My 8 year old son has recently had his diagnosis of AS. He's borderline (on the scores) bright academically, but really struggles with groups and friendships at school. He hasn't been aggressive in the past, but unfortunately is just now starting to get more confrontational, (sadly, with the one and only NT child who has so far really tried to be his friend)....so seems hellbent on spoiling his own chances socially at the moment. He's worked out that he himself has special needs, but we haven't yet told him the terminology, or technically 'broken the news' to him....So, first of all, it would be so helpful to hear of some other's experience on the positives/negatives of any disclosure of his diagnosis, to a child of that age...eg: any lessons learnt? etc. (Any regrets or wishes about telling him/ not telling him/ telling him at wrong time etc? ISWIM).
Secondly I'm sure some other Mums and kids in his class must know/suspect that he isn't quite as other kids are....Do they need to know? If so, what exactly do they need to know? and might their 'knowing' just actually make things harder in practice for DS? eg. some kids might use it as a new way to tease or bully him in the playground. I can't make up my mind whether it's better to keep him in the dark for the time being, (as he is so young -of course he must know when he's more ready for it), or whether it will help him to know anyway sooner rather than later. His teacher and SENCO say don't tell him yet, but it makes life harder for me also with other Mums at the school gate wio can sense something isn't 'right' but I don't feel free to be open about it with them. Any wisdom gratefully received....
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.
SN children
Asperger's: to disclose or not to disclose? and if so, to whom? and how?and when?.....
phoebus · 15/05/2012 14:48
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Hi again, good to read some more posts on this. Sorry, here goes with another long post....but it helps to put it all down....
I've found that hearing all your experiences has actually helped to crystallize my thinking on this quite considerably (very useful, as DH is actually all for completely covering up / not telling a soul - no, not even DS! - about the dx, which I find not at all helpful). I had a bit of a heart to heart chat with the Mum of DS's little 'friend/enemy' this morning, to try to help sort out their issues, and found that I had no real option but to let her know that DS has now been officially recognised as having a 'special need' (I'm still downplaying the actual terminology of it all, for the time being, for a number of reasons which I don't have time or place to go into here...) This situation compelled me to, really, for the sake of her poor young lad, who has been struggling hard to interact with DC and is feeling baffled and upset by what's been going on, and by what he's been getting back from DS recently. (And little wonder: hell, I've been going round the houses for the last 5 years doing pretty intensive research into AS, with DS's best interests at heart, and there are still times when even I struggle to get my head around it all 
- no surprise really that all the happily neurotypical community out there need some gentle introduction to/educating about AS - by us!) The other Mum was very sweet, and I think she needed to know from me what she must have already suspected, ie. that it isn't a level playing field for DS, and her young lad may have got unstuck trying to fix the unfixable with him, IYSWIM. I also told her that it's a physical (neurobiological) difference in the brain, hence an invisible disability which makes it so much harder for others to deal with.
All the helpful posters on here who have given me info about when you told your DCs their dx, etc, have further encouraged me (later today) finally to sit DS down and spend a little time talking to him about why and how he is different - as all this seems to me to be pointing towards a modest amount of disclosure to him right now - I'm now feeling he now NEEDS, and deserves, to have a bit more explanation, not just another lecture about acceptable behaviour. Basically elicited responses from him and focused a lot first on what his brain is so good at (academically better than most of his peers) and other positives which have recently come with his specal needs, eg. the red stamp on his hand at Legoland which helped us jump the queues there and have a much better time...) Then we talked about his main areas of struggle (friends, groups, playground, how to play with others). I explained that his 'special brain' does some things extra well and other things much less well, but that he could still learn most things, it would just be harder for him and take him longer. I explained that the current friendship crisis was not DC's 'fault' nor friend's 'fault' but the 'fault' of the 'different bit' of his Special Brain. This seemed to make sense to him...hope I said the right things!! Then I gave him the All Cats Have Asperger's book to look at on his own; after 10 mins he came to me and said, 'I've read it all, that's like me'. I've got another book called 'My Autism Heroes' which I'll give to him soon (again to focus on the positives). I've told him to keep this to himself at the moment, he doesn't need to tell his peers, but now he knows the reasons for his problems. He looked happier and more relaxed, gave me a big kiss, taken it in his stride apparently; and then just wanted to go on the computer! - similar to your DC, cozzie! Good luck PissyDust, sorry to say, it is indeed a long road to dx, but there's lots of support on here. ( And did you know that there is actually some ongoing research into possible future rapid diagnosis of ASD, via MRI brain scanning? not yet up and running for children, but could be... Just imagine going in, to one place, then coming out 30 mins later with a diagnosis and actual hard evidence???? - if only already available! (see my first posts, of last year).
fingers crossed now, things might start to improve a bit at school...though it's still early days and I still feel as if walking on eggshells.... BTW, a few months ago the SENCO told me that doing a 'circle of friends' ( ?) thingy with the whole class was a possibility. Not something I've any experience of, and at the time the feeling was that it didn't quite seem the right approach for DS as (then!) he was keeping a lower profile and the others just seemed to flow around him and accept him (though not play with him really) - he's luckily in a nice class. But now I'm wondering about that approach. Is it any good? any downsides/upsides etc? does it single the AS kid out unhelpfully, or does it really help get the rest of the class more on his side?
Ben10 your mention of an Autism Outreach input sounded intriguing. I don't know about them yet: do they travel to a school on request? and I presume there's a cost involved, to be met by whom, I wonder?
Thanks very much for this 
you seem to be well up to date and have a huge fund of knowledge and experience in this area Ben10.
That's OK. I'm on long term sick so I have all day to read all the great posts from everyone else 
. I don't know how I'll fit work in when I am well enough to go back
Yes, being quite new to Mumsnet myself, I am finding it increasingly addictive, and could (do) spend hours on it sometimes....so everything else I ought to be doing gets neglected!! But I can consider much of it as 'work', as people have been so helpful and have given me plenty of great advice and ideas when they've been needed. BTW I have today managed to contact a local agency re: Autism Outreach provision in our area so hopefully will be finding out more about that now.
Get well soon...or maybe that should be 'get well but not quite well enough to rush back into work too soon....'
Hi again, tx Pom, your son is same age as mine then....
Just for info: DS came home from school today (following our First Big Serious Disclosure Chat y'day about his Special Needs): he had a really good day, actually joined in PE (!
) had no cries - and seemed to get on OK again with ex-friend/enemy/??friend-again, who now seems a little bit mollified after strenuous efforts on my our part....Despite my counselling DS to take it slowly (over revealing all to his peers), he announced: 'I told X that I had special needs, and he said that I didn't'!!
Well, no one ever said this would be simple, I suppose.......
Yes PissyDust that's probably the very next thing that DS will do!!!
cozzie by the way I wanted to say that my DS is ALSO fascinated by the TV schedules, and also programme ratings - and has been for ages - spooky eh? (He even wrote out some for our own family along the lines of:
'Mum, Dad and DS': 18 certificate: some swearing, mild violence and nudity (in the bath). PMSL.....)
Yes they can come out with some real howlers at times, can't they!
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