Confused, worried about way first day went

[coff33pot]

Well DS started yr 2 today after being home from school for weeks until they put a plan, timetable and sought advice from a SS teacher. He had 3 weeks total working great to a structured routine part time. Still slight hiccups but no major melts or exclusions. He is 1 to 1 and the majority of his work is done separate to his class with the occaisional inclusion in carpet time, registration, story time.

So methinks. New teach who he never met apart from a distance and favourite TA doing a disapearing act. DS on the way forgets me breaking the news to him re TA all summer (school chickened on this one) so I had to repeat on the way this morning whilst he was worrying walking out in bad weather (fear of wind thinks they are tornados)

We arrive amongst all the newbies to school and all the bussle. DS was unsure and noticed the library and ran in there and calmly said I wait here. I waited....no usual TA arrives. Eventually hall thinned out and it went quiet so I suggested we hunt down new TA to DS and his new class (which he was never shown) He agreed with me in tow. He was bussled in by the TA who said coat off, there is your peg, whats in your bag, thats good for swimming, say goodbye to mum........DS just stood there (he needs single commands) I gently tell him one by one what to do. DS goes in. I told TA that his Homebook she needs to take out for filling in as usual.

I collect after dinner. DS is ok but strained. New teach approaches and said had good day, didnt fill in home diary as didnt know if we were still doing that, see you tomorrow DS.

From DS I worked out he had spent all day in the classroom, did assembly and wrote three words, also spelled the word YUK

Why am I concerned? well I am mixed, suspicious and worried. But first I must say he got the biggest hug going as that is the first time ever he has stayed put anywhere. But the consequence I got for it was he exploded after ten minutes of being at home. Clearly he was worn out keeping it together.

School said funding was ending end of last term and they had rushed him back into class with disasterous consequences that took him back in his school day to infant times routine after exclusion also. He is having a SA done and the EP is due to see him again. And they were back to square one.

DS just follows like a lost sheep on anything new........then bang. I could leave things go but have an awful feeling its going to result in major volcano inside class and the last time all his peers had to be removed and he was restrained (wrong thing to do to him) he got excluded even though I told them they were wrong in putting him there.

Or they are trying to prove a point that they can manage with him that way. The TA is the one that fills book in not the teacher and always has been that way so its odd. They put him with other children at a desk which is dangerous unless fully monitored as he has problems with self esteem and failure. Also I am thinking that the last EP and Camhs saw him in a totally differerent senario 1 to 1 and at the time he wasnt even coping with that. The EP is due soon and if she sees this situation she could well decide in her report that he is improving enough to not allow statement. Plus the fact that if he meltsdown every day at home instead they are going to go with the first suspicion that its obviously home that is the problem and mess all the good work we have done so far.

How can you want your son to achieve in one sense and terrified that it is all going to backfire for him in help in another.

Sorry its a ramble I dont even know if this makes sense or I am being a stupid overprotective mum, but its been hell this last twelve months fighting for everything to have it all reversed.

[coff33pot]

Thanks Moose scouted around the site and will take a proper look at it this evening. Ended up clicking a link that took me to a whole load of Tony Attwoods question vids and found myself shouting at the TV "see? thats just what I am trying to tell them!" so turned it off lol

Managed to leap on him at any sign of agitation last night with DH helping too. Problem was he was then so restless last night and was up sleepwalking 3 times because his tension wasnt released. Said he doesnt feel so good this morning and didnt want to go. Hes gone but they are doing photos today and the hall is full of babies, parents and kids he is not impressed its building up I think. I am just glad its Saturday tomorrow and he can rest with us.

[moosemama]

Perhaps you should see if you can visit a couple of SSs to see what they're like and discuss whether or not they would suit your ds. If you are going for a statement, now would be a good time, as if they did turn out to be good you could get them named on the statement.

I have to say though, I was told that SS would be absolutely the wrong place for my ds, because he is academically highly able and they only SSs locally can't offer him that level of education.

