MIL wants to celebrate important wedding anniversary with big family get together in antiques infested chintzy country hotel. This want work with madly active 2.5 YO DS will it?

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

We live abroad but will begoing back to Uk this summer for a few weeks and renting a family friendly apartment in London so we can see family and friends and manage DS n safe space,continue with routine etc. (DS NEEDS routine or turns impossible. Possible ASD issues, being investigated. Not good in social situations at all,we don't/can't do restaurants etc yet, bad sleeper etc).


MIL wants us all to attend big family get together at country hotel several hours away. Spindly antique tables with china vases of flowers at grab height. Piles of cushions and curtains to climb and pull. Breakables everywhere. All very exquisite and hair curlingly posh. Well heeled older people sipping sherry in quiet peace. Croquet on lawn. Fine dining with tablecloths and silver,mlnen, glassware etc.

DS is 2 now but I can't see him being any less prone to destruction, climbing, running about, letting off wild shrieks etc by the summer. WIBU to say sorry we just can't do this and please come over for a nice lunch with us instead where we can manage DS? Or maybe just send DH up for the meal and overnight gathering?

It's sad we won't see the whole family but I don't see how to manage it. And if its an evening meal DS will be in bed and one of us will have to stay up in rom with him missing the meal anyway.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

I am already worried sick about managing the flight to uk and staying in rented London accomodation. Only thought of seeing family and friends and city I miss so much is giving me push to attempt it. I don't think it will be easy but at least will be near friends in familiar city in flat I've checked out and chosen. This family weekend elsewhere was news to me and tbh I'm very daunted and nearly in tears at thought of it. Will ask dh to tell mil concerns re sn and extend London invite instead.

[bettydavis]

You very obviously don't want to do. Send your DH to his parents do, to spend time with his family. I think you would be very selfish to stop him going.

From the tone of your posts this seems more to do with your holiday and expectations and very little to do with your son and his behaviour

[MrsMcEnroe]

Good plan OP. I doubt that many of the posters on this thread have a child with SN so please don't let them make you feel worse than you already do.

Oh - and in time you will come to accept that ASD is not something to be ashamed of, although I appreciate that it is new and scary right now.

[MrsMcEnroe]

Oh FFS people, please read the OP and all updates properly - she has a son with SN, her DH isn't around much so she's coping on her own with horribly challenging behaviour and is frightened and worried - have some sympathy!!

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

I never ever fucking said I would stop DH from going, Jesus, RTFP some of you.
Thanks for support everyone else.
Think will ask to move to SN.

[bettydavis]

Sorry my post came across alot harsher than intended. I know how hard life is with a ASD child I have my own.

[Snazzynewyear]

OP, please find someone IRL as well as perhaps the SN discussions here to talk to about this as it is clearly really upsetting you and you need support. Maybe if you had that the situation would seem more manageable. I can see why you are daunted by yet another hurdle to get over in the trip but I really think you (meaning you and your DH as a unit) have to communicate about that to the ILs. I do wish you well with it as I don't like seeing posters as genuinely upset as you clearly are.

[Yfronts]

go but be prepared to take DS off the grounds for walks/park visits etc if needed.

[Yfronts]

Be honest with your MIL. Tell her about the issues

[Yfronts]

It maybe better for him/you if you don't go though. Would be awful if he found it really stressful

[BerthaTheBogCleaner]

I really don't get all this "its a family thing so you've got to go however awful it is, suck it up and go otherwise you are just evil".

The whole point of family is they are on your side, they love you and want the best for you. My family (well, the people I think of as my family, all on dh's side, they're the ones with the ability to accept that other people have feelings too) - my family would hate it if they thought I felt the way you do about a family gathering and came anyway. They'd expect me to speak up about it, and then they'd do their best to understand, and sympathise even if they didn't quite get it, and look for some compromise (like coming to see us in London mid-week).

I do think you might want to start drip-feeding a bit to MIL about your ds though. You don't have to mention any labels.

(Betty - I think it would be very selfish of the dh to go, and leave her with their ds in these circumstances)

[Me23]

I would dread doing this with my 23 month old he will not go into pushchair without screaming doesn't want to stay in high chair and would just wants to run around the whole time. Is that Asd? I thought he was just been a 'terrible' 2 year old!
However if it was a very important family occasion I would have to go albeit knowing I would hate every minute of it as would be so stressed trying to keep up with ds. Tbh I just thought that was normal with a toddler or is my ds not typical?

[YouBrokeMySmoulder]

Possibly the only place I would take him to would be a family gathering. Are you going to hide him away? You will have to go places and do things with him and yes I have personal experience of how hard it is but it has to be done.

You mitigate and plan for every eventuality and make a speedy exit but still communicate with your inlaws and move forward that way.

I would much rather have taken my dd to a family party for a couple of hours than 12 hours on a plane. That I dont understand at all.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

It's not a couple of hours family party. It's a weekend plus considerable travel time. The 12 hour flight I have no choice about if I ever want to see anyone who I love given that we live 12 hours from family and friends. It has taken me two years to even contemplate it. Once we land we had planned to make a base in a safe space and see family and friends on safe ground. Not large gatherings, not unfamiliar non child friendly places which are a nightmare to manage.

DH going to talk to MIL, mention DS is being assessed and extend London invite, plus offer to attend if party definitely going ahead in hotel. I would rather family not know yet of our concerns but the situation we are facing means little choice now. We remain happy to host MIL and FIL in London and to celebrate with them. We can only do what we can do.

