Possible abuse - Sticky subject - opinions please

[LoodleDoodle]

Without too much detail, I am looking for some advice/opinions before charging in with my size 9's.

One of my SD's has just told me that she has been away a couple of times with her mothers boyfriend, alone without her sister or mum, and that the last weekend, they spent the weekend sleeping in the same bed. She is 7.

He is quite overbearing, with us he tries to take a lot of control in parental discussions, and to be honest, the mother is very difficult indeed, and has always devolved a lot of the responsibility for the kids onto current boyfriends, although never us, however much we offer.

Other issues here are that the child in question has a persistent (4 months now) water infection, a few behavioural issues, nervous twitches etc. She used quite adult language for example she has been given ?options? as to how to spend her time, and she ?chose the best option?. When I tried to joke that surely she would prefer a bed to herself and not share with a big hairy man, she immediately explained that he is not hairy at all, he has a smooth body, and that she thinks he shaves his body.

After I had been told this (corroborated by her sister, who wasn?t there but obviously they have all discussed the bed sharing) she started to go quiet and a bit panicky, although this is common as they are constantly drilled at home to tell us nothing of their home life.

We have had some court issues and have a joint residence order in place, which they have recently been trying to change the terms of unofficially. We have contacted our solicitor who was very concerned indeed. I just wondered, in amongst all the step parents here, what the general thought was? To me, it seems really sinister, but any accusation is going to cause one whole heap of trouble, for us and for the kids, and while their safety is paramount, I just wondered whether my reaction to the bed sharing was oversensitive??

[TheProvincialLady]

NSPCC will make a referral to SS, keeping LD's name out of it. I am pretty sure it will be done as a matter of urgency.

[tasmaniandevilchaser]

Thankyou for coming back loodledoodle, I've been lurking, not posted as there were plenty of others who were telling you exactly my thoughts. I'm very relieved that you called NSPCC again. The GP wouldn't necessarily pick anything up if she/he didn't have the whole story. Your poor dsd, the whole story is ringing very loud alarm bells, she is so lucky to have you to confide in.

[TheProvincialLady]

Well you've done the right thing and all you can do is wait and see now. I would imagine that SS or possibly the police will want to speak to you and your DH, so you will find out soon enough when things have kicked off. Best of luck to you and your family and of course, your DSD.

[MollieO]

Nailak there is a big difference between your dd sharing a bed with your mum and her dp and this situation. Here the dd is sharing a bed alone with an unrelated male away from the home.

[WinterLover]

Good luck for tomoro, I hope pick up goes well. I can understand the strain any problem involving DSC can put a relationship under. All I can say from experience is try to stay strong with each other and keep communication between you and DP open :) Its the only way DP and I survived, in the end it made us stronger.

I'm pleased you've come back, don't hesitate to ask for advice in the future...

[nailak]

my dd is four and sometimes she sleeps in a bed with my mum and her partner, i dont see anythin weird about that tbh

however this case has more factors such as the nervousness and uti's so i am happy it is bein investiated.

[LoodleDoodle]

I do have a good relationship with them for all I relish my wicked step mother role...and altho things with DP are not wonderful at all at the moment, we are pulling together for their sake. We have an overnight contact tomorrow, so i will be interested to see what happens - very nervous about pick up etc...will just have to see. DP has had some communications from her over the weekend about Mothers Day, no mention of anything else. I am wondering if she will play it silent for now to not let us know unless she knows it was us. Remains to be seen.

[theredhen]

Thanks for coming back and I'm glad that children's services are involved.

[plopplopquack]

So glad that children's services are involved. Hopefully there is nothing sinister going on but best to be on the safe side.

(It's lovely to hear that you have such a good relationship with your step children as it sounds like they need you)

[MollieO]

Have just read this thread. Glad to see that NSPCC are properly involved now. I cannot on any terms think it is right for your dsd to go away alone with her mother's dp and share a bed. The knowledge she has of his body is deeply concerning. I would be concerned that they were going away together in the first place - he isn't her step father, he is her mother's boyfriend. How long have they been in a relationship. As the mother, if I allowed it in the first place (which I wouldn't) I'd ensure the hotel room had twin beds. The fact that you say the boyfriend is overbearing makes me think that she would be worried about saying something.

Good luck. By actively involving the NSPCC you've done the right thing. I agree with others here that your solicitor's advice was wrong but how you deal with that is another issue.

[Bucharest]

I'm glad you came back loodle, well done for facing us again. I'm even gladder that you made that call.

All the best.

