How did your parents broach difficult conversations with you? Share your thoughts with Railway Children and help raise money

[AnnMumsnet]

As you know already, over the past year Mumsnet have been working closely with the charity, Railway Children with the help of Aviva to raise awareness of the 100,000 children who run away from home every year in the UK– and help to highlight this hidden issue.

Railway Children say "for every interaction via Mumsnet: including posts, time spent reading about the issue – whether it’s about spotting the warning signs, how to talk to your own children or about the risks and consequences of running away - you help to trigger a £2 donation from Aviva. To date, you have helped raised an incredible £142,692 to provide help and support to children under 16 who have run away from home, or are at risk of doing so.

On the Railway Children pages on Mumsnet, we have talked about starting tricky conversations, especially about the topic of running away, and how and when the best times are to raise this topic. There are many aides these days, video clips, books and other resources, but we'd now like you to cast your minds back to when you were a teenager"


Please share on this thread...

~ How did your parents broach difficult conversations with you? (if at all)

~ Did the conversation of running away from home ever occur to them?

~ What has surprised you most about the issue of running away?

~ Has the Railway Children information encouraged you to have conversations with your children you might not have previously thought about?

For every valid comment (up to a maximum of 3 per user), Aviva has very kindly agreed to donate £2 to Railway Children to support the work they do. You can find out more about the charity and more ways to get involved here.

Thanks MNHQ

[MollyBerry]

They didn't, it was artfully ignored.

Definitely did not talk about running away but I often wanted to...

[gazzalw]

No no talk of any such thing in our house! Did consider it once when I was fed up with my younger siblings! I recall thinking I would live in a shed :-). I didn't do it though....too afraid of the unknown!

[missmartha]

~ How did your parents broach difficult conversations with you? (if at all)
They didn't, if I asked questions like where do babies come from, I'd be told that I'd learn that at school.


~ Did the conversation of running away from home ever occur to them?


I don't now about my father (who was at work a lot), but my mum was so vile to me I regularly ran away, from the age of about 6. She would actually tell me to go.

The neighbours would take me in, give me a hug and walk me home to my mother.

She never hit me or anything, she just didn't like me much.

~ What has surprised you most about the issue of running away?


It wasn't an issue. It's only since I've grown up and become a mum that I can see that my mother was very odd.

[RevoltingPeasant]

My parents, especially my mum, were just really honest with us.

We never talked about running away - and there wasn't a need to - but we did have to talk about when my sister got cancer and some other things of similar magnitude, like when my mum had a MC or decided to have an abortion.

They would just quietly, matter of fact, say what had happened in clear and simple terms, and that they loved us, and then just be quiet and let us ask questions.

This is kind of controversial, but......... I actually see a connection here to (of all things) the Santa Claus thread earlier. I feel like people who want their children's lives to be 'magical' and are prepared to actively lie to them, even when DC know they are not telling the truth, might possibly also not be able to approach real-life hard truths easily.

[Ruby6918]

i ran away at aged 13 and was missing for 9 days, im now 44 and was found by the police and then placed into a care home as my mum didnt want me back, my mum was a strict single parent and what started as a whim ended up an adventure, there were no mobiles in those days and i regret what i put my mum through, we had little communication together and she was a cold type of parent, i have children myself now and encourage talking together, its hard as they are teenagers now but i try, always keep avenues of communication open, if its only suggesting walking the dog together,baking or enjoying a tv programme sometimes these can be the times when its easier to talk about things, if kids feel un loved this be the catalyst, ihope no one ever has to go through it, its awful for everyone

[MaddAddam]

How did your parents broach difficult conversations with you? (if at all)

~ They told us what they expected us to do and that was that. They handed out rules rather than conversations.

~ Did the conversation of running away from home ever occur to them?

No, that was for less functional families!

~ What has surprised you most about the issue of running away?

Nothing really, I knew a lot of teeenagers did it. and I have quite a bit of sympathy with teenagers who are struggling with their parents.

