Do children with ASD or similar behaviours get easier as they get older?

[sammythemummy]

I ask this after having a conversation with a friend of mine who has a 6yo dd with ASD. She said that her dd was a lot easier to manage when she was 3 as she could pick her up after a meltdown, choose things for her (i.e clothes/toys) but now that shes a bit older, dd has a big say in a lot of things so everything turns into a meltdown. This has obviously scared me to death because Im finding my dd much much easier to handle now that her language and understanding is coming along, so I really hoped that as her language progressed, so would her behaviour. But feeling scared now!

So how are you dc in comparison to when they were younger?

[MariaNoMoreLurking]

Hi Heart.
I've heard good things about Littledown in Slough. They only do primary afaik, but should know which schools their y6 girls with ASD go on to. 'Berks' might not have shared all the 'Reading' schools and 'Slough' resources with you

[TUL105]

Heart, have you considered residential care? My friend had similar issues until she eventually gave in and sent her son to a specialist residential school.

As for the original poster, I'm sorry, but when your darling asd is good, the sun really does shine brightly. When its a bad day though, those clouds are very dark. However you learn to manage the bad times. I have learned the art of distraction. If my ds(8) gets angry and I don't distract him quickly, it will escalate into violence. He is beautiful most of the time, but lately he has become destructo again and we have to follow him around. We simply cannot leave him alone! I am working on physical exercises we can do, to help him burn energy. I have made a conscious decision to let the detailed housework slide and just do the basics daily, getting him involved. I do tell him off when he is mean to me. I remind him that he doesn't like being hurt physically or by names, but on the whole, I have found he is very good. I think implementing a 30 minute chill when we get home from school has been really successful in preventing major meltdowns too. Hugs hon because asds are so special x

[TimidLivid]

Heart101 my son same age is at spark of genius residential school chain in scotland. They live in little lodges cottages and go to school separately and come home at weekends and holiday if not a full placement my son stay during holidays too as has deteriorated. It is so hard I know my son has some of the same issues can be agressive and absconds. And we were having police returning him home when he would run off from us a lot and put himself in danger. Some kids there are from england. May be too far from where u are but if any questions can ask me or pm me. To op I found after twelve years old to be the worst and son would attack us. But was lovely baby and eloquent sensitive child when not in meltdown.

[sickofsocalledexperts]

I have heard good things about Hassocks schools.

Would the GP or Camhs not give her some medication (prozac?) and/or some CBT "talking " therapy?

I would email your mp just what you have written here, you need some muscle on your side.

How vile her bullies were!

The SoS-Sen or Ipsea websites might help too?

Tell her that self harming just means she is hurting herself like the bullies did, she must be kind to herself. They are terrible people!

[heart101]

please help I have 14 yr old daughter recently diagnosed, asd. She self harms which result in many trips ae after cahms told me if she is in melt down and bolts call police take her ae, but we wait hours then sent home. The police are annoyed that cahms would tell me this. education statement done but cant find high functioning special school in Berkshire, the education dept want her continue home school get cats team involved until I find something, she doesn't meet criteria for lld team or direct payments, she went through main stream until 11 months ago when finally she couldn't take the physical, mental or racial bullying anymore. feeling concerned by all services as she is socially isolated due to post traumatic stress, co morbid depression and asd. please advice me as im heartbroken and only want the best. have been advised to find independent residential mon to fri and she come home weekend as they have 24 hour care and help her rebuild her life. we feel so alone.

[pumpkinsweetie]

*7m pregnant

[pumpkinsweetie]

I agree with your friend too, sadly.
My dd turned 5yo in august and physically picking her up now and carrying her isn't possible and when she runs off after a melltdown my only option is to chase her until i finally catch up, with being 7m it isn't easy.

Her behaviours imo are actually worse than ever and getting through the day with minimal to no meltdowns is a feat, it doesn't happen often

I noticed something when she was 2 but i have only recently in july applied for a statement but i now Know she has autism and anyone that knows her has actually said they agree with me wholeheartidly and even friends have admitted they don't know how i have coped.

