Young Minds’ advisers have answered your questions on children's mental health and wellbeing

[JustineBMumsnet]

Uncertainty and anxiety has been prevalent for many this year, and it’s no surprise that lots of children have struggled to cope in the circumstances. With that in mind, Young Minds have two advisers from their Parents Helpline to help answer the questions you might have about your child’s mental health and wellbeing.

“Better Health-Every Mind Matters offers simple, NHS-approved tips for supporting your child’s mental wellbeing, plus more advice from its charity partners. These include Young Minds who have two advisers from their Parents Helpline to help answer the questions you might have about your child’s mental health and wellbeing.”

Some background information on the advisors answering your questions can be found below:

Jack Parnell-Driver started as a volunteer on the Parents Helpline 7 years ago whilst studying for his degree in Psychology and Counselling. In his time on the service, he has been a frontline adviser and managed the volunteers, Professional Advisers and staff on the service. His experience has been focused on working with children with learning disabilities and emotional problems in school. He is currently training to become a Counsellor/Psychotherapist.

Stevie Goulding is also a Parents Helpline Co-Manager, she manages all of the volunteers who work on the service, some staff members and is also a lead safeguarding officer. Stevie began her career as a volunteer in 2016 whilst she completed her Psychology degree, and after graduating became a full time helpline advisor. Last year, Stevie finished her Master’s in Forensic Psychology and has been a Team Leader since last summer.

Please note that Stevie and Jack will not be able to respond to any questions about responding to physical violence or aggression. If you have questions about this, please contact the Parents Helpline instead.

Please leave your questions about your child’s mental health and wellbeing - whether related to COVID or not - in the thread below. Stevie and Jack will be back on Thursday 8th October to answer questions.

All who leave a question will be entered into a prize draw where one MNer will win a £100 voucher for the store of their choice (from a list).

Thanks and good luck!

MNHQ

Insight Terms and Conditions apply

[StevieYoungMinds]

@pushchairprincess

I have tried to shield my children from any news on Covid and the deaths and infection rate when I can - I don't want them to worry - they do know it's there of course and know why mummy wears a mask in Asda - how much insight do you think they should have other than the 'hands face space' advise - I want their childhoods to be as worry free a possible.

Hi @pushchairprincess,

Thank you for your question.

It is natural as a parent to want to protect your children as much as you can and I completely understand why you do not want your children to worry about the pandemic.

It is important that your children are aware that coronavirus is still present and for you to provide lots of reassurance around why restrictions are in place to help keep them and your loved ones safe, for example the hands face and space rule. It is also important to reassure them that one day the pandemic will pass, remain hopeful for the future and try to talk about the positive steps that are being taken, e.g. finding a vaccine. If your children ask questions about the coronavirus it is important to try and give an honest answer, however you do not have to go into lots of detail if you don’t feel it is uncomfortable or unnecessary. Also, you don’t have to have all of the answers – it's always fine to say that you don’t know!

For further information around how you can support your child throughout the pandemic please see our Parents Hub: youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/supporting-your-child-during-the-coronavirus-pandemic/

I hope you find this information useful and I wish you and your family all of the best.

[JackYoungMinds]

@vickibee

My son aged 13 has asd, he was denied attending school during lockdown despite having a plan. Apparently he couldn’t do social distancing. Is this allowed, the school had not carried out a risk assessment. The lack of routine and being disengaged from school for so long has had a terrible effect of his emotional state.
He is not eating properly or sleeping properly and I am really worried about him. What can I do

Hi @vickibee

Thank you for your question. I am sorry to hear the impact that lockdown and not attending school has had on your son. Routines and familiarity are often so important for children with ASD, so not attending school or having a normal routine must be incredibly difficult for him.

Firstly, I would suggest raising your concerns with the school directly. The SENCO would be a good person to start with. I would also suggest following-up in writing and clearly outlining the impact it’s having on your son and what you think needs to be done to help him.

It’s also important to note the emotional impact that this has had on him, so keep a diary of concerns which you can draw on as evidence in meetings with professionals. If you have not done so already, speak to the school or GP about a referral to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health services), making sure you highlight the key concerns you have about why you feel your son needs emotional/mental health in put. You can also ask for review of your son needs where professionals should come together to review his support plans (& update the EHC Plan if he has one).