~ Has the Railway Children information encouraged you to have conversations with your children you might not have previously thought about?

Not exactly, I already talk a lot to my children about things like relationships, drinking, self harming, eating disorders, what to do if they're not happy at school etc. Running away seems further down the list.

[AnnMumsnet]

Hi - please see a comment from Railway Children which they wanted me to pass onto you.


"Thanks for sharing some very personal stories and views. Your comments highlight that no matter how caring your parents are, there can be times when young people need to talk to someone outside the family. This is why we fund helplines and also advocate that all young people who run away should be offered a return interview with an independent person. Sadly, recent research has shown that provision is very patchy. (1)

We focus on the dangers of running away, as we know that young people who leave home suddenly after family conflict are particularly at risk, but we also do a lot of work to address underlying causes. This includes one-to-one work with young people, and family support, as we know that if the reasons for running are not dealt with, the young person is likely to end up in a risky situation again. By supporting helplines and preventative work, we also try to ensure that young people have ways of accessing services before things reach crisis point."


(1) Freedom of Information requests by The Children's Society found that less than a third of Local Authorities are providing return interviews for all children who go missing from home, and less than half are providing them for all children who go missing from care.

[Loopytiles]

Important cause, so great that money is being raised. Lots of sad experiences on this thread though.

I had a loving, stable home, just a few blips! Parents did well at broaching difficult conversations. They talked about their own stuff openly (and rowed openly too - not so good!). Dad had left home and joined the army straight from school due to awful physical abuse. They told us about that, when we were fairly young, and his upbringing, it was OK to discuss or ask about.

Mum tended to blurt her worries about us out and get angry or emotional, which while sometimes not always harmonious did show she cared, and things got talked about.

Or she and dad would go out for a walk (or now suspect quick drink!) together, obviously to mull things over, then one of them would come to talk afterwards, with their agreed approach!

I had a friend who talked about running away and got into some bad relationhsips, she had a difficult home situation, I didn't really know how to help. Luckily she's done well in her life.

[madeit]

They didn't.

[yegodsandlittlefishes]

~ How did your parents broach difficult conversations with you? (if at all)

Rarely. Dad was better, we were closely and would often just chat about all kinds of things, practical and philosophical and so he would bring things up in the same calm and warm tone of voice. He would ask me why i did certain things or what I thought about things.
Mum never really had discussions with me, she would assume she know everything about me without actually asking me. She would either give me direct orders to do things which at times was very unhelpful, or she would be over protective and not let me make my own mistakes. I felt she didn't give me much encouragement.

~ Did the conversation of running away from home ever occur to them?

I think the idea that I might run away occurred to them, but I don't remember them ever talking to me about it.

~ What has surprised you most about the issue of running away?

So much has changed for young people (mobile phones, the internet, the court cases and publicity of child abuse cases changing a lot of attitudes) and yet some things have not changed.

~ Has the Railway Children information encouraged you to have conversations with your children you might not have previously thought about?

I think it has been one thing that has helped, yes, among many other prompts and things of interest to discuss.

[Jux]

How did your parents broach difficult conversations with you? (if at all)

My mum barged in on me when I was in the bath to have a conversation about periods when I was 14 and knew all about it from friends. That's it.

Did the conversation of running away from home ever occur to them?

No, but my younger brother ran away twice and it was devastating. He went to friends both times and stayed away a week or 10 days but was getting feedback about the state we were all in, which may have contributed to his decision to return. I do remember he and I when we were very young packing a case and leaving the house to join the circus. We had no awoken early enough, and my mum heard us leaving and brought us back. I think I was 4 so he would have been 3.

What has surprised you most about the issue of running away?

The sheer numbers. Much much higher than I had thought, and I had thought 50000.

Has the Railway Children information encouraged you to have conversations with your children you might not have previously thought about?