When she was 3 it was easier, she was transportable in a buggy and if she ran off i could scoop her up and carry her, same with a meltdown. Now she is heavier, bigger and her meltdowns can lead to her kicking and punching me, with shoes on it really does hurt and it's hard to control her now, it's out of my hands and most days when she does this she is off in a world of her own and trying to get eye contact whilst she thrashes around is awful.

I personally think it's easier when they are smaller

[Ilisten2theradio]

Lots has changed!
It is much easier to communicate and reason with DS now so that he understands. Part of that is due to my increased knowledge of how to deal with things (thanks to books and valuable ideas from all on MNSN ), and partly due to his growing up and maturing (albeit at a different rate to his peers).
So far I have not had the urge to be able to pick him up and carry him away from situations lately ( at 12 and almost as tall as me that would be difficult) thank heavens, as I can hiss at him very effectively in public that he is and deal with it all later.It has taken time to get there and sometimes its more difficult than others.
Its true that the differences seemed greater the more he got older, but since he started high school and has made some good like minded friends, it has not seemed so much of a problem.

The sensory stuff has modulated so that he can cope while out for longer now as long as we know to give him space to wind down and recoup later.

Ds does not really have much in the way of meltdowns as such now, he either shouts very loudly or withdraws. he is learning socially acceptable ways to deal at school and then telling us about it at home so that we can deal as appropriate. Its great progress!!!!!!

As you can see from all the responses here , they are all so different that you can't second guess where you will be in 10 years time.
All you can do now is deal with problems as the arise, and your knowledge of how best to deal with your DD will increase and hopefully you can learn to avoid/minimise the triggers that lead to meltdowns.

[magso]

That's true although thinking ahead to get suitable support in place can save stress later on.
My ds (who has ASD,ADHD with SLD) started MS school without support having been turned down for a statement. I wish I had known that the system is not geared up to support our children (professionals procrastinate) and that I could have applied for the statement myself ( I was wiser the following year and did). Attending specific courses (preferable those other parents with similar children have found valuable), and lining up medical support ( eg OT SALT if needed) earlier can help you be on top of the new challenges as they come along.
So it is best to prepare but not to worry. Your friend with the 6 year old may be able to give pointers to help your child have a smoother ride.

[sammythemummy]

All very beneficial knowledge, so thank you.

I think I need to deal with problems as they arise and not think of future problems that may occur.

[claw2]

I have found the difficulties/differences have grown or become more obvious, however so has my knowledge and understanding of ds and asd.

[AmberLeaf]

Sammy I'm not sure re girls being better at coping with frustrations, I think its possible that they internalise them more? but then I think boys can do that too. I have read that girls are diagnosed less as they are better at hiding it/or mimicing NT behaviors.

I don't know though as I have all boys.

Some things get easier, but new challenges appear

Yes.

[coppertop]

The challenges have changed as mine have got older but I couldn't honestly say whether things are easier or not overall.

The sensory side of things has evened out a bit more as both boys have developed various coping strategies along the way.

The social side of things is much harder, not helped by the increase in 'group-work' required at school as they get older. Both would rather just get on and do their own work without the distraction of other people.

It's much easier to talk about particular issues and find out exactly what the problem is. When they were younger it was usually a case of trying to guess.

Only one of them still has meltdowns, but those mainly involve throwing things around in his own room.

It's a little easier to deal with them being awake half the night. One still gets upset at being unable to get to sleep, but the other just reads a book or does some drawing.

I think the actual behaviour is probably easier to deal with, but it feels as though society has moved its goalposts when I wasn't looking and now everyone seems to expect so much more of them.

[onlyjoking9329]

I think it changes as they grow older, I have to change my approach more often. Things are much better, as are my coping skills.
I have twin DDs who are 19 and DS who is 16, all have autism.
We've had a few difficult years, managing their differing needs, lack of family and general support and the illness and death of my DH.
One of the hardest things is managing the paperwork appointments isolation and care packages.
I have to say that adult services are much improved than child services.
Child services only improved once I made an official complaint and got our MP involved.

