NOW CLOSED: When are you too old to ask your parents for financial help? Discuss this topic with Barclays - £150 JL voucher to be won

[AnnMumsnet]

Hello - you may know we are working with Barclays on all things money.

This week they have launched a big campaign to get people talking - they want to know what you think about home buying and money topics.

The team at Barclays say "We want to hear what Mumsnetters think about home-buying and the money dilemmas you face around property for your family. The topic in this thread is about how you deal with financial help in your family relationships between children and parents. We have three questions this week, and the question on this thread is "When are you too old to ask your parents for financial help?"

The other two questions asked this week are:

Are you saving for retirement or your child's deposit? and

Is it still a home if you don't own it?

Please share your thoughts on this thread - please note, there are no right or wrong answers and the question will mean different things to different MNers.

Add your thoughts and you'll be entered into a prize draw where one winner will get a £150 John Lewis voucher.

Thanks MNHQ

PS Please note your comments  along with your MN name may be used on the Barclays pages on Mumsnet and elsewhere.

PPS We'll do the draws for all three threads on Tuesday.

[DeGlitterBug]

Speaking as a patrent, for my own children I hope the answer is never, if they are in genuine need

[trikken]

never too old, but you must be prepared that the answer may be no. Parents should only hand over money if they are prepared to give it and not lend it as this can cause major family rufts and problems, re: being repaid by how much and how quickly and what happens if you find yourself in a position suddenly where you cant repay it.

[trikken]

rifts * not rufts.

[lisad123]

Never, I think my parents would always help if they could but while we don't ask, I know we could if we needed to.

[Rachel130690]

I think your never too old to ask for help.

When my hours where cut in work and was made redundant last year my mum helped me out so much financially.

I needed a new bed which she paid for, I also struggled to pay for my car (hire purchase) I got myself in quite a bit of debt trying to 'manage' everything on my own. I only went to my mum when things had already got too bad. I had been independent from I was 18 and really struggled asking for help.

My mum gave me a loan of over £1000 to clear my overdraft and my credit card. When I got a job I paid every penny of that back, as I really appreciated everything she does. Knowing my mum is there for me no matter what is great but I wouldn't rely on her to sort me out.

I found out in Jan I was pregnant and was made redundant again in May and I saved as much as I could as I didn't want to be in the same situation before. My mum has paid for things for me, for example heating oil which I paid back in instalments. It's great knowing I can go to her anytime if I am desperate.

Getting myself into so much debt made me realise that by asking for some financial help from your parents doesn't mean you've failed.

[floweryblue]

You are never too old to ask for help, there is a point where you are too old to expect it, then other things might kick in

[EllenParsons]

I am 26 and would definitely feel awkward asking my parents for money. I know they would help me if I was really desperate but I just wouldnt like to ask. I do feel too old and I feel quite independent, so it would seem wrong in a way to rely on them. I would generally find it a bit odd if people were relying on parental help after graduating or when working as an adult but I suppose it is up to the individuals. My mum has mentioned a few times about lending me a house deposit but we have not discussed it seriously and I don't think it will happen, for various reasons. I would also feel wrong accepting something like that when they haven't done it for my siblings (I think they got help from their in laws though)

[JakeBullet]

I don't feel you are ever too old. Families support one another and my parents will loan me the odd £30 if I am short. Likewise I will do the same for them.....have just lent my Mum €50 for an unexpected vet bill as her cat was ill.

[Midgetm]

My parents are in their 80's and I would still ask for help if I needed it. They would be insulted if I didn't, they would want to help. I would only stop if they were not with it anymore as that would become immoral. Otherwise I will keep asking and they will keep helping. It's what families do.

[WitchOfEndor]

I asked DM for a small loan aged 31, so I could buy my house when I split with exP. I was just short of the deposit amount and really didn't want to go back to renting (which costs more than my mortgage). I have since paid her back and would hope not to be in a position where I had to ask her again, but thankful that she could help.

[InMySpareTime]

I've never asked my parents for financial help, but have bailed them out on numerous occasions when they've overspent on big holidays and can't afford fuel etc, even when I was a student I helped them out from my student loan.
I think people are either good with money or they aren't, and it's not a good mix when parents are poor budgeters and their offspring are good, as it disrupts the family dynamic.

[jennywren123]

I don't think you are ever too old to ask for help if you really need it. It's about assessing the situation first. Have you really tried everything you can to raise the money. Do your parents have money which they could loan you?

[cherryjellow]

DH asked his parents for help ( a loan) when we wanted to buy a house. They can afford to help so it wasn't too awkward, plus they had helped his siblings. I dont think you are ever too old to ask for help, but like whats been said before, you can't expect it as an adult. The parent has to be in the right situation and frame of mind to ask. It would be unfair to make themstruggle on your behalf. I do hope I can help my DC's in the future.

[midnightinmoscow]

I don't think age comes into it, rather more the relationship you have with your parents.

I wouldn't ask them for help, but then I would rarely ask them for help for anything...we don't have a very good relationship.

However, I hope that my DC's feel they can always ask me, regardless of their age. If anything..the years between 30-40 are so hard in terms of childcare etc...I would rather help them then when its really needed.