[LoodleDoodle]

I dont know why anyone assumes I wouldn't be back. We are NOT cowardly, or colluding, or anything else so bloody sinister. I love those children, DP would die for them, and any other assumption is ridiculous. We only knew about the DR from the child, not the mother, we hadn't made an appointment.

No one is more concerned about money than safety or, anything else. I reiterated the point several times that we had taken advice, and were worried them losing their contact with us at a timew where they need is so much.

However, we took on board the comments about the NSPCC, and spoke to them again. They felt perhaps I hadn't made my worries clear enough on the first call. All has been done anonymously, and they are now involving childrens services. As its anonymous, we don't know exactly what is happening but will be assuming normal contact.

I will leave it at that. I appreciate all the advice, even if I don't like any assumption that we don't care about the kids. Thank you for the good advice.

[plopplopquack]

Are you going to make the call?

When I think of the situation this girl may be in, I feel sick in every inch of my body.

[FourFortyFour]

Any developments?

[NonnoMum]

Just like to reiterate that you are not the one deciding and judging if abuse is taking place, but you are contacting professionals who will investigate and decide.

It's not easy, but being a responsible adult isn't easy.

[FourFortyFour]

I have respect for those posting their heart breaking stories but would caution against any more a I have no doubt the OP won't be back or do the right thing.

[wrinklyraisin]

FFS.

My sister and I were abused. At least 2 family members knew about this. They chose to do/say nothing as they didn't want to rock the boat. Result: drug addiction, suicide attempts, running away, under age sex in my sister. I on the other hand chose to retreat into myself and act all calm on the outside. Inside though I was a frantic turmoil of emotions and fury. It took me a VERY VERY long time to get over the betrayal of the people who chose to say nothing. They were meant to protect us. They failed. I actually forgave my abuser LONG BEFORE I forgave the betrayers. That might seem weird but the abuser had reasons, he was fucked up by those who were supposed to protect him and raise him right. The people who chose to ignore did so for selfish and pathetic reasons.

OP, please please please from the heart and mind of an abused child YOU NEED TO GO TO THE NSPCC. She needs your protection. You OWE her that as an adult in her life who suspects abuse!!!!!! If you do nothing (and sending a stupid letter is NOTHING) then you are basically saying to your DSD "I don't care enough about you to ensure you are safe and well at all times". That's unforgiveable.

I probably should have name changed for this. But some people here on MN know my story and it has taken me 15 years to get from being an extremely messed up 18 year old, to being a nearly 33 year old who has (finally) got some semblance of control over her life. Do not hand your DSD what could easily be a life sentence. You have to take action. Better to look a fool than let any abuse continue.

[theredhen]

Solicitors bills cost a lot but the cost to this childs life if nothing is done, could be a lot lot more.

[plopplopquack]

I'm a bit confused by this all. Are YOU taking her to the GP? If you are you could tell the GP in advance about your concerns so he is on the look out for signs. Just because he doesn't see them though doesn't mean it isn't happening. I understand you being concerned about access being stopped but I don't see that you have any choice but to report it.

[FourFortyFour]

I don't expect we will hear from the OP again and if there is abuse it will continue and progress and this child will have her whole life fucked up.

[Bucharest]

I just came back (firstly to shamelessly bump up this thread in the hope that many more MNers will tell you to do more) and to reread your later posts from yesterday, and also to apologise to you for jumping on you.

Then I reread and the fact that the 1,000s of pounds you are spending on solicitor's actions re access (IIUC?) and other issues seem more important to you than the welfare of this poor child has left me repulsed.

In all honesty, I find the NSPCC telling you that the solicitor's letter and a potential visit to a potential GP potentially picking it up and taking it further a bit as well. Did you really ring them?

What springs to my mind is why your husband isn't demanding custody tbh.

It all just sounds to me like you're hoping it will go away or someone else will deal with it.

[geordieminx]

I cannot believe that a grown man is (possibly) abusing your dh's daughter and he wants to write a fucking letter??? As a step parent myself, I can honestly say if it was dh's daughter then he would do everything in his power to make sure it was investigated immediately. He would probably rip the guy a new one also, but he certainly wouldn't be writing a letter.

How does he sleep at night knowing that this man could be abusing his own daughter???

Jesus Christ.

[ledkr]

op i also work in cp and yhis is worrying,the letter could make the possible abuser become more carefull and manipulative but it sure as hell wont stop it,ss will deal with this as they see fit but will not rush in as they wont want to drive things further underground,leave it to the experts, solicitors not included.

[Bucharest]

Have you and your husband done anything OP?