Is daughters lying because she has AS or just cos she's a teenager?

[TTkeepsmesane]

Hi, I'm very new to this but desperate.
My 14 dd has recently been diagnosed privately with Aspergers. Long story but because she is so bright her primary school and GP wouldn't help when she was younger and it was only after she beat me up anyone listened.

The biggest problem I have at the moment is she lies. They can be such stupid, blatent lies that are so easily found I can't beleive she keeps doing it!

Her reasoning is that if she lies and gets away with it I wont be angry.

I explain that lying makes things worse to the point I dont believe a word she says but she still continues to do it.

She has a totally blank face and monotone voice when telling me this and doesn't seem bothered about lying, only bothered about me being angry for whatever it is she has done.
I'm also a bit scared of her now, so really confronting her is a bit of a scary option.

My younger dd, who hasn't any ASD totally gets what I am saying so it's not as though I'm explaining myself badly.

As anyone else with a child with Aspergers come across this, or is she just a horrible, pain in the neck teenager?

[wasuup3000]

I don't have a teenager yet! However I do have a 5 year old being assessed for ASD. If he gets something into his head, that's that and no matter what anyone else says to him he believes that he is right, that what he should have ect. Other peoples feelings don't register as being important. It is how the situation affects him that is important to him nothing else.
So I don't think she is intentionally setting out to hurt and be horrible, just not as aware of how it affects you.
Maybe a visual consequence will help-such as a lie gets something important to her confiscated for a certain time period?
Hopefully you will get some more replies that will help soon.

[TTkeepsmesane]

Thanks for that. i am hoping it is down to the Aspergers!

I think i'll book some self defence classes then try and confiscate things!

[lingle]

I only have a younger child (possible HFA not aspergers so I hope you don't mind me replying), but I understand that a key thing with Aspergers is that your "emotional processing" is different - so perhaps she hasn't grown up reading and "internalising" the signals from your facial expressions and tones of voice. If she's still got lots to learn about things like this, then sophisticated things like a sense of justice and morality are going to come a bit late (later than her current age) I would imagine.

If you scour the archives you'll see posts from some lovely people with Aspergers who are sensitive caring people providing lots of support on this forum - because they are great with words - but who say that in real life they often just fail to read the non-verbal signals that people are giving off.

Anyway, this may all be rubbish, but I'm thinking that yes it's the Aspergers.

[daisysue2]

My daugher is ASD and she so often thinks she has said something when she hasn't. Sometimes she believes she has had whole conversations, when she has been silent. One of the best books I have read for parents of ASD girls is Girls Growing Up on the Autism Spectrum. I don't know if you have read it but it's about girls from 9 up to late teenagers. It's the best book I have read on ASD and girls as I have found every book before just didn't relate to my daughter it was mainly focused on boys who are very different. This book is great.

[daisysue2]

My daugher is ASD and she so often thinks she has said something when she hasn't. Sometimes she believes she has had whole conversations, when she has been silent. One of the best books I have read for parents of ASD girls is Girls Growing Up on the Autism Spectrum. I don't know if you have read it but it's about girls from 9 up to late teenagers. It's the best book I have read on ASD and girls as I have found every book before just didn't relate to my daughter it was mainly focused on boys who are very different. This book is great.

[TTkeepsmesane]

I do have that book but I haven't got round to reading it yet. Think I have been burying my head in the sand about her Aspergers. I feel as though all hope of her ever being "normal" has gone and I'm feeling quite desolate.

I will definitely start reading the books and thanks for all your help.

[wasuup3000]

It is ok and normal to feel that way TTkeepmesane you are not alone.

[pickyvic]

my son does this (he is 17) and i also think that sometime s because he cannot judge my reactions he thinks that ill ALWAYS be angry, he cant distinguish between what i really would be angry about and what i wouldnt, so i think he just hedges his bets and lies about it all!

could your DD be doing because she cant handle your reaction? my son hates me getting cross, he cant handle it.

he does drive me insane sometimes with the silly lies, i see no point but he obviously does. (stuff as daft as not admitting taking a yoghurt from the fridge to big big stuff like taking money)

ive no answers. just giving another perspective for you to chew over!