I've been through a similar loop about ds1 (who admittedly is a very different kettle of fish) and while I agree that he needs to develop social and life skills, if he can't integrate with his peergroup at school, so he's not getting that anyway, its possible that you have far more to offer him than school does at this moment in time. You could join a H'Ed group and particpate in any of the group things you felt your ds could cope with, so he would still get social interaction, but, he'd have you there to supervise, manage and support him.

Have a read of the HE Special website. It gave me a lot of food for thought, although in the end we decided to carry on with the school route - at least up until secondary.

[coff33pot]

To be honest the HE is still going on in my head. It is DH who wants to keep giving it a go with a school education. I wouldnt think twice about it.

When he was out of school for 3 weeks when they were compiling with me the timetable that worked lol I loved it and he learnt more and did more than he did in school for the whole year. Although he went back he was still part time so I had been boosting him at home with extras, via learning games, social walks etc and history research on the net which he loves. But this has certainly gone to pot now with these meltdowns.

Head said he will never keep a position in MS school unless he goes into a class??? I assumed that as long as he had a statement with 1 to 1 care on it he could still go to school regarless of the fact he cant make it into a classroom full time I mean. I was hoping as he got more mature and was able through therapy to express himself he would stick it out at school because he could SAY I am stressed and need a break but I guess I am barking up the wrong tree.

I could fight for a SS but I dont think this is enough for DS as yes he desperately needs social skills and life skills but his AS brain is constantly crying out to learn and he gets bored to easy. Today he and I were investigating the speed of light so you can see what I mean I have never experienced an SS school so I maybe wrong I really dont know.

[moosemama]

I do understand, we have not viable alternative school options either and it just makes you feel even more trapped.

The only other option would be home ed-ing I suppose - but that's a huge decision to make and really lets the schools/LEA off the hook as he has as much right to attend school as every other child.

I think we're going to end up going the HE route in secondary though. I just can't see us ever even getting him there and that's if we can get him a place now the secondary his school used to feed into has become an Academy.

Have you looked into home tutoring via the LEA? I don't know much about it, but I think it can be an option for children who really can't cope in a classroom environment. That said, its probably impossible to access, even if it is available in theory.

[coff33pot]

Well I told her if he breaks down or hurts a child or teacher please make sure the childs mother or teacher are present when you phone me and call me up so you three can all say it was your fault and not my sons and I would want it in writing.

This is it where schools are concerned that is the problem. The others are so far away and I am concerned that a total change could well throw him further. Also not heard good reports. I am truly at loggerheads with myself over this. Head also had a long chat with the EP as she says she knows her. Now if I go up on Monday and find the EP convincing me this is a good idea I will blow it. I need specialist advice and am stuck in limbo. OT still havent got back to me regarding the scoring etc and SALT wont see him for another 13 weeks. Camhs has said the psychiatrist they are chasing, secretary knows DS case and he will get appointment end of sept and looking like last week. My only hope is maybe this man can help really that is all I have left. Head keeps coming out with PDA to all the bloody teachers too which is not what he has and nor has it been suggested, she has assumed this on the basis of one woman she discussed his non compliance with who hasnt even seen him! it was only supposed to be advice on how to handle as she was from a SSchool. So I had to relay to her his needs are totally complex on the sensory side, social communication disorder, anxiety (more so now!) with a big expected title of AS/ASD as far as anyone we have met so far has said.

I am going to have to be really careful arent I to get this statement and make sure the wording is so bloody precise and then teach them to read because they certainly cant listen!

cahms have said let them fall over but its easy for them to say its not their son that is suffering in the process.

By the way I have already thinking of getting started on the Juniors LOL got his letter already to put his name down for next year so I might be battling early on that one methinks

[moosemama]

Oh Coff33. ((hugs))

Sorry I haven't been back, I 've just been advising another mum from my boy's school who approached me with concerns about her child - as usual the school has been not only crap - but also downright obstructive.

Is there absolutely no way you can move him to a different school? I'm sorry if you've already told me - am very forgetful these days thanks to my shonky wiring up top.

I really think that if they are just going to continue refusing to understand and give your ds the support he needs, rather than the support they want to provide then it might be your only option. Its seems like no matter how many times you tell them consistently what his needs are - they either think they know better or disregard his needs for their own convenience.

