NOW CLOSED: When are you too old to ask your parents for financial help? Discuss this topic with Barclays - £150 JL voucher to be won

[AnnMumsnet]

Hello - you may know we are working with Barclays on all things money.

This week they have launched a big campaign to get people talking - they want to know what you think about home buying and money topics.

The team at Barclays say "We want to hear what Mumsnetters think about home-buying and the money dilemmas you face around property for your family. The topic in this thread is about how you deal with financial help in your family relationships between children and parents. We have three questions this week, and the question on this thread is "When are you too old to ask your parents for financial help?"

The other two questions asked this week are:

Are you saving for retirement or your child's deposit? and

Is it still a home if you don't own it?

Please share your thoughts on this thread - please note, there are no right or wrong answers and the question will mean different things to different MNers.

Add your thoughts and you'll be entered into a prize draw where one winner will get a £150 John Lewis voucher.

Thanks MNHQ

PS Please note your comments  along with your MN name may be used on the Barclays pages on Mumsnet and elsewhere.

PPS We'll do the draws for all three threads on Tuesday.

[aJumpedUpPantryBoy]

My parents supported me until I finished fulltime education aged 22.

I lived with them for 6 months prir to getting married and they were generous enough to not charge me anything (even though I was earning) which allowed me to save some money.

SInce then I have never asked for help, however, they have been very generous. I know that I could ask my mum anytime (I'm sure she would take the attitude you are never too old) but I would prefer not to.

[hackneyzoo]

My parents used to bail me out financially every now and then, once I ran up a credit card debt and they lent me the money to pay it off (I had to pay them back). They also helped me out buying my first flat many moons ago.
I'm 33 now, my DM died about 5 years ago and my DF is very old and has end stage heart failure, so they are no longer in a position to be able to help.
I have 3 DC and moved to a new area of the country about a year ago because of DH's family and work. There have been several situations that have arisen, when , if they had been able to, I would have called upon my parents to help me out.
e.g. The boiler broke, something went wrong with the car and there was a leak in the roof, all in the space of about 10 days. We are both working freelance at the monent and money is very tight and we simply didn't have enough money saved to cover all of this. We had very little choice but to pay for the car and the boiler using a credit card. A few similar situations have occured (big, unforeseen bills coming in, running out of money for food/petrol) and we now have a £4K credit card debt. So I guess my parents helped me out when I got into debt, I am crap with money, they aren't here to help any more.....and now I am in debt again!

[Snog]

Children - even adult children - are never too old to ask their parents for help, whether financial or otherwise.
Parents are free to refuse this help - mine do, and this is the reason I have stopped asking them, nothing to do with my (considerable) age!!!

[kellestar]

My parents wonder where I got my financial know how from, they are terrible with money and have very odd views to it. I had a part time job from 12 and added to that pretty much every year after, at 16 I wondered how the hell I had time to even see my boyfriend between jobs and schoolwork. I've saved and bought logically. I wouldn't listen to my parents advice, in fact I'm the one now in the position of giving them financial advice after they got themselves into a spot of bother.

I bought a house with my boyfriend at the age of 22, we saved the deposit up between us. We have worked really hard, saved, scrimped, made do and mended to afford what we have. We'd rather the money paid off our mortgage than an exotic holiday. I am taking a break from work to look after my DD, I'm pregnant with DC2. I worked hard to afford to do this for a short time.

Both of my siblings are useless as well, always asking for money off mum and dad, who earn much less than they do, yet constantly drainng my parents of any excess cash they may have or persuading them to take out loans for them. My sister in particular doesn't care if they end up in debt, as she's already way above her head and can't get in any more. I am disappointed as she's an intelligent woman. They moan they can't afford a mortgage, or this and that, but they have way more luxury than we do, horses, dogs, cats, posh cars every few years, exotic holidays twice a year, the latest gadgets and clothes. I've never badgered my parents for money, I feel embarrassed asking mum for some change to pay for parking and always pay her back. Mum, Dad and my siblings have approached me and DH for money, but I know it won't get paid back [have already learned that one!], but they seem to think that we are rolling in it, though we have no debt it's because we've paid it off and gone with out. Things are tight and they don't care, because to them we are in the black and they are seriously in the red.

I see the difference in my IL's who are really super tight and save save save all the time, they worked hard for what they have, but they aren't scared to share it with their children, 3 DC's. When we bought our house, we could afford the deposit and mortgage, but his parents gave us £5,000 towards DIY needed on the property, both his brothers got the same. Any time that there has been money given to one of them, they've all had the same given. And it's the same for GC's. We know we could go to them if we needed help or advice and we'd listen.

So in effect I want to pass on common sense to my children so that they don't get in money trouble, as long as I was in a safe financial position myself I would help them out. However I wouldn't get into debt on their behalf. I would want them to know that I would be there for them and I hope they respect the advice I offer, knowing that I've got where I am by hardwork too.

[MikeLitorisHasChristmasLights]

Im another that was raised by financially crap parents.

