Wondering if DD is neurodiverse

[ConfusedAnxiousMum]

I'm not sure what to do (if anything)? I've wondered for a while if DD, aged 8, could be neurodiverse.

She does well at school, most subjects at greater depth, popular, likes school. But she gets overwhelmed by things changing, so changes to routine, school holidays etc. She's known for being over-sensitive at school and there have been a few issues with this - friendship arguments, getting upset when shown videos of something that doesn't affect other children. Her teacher says she's highly intelligent and very imaginative so reads more into things than her friends tend to.

School makes her quite tired. She likes coming straight home for some downtime, usually reading or drawing with some tv. We cut the number of after school activities she did as she was getting tired and overwhelmed. She now does swimming lessons and Brownies.

We have a very structured, routine-based, predictable household. DH is extremely likely to have ASD and this is what works for our family. He provides a very stable home life for DD. Both he and DD are never still. DH's is much more controlled, presumably as he's older. DD can't stay still for very long at all and is constantly on the go. Neither of them like loud noises or crowded spaces. Both of them tend to be very literal in how they interpret things. Both tend to hyper-focus on something to the exclusion of everything else.

DD occasionally gets so overwhelmed she throws a tantrum, more like a two year old. Throws herself on the floor, crying, kicking and screaming. This isn't often, maybe every few months or so, but I'm not sure this would be normal behaviour for an 8 year old. It seems to be when her emotions get bigger than she can deal with and mostly she isn't in a situation where that happens. I think DH has a similar
reaction to overwhelm but he tends to retreat and shut down.

Does this sound like something I should worry about, or do something about? I know girls are known for masking better than boys, but that it can all fall apart at secondary school. She's mostly a happy, chatty, articulate child.

My younger brother was like that age 6 and 7. His meltdowns were scary and he would physically lash out. He grew out of it. He is now 38, successful, and happy.

I think there is enough in your post to suggest further investigation would be helpful. Have you spoken to the SENCO?

No, we asked at parents' evening just generally about how she was doing and school has no concerns.

It was the latest tantrum that made me stop and think.

I would request a meeting with the SENCO.

She sounds like my daughter (now 10). She functions well at school and the teachers didn’t see the issue but the senco agreed to support a referral to Camhs. We are waiting to hear whether it will be accepted or not.

There are some red flags there for Autism and ADHD, but it can be very hard to get a diagnosis at the moment.

Is a private assessment an option? Likely to cost a few thousand. In our area the NHS waiting list for assessment is about 4 years, and they will only accept referrals if there are significant problems at school.

If you can’t afford a private assessment, you can still read up on ADHD and ASD, join local support groups etc and implement the strategies that would help.

The wait for assessment now is so overwhelming that lots of children are waiting for assessment but basically treated by everybody as though the diagnosis is confirmed.

We've got private healthcare through work but I'm not sure if this would be covered.

I’ve never heard of private insurance covering assessment, no.

I would definitely act on this. Our DD had less traits than you have listed at that age and is likely to be diagnosed with autism very soon. It can be obvious in some ways but very subtle in many other ways with girls.

I would recommend finding a private clinic and booking a “pre screening” meeting and then go from there.

I don't know about neurodiverse, but your DD definitely sounds emotionally immature. This may seem a harsh question and i dont want to judge but just to understand the whole picture. would you say youre protective/mollycoddling of dd? how is her independence?

Only reason i ask is i remember watching supernanny and there was a 9-10 year old girl who tantrumed like a toddler, she behaved a lot like your description of dd. in the programme it said it was ever since her older brother died of downs syndrome and ever since then the mum became overprotective of her and started doing everything for her like brushing her teeth, cutting up her food, choosing her clothes etc. Basically the daughter was emotionally 'stunted'

I don't think we're mollycoddling her? Apart from things like being careful to keep an eye on how much we/she is doing and what time she's going to bed so she doesn't get overwhelmed. But surely that's just parenting?

She did struggle a lot with other people winning a game but she seems to be better at that now. She's fine now with sharing although she struggled more with it when younger.

I can't remember the last time I cut up her food, put toothpaste on her brush etc. I'm not sure how she'd compare with others of a similar age but I think she's pretty independent - she washes and dresses herself without supervision, including teeth and hair. I still help with nail cutting and check all the shampoo is rinsed. I know from the class WhatsApp about swimming that some of the others can't wash their own hair yet! At bedtime she goes off upstairs and gets ready for bed on her own, then one of us will go up to read with her.

She does her share of jobs around the house (mostly!). She can make a simple meal or cake with supervision for using the hob/oven. She's quite happy to do things like buy a book/toy in a shop by herself, go to the dept store loo outside the cafe on her own, take out/return own library books. I don't think I'd be comfortable with more independence than this at eight?

The school SENCO has left and they're recruiting someone else. Another teacher is covering in the meantime but someone else senior is off sick (longterm) so they don't have much capacity at the moment. It very much felt like they thought I was inventing a problem as they couldn't see any evidence of it!

The private healthcare doesn't cover it (unsurprisingly) but might do something for an initial assessment if we thought mental health was affected. But this isn't at all clear.

The local private assessment place also has the contract for NHS services. It says the waiting list is about 3.5 years at the moment (although there's no indication how often they update their website). It says the private assessment is about £2300.

Gosh. Parent-blaming, describing a child pejoratively and approvingly citing Supernanny as a childcare authority on a SN board.

The rule of thumb is that ND children will likely be a third behind the developmental age of their NT peers; parents need to parent appropriately to their child's developmental stage.