Can't cope anymore :( listening ear would be great. ASD issues

[Purplerainbow2]

My 9 year old ds has ASD, anxiety possible dyslexia. Under Camhs, OT and others. Always had issues with sensory problems. Attendance has got so bad this school year esbas are involved. He hasn't been to school at all since half term, didn't leave the house at all in half term. Says his clothes irritate him. He goes actually crazy when putting clothes on. Pulling and shouting and throwing them about. Will sit in his pjs. I have ds2 at primary who needs to go to school and actually wants to. School are ok ish and have on occasion picked up ds2 in the mornings as we live just across to school. Some times I manage to get someone to take ds2. Today however he wouldn't put on clothes, said they irritate him (this is after me ordering over £1000) worth of different pants and trousers over half term. Today I was late picking up ds/ as he trashed his room, shouting and swearing at me. Like its my fault. I'm then stressed a I need to get ds2 from school. I can't leave him at home so I had to take him in the car, he laid under a bunch of blankets. I did not feel comfortable with this situation at all because he is so unpredictable. Iv had him come at me with kitchen knifes which are now gone as I can't run the risk. He turns into a devil on the rampage. I have to move ds2 and leave ds2 to rage and destroy whatever room he is in until he's calm. Then later he's like it didn't happen. Completely opposite. Iv cried at he isn't bothered. One minute he's fine with ds2 other times he will through stuff at him just for him looking at him. I can't carry on like this anymore.

I'm not sleeping and I'm so stressed. I don't like my own son. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. OT have helped to a degree in that she is willing but hasn't helped. Camhs are a waste of space and are supposedly seeing him again after Easter. He suffers severe anxiety but I feel like he's just playing me. One minute crying saying he hates school and can't cope with it, he next day says there is no problem. I just don't know what to do. I have no help in RL as dh is at work whilst all this is happening.

Can anyone make any suggestions for me? I feel like I want to walk out of the house right now. I obviously wouldn't do that but it's how I feel like he will be fine when dh gets home. Then it will kick off again at some point. It's the constant up and then down I can't cope with. It's not consistent and u don't know how to deal with it anymore. I'm crying whilst I type

[Obs2016]

Poor you. Big hugs.

My ds1 has been terrible with ds2 recently, they seem to be irritating eachother beyond belief.

So hard!!

[Purplerainbow2]

Thanks obs. I just don't know what to do. He's becoming reclusive. Can hardly get him out for anything. Says his clothes are irritating him. He won't even go out with pjs on or whatever as he 'doesn't feel right'. If he cried.... I'd prob feel different about it I don't know? But he's so abusive, screaming at me, trashing everything ... I don't know what to do. I had to give up work last years because of struggling to get him into school. I know later on he'll tell me he loves me and I'm the best mum in the world... If that's the case why is he so horrible to me?? I have no one else I can rely on. I can't get ds2 to walk by himself, I can't send him in a taxi by himself either.

[Obs2016]

Ds1 is well nasty to me. It does make it do much more unbearable doesn't it?

This is just no good, is it?
Dealing with ds1 is one thing. You have to get ds2 to school.
What is ds1's school actually saying?

[shazzarooney99]

Ok we went through this for around 3months, what school done was let my son start walking through the office door rather than through the cloakroom because of the noise. The learning mentor would speak to him every day, asking him to put good thoughts and bad thoughts in a box then they were gone.

Perhaps ask school how they are going to help in this situation? ask them if they can send someone round to pick him up?

I feel for you, as i know how it feels to hide the knives, every so often when my son tries to kill himself i take him to A& E. Feel for you xxxxxxxxxx

[Purplerainbow2]

The school have done a lot.... He has more help than any other child ever has... He has had numerous nuture groups which have done no good, he has been in an anger management thing for just over a year and has 'thrive' each week. He has access to the ASD unit and they do various things with him in there. He has a drama therapist come on each week that the school arranged through pupil premium. The school have been over, can never get him in, they often take ds2 for me when I can't get anyone else to.

He talks about committing suicide, has done for about 2 years, telling me how he would do it. I have to watch him like a hawk when he's in that state as u don't trust him not to, yet no one else seems remotely concerned about this, Iv never ever heard a child talk about commiting suicide but none of re waltz professionals see a concern?? I can't just think 'he's just saying that for drama' I just can't.