As soon as I got a job (14) I bought whatever I needed and paid some keep.

My mum has helped out over the years with the big purchases for the dc but she would be the last person I would ask for financial help.

[McPhee]

Well if Barclays would be willing to pay me back all the money they've robbed off me over the years, I wouldn't have to ask for family help

[FrillyMilly]

I don't think you are ever too old but you can't expect your parents to bail you out all the time. Every now and again I have had to ask my mum for help but usually when it was a situation beyon my control for example when there was the issue with natwest. My in laws also helped us out with money for a car which we paid back in full. I wouldn't expect either of them to help is out because we where living beyond our means

[RichTeaAreCrap]

I don't think there is ever a set age when you are too old to ask for help from your parents.

Personally I try to never do it. I have always tried to be independant and my DP is very proud when it comes to money and doesn't ever like us to ask for anything.

My dad can afford to help us if we were ever in dire straights and I find it quite comforting to know that if I really did need to ask then he could help. Fortunately for me he is very good at picking up on things and a couple of times over the years has picked up that things have been difficult and has helped me out in an emergency. Last year I was waiting for some medical investigation and was quite ill. The waiting list was over 12 weeks and without me asking he booked me in to see a private consultant and paid for it for me. However, I suppose that was more of a lovely gesture rather than me asking for his help, I was happy to wait. He has offered to loan me money in the past too so I could avoid taking a loan and paying interest on it.

My parents are divorced and it would be a different story with my mum - she doesn't have any spare money so I could never ask for help even if I wanted to. More often than not it is me helping her out with money, although she would happily give me her last penny.

I am fortuante enough to be working and between us (me and DF) we earn enough money to not need help unless it was a large amount and a dire emergency.

Overall though I think that once you have left home and earn money yourself you should never rely on parents to help - if they do it is a bonus but I think it is wrong when people expect their parents help just because they have the means to do it. They have worked all their lives to have the financial security that they have, so they should enjoy it, not spend it on helping out their adult children. Having said that I have been eternally grateful on the odd occassion that I have received help.

[Arcticwaffle]

I think it makes a big difference how well you get on with your parents. I don't think I've asked for any money from my parents since I was 18 (though they paid my student grant til I was 21), and I'd rather live off sawdust (or get a bank loan) than ask them for money, but that's very much to do with us having a poor relationship anyway. My parents would use money as a way of controlling and approving of their adult children's behaviour, and I don't want to give them that opportunity.

When it comes to my own children though I don't mind if they ask me for money in the future. I think they'll probably have to borrow money like most of their generation, much more than my generation. I don't think it's a problem if you have a good relationship and respect each other.

[gemma4d]

NEVER!

Its not an age issue but a question of who has the money and who needs the money. My parents would rather I have some of their money now, to buy a house with, rather than them sit on it (with it invested) and I inherit it when they die - when I no longer have the need for it that I do now.

My Mum's Mum helped them buy a house, and now they are happy to be in a position to help me.

[littlemonkeychops]

I think it depends on your parents financial position, there's a big difference between a wealthy set of parents giving their children money if they can afford it and want to, and parents who struggle themselves making themselves worse off to help adult children who are capable of looking after themselves.

Personally i'd never ask for help unless my DD was going to be homeless or staving, but then i'm very independent and don't see it as a parents role to financially support me as i'm a big girl now :-)

[Firawla]

As some others have said I think when you are an adult then you should not be asking for help, if they want to offer then that's fine if everyone is happy then why not, nothing wrong with helping out family but shouldn't ask and expect all the time. I think it keeps you in a child like state if you have to keep asking your parents for money, as in any unexpected expense or financial problems come up and its just run off to ask parents - thats very juvenile. Real emergencies is different and is someone is genuinely desperate and have to ask then they have to ask, but shouldn't be something ppl rely on doing.

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

My answer to this has changed recently as I have become a mum to a child old enough to leave home.

A few years ago I would've said I felt I was old enough to not ask my parents for any financial help as soon as I left home and got a place of my own but now it is MY child out there, in the big bad world, I would say I hope he always felt it was possible to ask us for help before turning to a financial institute for help. I realise we might not always be able to help but I'd like to think that if we could, we would.

[Tigerbomb]

As soon as you leave home. My mom and dad are pensioners now and as I earn more than them, I am fully prepared to help them out.
Both my adult DC (early 20's) can't afford to leave home, I help them one of them out (unemployed) and the other I help out when there is too much month left at the end of his money

[Vixjax]

I think it depends on both you and your parents circumstances, you are never too old to ask for your parents help but sometimes by ones late 20's/early 30's you are in a position to help your parents not the other way round.

[BabysPointlessPocket]

Dh and I are 32 and 33. We stopped asking for financial help about 10 years ago, but parents still give us help in one way or another anyway.

