Bringing up the possibility of SN to parents in denial?

[kmt180]

I'm a pre-K teacher (students are 18 months - 3 years) looking to get some advice from parents of children with special needs, specifically ASD. How did you react when your child was diagnosed? Did anyone broach the topic with you before you were ready to face it? Were you ever in denial about your child's disability, and if so, how did you overcome that? How do you wish the topic had been brought to your attention?

I'm not a parent myself, but I'd like to think that if I were, I would be grateful for an early diagnosis so that I could give my child the best possible chances for future success. I don't see disabilities as something to be ashamed of, and I think that helping your children live happy, healthy lives is far more important than your own pride or protecting yourself from whatever ignorant people might say to you... But then, I had a middle class, suburban upbringing, and that is definitely not the case with my students or their parents. I don't have a reputation to protect; they do.

Many of my students are first or only children, and all of them come from very privileged backgrounds - it's an expensive international school in Asia. If they don't have grandparents helping out at home, then they have nannies. It gets worse: we have "VIPs", students whose family members are CEOs, government officials, or good friends with the boss. I've had two VIPs in my class in the two years I've worked here, and in both cases they were (I believe) SN children.

The VIP boy currently in my class shows clear signs of having some sort of developmental disorder. I'm not an expert and can't diagnose him, but he's 2 1/2 years old and has trouble understanding basic instructions (come here, sit down, etc.) with or without accompanying gestures. The language ability he has shown so far consists of babbling and repetition with no real understanding. There is very little eye contact. He treats his classmates as if they're toys - pushing and pulling them out of curiosity, pulling fistfuls of hair, palming at their faces even around the eyes. He cannot sit still for more than a few seconds; he squirms in place whenever seated. And because he runs around so much, sometimes while carrying toys, I'm afraid he will trip and hurt himself or others. In fact, he has come to school on multiple occasions with cuts and scrapes from this very same problem at home. Most recently, he came in with a welt on his forehead the size of a tennis ball!

I have written to the parents twice, in the communication books we have for sending home school notices, about their son's inability to sit down. Their response? "Oh, yes, he's like that at home, too." "We've found that he can sit still for up to 15 minutes when he's with his grandmother." "We think he will get better very soon!"

My co-teacher has spoken and written to the parents about their child's lack of social skills. Their response? "He plays like that with the neighborhood children too." "He just doesn't have enough experience with other kids his age." "Give him time."

How can we get through to them that their child's behavior is not perfectly normal for his age? That he's not just a late bloomer?

[MeirAya]

OP, as his teacher you do need to work on your student' main learning needs, for this dc there are some issues which you must be used to dealing with when teaching the 18 month olds

1)trouble understanding basic instructions (come here, sit down, etc.) with or without accompanying gestures.

2)babbling and repetition with no real understanding

3)treats his classmates as if they're toys

Cannot sit still for more than a few seconds, runs around, may get hurt, hurting others seem to be your focus- tbh these are health and safety considerations that may need to be managed well, rather than 'taught'

[MeirAya]

the term "denial" is used to put down parents, minimise their experience and trump their stance with professional psychobabble Often true, sadly

And when you start asking for help after noticing some problem, you're liable to fall victim to the equal and opposite psychobabble

(over-anxious pushy helicopter parents who have probably impaired the dc, harmfully labelled them, and are now hampering the dc's budding independence to meet some buried psychological need of their own)

[Owllady]

I don't think it has anything to do with social class either! I think it's a natural response to a situation you have been given. I think we are all control freaks really and having children sort of softly softly introduces you to the fact that you are not in control. With a child who has additional needs that x 1000 all at once. Most of us deal with it, only a very small minority don't :) it doesn't matter who you are and where you come from

[Kleinzeit]

kmt180 Please don’t pre-judge based on social class. I’ve met a lot of other parents of kids with SN from a lot of backgrounds and I’ve seen all sorts of reactions. And also don’t pre-suppose how you would react, you haven’t been there so you really can’t know. How people think they ought to react and how they really feel are two different things. We all get there in the end but it takes time for most of us. This little boy is still very young and of course his parents want to think the best of him. And if his problems aren’t picked up right away then (if they’re as serious as you say) a school will pick up on them when he starts.

I can see you only want to help but the thing is, it really isn’t your job to “get through” to parents that their child is not “perfectly normal”. And you need to raise your concerns, especially your concerns about safety, with your boss, not with the parents. It is the nursery’s job to keep all the children safe. It’s not the end of the world if the nursery decide they can’t keep him. Another nursery may be better set up to cope, otherwise his parents can surely afford a nanny at home. Your professional responsibility is to alert management to the problem. Tell them about any “near misses” you’ve observed. What happens after that is their responsibility.

[MeirAya]

I read one of Maria Montessori's original books- she described the SEN and poor kids she first worked with as being easy to settle down once their needs were met.

She had very major difficulties with this sort of behaviour when she opened her first children's house in a well-to-do area, whatever she did with them. Maybe VIP status isn't good for some kids

[MeirAya]

You don't necessarily need to get through to them that their child's behavior is not perfectly normal for his age? That he's not just a late bloomer to highlight an area where extra help is needed, and to show how you and your colleagues propose to manage this issue.

If grandma can do it, school might need to learn from her and then replicate whatever she's doing- do you think the parents might be open to having that discussion?

[MeirAya]

Sorry late back to thread

'do something' meaning bbkl type stuff, not stomp all over the parents. But if someone is the only honest professional in a school full of compliant yes-sir types who don't want to risk upsetting the VIP parents with their VIP school fees and influence, then to gently and tactfully try to improve a childs situation is needed

[blaeberry]

Dh nephew is 'quirky' but I would say aspergers (as would his mum). He has found far more acceptance in his selective private school than he did in the state system where he was bullied for not fitting into the 'norm'.

[Owllady]

These professionals think we are bloody robots

[Owllady]

God it really bloody annoys me when we are labelled as in denial and ashamed of our children
Ffs
It's confusing and upsetting for parents in the early days AND THAT'S COMPLETELY NORMAL AND EXPECTED

[Toffeelatteplease]

Ime I have found that class and background can have a massive impact on acceptance. Especially if the family is from the frame of mind that every child goes to this prep, that boarding and a good solid profession. Suddenly that whole future dissappears.

Also if parents view themselves as massively successful only to found they have no idea how to manage their own child.

I wouldn't say denial was that uncommon either. Knowing something isn't right doesn't necessarily mean that you don't go into denial while you work it out or recognise the severity of the SN. I was fortunate in that I was capable of taking 6 months out to thoroughly work it out.

If the mortgage needs two incomes and you can't take time out it can be that much harder

[hello573]

Having a special child myself, I realised relatively early on that he was special (3rd child).

I was very concerned about him going to Nursery at age 3 despite being 0.5 yrs older than my other two when going....

The nursery openly thought his delays were due to third child, baby of the family and Me! Thought a few months with them would change everything! Within a few months of attending nursery they were already preparing me for him not being able to attend school when he should (1.5 yrs later)....

While I knew my ds was different from my other two, their guidance made me realise he wasn't just delayed but special. It was still very hard for me to accept.... still is to this day! But! Without their guidance, I wouldn't have sought the additional help to get him another year at Nursery, and additional support during that year....

My family background is middle class and, without being arrogant, we are all very academic. I think anyone with a background like that would and will struggle with accepting they have a child that is special. However, if you can lead them to that understanding, they will be a force to be reckoned with to do anything within their power to help their child! imo, and circumstance!

[MeirAya]

If you really, really think the child needs extra support and that the school will seriously fail him and his family by wishy-washy tiptoing around the issues, then it's reasonable to 'do' something.