For more information on this, we would recommend speaking to your local SENDIAS (Special Educational Needs Information and Advice Services) which can be found here: councilfordisabledchildren.org.uk/information-advice-and-support-services-network

[StevieYoungMinds]

@HobNobAddict

DS 8 was bullied terribly before lockdown, this was getting better as she was getting help in school with the pastoral worker, however she is now back in school, and cries in the car going, and I feel the bullying - or the memories of this are being triggered, I have spoken to her class teacher and playground lead - and have been reassured that nothing else has happened - the 'bullies' seemed to have forgotten about her - is there anything else you would recommend

Hi @HobNobAddict

I am incredibly sorry to hear that your daughter was terribly bullied prior to lockdown and is understandably finding it difficult to go back into school. It sounds like a really tough time for you and your family.

You have been really proactive in raising your concerns with your daughters' school and I would continue to keep them updated about how she is feeling and the difficulties you are facing to get her into school. It may be helpful to explore whether she can continue with the help she was receiving from the pastoral worker and question whether any other interventions or strategies could be put into place. For further advice on how to support your daughter getting into school please see our supporting your child in school section: youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-guide-to-support-a-z/parents-guide-to-support-school-anxiety-and-refusal/

I can see that your daughter has been impacted by the bullying that she has experienced, and I am wondering if you would benefit from some counselling or children’s play therapy. These services would provide her with a safe space to talk about what she has been through, express her feelings and offer her ways that she can better cope with the difficulties she may face with school. If you feel that your daughter may benefit from this type of support, I would encourage you to arrange an appointment at the GP to explore whether they can recommend or refer your daughter to any local services. For more information on the types of counselling available ,and guidance on how you can access support please see our resource sheet: youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-guide-to-support-a-z/parents-guide-to-support-counselling-services/

I hope this information helps and please get in touch with our Parents Helpline if you would like any further advice: youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-helpline/

[JackYoungMinds]

@tearskeepflowing

Dd (11). Has always been really hard on herself, so if she doesn't get something right first time she gets angry and gives up. She seems to doubt herself and pretend she doesn't know things when we know she does.
It's hard to discuss things with her as she storms off and gets angry. It's such tiny things that this happens with and she is easily offended. any chance of discussing bigger things is slim.
We've had a bit of help at school which helped with her self esteem, but now feel like we're going backwards again.
Trying to get her to use meditation app but she won't try as it's too much effort.
Really how do I get her to not be consumed by anger? And to get her to realise she doesn't have to be good at everything?

Hi @tearskeepflowing

Thank you for your post. Sorry to hear the concerns you have about your daughter. It’s sounds as though your both finding it really tough to communicate with one another and are both probably feeling left misunderstood by one another.

I have spoken about anger in a previous post which you might find helpful.

Another suggestion would be start thinking about other ways you can communication with one another – maybe starting with a communication log or diary which you could share and write in together every week. Often writing things down can be therapeutic and no one is left feeling like they have not said what they wanted to.

I would also suggest taking a look the Take20 webpage which offers lots of conversation starters and guidance for parents around talking about mental health with your child: youngminds.org.uk/starting-a-conversation-with-your-child/

If you feel like the anger is becoming worse, then speak to her school or GP to explore what local support might be available. Counselling is a really good option as it can sometimes be easier to speak to someone outside the family. Kooth is an option for online counselling; www.kooth.com/

[StevieYoungMinds]

@Dizzywizz

My 8 year old has been getting very anxious- he’s always been clingy, but now seems to have a panic attack if I’m out of sight, or if he thinks I will be, when we’re together, even if just for a few minutes. Eg when I took the dog to the vet I had to queue up outside, and he had to sit in the car with his younger brother. What can I do to help him through this? He goes to school fine now, but starting school was a nightmare. He’s young for his age (end of July bday). Any help appreciated!

Hi @Dizzywizz,

I’m very sorry to hear about the concerns you have for your 8-year-old son. You describe how he has always been clingy, however that he is now experiencing anxiety and panic attacks when you are out of sight. It sounds like a difficult time for you both, it is understandable that you are looking for guidance.

Anxiety is something commonly experienced by young people, however some are more sensitive to anxiety and it can become overwhelming and affect their day-to-day life. As a first step, I would suggest trying to talk to your son when he is calm and when there are no distractions. You could say that you have noticed that he doesn’t seem happy and ask if there is anything in particular that is worrying him or causing stress.

For further guidance around keeping the lines of communication open with your child please see the Take20 section of our website. This campaign provides parents with guidance on how to best open up and facilitate conversations with their children and on our website there are lots of activity ideas, conversation starters and handy tips: youngminds.org.uk/take20/

One technique in particular that I would recommend trying to help your son to manage his feelings of anxiety, is using a worry box for your child to express their worries by putting them into written words, pictures and paintings, which can then be contained within the worry box, see the ‘What can help’ section of our Anxiety resource sheet for further details around this: youngminds.org.uk/media/3673/anxiety-updated-dec-2019.pdf

Should your concerns persist, we would also suggest having a conversation with your son’s GP to explore the further support that is available to him.

