Hello, I’m hoping for some support and advice please as I’m completely lost and heartbroken and don’t know what to do!
My son (3) has had difficulties since he was 1 year old.
I informed his nursery before he started (aged 2) there that we suspected he had ADHD and also that he was not reaching developmental milestones. We asked if they could support us with referrals etc if needed further down the line and they said they would of course do that.
His key worker when he first started kept talking to us at pick up time saying she thought there was something going on with him, which we agreed with and had taken him to a GP who had said he was fine, nothing going on.
His behaviour started to get really difficult. Tantrums multiple times a day which he couldn’t be distracted from and could last an hour or more. Very aggressive behaviour towards us and his older sibling and towards children and staff at nursery.
When he started in the pre school room in September last year we kept speaking to various members of staff about his behaviour and how concerned we were .
Finally in October last year a meeting was arranged with the SENCO. She did a support plan for him and SMART targets and referred him to speech and language therapy plus contacted the area Senco.
He completed an Ages and Stages questionnaire with our health visitor in February and scored 170. We were told that scores over 59 indicated the need for an autism assessment. We’ve been referred and are waiting.
There were 3 incidents of inappropriate behaviour at nursery where he put his hands down another child’s trousers. I was contacted by his room leader and told if there were any more incidents he would have to leave the setting. I asked what happened after the incident and if she spoke to him and told him not to do this. She said she’d just led him away. I spoke to him that evening and explained he mustn’t do that any more and there’s been no more incidents.
I contacted the nursery manager who said they weren’t at that stage yet and had other options to try first.
Every time we have a meeting at nursery we’re told what hard work he is and how much they’re struggling.
My concerns now are that the support plan has not been followed or updated since October. When questioned about this they said they didn’t have the staffing ratios to be able to do this.
A chew bracelet we brought into nursery for him to use when anxious has not been used and he repeatedly comes home with mouth ulcers from biting the inside of his cheek. A sticker chart we were using to support him and which was working very effectively - they lied about using it and when confronted admitted they’d forgotten!
We were asked to take different hours for him as they struggle with him at pick up times. We couldn’t do this as it didn’t fit in with our jobs and felt we had no option but to offer to collect him earlier instead.
We’re now missing out on hours we could be working and it’s having a financial impact.
We want to take him out of the nursery as don’t feel he is being supported but both my husband and I need to work and need child care so need to find another nursery first! They’re all full or unable to manage “another child with SEN”
I had to take the day off yesterday to keep him at home as he’d been left on Thursday without support although exhibiting quiet and withdrawn behaviour and had chewed the inside of his cheek severely and was flapping his hands and really struggling even at home. He had a huge meltdown that evening and Friday morning and I couldn’t face sending him in.
At home my son is easier to manage. We’re using aids for children with ADHD and autism and learning how to manage his behaviour and support him effectively.
We don’t feel his nursery are making any effort apart from complaining how much hard work he is and we’re finding it so upsetting. All I seem to be doing recently is crying, worrying and struggling to sleep!
Sorry for the long post. I’m trying not to drip feed!
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.
SN children
Urgently need support please, so upset!
SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 23/03/2024 08:17
Fixerupper77 · 23/03/2024 08:27
Big hugs!!
nursery are shite, sorry. It’s discrimination to say they can’t help or support him - there are lots of avenues of support available. At the moment our nursery has applied for inclusion funding with the local authority which can be up to 4K a year which we agreed pays for some one to one support as well as targeted support toys. They are also drafting an EHCP. DD had a period of hitting when she was triggered by noise - not once did they blame DD. Straight away we had an individual educational plan in place - this meant staff were able to recognise when DD needed a break to stop her behaviour escalating. She never hit a child again because they knew what triggers to look for. Look around other private nurseries - fingers crossed you will find one that is decent and helpful and supportive! What I listed above is the bare minimum you should expect.
call your local authority and see what additional support you can get.
wait times can be long - if you have any budget for private, is that an option? We paid for a course of private speech therapy which was really helpful.
TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:27
what you describe is way out of what a run of the mill nursery can deal with op
and unfair to expect them to
SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 23/03/2024 08:42
We spoke to the manager before he started and she said they were able to support him.
What would you suggest then if it’s unfair for us to expect him to be cared for at nursery?
We can’t quit work as we’ll have no money. He doesn’t qualify for a specialist nursery ( we’ve already asked)
What do we do!!!?
TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:27
what you describe is way out of what a run of the mill nursery can deal with op
and unfair to expect them to
TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:41
op look at it from the nursery’s perspective
he is aggressive to other children and the staff
and he has invaded the personal privacy of three other children
mainstream nurseries are not set up for dealing with a child that clearly needs much more specialist and 1-2-1 care
SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 23/03/2024 08:42
We spoke to the manager before he started and she said they were able to support him.
What would you suggest then if it’s unfair for us to expect him to be cared for at nursery?
We can’t quit work as we’ll have no money. He doesn’t qualify for a specialist nursery ( we’ve already asked)
What do we do!!!?
TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:27
what you describe is way out of what a run of the mill nursery can deal with op
and unfair to expect them to
TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:46
nanny?
SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 23/03/2024 08:42
We spoke to the manager before he started and she said they were able to support him.
What would you suggest then if it’s unfair for us to expect him to be cared for at nursery?
We can’t quit work as we’ll have no money. He doesn’t qualify for a specialist nursery ( we’ve already asked)
What do we do!!!?
TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:27
what you describe is way out of what a run of the mill nursery can deal with op
and unfair to expect them to
TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:45
that we suspected he had ADHD and also that he was not reaching developmental milestones.
very very different to what’s going on now
SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 23/03/2024 08:51
We’ve asked them since and they say they feel they can support him.
TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:45
that we suspected he had ADHD and also that he was not reaching developmental milestones.
very very different to what’s going on now
SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 23/03/2024 08:50
We want him to attend a nursery. I don’t feel a nanny would be the correct support for him.
TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:46
nanny?
SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 23/03/2024 08:42
We spoke to the manager before he started and she said they were able to support him.
What would you suggest then if it’s unfair for us to expect him to be cared for at nursery?
We can’t quit work as we’ll have no money. He doesn’t qualify for a specialist nursery ( we’ve already asked)
What do we do!!!?
TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:27
what you describe is way out of what a run of the mill nursery can deal with op
and unfair to expect them to
Headfirstintothewild · 23/03/2024 08:50
If the nursery has applied for early years inclusion funding and it has been granted what additional support are they providing? If it isn’t enough to provide the support DS requires they need to request more? When was the EHCNA requested? Is the LA sticking to the statutory timescales? Has the nursery asked for more input from the Area SENCO?
Does your area have specialist early years places for those undergoing or needing to go through the EHCP process? (Ignore whoever told you DS doesn’t qualify for a specialist place and doesn’t require 1:1).
Unless it was to a specialist assessment placement I would not move DS whilst he is going through the EHCP process.
Have you looked for a state school nursery?
Have you applied for DLA?
TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:55
My concerns now are that the support plan has not been followed or updated since October. When questioned about this they said they didn’t have the staffing ratios to be able to do this.
they are pretty much telling you here… we can’t support your son
you don’t think the nursery can support him and want to pull him out
OP o think you need to accept it’s the end of the line with this nursery
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TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:52
so now they can support him? but before they couldn’t because of his age? i’m confused!
SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 23/03/2024 08:51
We’ve asked them since and they say they feel they can support him.
TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 08:45
that we suspected he had ADHD and also that he was not reaching developmental milestones.
very very different to what’s going on now
Headfirstintothewild · 23/03/2024 09:00
@TheNewDeer do you have a child with SEN?
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