Does anyone have a dc who refuses to have lunch at school?

[tacal]

Hello, my ds (4.9) started school a few weeks ago. Next week he goes full time so he is expected to have lunch at school. He will be having packed lunch and has had lots of practise opening his lunch bag, taking his lunch out and eating it. So I was not expecting there to be any lunch related problems.

Yesterday his class visited the rooms they will be eating their lunch in. One room for school lunch and one for packed lunch. Ds has now decided there is no way he can stay at school for lunch. I think it is something to do with the room and the amount of people that will be in it. The teacher tried to talk to him about it today at hometime and ds was clinging to me crying saying he will be going home for lunch. He then refused to walk home so I had to carry him. (He refuses to walk when anxious).

I am not sure what to do. Do I force him to stay for lunch or say to school I am taking him home. The school say they would prefer him to stay for lunch. But I am worried this will make ds very anxious and make him not want to go to school.

What would you do?

[tacal]

magso thank you for sharing your experience with me. I have been thinking how much it would affect me if ds came home for lunch every day. I would have to give up my volunteer work. My whole day would be planned around his lunch. I really hope he continues to stay in school for lunch. Thank you for the advice about reducing the days gradually if he does come home. You must be enjoying having lunchtimes to yourself now your ds is staying in school.

[claw2]

Tacal, things like visuals, anxiety score, home contact book etc are so easy to implement, cost very little, take up very little time. You would think it would be the easiest thing in the world to ask for. In my experience, if anxiety isn't recognised by school, then school don't see the point and wont.

Most new schools take the 'lets wait and see' approach and want to wait and cross that bridge IF and when they come to it. IF they are not recognising anxiety and have nothing in place to help them recognise it, they dont see it as a difficulty/problem and say things as simple as visuals etc are not needed.

Its a vicious circle. A new school might be your best option, just be clear what you want. With ds's new school, we are taking the 'wait and see' option, however ds does have a named TA, a home/contact book to monitor his behaviours and anxiety levels and regular meetings, so we can 'wait and see' what is needed/not needed.

[tacal]

claw2 I feel so happy. My ds is starting at a new school tomorrow!! I cant believe it. The school only had one place left and I feel so lucky to have got it for ds. We went to see the class teacher and depute head (senco) after school hours and I could not believe the difference to ds's current school. Everything about the school seems so much better and nicer. They have a visual timetable in place for all children, they are happy to do home contact book. They are providing support in playground and lunch hall. They were honest and say they are not perfect but at least they seem to understand what ds might need and are willing to provide some support. They are even going to prepare a social story about having to go in through a different door (because of the problem ds had this week at his current school). Ds seemed excited about the classroom but I do feel sorry for him having to go to a new school tomorrow not knowing anyone and going into a busy lunchhall. At least it is only one day this week. He doesnt even have the correct uniform so will have to try and sort all that over the weekend.

Did your ds start school today? How did he get on?

[claw2]

Well done Tacal, sounds promising and the fact they can admit they are not perfect and will work with you, I think is all parents want. Good luck today!

Yes ds started yesterday and all things considered it went well, thanks.

[Theycallmestacy]

Ds 9 really struggles with lunch, he has a packed lunch but he can't bear to see other people eating there dinners, particularly school dinners.

Instead of eating at the table in the dinner hall, he eats on a bench. He dislikes this though as other children ask him why he eats there and he can see food smeared onto the floor. Not sure what the alternative is, I asked about him eat in another room but was told no due to supervision.

[tacal]

thank you claw2 it went really, really well. DS stayed for a full day and went into the busy lunch hall no problem. He said school was fun and teacher fantastic. It is completely different to his other school. I am sure we will encounter problems along the way but it wont be the constant fighting I had with other school. I am so glad to hear that things went well with your ds. Did he manage to eat anything?

theycallmestacy I am not sure how you deal with this problem to be honest. From what others have said to me on here I think the school should be trying to make adjustments so that your ds can eat his lunch and not feel anxious about it. I wouldnt be happy with my ds having to eat his lunch on a bench and being able to see food on the floor. Can you arrange a meeting with someone at the school to discuss it again and ask them to come up with an altenative?

[claw2]

Tacal that is fantastic news!

Yesterday ds ate 2 slices of bread without butter at lunch time. Today his teacher wanted to have a word with me at pick up and told me that ds had been upset at lunchtime and was crying and hadn't eaten anything.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

DS ate 2 slices of bread?

Wow, I'd say well done ds!!!!

[claw2]

Star I got excited at nothing, he didn't actually eat the bread, he choose it, but didn't eat it. I should know better than to ask 'what did you have for lunch' by now! I should know to be very specific and have asked 'what did you eat for lunch!

[Ineedmorepatience]

Hi tacal I am coming to this really late but I am really glad you have found a better school for your Ds. We had a similar experience with Dd3 and we moved her in yr3. Her needs werent recognised at all at her old school and she was dragged off me kicking and screaming many times. She ate nothing and became an invisible mouse.

She has been in her lovely inclusive school for 2 years now and has thrived there, she eats school dinners!! and is gong away for the weekend with them in a couple of weeks. It hasnt taken a massive amount of support to achieve this, just good knowledge from many of the staff and understanding that she needs to be nurtured not tortured!

Good luck

[tacal]

claw2 awww I feel sad that you were excited about him eating 2 slices of bread then found out he didnt. It is early days. I hope he has a good weekend and is happy to go back to school on Monday.

Ineedmorepatience - it is really good to hear that your dd moved school and is now really happy and eating school dinners. It shows what a difference the right school can make. I really hope the same thing happens with my ds. I am still shocked that some people think it is acceptable to drag a small child away from their parent kicking and screaming. Especially when the parent is objecting! I cant get my head around how awful ds's old school was. I feel like I should make some sort of complaint but it would be a waste of time. Did your dd adjust to her new school quite quickly or did it take time?