I hope this information is useful and wish you the very best.

[StevieYoungMinds]

@Smarties87

My 11 DS has always been slightly anxious, however during Covid it has escalated a fair bit. He is a worrier by nature, very sensitive. He had his first panic attack in July. It was the most distressing thing to witness, for himself and me. He really thought he was dying and kept telling me over and over he loved me. It took ages to calm him down and he was distressed all day and night. We've worked on grounding techniques and breathing and it has helped loads. Subsequent attacks have been easier to deal with but they have escalated, especially in the last 3 weeks since start of school (first year at secondary) it's resulted in complaints of physical symptoms - headaches, stomach upsets, irritability and trouble sleeping. I'm at a loss to what to do next. We are on a waiting list for school councillor and GP referral to a youth councillor. I just don't know what to do in the meantime, what has triggered it, how to get him to deal with these emotions...after each attach he gets overwhelmed with sadness and it's heartbreaking...

Hi @Smarties87,

I’m very sorry to hear about the concerns you have for your 11-year-old son. I can see that he has always been slightly anxious, but that things seem to have escalated during the Corona virus pandemic. I understand that he has been experiencing panic attacks, which you describe are very distressing to witness, and also physical symptoms since the start of school. It sounds like a very difficult and concerning time for you both, I am pleased that you have got in touch.

It sounds like you have been extremely proactive in trying to access support for your son; it is positive that the GP has made a referral and that your son is also on the waiting list for counselling through school, however I can appreciate that you are looking for advice in the meantime.

It is important to keep your son’s GP and any professionals already involved fully informed of any changes to your son's symptoms and behaviours, to ensure that he is seen as quickly as possible and that they are offering the most appropriate support.

While you are waiting for support to be put in place, given all that you and your son are facing at the moment, we are keen to speak to you on our helpline where we can offer more tailored advice around your situation, see link here: youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-helpline/

Please also see the following link to the anxiety section of our website, where you can find tips for parents, as well as the details of other organisations that you can contact for advice and support: youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-guide-to-support-a-z/parents-guide-to-support-anxiety/

I hope this information is helpful and please do not hesitate to get in touch with our Parents Helpline if you need any further support: youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-helpline/

[StevieYoungMinds]

@Missandra

My dd is 10 and in year 6. Her mental health has really suffered this year and especially during lockdown. In March she was a confident and at ease with herself. She now seems to have lost her confidence and speaks about sometimes feeling so anxious at school she pretends she needs the toilet so she can go and calm herself down.

I’m not sure what we can do to increase her confidence and reduce her anxiety.

Hi @Missandra

I’m sorry to hear about the concerns you have for your 10-year-old daughter. You describe how she has found things very difficult this year and that she seems to have lost her confidence and is feeling anxious. The impact of the lockdown has been difficult for many children, so it is understandable that you are looking for guidance.

As a first step, I would recommend keeping communication open with your daughter and focusing on the positives and achievements that she has made. It is also important to remain hopeful yourself and acknowledging with your daughter that situations change and there is a potential for things to get better.

To help with this, please see the following link to our website where you can find our guidance on supporting your child during the coronavirus pandemic, which includes tips if your child is feeling anxious, changes to accessing mental health support and what to do in a crisis: youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/supporting-your-child-during-the-coronavirus-pandemic/

We also have a number of resources focused on building your child’s self-esteem and confidence, as well as managing feelings of anxiety, which I hope you will find useful:

youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-guide-to-support-a-z/parents-guide-to-support-anxiety/

youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-guide-to-support-a-z/parents-guide-to-support-self-esteem/

If you are yet to do so, I would also recommend getting in touch with your daughter’s teacher and the pastoral team at her school to explore the ways in which they can support your daughter while she is in school, particularly as she is feeling anxious here.

I hope you find this information helpful and please get in touch with our Parents Helpline if you need any further advice: youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-helpline/

[JackYoungMinds]

@KoalaRabbit

My DS (13 and suspected ASD) often gets very anxious about school though fine at home and occassionally school refuses and hides at school, appears to be hiding from teachers and wanting to be alone. He gets nightmares and has even pulled some hair out. What can I do to help him? Thanks

Hi @KoalaRabbit

Thank you for your post. Sorry to hear how your son has been struggling and how anxious he’s becoming because of school. School-based anxiety is very common and I am sure that the pandemic and lockdown has also played it’s part, even if he was worried about school before lockdown - you have noticed that it's more difficult now.