I had talked to dd about this issue before; bite sized chunks over time, but I did have a further chat to her about it.

[rightsaidfrederick]

~ How did your parents broach difficult conversations with you? (if at all)
There must have been lots of silent umming and ahing, and then they'd just randomly strike up conversations, usually when I was in the middle of doing something more pressing (e.g. homework)

~ Did the conversation of running away from home ever occur to them?
Not that I can remember

~ What has surprised you most about the issue of running away?
How many kids do it - I don't think I remember anyone who I knew when I was growing up running away.

[flow4]

~ How did your parents broach difficult conversations with you? (if at all)
This is a tricky question, isn't it, because what makes a 'difficult' conversation? We tend to call conversations 'difficult' if we don't get what we want out of them, so one that is very hard for one person may feel like a success to the other...
My parents - mostly my father - talked to me about all sorts of things: their plans to separate, my mother's cancer, drugs, sex and contraception, other people's behaviour they disapproved of... But I was talked to, they weren't 'conversations'. I always heard what my dad thought about everything; he never knew what I thought!

~ Did the conversation of running away from home ever occur to them?
Nope.

~ What has surprised you most about the issue of running away?
That there is such a sense of powerlessness. The campaign is saying "Children run away. It can happen to anyone. How awful"... But that's it: I get no sense at all that anyone can do anything.
I'm also surprised that this is being treated as a single issue. Personally I think there are several different 'issues' conflated here. It seems to me that some kids run away because there are awful things going on at home, and running is their best option. Some kids run away because they are confused and overwhelmed with life: running away is something to do when they feel they want to do something. And some kids 'run away' because they're not getting their own way about something, and they see it as a way to get more freedom and independence. Obviously, the causes, the effects and the responses are different in these situations - or should be. I wonder whether the impression that there is nothing anyone can do about children running away is rooted in a lack of understanding about the reasons, or an unwillingness to examine them...?

~ Has the Railway Children information encouraged you to have conversations with your children you might not have previously thought about?
Yes. DS1 (18) doesn't know kids who have 'run away'; he knows one or two who have 'left home' and a few more who have been 'kicked out'. He sees it as an issue of independence: the first lot are taking independence their parents didn't want to give them; the second are having it thrust upon them because they have pushed their luck too far.
DS2 (13) doesn't know anyone who has run away. He doesn't believe many kids do, or rather, he doesn't believe they do and mean it, though he thinks some could be doing it as a kind of 'game', not realising the consequences. He thinks kids who run away think it'll be 'like Tracy Beaker'...

[nooka]

~ How did your parents broach difficult conversations with you? (if at all)

I had many difficult conversations with my mother, because she fairly frequently talked to/at me about things I really didn't want to talk about (with her) at all. Luckily I had my much older sister and close aunt to talk to instead. My father was very introvert and conversations about emotional issues were not a frequent event.

~ Did the conversation of running away from home ever occur to them?

I don't recall ever talking to my parents about running away, and I've no idea if it was a worry for them. I did ask my father to send me to boarding school when I was 16 because living with my mother was becoming fairly intolerable (to both of us I suspect). I guess that was a way of running away from home. Weird looking back at how I was happy to accept all sorts of restrictions just to be in a different environment.

~ What has surprised you most about the issue of running away?
I've never really experienced running away from home as a concept aside from books/the news, so didn't have any very fixed ideas about it. In my circle of friends/family sometimes teens went and lived with someone else for a while when things got difficult, but no one ever disappeared. So I guess it's a surprise how widespread an issue it is.

~ Has the Railway Children information encouraged you to have conversations with your children you might not have previously thought about?
Last time there was a sponsored link at MN I had a conversation with my children about running away, and all the potential reasons why someone might feel they had to escape. It's come up in the context of books we've read or films/music videos etc too.

[AnnMumsnet]

thanks for all the comments: we have another thread now live for Railway Children - do add your feedback/ share the contents with your DCs school. Thanks