So so hurt

[Broodymomma]

My ds age 6 has spd and suspected ADHD being assessed at the moment. He had a massive meltdown at my mothers house yesterday after she started winding him up and pretending to keep his bear.

Cut a long story short I just received the most vile email from her telling me she blames me for all his issues and I can't blame so called ADHD when it is my poor parenting that has caused him to be the awful child he is. She feels so sorry for him as its all my fault he is the way he is as apparently he is a million times worse in my presence. I could go on but it was several paragraphs of the same awful comments I am so hurt and stunned at some of the things she has said to me I don't even know what to do or say. Especially when she caused the bloody meltdown yesterday.

Apparently because of me the teachers will think I'm a awful parent and I have a bad attitude and he will end of being held back because of me.

Where we go from here I just don't know as I feel completely broken by what she has said and some of the things though I take on board I don't think I could ever forgive her for.

Today for other reasons was the second most special day of my life which she knew and yet she chose today to piss all over by her nasty vile comments.

I have tried to educate her on spd but she is not interested. So hurt I just need to vent. I don't even know how to respond.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

I imagine it is hard not being able to share your new joy with your mother and have her meet your new baby but honestly, don't give her the chance to spoil it. She is responsible for her actions and she has gone WAY too far.

I removed my mother from my life for a short while and it hurt, and then each day it seemed to hurt less. By a fortnight it really wasn't all that raw or painful anymore and I could have continued that way but for the fact that I arranged a counselling sessions for me and one of my siblings and she agreed to come.

It wasn't a great day of counselling but that she came meant she was trying a bit which was something.
I have learnt that our self esteem can be tied a little to what we know our mothers think of us, as they brought us up and for a substantial amount of our lives we attempted to please them. That she is displeased with you must be pretty destructive to your self-confidence regardless of how unfounded it is.

Her behaviour towards you is exceptionally cruel and I suggest you put some time and distance between you.

[Broodymomma]

Thanks everyone, it's hard in life to find people who understand the challenges that we face with parenting our special children. It's hard to make people understand that punishing then does not change the issues a spd child faces.

Anyway for now I think my course of action Is to continue to ignore the email, in my mind in does not deserve a response I will not lower myself. I will rightly focus this next few weeks on us binding with our new son and supporting ds1 through the transition. What comes after I don't know. I can't see my father without her being involved due to his condition but that's another issue I have to face that to spend time with him it has to involve her and right now I'm not comfortable with seeing her or communicating in any way whilst my focus has to be elsewhere.

I just don't understand how she could do this to me. The words she put in print can never ever be taken back. In it she literally said all she cares about is my ds and she blames me for the issues he has. How can I ever feel comfortable around her again?

[Broodymomma]

Starlight you hit the nail on the head there, I have spent all my life trying to please her. She has alienated everyone around her. She was sick for a long time and I was literally 7 days off donating her my kidney 6 months ago when she got one through the normal route at the final hour. We agreed to this knowing we wound have to delay the adoption by a year but I wound have done anything to help her. Now she has her second chance and the week she gets her second grandchild she does this. I just don't get it.

[Firsttimer7259]

You have a toxic parent - and yes they like striking when you are vulnerable or when they feel you need taking down a peg. Have a look at the 'stately homes' thread and google narcissistic personality disorder you may find the scales fall from your eyes. I think my F has NPD and altho I knew this (sort of) I tried to deal with it as best I could before DD, adding special needs to the mix led to us going no contact because I just couldnt stand it anymore. Im not saying your mum is as horrid and self centered as my dad but she might be in which case you need to understand that you will never convince or please her and that your SN child is a stick she will use to beat you with when the fancy takes her. Its not actually about you at all - but it hurts!

None of what she says is true, you need to wedge that v v firmly in your mind, you also need to wedge firmly in your mind that she is not a person to go to with concerns and worries, find someone else for advice and support even if she gives you a bit ehre and there she will use it to hurt you on another occassion. You wont persuade her of your point of view - the only side she's on is her own.

Sorry it was incredibly mean and nasty to come at you with a long letter like that and spiteful to do it on a special day.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

Of course, as we grow up we measure ourselves and our behaviour according to the feedback we get from our primary caregiver, usually mother.

There are lots of books out there on this and also on how to help yourself cope with it.

It seems to be a Western thing and probably routed in our culture. It's entirely possible your mother is like she is because of the way she was herself mothered but that is for her to deal with, not you.