[magso]

The difficulties and challenges change. Some things get easier, but new challenges appear. I agree with Amberleaf. I sometimes think back to those early days when I could pick ds up (he's almost 14 so as tall as me now) - but no -we have all come a long way. I would not want to go back now. Once communication is up and running, learning to cope with demands (there are a lot of those once in school) is the next big thing. Ds has made a lot of progress over the years- but there is a marathon still to go!

[sammythemummy]

Thanks for the responses.

I appreciate your honest responses as they paint a picture of what to expect. Right now im at the blistful stage whereby if she gets upset she leaves the room and shuts the door to be on her own (incredibly funny at age 3) or she will throw whatever she has in her hand. But she always apologises for any outburts or will come and console you, i just hope she carries on dealing with things in this way (minus the throwing).

Do you think girls are better at coping with their frustrations?

[AmberLeaf]

Do you not find that violence subsides as they mature?

Depends. In some ways it is lessened because he has got better at communicating when he is frustrated. But he still gets frustrated! He also tends to hold it in longer, possibly because he is getting better at knowing what behavior is expected of him [at school for example] and then blow up later.

It's worse in a way because he is huge compared to when he was 4. He is capable of doing real damage to things and people. He is too big to be scooped up and removed.

I feel I have the skills of a hostage negotiator now! I have learned to spot the signs of an imminent blow up and try to defuse the situation as best I can before it gets too bad.

I don't want to sound like a harbinger of doom though, as I said you get better at dealing with this issue as you learn what the triggers can be and the things that help diffuse it.

It is still hard, but I have adjusted my expectations and the sort of things I feel I can do freely.

[Swanhilda]

Ds has Asperger's and tbh he was pretty easy as a small child, maybe a bit Opinionated about food and how to play, but sunny natured, calm, friendly. He is still sunny natured and friendly, but lashes out in ways he never did under the age of 7. I think it is anxiety about the world and how he is supposed to behave in certain situations, what is expected of him that creates tension. Tension he never felt as a young child.

So you could say with increased maturity and social awareness he has become more anxious and more difficult. Is that a good or a bad thing - I suppose it means he is becoming an independent thinker.

On the whole I would say he has become more difficult. But he is still lovely!

[sammythemummy]

Do you not find that violence subsides as they mature?

[mymatemax]

oh yes but the difference between him & the average 11 yr old is so much more obvious. xx

[AmberLeaf]

A mixture.

Easier in some ways but much harder in others.

Public expectations of him as a smaller child were much more forgiving of his behavior. members of the public would have judged as a naughty toddler when little, but now he is bigger people are much less tolerant.

My house has been damaged and yes sometimes it is intentional. He has thrown things at his brothers and me too. He has attacked his brothers.

The hardest part I find is how he sometimes feels about himself, it is heartbreaking to listen to.

He responds well to personal successes and praise and that can boost his self esteem But he is not very confident.

I will say though that I feel more equipped to deal with it all as time has passed.

On the plus side, he is bright and very interesting to talk to!

[mymatemax]

ds2 is so much easier in many ways.
Communication & language have improved so he is able to ask for things.
Toileting etc have all improved, sleep for the most part is better.
Tolerates some environments like supermarkets etc better.
I am able to leave him at school etc without the tears.
He has developed a lovely sense of humour which helps us to diffuse many situations.
BUT
I can no longer pick him up & lift him in to his w'chair or in to the car if he is refusing t go out.
He knows what we are saying & so we have to be much more careful what we say in front of him.
once he gets wind of something he can refuse & be very stubborn
More door slamming & stomping
He is eleven & I would say the last 12 months have seen a huge change & maturity in him that we never expected.

[ouryve]

DS2 used to be a plate thrower, sickof! I'd forgotten about that one.