As mentioned in the previous post, routines are so important as it develops a sense of security and children know what to expected and when. It may be worth developing a visual timetable for him which he can turn to when he’s not sure what to do or where to go. School will be able to help him with this and can suggest ideas for where he can go at break and lunch times too.

It’s worth sitting down with him first and starting to encourage him to open-up about what could be making him particularly worried or anxious, and see if he has any suggestions for how you could help. It maybe that he’s not sure and that's fine, as there are lots of different ideas for helping him to start understanding what might be causing him to become worried. Finding ways to communicate and talking about it reduces worries and anxiety in itself - and increasing his own understanding of what is causing the anxiety, try keeping a log of concerns with him and trying to identify when and what he's finding most difficult.

You may find it helpful to read more about Anxiety on the page on our website: youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-guide-to-support-a-z/parents-guide-to-support-anxiety/

Given the level of distress that he's facing, I would also suggest that you speak to his GP about a referral to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) who will be able to suggest way of supporting him as well as an assessment for ASD. The school may also be able to help with the referral and can often provide lots of useful insights into what maybe causing him such distress.

[StevieYoungMinds]

Thank you once again to everyone who has posted on today's thread. We have tried our best to get through as many as possible and we hope you find our information helpful.

We apologise if we have been unable to answer your question on this forum, but please get in touch with our Parents Helpline so that we can support your further

Thank you,
Stevie and Jack

[KoalaRabbit]

Thanks very much for your help.

[Oneandzero]

Thanks so much, really

@JustineBMumsnet When will the draw take place please?

[Smarties87]

Thank you for the response and the links. Will tell DS to take a look at them

[Dizzywizz]

Many thanks, that’s really helpful

[jacqui5366]

Thanks for all of the very useful answers - they have really helped.

@JustineBMumsnet have you selected the voucher winner yet. Thanks

[caravandreamer]

My son's hitting puberty (12yr old) and he's up and down in his moods is there anything I can do to help him control the rollercoaster of emotions?

I feel like I'm nagging asking him if he's alright all the time but giving him a emotions board like my autistic son is too babyish for him. I can tell His mental state is up/down as he gets ratty, crying for nothing then laughing a second later for no reason at all, saying he hates himself then saying he's the best at this or that, not believing he can be a zoo keeper as he's rubbish at everything (we've encouraged him loads and loads praising him to no effect)

[caravandreamer]

Sorry didn't notice this thread had already been answered

[JustineBMumsnet]

Thanks all for your questions! The winner of the prize draw is @lillypopdaisyduke

[lillypopdaisyduke]

@JustineBMumsnet I've just received your email - thanks so much - I will reply now - this means so much to me

[BraayTigger]

How can I help my 5 year old daughter readjust to school after so long at home?
She is shy and Introverted in public (but loud at home!). She says nobody listens to her at school (“nobody gives me time mummy”) 😭😭 and I know it is because she tries to tell her friends her stories but is slow to get her sentences out and very quietly spoke due to social anxiety & time away from school and her friends has made it worse. How can I help her become more confident? She is the most wonderful child.

[SuzCG]

My DS age 14 has always been an anxious child - gets very worked up & stressed before any 'moments', whether they be big or small and tries anything to get out of things that are worrying him. Displays behavioural traits that I spot that alert me to it - coughing, hand rubbing etc.

2020 and it's challenges have caused him to withdraw into himself, less of the obvious apparent outside signs but he is more often than not now 'gloomy' and pessimistic and seems to be losing enthusiasm.

It's hard enough getting a teenager to talk to you at the best of times - currently I'm finding it virtually impossible. Are there any new techniques you can offer to me that would help?

[motheru]

Hello. My son 16 has been doing so well, as a very ambitious person he got good GCSEs, got accepted into a very good A level school and had a side 'business' going on a side as he always had good entrepreneurial skills. Week into his school he started talking strange, and week later he got hospitalised under Section 2 and now Section 3. It's now been 2 months and he is still in hospital, they manage to stabilise him and then he goes back to not being himself... I am in absolute pieces, I cry every day and my only escape is when I go to sleep. There is a possibility he is developing Schizophrenia :( I am struggling so much right now and would really like to connect to other parents or others who had been though similar situations as I do not know what else can help me through this. Can someone please help