Possible abuse - Sticky subject - opinions please

[LoodleDoodle]

Without too much detail, I am looking for some advice/opinions before charging in with my size 9's.

One of my SD's has just told me that she has been away a couple of times with her mothers boyfriend, alone without her sister or mum, and that the last weekend, they spent the weekend sleeping in the same bed. She is 7.

He is quite overbearing, with us he tries to take a lot of control in parental discussions, and to be honest, the mother is very difficult indeed, and has always devolved a lot of the responsibility for the kids onto current boyfriends, although never us, however much we offer.

Other issues here are that the child in question has a persistent (4 months now) water infection, a few behavioural issues, nervous twitches etc. She used quite adult language for example she has been given ?options? as to how to spend her time, and she ?chose the best option?. When I tried to joke that surely she would prefer a bed to herself and not share with a big hairy man, she immediately explained that he is not hairy at all, he has a smooth body, and that she thinks he shaves his body.

After I had been told this (corroborated by her sister, who wasn?t there but obviously they have all discussed the bed sharing) she started to go quiet and a bit panicky, although this is common as they are constantly drilled at home to tell us nothing of their home life.

We have had some court issues and have a joint residence order in place, which they have recently been trying to change the terms of unofficially. We have contacted our solicitor who was very concerned indeed. I just wondered, in amongst all the step parents here, what the general thought was? To me, it seems really sinister, but any accusation is going to cause one whole heap of trouble, for us and for the kids, and while their safety is paramount, I just wondered whether my reaction to the bed sharing was oversensitive??

[Bucharest]

Oh dear.
I was reading along, nodding my head, thinking what a wonderful person you are,then you bottled it.
The solicitor IMO should have been telling you, in the light of what you've said on here, to get on the phone to the NSPCC.
If the child is not being abused, then no harm has been done.
What on earth is a letter hinting at SSinvolvement going to do if she is being abused?
Please ring them.

[FourFortyFour]

You need to report this today, no excuses. This is a child ffs.

[TakeItOnTheChins]

What djinnie said.

Sorry, I don't care how "long and drawn out" the issue has been, or what ramifications you're worried about.

This child is quite possibly being sexually abused.

I cannot imagine any father condoning his little daughter sleeping alone with another adult male - even if he KNEW for a fact it was innocent.

The fact that it might well be NOT innocent, and your DP is STILL dilly-dallying.... well. Words fail me.

[FourFortyFour]

You won't call as you are worried about access. Fucking hell fire.

This child is potentially being abused and that will stay with her FOREVER. Pick up the fucking phone.

[belledechocchipcookie]

You can't seriously put this in a letter! What if this child is being abused and has an STD? What if she's due to go away with him again tomorrow? You need to call in the professionals, your solicitor clearly has no clue about child protection or the Childrens Act! This is a case of keeping this child safe now, not child residence. Are you not able to see this?

[tethersend]

Oh dear.

Bad move, Loodle.

You know what you need to do.

Any other course of action is tantamount to colluding with the (potential) abuse.

[ConfessionsOfaFlask]

OP- I'm begging you to get on the phone now.

I was abused by a relative at the very same age and I can promise you that it is worth doing something about it now.

[theredhen]

Yes, that child may well forgive her abuser in the future, but she will find it nigh on impossible to forgive anyone who turned a blind eye for their own gain.

[ElsieR]

Make the call.

[geraldinetheluckygoat]

I used to work for Children's services, this is definitely a child protection issue. Sending a letter to a potential abuser threatening possible ss involvement is madness, OP, please don't do it. If the child is being abused, this letter can only cause more problems for her. You must ring ss and let them deal with it and you must do it asap.

[tethersend]

Well said, geraldine.

[LoodleDoodle]

I absolutely am not bottling it, and I am sorry to have disappointed. I did in fact speak to the NSPCC as I said upthread. I was wary of solicitors advice, and they said there is no evidence of anything other than a dreadfully stupid decision to bedshare. Contacting SS will apparently be very stressful for everyone, in a situ where we don't actually know anything.

But look, I am not defending or condoning anything. This child does have a mother, and altho I don't like her very much, I am certainly not saying that the mother is turning a blind eye. She does love her children, and I think this was more a case of very poor judgement. They are not due to go away this weekend which did weigh in on the decision.

I asked for advice, well, opinions, and yes, I am taking them on board, and this whole issue very seriously.

It isn't not calling because of access worries, or my own gain? Wtf? What gain? It is because we have been advised that if access is suddenly stopped, which it has been before, when a previous partner was causing problems, and we were told then that the children would not be removed from their mother. If that happens, then the child will have all of her outside support suddenly stopped, which doesnt help anyone, least of all her or her sister. I 100% don't want to let her down.

I will come back, flamed or not, because I do appreciate the support for her. She WILL be protected.

[FourFortyFour]

How?

