Asperger's Syndrome - help!!

[endofmytether3]

My 3 1/2 yr old ds has had behavioural problems for some time. I find him difficult to deal with daily. I'm short in tone and always in a bad mood as I just cannot cope. Everyday is a battle. He is at nursery school and they too have trouble managing him although he appears worse there. he has been referred to a behavioural paed who has said that it may be emotional underdevelopement. If there is no improvement in 6mths, AS will be considered and he wil be evaluated accordingly. I have always known that he is different to other children but I could not put my finger on it.
If he has AS, i don't know how to help him now or how to manage him. He's an anxious, unhappy little boy and I feel partly responsible for his sadness. Any parenting advice welcomed!

[laughalot]

Endof snap school arent helping me either I am the same bright disruptive boy ....

[Tiggiwinkle]

endofmytether-Schools are often not good ar recognising AS and
many people have a battle on their hands getting the appropriate support. You say he is at nursery school-would it be possible for you to find a primary school with a more sympathetic attitude? Is the paed you saw seeing DS again before the 6 months are up or do you have to wait until then to get further advice?
Flamesparrow and twocutedarlings-I absolutely agree that a dx is a very positive thing. It is a shame that it has been portrayed here as something to be avoided, and I really hope it does not put anyone off asking for assessment in the future.

[endofmytether3]

Maybe Avenanap, upi are right and there is nothing wrong. Sometimes I believe there isn't then he behaves in a way where I think that things are just not right.

He is in the nursery class of a primary school (independent). The state schoolin our catchment area is unfortunately, not very good. We have considered other schools but none are able to take him for reception class. We have also considered moving to another area but thought it may be too disruptive for him. All the help that the paed offered (ie educational support etc) has not come to fruition and she moves to Oz in 1 week so at the moment we have no further appointments or follow ups planned. I only hope she organises it before she leaves

[Tiggiwinkle]

Do try and read the Tony Attwood book I suggested earlier. I know when AS was first mentioned as a possibility with my DS, as soon as I read about it I just knew that it was the correct dx. I think we often become so used to certain things with our children that we do not notice them anymore, or we just put it down to little quirks that they have. But it is the picture as a whole which makes the diagnosis.

[twocutedarlings]

Endofmytether - I would be very concerned that his current school are unwilling to help your DS. Lots of private schools are very anti SEN. If they are not supporting you now at pre school level, i dread to think what they are like with older disruptive children.

I think you need to ask them how much experiance they have working with children with SEN.

Have you ask how long the waiting lists are in his year group at these other schools?. Lots of people change their mind with school places. Just because their is not a place at the moment, doesnt mean that there wont be nearer the time.

To be totally honest i think you need to do whatever is best for him now, have a look round at some other pre schools. If only to get to find out what support is avaliable.

Its totally unfair that is current school have labled him as disruptive, FGS his is only 3, arnt 3 year olds ment to be disruptive !! I know my DD2 (also 3.5) is a total PITA .

[avenanap]

Hi endof.
my ds is at a private school and I know from experience that they can be less tolerant of a child's individuality. The traffic light system is good in theory but had no effect on my ds when the reception teacher tried this, the report that he was placed on also had no effect, nor did the tellings off, meetings with the head etc, if your child is not resopnding to the method of discipline then that method is not right for him. I really do recommend the unwritten rules of parenting book.
There are alot of private schools that expect their pupils, regardless of age or ability, to behave in a specific way and when they have a child that does not fit into their ideals of the teachable, quiet, well behaved child, then the schools do not know what to do for the best. They do tell parents that their child is not behaving in the required way, that things are not quite right because of their expectations.
I've found that you need to test out alot of different types of discipline and methods to find the one that your child responds to the best. As to everything else, get to know him, the things that he enjoys, the things that he responds to and what he is able to do. I was told by a very wise mnetter that you should try to understand a child and try to walk in their shoes in order to see what their world is like in order to help them. Schools don't always understand the needs of a bright child because they do not fit into their mold. I think they sometimes see the child and try to change them rather than the behaviour. It's fairly obvious from your posts that you are feeling overwhelmed and need support. The national Association of Gifted children run a telephone helpline for parents, I'm not sure what their number is so you'll have to look it up but they are really helpful. Trust your instincts.

Tiggi: A dx can be the answer to a parents problems, to know for certain how to support their child can be a relief so I am in no way anti assessment but I have also seen parents with the opposite view that has been allowed to eat away at their family. For some a diagnosis is devestating, it's the knowledge that this is their child and all they can do is adapt and manage what ever the diagnosis is. All options should be considered and endof can't do this unless she knows what the options are. I appologise if I have offended you.

[endofmytether3]

Thanks again! Off to the bookshop this morning to get the Attwood book and will check the National Association of Gifted Children website too and give them a call on Monday.

I have checked all the local schoolsboth state and private. With state schools catchment area is the sole problem. Private schools (of which there are 6 or 7) all have waiting lists of approx 2 yrs. One has experience of children who do not conform and some SEN. But their list is HUGE and the cost is double that of his current school.

I will chase the paed on Monday and start being a PITA to all concerned until we can find a way the deal with the present.

Avenanap - you are absolutely right. I do need to know ds and try and understand his world. But its sooooo hard!! I will do my best and read the book you recommended.