But honestly, my mother suddenly looked like a saint when I read your last post.

What she said isn't true, and even if it were she'd fulfil the definition of a terrible mother to be writing that instead of supporting and helping you, so either way she loses.

It's just very very hard to cope with wanting approval from your mother so badly and being let down so atrociously. I imagine you still want her to be proud of you, your achievements and your family, but you can't control her. She must chose her own path, and face the consequences of her actions without your protection from them or your playing them down. Should she chose a different course of action then by all means welcome her back.

[Broodymomma]

Thank you all for your advice and sharing your own stories. My mum has maid no attempt to contact me since the email and I don't intend to contact her or be put on any form of misplaced guilt trip.

I just know ds1 will never be understood by her and I will always be blamed for his condition. I dread to think how ds2 will be treated knowing he is coming with issues due to his past. I have known for a long time I can't rely on her for any kind of emotional support and I could never trust her again or feel comfortable in her company. I would panic everytime either ds dared to do or say anything she disliked.

So what the future holds I don't know all i do know is she has caused this and can only blame herself when she realises I am not going to bow down and accept what she has done.

It has made me realise more than ever what kind of mother i am and that is a million times better than she ever was or could be.

[MariaBoredOfLurking]

mother started winding him up and pretending to keep his bear

chose today to piss all over by her nasty vile comments

Has she been like this before?
If it's genuinely new, maybe she has dementia too, or some other illness. People can sometimes go totally crackers on steroids and transplant drugs

If she's always been like this, but less overtly, buy a very large bargepole and be very glad that you kept your kidney, as she doesn't deserve it

so sorry

[MariaBoredOfLurking]

PS Congratulations

[Broodymomma]

Yes she has always been like this my whole life. It's not just with me she has alienated pretty much everyone from her life.

Thank you thank you thank you for the congratulations that means the world to me. I have the most gorgeous little boy just about to join us and that's what matters right now time to remember this is as happy time and put the smile back on my face. His big brother is so excited. I worry about how much ds has been through and the change that is about to hit him just sad all this crap is going on in the background. Started maternity leave yesterday so time to think of my boys and nothing else. It is hard. I still have the email on my phone don't know wether to keep it to remind me what a utter bitch she has been or to delete.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

Can you print it out, file it and then delete it? You don't want that message in your pocket every day.

Congratulations on your new family member. Your ds will benefit enormously from the addition even though he'll take some time to adjust, as I have no doubt, will the new little person.

Wishing you all well.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

doh, I meant the new little person will benefit, not adjust.

I'm grammatically-challenged btw............

[Firsttimer7259]

I love the thought of your adopted son soon to join your family. Congratulations and huge kudos for getting thru the stringent assessment for adoption - thats a real badge of honour as a parent.

We are v concerned about ever trying for another child given dd's sn and possible genetic factors and adoption is starting to be something I think about but its such a long process. Anyway it makes me happy to think of you adopting. Enjoy this time - you deserve to

[Broodymomma]

Thanks everyone. I can't believe it's finally here and we will be spending tomorrow meeting our new son officially. Had so many lovely texts and stuff but as yet nothing from my mother even acknowledging I'm now on mat leave or that we meet him tomorrow. She has missed so much already what a stupid stupid woman. I just wish it did not hurt and I could just shrug it off. She does not deserve to be dominating so many of my thoughts at this time but still so hurt and with each day that passes i think it will be harder for me to ever talk to her again.

[Levantine]

She sounds unbearable. I'm so sorry. What I would do in your position is just to quietly drop contact for a while. And extend that while for a long time. You don't need to be confrontational about it but she clearly isn't someone you want in your life right now. Keep her away from you and protect yourself. Huge congratulations on ds2! Xx

[StarlightMcKenzie]

'with each day that passes i think it will be harder for me to ever talk to her again.'

My experience is that with each day that passes it is EASIER to never talk to her again. The detachment brings perspective, objectivity and a new free you.

Good luck tomorrow. I hope it is a day to remember for the very best reasons. You must be brimming over with excitement. I am, and I don't even know you. Silly silly mother you have.

[MariaNoMoreLurking]

She has missed so much already, what a stupid stupid woman

This. You are protecting yourself and your lovely little family from her stupidity, you will do so for as long as there is breath in your body, but you can still be sad and grieve for the mother/gran she would otherwise be, if she could let go of the harmful, foolish nastiness tangling her up.