He is allowed through the front office, this is how he comes out at the end of the day, I meet him. Makes no diff in getting him to school. I have no idea what has caused all this, why he can't get into ANY clothes. Always been very restricted but this is ridiculous. It sounds awful but I don't have know if he's playing me. I know he has sensory sensitivities, and I know these are heightened when anxious but this is crazy.

The attendance board are coming again Wednesday to do a support plan. Not sure how that will help but I will do anything.

[Purplerainbow2]

How old are big if your ds's?

[Purplerainbow2]

He reckons today he wanted to go to school. Tried a different approach and booked both ds into breakfast club at school wih a teacher both like, he was counting down the time quite happily to when we were to leave. Came to it and now even his pants are irritating him. Won't get dressed at all. Had such an argument resulting in me and then ds2 crying (worried about the effect it all has on ds2) managed to get someone take ds2 to school. Ds1 is at home. Now school time has gone, he is fine, playing Lego on the front room floor like nothing has happened yet he says he did want to go to school. I have no idea what to do or how to handle it anymore. Iv arranged someone else to take and collect ds2 from school to try a diff approach, that I don't even mention school or leaving the house to ds1.

[wotoodoo]

This is so dreadful. What are your options? Your mental health is clearly at stake!

Could you go back to work and let your dh deal with him?

Would temp. fostering him out be of interest to you, is it even an option?

Being honest to your dh, gp, camhs, the school etc about what you can cope with is the biggest factor here. Perhaps you should contact the crisis team if it all gets to much?

[Purplerainbow2]

I only remarried last year and his birth dad was abusive and I only found it out last year. Dh isn't that great at dealing with him in that state, in fact most people aren't. I would not foster him out or let anyone take him away due to his awful childhood. Ex h was abusive toward me, threw him out when ds1 was 3 and ds2 was 1. On top of that has ASD with other issues. So it isn't an option to leave him. I can't go back to work as I couldn't hold down a job as I'm not reliable enough to be there any more.

I had a chat with him this morning, he is still in his pjs. Was playing Lego technics then laid on sofa. Basically school is causing the worsening sensory issues. I told him I just need for him to get dressed so j can get ds2 into school. I think he thinks school will try to take him from me if he goes near to the school. I said what if we home ed, he said he would be sad as would miss his friends, I said well at the moment you have neither friends or education.

He has in continence nurse he's under as he's been soiling since potty trained when. Anxious and nothing has helped, she agrees that anxiety is causing the soiling and that he needs medication for anxiety but no one will give it to him as they 'don't like to medicate children' which I do generally understand. I don't know wether to try to get the money to go private and try to get medication. That's such a gamble though as if we get medication, we will have to stay private and its a lot of money long term.

Just don't know what to do. Right now he is genuinely fine. Eaten, drunk, chatting mood is fine.

[wotoodoo]

ok, op I think you need a massive hug here it is

The school sounds pretty good all things considering, so what if you suggested just going in when he wants to go and the rest of the time look at home schooling options?

I am sorry for all the abuse you've both suffered :( you sound absolutely amazing given the circumstances.

It sounds as if his anxiety gets on top of him and then he flares up uncontrollably. These sound like moments in time rather than all the time.

Is there a way to minimise the stress of going to school? Getting up earlier, even having a tick box scheme with a reward at the end? Anticipating stressfull times and talking him through it?

My worry is the older he gets the bigger he will be and less you will be able to manage. The violence is clearly unacceptable so I would definitely involve the police if he threatens you with a knife, there must be boundaries, and a visit from them might be what he needs.

You must put your safety and health first op, so please see if you can find options where you can have downtime from all this.

Good luck

[Purplerainbow2]

Sorry can't open the attachement. I don't think you can do half home school and half going to school, your either in or out? Iv requested more work at home from school but haven't had it yet. He hasn't threatened me with a knife for a while.

My concern is he's now living a life that feeling like he is now is normal, the low moods and low self esteem. ..

[Blossom4538]

I don't know what to say. You are fantastic caring for your challenging little one. Our little girl has been a nightmare at home at times and very aggressive, up and down, extreme anxiety which sometimes even makes moving around the home tricky. I am not being particularly helpful but just wanted to send a big hug

[Purplerainbow2]

Thanks blossom that's very kind of you. Been a hard day today! Had the attendance board around today.

He barely out of his pjs at the moment. Hasn't left the house for ages now