[FourFortyFour]

here

[TheProvincialLady]

Your solicitor has NO right to make these judgements. Her advice is poor. I am also very surprised to hear that the NSPCC thought that the suggested course of action via letter was in any way sensible. When I phoned for advice anonymously about some children who were displaying odd symptoms, they advised me to contact SS and that was with very much less 'evidence' than you have.

Of course SS involvement is going to be stressful. But you have to weigh that against the risk that your SD is being sexually abused. Which do you think is more stressful for her? In fact I will answer that for you - she would prefer all the police and SS intervention in the world to being sexually abused, and so would you.

You are the adults here. Make the phone call and let the professionals decide what to do, and then deal with the stress it causes you. If there is no SA then SS will at least ensure that your DSD is not placed in inappropriate situations as she is now, and they will do their best to minimise any upset to her.

[FourFortyFour]

You really ought to be ringing the police imo.

[WhoWhoWhoWho]

I have to say as an adult who was abused as a child that I find it much harder to accept the fact that people close to me suspected abuse and did nothing, than to accept and live with the actual abuse I suffered.

IMO these people let me down big time and even now I don't have it in me to forgive them.

OP I urge you to reconsider.

Also do not tell yourself that as they aren't going away for the weekend your DD is safe. I really feel for her, I've been that terribly nervous child myself.

[Smum99]

I know how difficult this situation is for you. We have something similar but fortunately not as serious. I was completely overwhelmed when DSS discused issues at home with his mum, and I was fearful that we would lose contact. We are however fortunate as DSS is older and we have a court order in place.

In our case I spoke to Parentline/NSPCC and they were very helpful. I guess what people are surprised about is the recommendation from NSPCC so is it worth getting clarification again?
Also can you speak to your SD's school or GP? Are they aware of any issues or at least be on the look out for concerns, you don't have to be specific but highlight that you have serious concerns and make the teachers aware that they can contact you? Does SD know about Childline? Does she know about inappropriate touching etc.

In our situation DSS mum should be protecting her children, mostly I think that's the case but we know that she avoids conflict with her new partner and glosses over the children's concerns. If she acknowledges what is happening then she would have to deal with it which would effectively end the relationship.
I know the shock you are feeling - could this be real, surely the mum is being protective, it's hard to believe but data now shows that abuse happens across all social classes and a new partner does introduce a risk factor plus your SD is displaying signs that all isn't well.

[theredhen]

I apologise for my earlier post. I didn't mean you would "gain" anything. What I meant was that you and DP are frightened of what you might lose.

You can ring NSPCC anonymously and no-one can prove it was you who phoned. I know they may well suspect, but they can't prove it was you.

Sometimes you have to take a risk and do the right thing, because although things might not turn out they way you want, you will know you have done your best.

[Pleasedosomething]

I have namechanged because this is something I have never talked about on MN before.

Bedsharing? She knows the man is 'smooth' (i.e. he sleeps naked or semi naked), odd behaviour, UTIs??

This is an absolute catalogue of indicators for child abuse.

I understand that things are difficult but you MUST go to SS or the police. You MUST.

If you don't, you are colluding with the abuse.

Seriously. Please take action.

I do have some experience of this, My father was a paedophile (he was caught and went to prison, and has now died). I was a child but had suspicions that what was going on (bedsharing, for example) was 'wierd' but didn't say anything.

I really wish I had.

Nothing would have stopped him and protected the children except having the children removed.

Certainly not any 'veiled threats' in letters from solicitors.

Please, please take action. Call the police and SS today.

[Bucharest]

Have you and your husband done anything OP?

[ledkr]

op i also work in cp and yhis is worrying,the letter could make the possible abuser become more carefull and manipulative but it sure as hell wont stop it,ss will deal with this as they see fit but will not rush in as they wont want to drive things further underground,leave it to the experts, solicitors not included.

[geordieminx]

I cannot believe that a grown man is (possibly) abusing your dh's daughter and he wants to write a fucking letter??? As a step parent myself, I can honestly say if it was dh's daughter then he would do everything in his power to make sure it was investigated immediately. He would probably rip the guy a new one also, but he certainly wouldn't be writing a letter.

How does he sleep at night knowing that this man could be abusing his own daughter???

Jesus Christ.

[Bucharest]

I just came back (firstly to shamelessly bump up this thread in the hope that many more MNers will tell you to do more) and to reread your later posts from yesterday, and also to apologise to you for jumping on you.

Then I reread and the fact that the 1,000s of pounds you are spending on solicitor's actions re access (IIUC?) and other issues seem more important to you than the welfare of this poor child has left me repulsed.

In all honesty, I find the NSPCC telling you that the solicitor's letter and a potential visit to a potential GP potentially picking it up and taking it further a bit as well. Did you really ring them?

What springs to my mind is why your husband isn't demanding custody tbh.

It all just sounds to me like you're hoping it will go away or someone else will deal with it.