[whattodoo]

I don't think you're ever too old. They shouldn't feel they're too old to ask their children for help either.
What is more of a factor is whether the need is crucial and all other avenues have been explored, and whether the person being asked can comfortably afford to loan.
I've never asked my parents for financial help, and my DF once said that because of that, he wouldn't hesitate to help me if I ever asked because he would know that it was for something very important.

[Quodlibet]

I imagine that it's in Barclay's interests that we never feel too old to ask for help from the Bank Of Mum And Dad, seeing as this is now about the only thing keeping the mortgage market afloat.

[OrangeMochaFrappucino]

My parents do one afternoon of childcare a week for me - this is an enormous financial help and I know a lot of people who rely on their parents for free childcare. I know my parents love to do it but I am aware the they are doing us a big favour. Both my parents and DH's have offered us help with sorts of things - house deposit, wedding, repairs etc. I think they remember struggling financially when they had a young family and now they are in a position to help us, they want to. I wouldn't ask unless desperate - and I know they would prefer to help us than see us in dire straits. I hope one day I'll be in a position to repay them for everything!

[Chandon]

I have not asked my parents for financial help since I bought the house, when I was about 30. I had been saving up, and my parents said they wanted to help with the deposit.

I think a lot of parents LIKE helping their kids, if they can.

In the end, a combination of our savings, some extra money from our parents, and a mortgage from the bank enabled us to buy our flat.

I hope to be able to help my kids too, but houses may be too expensive for normal people by then.

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

When are parents too old to ask for financial help? As that is my situation - over the years I have paid of debts, paid for housemoves, rental deposits and been a guarantor on rental agreements for my mother.

My Dh parents have in turn helped with the purchase of our current house (adding a few grand to our deposit), for which we are very grateful. We will help our children to leave home when they are adults. I truly hope they never have to bail us out, but families should support each other however they can.

[prettybird]

Within a couple of years of finishing formal education - but only ever with the intention/expectation of paying it back. It's a case of parents helping out their children through short term cash flow issues (for example when setting up a house) and not of subsidising a profiligate lifestyle. And with the important caveat that only if the parents can afford to do so

Dh is in in 50s and his mother is still baling out his older sister and never being paid back His younger sister, he and I can't work out what she spends her money on .

Even when I was at Uni (and I was fortunate to go before student loans and when there was still a grant, which, although means tested, was made up to the full recommended amount by my parents), any "luxuries", such as a nice holiday in the summer holidays, I worked for. Mum and Dad usually gave me a bit of extra spending money (about £50) - but I never expected it and always saw it as something to help cover emergencies.

[BikeRunSki]

When I was in my teens and twenties (20 years ago!), my parents were struggling financially (father had to stop work due to ill health - no life insurance or anything) and wouldn't have been able to help anyway. I think it is wrong to assume that this is always an option. I had to get by on whatever student finance I could get (last days of grants, early days of small loans) and earn. I have also always been actutely aware of life insurance and saving. I have never directly asked my mother (father died nearly 20 years ago), but she has helped me out when she knew I was struggling. Help towards house deposit (£2K), has occassionally bought the DCs shoes ad paid for a term of swimming lessons when DH was made redundant last year.

[GeraldineH]

"When are you too old to ask your parents for financial help?"

Once I left home at 19 I never asked for money again, occasionally it has been offered but we have always scraped by without it, even to pay for our wedding and our mortgage. I've told them that if we are ever desperate we will go to them, but that if we ever ask for financial help then they will know that we really are in desperate need.
My sister constantly has to be bailed out and my parents have given her tens of thousands over the years. She is 37 now and they are about to pay for her second wedding and help her with another house deposit.
I think if it is a case of keeping a roof over your head, you are never too old to ask for financial help, they would be mortified to learnt we were desperate and hadn't told them. But, in my sisters case it is just another source of cash for when she has spent too much at the shops and needs to pay off her credit card, that is unacceptable in my opinion.
A close friend of mine told me that she and her DH have £500 go into their account every month from her parents, despite the husband having a good income. She admits they don't need it but that it means they can have a nicer house and holidays. I'd be ashamed to take my parents money if I didn't need it, but everyone is different.

[scripsi]

I became independent at 16 which was tough. But I would not expect my DCs to ever feel that they were too old if they were in real need. However I would encourage them to be independent adults and we encourage DCs to be responsible with money and learn how to manage it, as I have seen the odd power plays involved with adults depending on their parents too much: it can affect both parties adversely.

[StainlessSteelCat]

I don't think you should ever ask for financial help from your parents.

Until you are out of full time education, your parents should support you. If they can afford it, they should provide you with what they can so that you can concentrate as much as possible on your studies.

Once studying has finished, you need to be able to stand on your own 2 feet and I'd expect you to have had to budget before this point so you can learn how to do it. You need to learn how to live with what you have, and not rely on handouts.

However ... if your parents have enough money to help, I think they should at least consider offering some financial help. This may be towards a mortgage deposit, or a car, or to get you out of a financial mess. It doesn't have to be accepted, but if both sides are happy with the idea, then why not?

I think the problems arise when a child expects parents to help out and so doesn't learn how to stick within their means, or parents think that they are somehow buying their childrens' time. Communication is essential - is it a loan/gift? Any conditions attached?

[clubnail]

I don't think it's ever a problem to ask for financial help. In the UK in general we're too uptight about discussing these issues. If within my family we can help each other get ahead I'd hate to think we held back because society deemed it unacceptable.