What sort of Head runs the risk of their pupils getting hurt in an incident and says that's ok because she'll take the blame ffs!

[coff33pot]

Part two.

I also advised them that I had spoken to camhs and that they were dumbfounded that the school had done this despite the fact that DS was so settled in his routine. The answer was that he needs to learn to be in a class and to manage his behaviour. I told them that there are other things to consider and that he is extremely complex sensorywise and an OT might be putting forward a sensory diet as such or other suggestions. Senco said she had no idea what that was so I mentioned excercise routines, trampolines etc for his sensory seeking. She said we have none of these things here so that will be hard to do.

I put forward that whilst I was thrilled that he spent the morning in class and have been positive with DS about this not negative the way they are doing it is having a negative impact on him as he is not sleeping either, that as before when they put him in whole class and then the biggest meltdown followed which ended in his exclusion. Told them I was concerned that he or someone could get hurt. Heads answer was that she would totally take the blame and put her hand up should it occur.

Re statement EP is coming in on monday morn to assess DS in his nice new classroom and wants to see me an hour later. Head said its just a matter of observing him as his tests have all been done and as she knows her if she says DS needs a statement he will get one! But they are adamant to keep him going this way but suggested adding on some excercises just before I pick him up to hopefully prevent him melting down at home............they really REALLY dont get it :(

[coff33pot]

well..........its like this I have had a long walk today and so far thankfully DH has been able to leap on DS at a moments stressy cue so, so far so good but we shouldnt have to live like this.

It didnt go well at all really and I think I am now going to be stitched up with the EP too. As I arrived the head was talking to the EP by phone obviously not believing a word I said that they had to come in and reassess DS.

Head/senco, TA and the teach were present and then there was little old me. The teacher started with a "well what a wonderful 3 days we have had with DS, you must be proud of him it has gone wonderfully well" To which I replied nicely well it hasnt has it and he answer was well I feel it has because my plan is working at school and surely you would like the very best for DS dont you

So I calmly stated that I have my sons best interests at heart at ALL times. Explained the extent of the meltdown he had to their horrified faces, embarrasing but needed doing, showed them the destruction photo, told them I have never seen him this insenced since last march before the things I suggested been put into place. Told them that they have put DS under extreme emotional stress and that this is the consequence of their actions. My ten yr old is breaking her heart and my son is crying he is such a bad brother.

The teachs reply was well in school it has been very positive and I feel we should keep going this way or he wont make it in a mainstream school. I ignored her comment and asked why I wasnt informed of what their plans were in order to discuss them and I could perhaps have gradually explained the changes over the holidays, thus pehaps avoiding a melting child! anwer was "oh didnt we? oh sorry" Also mentioned she had children of her own and it is "normal" for a child to be well behaved at school and then play up at home. I asked her if her kids were autisic to which she said no so I told her then dont tell me what is normal and one major thing you should never do is spring surprises on an autistic child and not expect consequences. Also that I am not prepared to have them sit pretty at school at the expense of my children and my homelife.

Part two will follow it got worse

[moosemama]

How did it go?

[moosemama]

Good luck Coff33 - hope you manage to get through to them.

Is there any change your CAMHs contact would put something in writing to the school?

You are definitely not a paranoid mum - the school, as my dh would say, don't appear to know their A from their E when it comes to ASD and refuse to listen to those who do. Honestly the arrogance of some schools/teachers thinking that they know best with every child, regardless of the extent of their additional needs makes me so !

I think the fundamental issue is that they want your ds's compliance, rather than for him to be happy and comfortable at school. This is when inclusion becomes something other than the true meaning of the word. Just sticking a child in a classroom does mean he has been included - it means he's a square peg wedged into a round hole. True inclusion would take full consideration of his physical needs (sensory etc) and emotional wellbeing and differentiate accordingly.

