what do you do with things like this ?

[thriftychic]

sorry if this is a bit trivial but would really like to know how other people deal with similar situations .
ds2 (AS) wanted me to write him a note for PE this morning , to make up some reason why he cant do it . we have had this alot . I talked to him about what he dislikes about PE and he says that he basically just doesnt want to do it because theres no point to it . He cant be bothered getting changed , to play a bit of football that he doesnt particualrly enjoy , to get changed back again . He doesnt have any problems with dressing or undressing and isnt too bad at football.
I explained that i didnt want to lie to the teacher and that its not a solution . I said i would ring school let them know he hasnt taken his kit and that there is a problem which needs to be discussed .
He is not happy with me and has left the house saying he might not even go to school and that i dont care about him .
He just can never see that sometimes in life we have to do things we dont want to and his answer is always that he is not doing what he doesnt want / like . its one thing after another . His way or no way .
I am assuming this is all part of having aspergers but what do i do about it ? Am i making things worse trying to make him do things and face up to things he doesnt like ? or would it be worse to keep arranging things to suit him ? If there was something he found really distressing about PE i wouldnt hesitate to insist school find him something else to do but it really does always seem to be that he thinks he shouldnt have to make the slightest effort , that life should always be super easy .
he is 14 btw so maybe a bit older than a lot on here
any advice appreciated

[claw2]

The biggest thing I have found with ds to get him to open up a bit to me, is I firstly have to acknowledge how he is feeling, if I don't he gets very angry and I get 'you don't understand' 'you don't know how it feels' etc.

If I or anyone else try to minimise or dismiss his feelings with natural comments such as 'oh im sure its not that bad' or 'of course you don't want to die' etc, he will clam up and not talk to me.

I always have to start with things such as 'I can see you are upset' or 'I understand that must be frustrating for you' or 'I know you find it difficult' etc, etc.

[thriftychic]

ye, i agree claw always better to approach like that . i recently learnt that from the book polter recommended . just not entirely mastered it yet !
and now , here is why i get so confused , ds2 has just come downstairs dressed in uniform and said hes going in to school . He wouldnt say anymore to me than that and left the house . ive phoned school to let them know just in case he doesnt turn up.

[claw2]

Maybe he just needs a bit of time to process what you have said to him?

With regards to the PE, I think you are right to say you wont write and tell lies.

Do you think it is just a case of he cant be bothered? or do you think he just cant express or doesn't actually know the reasons he finds it difficult?

Does your ds mind wearing shorts and t-shirts? is he very sensory? Does he mind getting changed in front of others?

Does he like to know what to expect?

I remember you saying one of the reasons for his melt down and reason he was excluded, was he has difficulty understanding instructions/explanations, could it be the same for PE?

Do you think he could have difficulties with some coordination or following reciprocal motor skills or subtle fine motor etc?

[thriftychic]

Hi,
well, had a bad night last night with ds2 . i told him off for something and things spiralled downwards. He was absolutely sobbing about how crap he thinks he is , how he knows he makes all the wrong choices , is horrible to me and cant be bothered at school or with anything he doesnt like and that he just cant seem to make himself behave etc etc etc . tbh it was awful especially as he kept saying that he doesnt deserve a mum as nice as me . i am quite worried about his mental health , some of the things he was saying were truly heartbreaking

This morning , he wouldnt get out of bed for ages , i kept trying to cajole him into going to school to no avail. i gave up by about 10am . then at 12 , he decided to go in.
I have phoned camhs this morning and asked for an appointment . Then i phoned ipsea (phoned a few times before but not got through) They were very good . I have written a letter asking for a meeting with either the head or assistant head and the senco at school . I have asked them to consider what constructive adjustments they can offer ds2 and i am going to ask them at the meeting to arrange the additional needs service to assess ds2 but to get it in writing that they will only intervene in a way that ds2 doesnt know about , at least in the first instance .
I have also written another letter asking for ds2 school records .

I am going to hand them in myself to school tomorrow.

[thriftychic]

i hope i get somewhere , ds2 has just arrived home telling me that he has been sat outside the geography room with a test paper to work on that he has no idea how to do . when he told the teacher hes been absent she wasnt any help he says . apparantly sat there the whole time doing nothing with it
no wonder he cant see the point of school !
just tried phoning this teacher as i am aware that ds2 version may not be quite right ! but , shes gone home . hey ho

[thriftychic]

unfortunately ds wont engage with camhs at all . they said last time they were happy to see me but they wouldnt see him again until he was willing . i will try to convince him otherwise in the meantime but not very hopeful !