurs). And DH takes him to rugby every Sunday. And DH does most school pick ups during the week as he's not working at the moment. Split holidays informally but we tend to have him more than half.

We'd have him 50/50 officially very happily but his mum won't agree to it for money reasons even though in reality we do end up having him 50% if not more!

We lived 200 miles away till 2yrs ago and having moved to be close to him life is so much better. My DH is so much happier, I have a proper relationship with my DSS and our DD has a proper big brother.

[scotchmeg]

The "me" time thing is weird. as presumably if you live with the person you had children with, this is in short supply. Yet when people split they suddenly start feeling entitled to long weekends with no child care responsibility what so ever.

I hope that when DSD and my DD reach about 15 they will see both houses as homes and will flit freely between the two without the need for rotas or planning on our part as to whether we are there to entertain them throughout their entire stay. I feel that when this happens, my DD will gravitate to my house, and DSD will gravitate to her mum's. But hopefully they will spend a good ammount of time with their Dad's.

However, such is DSD's mum's perceived entitlement to "me" time I doubt she'll allow the rota to drop as she won't want DSD "sat around the house making mess" any more than she does now. So it could be a rota until university [hgrin]

But at that point I won't be making sure we're home to entertain so i don't mind all that much and actually like having her round with her frineds etc making a mess. They keep us young and we can hear/ see what theyre getting up to and in to!

[Beamur]

I really don't see why non resident parenting stops at 16/17/18? Were you made to move out from your family homes as soon as you were near adulthood?
Teens needs their parents too. My DSS is 18 and he will be staying with us until he goes to Uni and I hope he will come and stay during holidays too.
Curious concept this being with the other parent = 'me' time - DP would quite happily see his kids every day and the fact that he does not is one of his lifes biggest regrets, he has never got used to the fact that his kids are not living at home with him all the time.

[sammyjole]

Petal that just seems rediculous to me at what point does your relationship start to come first? Surely you have been tolerant enough... I actualy feel lucky after reading on here that I dont actually put up with half what some of you do, I was pretty cluelss but the Disney parenting does strike a chord with me as he definitely did that, I'm just glad I'm not going to have all the crap I've just been reading about on here to deal with! My home is most definitely my castle, all be it a small untidy one!

[scotchmeg]

petal surely you guys can go out though even if SS is with you? Or do you have to babysit him.. I am shivering at this prospect... Although I fear it will happen here too as DSD's mum will want to retain her "me" time.

[scotchmeg]

Tuesday and Thursday night every other friday/ saturday night alternate, every saturday day time. And every other Sunday day time. Phew, that sounds more complicated than it is! it makes for equal nights at each home but more day times with us on account of the saturdays. (1 DSD, 13 yrs)

[UC]

Exactly the same as Libby10. Every Weds and Thurs from after school until to school on Friday, and every other weekend from Friday after school until drop off at school Monday morning. 50% over a fortnight.

Very flexible in holidays depending on plans, but stays pretty much the same.

My DSs (who aren't DP's) are at their dad's 5 nights a fortnight.

I firmly believe, and so does DP's exW, that the children are entitled to a positive relationship with both parents. We are lucky.

[Beamur]

CSA has never been an issue for us, DP and his ex sorted out an amicable financial settlement, she earns more than him and we have effectively shared residency.
As we live near to each other there is no issue with missing out vis friends etc. A friend of mine is a stepmum too and her DSD lives a fair way away, but she has made new friends at her Dads - she has a hobby that she does when with them and has a separate circle of friends in both places.
Whilst I'm aware that are many people who may milk the CSA system and have their own agendas regarding visits etc, surely the majority of kids and parents (especially non resident parents) benefit from a relationship with their own family...despite the inconvenience.

[Petal02]

When I was a teenager, the thought of having to spend alternate weekends away from my usual home, away from my own friends etc, would have been my idea of hell. However since the CSA started using the amount of over night stays to calculate maintenance, a whole generation of children spend their lives being ferried between two homes on a strictly rostered basis. Of course these kids should still have relationships with their fathers, but i'm never convinced about who benefits from 'split living.'

[Beamur]

Week on, week off, swaps on Sunday. Welcome here any time. Holidays follow a similar arrangement but are flexible, we split Christmas too.
They live locally and can easily get to school from here or their Mums. We used to have more complicated arrangements but it's always been 50:50 which suits all concerned. DP less happy with current arrangement as he doesn't like to go 7 days without seeing them but the kids prefer it this way, as do I actually.
Ours are 16 and 18 and still quite happy to respect this arrangement.
This is their home as much as their Mums house.

[Petal02]

Sammyjoie, like you, I didn't think that sleepovers and rigid access would continue into the late teens. However my SS is 17, and we still have exactly the same access schedule that was put in place when he was 10. SS insists on it, DH is too Disney to challenge this, and has said it will continue til SS goes to uni. It can be pretty grim sometimes.

[Tillyscoutsmum]

Every wednesday, every other weekend (Fri-Mon) and half the holidays. She is only 8 though