[coff33pot]

Have just spoken to my point of contact at camhs to chase up appt for psychiatrist and had a chat of what the school have done and how DS has reacted at home and she is dumbfounded that they have done this and in her own words said at the moment DS will be hazily going with it at school because it is new and it will only be a matter of time before he cracks under the pressure and whilst it is at home now it will move into school time. Which at least tells me I am not just being a paranoid mum with all this.

Couldnt get through to parent partnership yet so will look like I will have to try it alone without advice from them but will get hold of them for future times

[coff33pot]

Thanks I have reported the post!

This is what is so annoying Moosemama. I thought they were taking my knowledge on board and the daft thing is when they were all was fine for those 3 weeks of term. Different boy altogether. Home wise he was fine already because we changed to strategies that helped his traits.

What they have done is thrown him in the deep end. They did have funding for him for 15 hours and they were putting in the rest all without a statement (ongoing). Head let slip that funding was stopping end of last term. Also his room that was a quiet/sensory music room is now built as a classroom/his class and they did have parent coffee meets every morning in it. They have now put these parent meets in the library which was his own quiet space and where he had the majority of his lessons with his 1 to 1. It doesnt take much to read between the lines does it.........they have just decided amongst their school planning to shove him in and hope because they dont know where to put him now. They are banking on there idea working hence why they are asking me to stick with it at my sons expense under the guise of "we are thinking of DS" bullshit.

Trouble is this give it a go charge in is causing him distress and when he finally kicks off it will be DS that will be the bad guy.

I know the first time they use the emotional blackmail I will be close to freaking out.

I have printed off the emails and will say that he needs a new IEP with the changes. Also point out to the Head/senco infront of the other two that at our last meeting before end of term she merely discussed the changing of the TA and it would be good to intergrate him slowly to full time school (now she says she doesnt think he will cope with it you dont say........)

I have taken photos last night of the disaster zone of my front room, the rest of the house was the same. I feel that just saying he has a meltdown is not sinking in and maybe if they see the damage then they can surmise just HOW overloaded he is.

[moosemama]

You just need to click on the report message button on the top right of each post and explain to MNHQ why you'd like it deleted.

Just been looking through Tony Attwood's website to see if there was anything there to help you. Lots of potentially helpful reports synopsis, but no indication on how to get hold of the actual report/studies.

Take along all your emails with you - highlight the bits that say they agreed to discuss interventions and strategies with you.

Could you perhaps try taking the approach of wanting to work together to get things right for your ds? Tell them you want to support their support of him, by giving them the benefit of your knowledge about ASD, but more importantly your knowledge of your ds - after all, no-one is going to be more of an expert on your child than you and they should see you as a valuable resource.

I'd tell them that you support their theory that he needs to learn how to function in the classroom, but that he needs to be eased into it gradually rather than just landed in a new situation. Transition is hard enough, without it all being brand new and unexpected - they need to slow the process down and think of it as a slow - integrated approach to getting him into the classroom for a full morning by a set target date, agreed with you. In the meantime, they can be working on the strategies - sensory and otherwise - that he will need in order to cope with that length of time in the classroom.

I usually find I get a better response if I sound like I'm agreeing with them in principle and appreciate them working with ds, but that I have a few suggestions as to how they can adjust their approach to suit his 'very individual' needs and make a it more successful process.

[coff33pot]

Thanks for replying and pointing out DS name is in there I was in a pickle and didnt realise. Got to work out how to delete now oops.

I dont have Tony Attwoods book so I cant read anything from that. I did give them my book of Ten Things for them all to read last term.

I have emails from the Head/Senco when I withdrew him from school. Ones from me on how he reacts to different situations and how I have successfully dealt with each one at home. And another saying they agreed to create a new timetable and disguss interventions and stratagies with me which they did and a copy of the proposed timetable which states one interaction with children ie carpet time/story time/RE and a DS topic of his choice where he can invite someone to join in with that topic if he so wished. Also I had a meeting with them with the Behaviour Therapist that told them to go back to when he was first happy when he exploded and was expelled the last time.

His IEP is mainly connected with his last class in helping him answer and recognise his name when being called, interaction etc nothing to do with putting him in a whole class situation. This was not agreed this was just plainly started by them the first day of term.

