Well if it isn't being made explicit to you that changes in the individual will only come about if changes are made in the environment (and remember that changes in the behaviour of others greatly form that environment) that's rather concerning. In that case what is being practiced is not ABA but random attempts at behaviour modification with no reference to the huge body of research that demonstrates how best to achieve what we want.
Those who possess good language skills are at an enormous advantage of course because you can use language to explain behaviour that is rule governed. Thus a simple example of rule governed behaviour woulod apply to getting up in the morning. I find it hard to rise early but do so because my boss has explained to me that if I get to work late, I wll get the sack.
However, a non verbal child with a severe learnnig disability is not going to stop self harming because we ask him nicely to by pointing out that he is hurting himself physically and distressing his family! We then have to look at what contingencies are at play. He might be doing it for attentino because when he does, people rush to his side. Or to avoid tasks as demands then stop. Or to express distress at excess noise. In all cases, we have to change our behaviour and the environment and then he will change. It wil take time and patience and discipline but that is what we are paid to do.
So for more able children ,there is going to be a balance of rule governed behaviour (explainig what is and isn't socially acceptable) in addition to environmental changes. It's not about blaming the child-nothing could be further from what ABA is about. We aren't surgically excising undsirable behaviour. We are changing what it is we all do to set in train a series of steps that will help him.
My dh knows that nothing stresses me more, when I come in from a long day, driving from school to school and talknig to scores of people than him tackling me straight away on domestic issues. I need to have at least 30 mins. decompression. This used to irritate him beyond belief and we woudl then have huge rows over my perceived 'lack of interest; in domestic issues but I led him to understand that a tweak in his behaviour (ie leaving me for 30 mins.) would bring about a dramatic one in mine (ie taking an interest in what the electrician said or the credit card bill).