Have asked to move to SN to continue wider repercussions of having to mention suspected ASD to wider family whom we do not see and how to manage the holiday and next few years.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Thanks for the posts,it has helped to talk/think it through.

[longjane]

staying in posh hotel with a active under 5

when he wake up
you get him up wash and dress
one of you get up with him
you take him out for a walk
other person get wash and dressed
you order
"breakfast in bed" (the night before)
come back from walk
eat breakfast
bring with you child breakfast if fussy eater
other parent gets wash and dressed
you have relaxing breakfast in room
you have to mostly leave hotel room in mornings so you all go out for morning/day
lunch
picnic either out and about on in hotel room
food bought from local shops or bought with you
if child need nap one parent stays with child
if child does not take child out

evening meal
if it is the big celebratory do
take child meal with you
or get child food to come 1st ask the waiter
feed child
take child for a walk if still active
take child up to bed
one parent goes up to bed with child and stays their
make sure there is food for adult in room
take ear phone so you can watch the telly
go sleep to

it wont be fun but can be done

do morning and afternoon walks with family member
get to know the other kids they might like playing with their cousin
ask the hotel if they room your child could run around in.
in the day time and early evening walk around the hotel

remember asd affect families not just one person so there will be other in family like your son
and the ones that dont understand will more than likely have it them selves

[Awomansworth]

From experience at a family thing very similar, albeit just one day, I spent the entire day trying to cope with ds (ASD) on my own whilst dh was with other ds. At home and familiar places I'm more than capable, but the change was too much for him, even though we had prepared him as best we could.

I spoke with family about my concerns before we agreed to go and was assured there would be plenty of family there to help... well this didn't materialise and it was a very tough day (as I knew it would be.)

[EllenJaneisstillnotmyname]

Trucks, you are in MNSN now, welcome.

Weekend sounds hellish, but without the possible ASD/ADHD I would say you would have to go to this event. I do think it's time to broach the subject with your family. Families can be odd about SN, sometimes they just won't believe it and feel like it's a reflection on them, somehow. What are PIL like? Generally supportive and open? They will be upset, I guess. You don't have to be too specific, you can use terms like, speech delay, awaiting assessment by a developmental paed, etc without giving them terms to google, like possible ASD, or ADHD, (which many of the older generation don't believe anyway.)

At your DS's age my DS2 wasn't DXed, (he was DXed at 3.5 with ASD) I was in denial, and I would have taken him to the function and hated every minute.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Thank you for the welcome :) glad am here.

The thing is, about showing/telling them,I'd rather do it face to face and in private not at a family gathering where everyone will want to relax and enjoy themselves.

It's also the fact that DS will likely be at his worst with a crowd of new people.
He will accept new faces when introduced slowly in his home.
He cries and covers his face when strangers talk to him or try to touch him.
It would be distressing for him and for the family to see him flinch and cry and blank them and tantrum and try to get away from their well meaning kisses and chat.

It would thus be very distressing for us and for them.
It would mar the whole event and all for what? Everyone would talk about it and be anxious, even if kind and no judgmental. I can't think how anyone would want to introduce subject of SN in this way to whole family at once.


I'm unsure as to whether the posters on parenting forum understood that. Or whether they understood just how anxious I am about the whole holiday and taking DS out of his home and the flight etc, and how much I desperately need a break, not additional stress. I have ASD tendencies myself and get terribly anxious in social performing situations; I can cope on my own but seeing DS distress just annihilates me.

[EllenJaneisstillnotmyname]

Oh God, with the possible ASD I wouldn't go! I meant unless you explain beforehand to PIL, without them knowing about the circumstances, you wouldn't have an excuse. So broach the subject gently and stay put in London.

[NoHaudinMaWheest]

Trucks welcome. This is such a difficult situation for you in so many ways.

When Ds was 2.5 Bil organised posh hotel weekend for Mil's 65th birthday. Ds has ASD though we didn't know until much later. His behaviour was quieter than your Ds's sounds but it was still very difficult and I did get Dh to suggest to his brother that it was not suitable for a toddler but it fell on deaf ears. I really struggled and this was only 2hours away from home and DS did at least know some of the people there.

Coming to London is going to be stressful enough - I really get that. I also get that you need a break. Handling a child with SNs virtually alone for 2 years without knowing exactly what you are facing is extremely hard work.
I think it is likely that PIL will be upset if you don't explain about the suspected ASD but can see why you don't want to do it at a distance. I'm not sure that you have much option now though but I think that you have realised that yourself.

You can always come back here for support with the fallout. We always have virtually hugs and shoulders to cry on.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Thank you all once again.
Good news. Mil now happy to come to London. Can see how high needs toddler would be tricky and FIL recovering from op, needs peace. Bigger discussion about Ds can happen later. Dh has simply said he's being assessed, MIL agrees good idea to know early, best settle ds after long flight and meet him when he's happy and settled.

Thank God. Oh, thank God.

[PrinceRogersNelson]

Well done. It must be a huge relief.

We recently did a flight from Uk to Australia with our DD who has special needs. In a confined, stressful place she is likely to run, screech, go floppy etc.

We went to the chemist and got some phernergan (sp?) essentially an anti histamine that can also be a sedative. Best decision. She was either asleep or relaxed watching tv. So much less stressful for her, us and the other passengers. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but thought I'd mention it.

Have a great holiday. :)