[Taliesintraction]

Unfortunately it's the PITA's who get help, not necesarily those who need it most.

The plus side, once the agencies realise you are a PITA it gets easier, if they know they are unlikely to take no for an answer they tend to give in more easily.

[TotalChaos]

have you spoken to the senco/head at and/or visited the "bad" local state schools - they may actually be more understanding of SN and possible AS than his current private nursery.

You asked about ABA - I don't know much myself, but there are other ladies on this board with extensive hands on experience of it - so either search the archives on here or put a separate thread on asking for advice.

Social Stories by Carol Gray are meant to be good for kids with AS/ASD - they sort of explain visually about how to behave in certain social situations.

[Flamesparrow]

Twocutedarlings - just wanted to say thank you We have made a hell of a progress in the last couple of months. The accepting it and adapting rather than not wanting to treat her differently because it isn't "fair" has been that shift in perception that we needed. It is still very much a conscious thing - I still lose my temper far too often, but when I do remember and we talk through what we are each feeling, then it is sooooooo much easier.

[Taliesintraction]

The diagnose not diagnose dilema can be more than a bit complex.

OK you get your diagnosis and you can have the key to services and benefits.

But it can also lead to everything about the child becoming attached to the "label" and a massive lowering of expectations all round.

So there are pluses and negatives associated with "diagnosis"

[endofmytether3]

Bought the Attwood book at the weekend and I haven't been able to put it down. It's my ds. however, it is far too early to diagnose so I think we will take the behaviour therapy advice from it and try to apply it at home. Having read most of the book, i think my dad has AS. What a can of worms!
iwearfalirs - I will let you know how we get on with the CO.

avenanap - calling NAGC this morning too.

The PITA campaign has begun in earnest!

[Peachy]

I wish we could scrap the special needs phrase, additional needs is a much better description of my ds's- they have exactly the same needs as other kids but with a few extra on top. And at least I wouldnt get the gripes from other parents who think that using the phrase menas I think my kids are better than theris (theya re of course, but..... )

endofmytether, I could have written your post at any time between ds1 being about 18 konths and last night! He is 8 and has a dx of AS/ HFA (ie they don't know which it is). He has extreme behavioural issues, school has scored him as 1/10 for social interaction with peers (ie he hits them rather than interacts). he has zero empathy, is extremelya rrogant and pretty much does what he wants all the time. I ahve two otehr kids and neither are like that, which is a comfort sometimes when I wonder what on earth I did wrong.

I'm not going to pretend that i have all the answers, but exoperience has given me some. First, ime a dx is massively important- for your own peace of ind (the is it me? factor) as anything else. It also gives you access to support like the national autistic society and they runt hings like the Help! course where you can learn AS and ASD specific skills to help improve behaviours. Another tip is to just step out of the picture from time to time. What I mean is, if you get bogged down in battles 9right now its ds1's compulsive potion mixing again) its often better to just step aside, provide the safe environment for them to get on with whatever they're doing and use the ten minutes to relax- bath or some lavender oil or whatever.

You also need to amke sure your most absic needs are met: sleep, food, support when struggling.

Sympathies because it's hard, buta lso well done for asking for support- thats the biggest step.

Was discussing the ASD / AS thing with ds1 yesterday and the 'something wrong with' debate- we agreed that it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with ds1, but that there's something abit different that people need to understand if they're going to be his friends. And that different si OK because everyone is different in some way or another.

[flyingmum]

Endof

Like Peachy I could have written your original post about my chap when he was the same age. His fascination was toilets (lots of flushing) and washing machines. Oh Boy how they all went on and on about how 'abnormal' this was.

My chap has a range of stuff but is ASD as well. He was also cuddly and huggy and was a lot to other people (fascination for hair at one time) which didn't end until puberty started in year 6. Now he is just the average teenager.

Getting it all sorted out now in terms of diagnosis and provision will smooth your path later on when he might need more help. Some of the behaviour he exhibits now can be exhibited by lots of different children and it gets tricky when you have a child like we do who is very different at home to how he was in school.
Just to let you know our son is utterly lovely, sensible, does not have any major obsessions any more, is quirky, loving, and socially still a little awkward and clumsy but in the line of what is expected of a 'teenager'. He's brightish at cetain things but not at others and is just himself. Of course we worry about him but not as much as I did when he was at nursery and infant school.

There is also a big thing that all children NEED to be sociable (as judged by whoever draws up some set of objectives to be filled). Well we are not all like that - there are some people that tread their own path and as long as they develop enough social skills to not make any huge gaffs and get them where they want to go and have a small number of very good friends then surely tht is fine. There are some mums on here who have ASD and hearing their perspective on this would be very interesting.

All the best.

[endofmytether3]

hello all.

PITA campaign began yesterday....funnily enough..no progress! Will assume the campaign again today.

Traffic light system at school - he had a red light for 'not focusing' - what???? I've already explained AS to them, would they have given him a red light for not joining in the 100m sprint if he had only 1 leg? No, if the difficulty cannot be detected visiually then they are not interested.

We went to a birthday party at the weekend and ds had taken a bunch of balloons from one of the tables and was enjoying the chase when I was trying to return it (he saw another child do this and thought it would be fun). One mother said v loudly, 'that's a surprise'. Needless to say, i have lay in bed awake since thinking about how i can respond! what gives people the right to make such comments to us?