Our house has been falling to pieces this year and without asking, our in laws have kindly lent us the money to get all repairs done, with no pressure on when to pay back.
Also they have really helped with us budgeting our money. We had got into a bit of a bad habit with the overdraft, so whenever pay day came, once the wages had gone in and the bills out we were back in the overdraft again. They helped us to budget and set limits and targets and although we are very low earners, we are now managing well and living comfortably, in the black! and setting aside money for things that we know (or don't know) that will arise in the future. It's hard to stick to a very tight budget, but it gives a a lot of piece of mind when you know all your bills are comfortably taken care of.

I would hope that i would be able to give just as much financial advice and help to my children, there is not an age cap. If one of them asked me for help at 57 for example and i was in a position to help financially or just for advice, I wouldn't send them away because they are too old and should be responsible for themselves. People, generally only tend to ask for help when they really need it anyway.

I also think a lot more focus should be on helping children to understand money and budgeting. Perhaps taught in schools in maths as part of the curriculum.
I would be able to pass on the things that i have learned or been shown through the kindness and patience of my in laws to my children to hope they would never have to go through what me and their dh has gone through but sadly, my parents are approaching retirement age and still have money problems and still have to ask people (their parents or their children, i.e us) to bail them out. They have got into a life cycle of debt that they have never been able to break out of, due to many factors. They would be too proud to accept my advice of budgeting, or money management and would never take advice on such matters from anyone really and will probably (almost certainly) stay the way that they are till the end of their lives.

[BornToFolk]

My dad's just paid off some of my mortgage. I'm 35.

I had a joint mortgage with exP. He buggered off. The only way I could get a sole mortgage was to reduce it a bit and for my mum to be a guarantor. They were both insistent that DS and I get to stay in our home.

I didn't ask, I wouldn't have asked. I don't feel particularly proud of it as I've been financially indpedendent since I finished uni. And I've always been good with money, I work hard, save, have a pension and no debts so it does really bother me that I've had to accept help.

But the alternative would have been for me and DS to lose our home and I really don't want to put him through that if it could be avoided.

[noidles]

It's interesting that people are saying that they have had to turn to their parents for help during divorce or separation in order to keep a house. My mum who is in her late 50s had to do this when she divorced my dad a couple of years ago - she needed a car to get to work and they bought her a new car, and they paid for her to have a holiday.

I think it never stops - I know it works in reverse, if my parents or my dp's parents needed money and we had it I wouldn't hesitate.

[LiveItUp]

Never too old.

It would have to be for something important though, and only if they are in a position to help. Over the years, my parents have seen me save and been pretty good with money, so they know I'm not reckless with it and wouldn't ask if the need wasn't there. I always like to pay it back though, although they have paid for a couple of holidays in recent years.

Similarly, if I came into a large sum, or was very comfortable, I would want to help them out, or my brothers and their families. I'm sure I'll be happy to help out my DS's when they grow up - so long as i see them being sensitive about what they ask for, and being responsible with money generally.

[CheeseStrawWars]

Hopefully I'll have given my kids an idea of things like budgeting and managing money on a basic level by the time they move out. If I was bailing my kids out (or being bailed out by my parents, in the reverse position) on a month to month basis, I'd think that was enabling behaviour which isn't truly independent, unless there were extenuating circumstances. But then shit happens, and I would hopefully be able to offer rather wait to be asked if my children were in genuine need.

If it was helping out with a deposit for a house, a one-off helping hand payment, then I think, as we've (to some lesser degree) had the benefit of housing market growth which has seen house prices soar away from the reach of most unassisted first-time buyers, that's fair enough. But it's a bit rubbish that the market/country was managed in a fashion that created this situation.

[Flamingmarvellous]

When are you too old to ask your parents for financial help?" Erm..no disrespect to them but when they are dead?! Due to the financial crises we are in, we have to do what we have to do, putting pride aside...which is horrid.

[HappySunflower]

Age is irrelevant really in my opinion.
Situation and circumstances are more important to consider.
Speaking as a parent, my daughter will never be too old for me to want to help.
However, as a daughter myself, I am very independent and would try hard to be self sufficient. It would take something like needing expensive medical treatment for me to ask a parent for support!

[OptiMumPrime]

I never asked for fininacial help, even as a teen. The money wasn't there! I did, however, live at home, rent free, until I left for university at 18. I then asked if I could move back between the ages of 27-29 so I could save for a deposit for a mortgage. I paid nominal rent - enough to cover bills inc food. So, not a direct hit for parental cash, but still help. I would have managed to save a deposit otherwise, it just would have taken me twice as long. I think my presence helped anyway, with shared bills. I never felt like I wanted to ask for direct cash help, probably because my mother was not in a financial position to help much, and I like to be independent.

I would never ask for cash, but then due to my situation as a child (parents divorced, mother struggled financially) I have made myself as secure as possible, plus, well, she doesn't have a lot to ask for!

I will help my child/ren for as long as I possibly can. Obviously I will raise them to be self-sufficient and good with money, but if I can help them with a deposit for a home, and pay off some of their mortgage as and when we can, we will. No point in it just sitting in our bank account. I'd rather that than have them tied down to a hefty mortgage.