[TTkeepsmesane]

Thanks.

My DD sounds alot like your son - it is stupid little things she lies about and she does hate me being cross. It doesn't matter that you have no answers, just knowing she's not really a bad person helps.

[pickyvic]

no they arent bad...they just cant judge reactions and my lad likes a quiet life! it does drive me mad though sometimes.

[winno]

Hi my ds is 8 yr old with dyspraxia,- and sensory diff hes also being asses for aspergers which im not convinced of,he does have some traits but not enough for a diag, hes going to a communication unit in 3 mths does anyone no what they do? my ds also tells loads of lies we think its to try and make conversation and pals. His lies are often from stories his 1 pal talks about and my ds has nothing to add as he finds it hard so he lies

[winno]

Hi can anyone tell me if my 8 yr old ds sounds as if he has as? he loses it if he cant finish his book and if the bk gets creesed, he goes beserk if he cant finish his level on his xbox starts screaming jumping up and down. he doesnt play with any other toys, s,times watches telly but asks constant qs on whats going to happen next when we ve never seen it b4. constantly asks questions about peoples faces -why do they look like that are they cross ect, lines thing up now and again, doesnt have much imagination copies everything from others mainly xbox, then goes in to full charic acting them out for wks, nothing else comes in to play no interest in anything else. hes also very jelous of dd when she plays with her little pal goes in to rage that she wont play with him ect, any help wld b fab, thanks winno

[winno]

[rmls09]

Hi 'winno' I asked a similar question re my 8 year old so you might find it useful to look at the thread '8yr old being assessed for ASD- help needed' as some people have given some more examples of behaviours.
Also, some of the traits you describe sound similar to my son. For example he gets really cross with himself when he can't finish something and constantly asks questions, inc during tv progs about what will happen next and he also copies large chunks of tv programmes word for word - mainly the simpsons at the moment (It's a good job Bart is a cartoon cos I think I want to throttle him )

[winno]

Hi rmls09 thaks for that i will read it, i no how u feel i want to kill sonic i feel like hes in our hse 24hrs a day. Does your son have as/ did he go to the communication unit? my ds goes soon. winno

[rmls09]

Hi again winno, my son is awaiting an assessment for ASD but his paediatrician has told us that she is convinced he is on the spectrum.
He was diagnosed as ADHD two years ago and although he is still hyperactive over the last year his lack of social skills and other 'odd' behaviours have become very obvious.
He doesn't go to a communication unit but he has a 'mentor' who comes into school to help teach him social skills. He is taken out of class for a hour or so once a week and they play games together and talk about things that are bothering him.
Tbh I didn't know specific communication units existed but I'm going to look into that as I think my son would really benefit.

[winno]

Hi rmls09,my ds is just going to the communication unit as part of his assesment for aspergers, he will go for half a day so they can asses his lang he has a bit of diff in comprehe, what is asd and the symptoms? we sound like we have a lot in common re the kids. winno

[winno]

P.s you can get communication units in scotland most are atta to main str schools, you should look around u might be lucky they r good idea for kids.winno

[jasdox]

My dad is aspergers (he does not know it), he is a compulsive lair about everything, huge things e.g. i invited him to my wedding, he did not go as I mum was going, will not see her since there divorce; since that day however, he tells everyone its because my oh did not want him there, this is just one example from thousands. He has 5 children, and lied and changed tails throughout our childhood as you can image, made for a v. difficult upbringing as children (i think) are designed to trust there parents - sorry I digress.

Anyway, i think mumslife hit it spot on, but this is not the case for all aspies. I'm certain he totally believes it is the truth but he just twists things to how he sees it. My son is just being dx for aspergers, i will be looking out for that one, and unlike my dad who does not know, i will tell my son, and hopefully give him tools to help.

[TTkeepsmesane]

Thanks everyone for the posts. It makes me feel alot better about my dd now, but does anyone know if you can ever stop them doing it?. I've looked through all the books i've got but none of them mention lying.