[moosemama]

I wish I could think of something more helpful, but I'm in a similar exhausted and flappy sort of state myself this morning and still worrying about how to handle things with ds1's school.

The only thing I can come up with was his IEP from last term. What was on that? It should carry over to this term and they shouldn't have re-written it without your knowledge, so if it covered all the adjustments and differentiation they were doing last term that worked so well - it should still be in place.

Alternatively, do you have anything in writing about what they were doing last term that was working and their agreement to carry it out?

[moosemama]

Coff33, just read your posts and my first thought is that you might want to get the deleted, as you've mentioned your ds's name in both of them.

Secondly, is there someone who can attend the meeting with you? If not, have you tried Parent Partnership, it really sounds like you need someone in your corner. It'll be too late for today, but might be an idea to get in contact with them so you have someone for future meetings.

Do you have any thing you can quote at them about how coping strategies and melting down at home is typical ASD behaviour and representative of the fact that your ds is under immense pressure and emotional strain? Attwood's book maybe? Sorry I can't get to my copy - or I'd look it up for you myself.

They need to understand that just because he's holding it together during the morning at school, it doesn't mean that he's anywhere near coping - exactly the same problem as we're having at the moment.

[coff33pot]

Ok I have not slept and DS has gone school but vacant and tired. In less than 3 hrs I have this meeting. Does anyone have any suggestions as I am quietly getting in a flap :(

[moosemama]

Aw Ellen you take care of yourself, lovely of you to come and support us, but you have enough on your plate at the moment.

Hugs returned tenfold.

[EllenJaneisnotmyname]

I'm here. Sorry you two, you've been lovely and supportive to me and you're both having crap days. Got no advice today, just some hugs.

[moosemama]

Oh Coff33, I'm so sorry you've had such a horrible day. Am sending huge ((hugs)).

We've had one humdinger of a meltdown this evening as well - fortunately he's not destructive, but he floored his little brother emotionally and then went to work on me for good measure.

Lets hope we can all regroup and try and have a better day tomorrow. What with this and EllenJane, I'm thinking this has been what my Mum would call a Monkey Day - just chaos and bad vibes all round.

[coff33pot]

I am sorry Moosemama or I would have replied earlier to you but been a hell of a day here too :(

I think you are right to call a meeting with the SENCO as I think you have to basically start again to get what was in place before by the looks of it. Obviously lack of communication between teachers has led to nothing being laid out properly for him. Poor boy no wonder he is having such a hard time.

I would take a breath and go through that route at least you can lay all the cards on the table and get everything running smoothly at once instead of like you said speaking to the teacher everytime something arises as it would be too staggard for your DS bless him.

I know about sobbing I have sobbed my heart out today. I have only just sat here after having to rebuild my home. DS trashed my whole house today, kicked the dog, kicked his sisters, through items at his sister, trashed his bedroom because I had to put him in there in the end when I could hold him and sit against the door. I am having a cup of tea, fag which is not good as I have been on the path of giving up but I just cant do it today :( When I have recomposed I will come back as I need some advice desperately x

[moosemama]

Well, nightmare morning - total school refusal, lots of tears, lots of anger.

Eventually managed to get him there, but he was so angry, sad etc, not even his friend could cheer him up.

His teacher wasn't in the playground, but the one he has on Mondays and Fridays approached and said she'd heard he had a good day yesterday - so I told her what was going on, how he's been at home and what he'd said to me and explained that I didn't know what to do because we've had a really traumatic 24 hours and something needs to be done, but I don't want to get labelled as a problem parent by the teacher this early on (she understands this because she has a child on the spectrum herself and we've discussed it before). She went and had a chat with ds in his line then went to see his main class teacher on my behalf. She did say that she's not always heard though and it still might be a good idea to write a not to his other teacher.

I found out this morning that he's been put on a table at the other end of the classroom to all the other boys and he feels singled out, excluded and different, so I made sure I told her about that as a priority.

From what I can work out, the teacher has read all his reports and been very exacting about implementing things like an 'autism workstation', but doesn't seem to have had a decent handover from last year's teacher so that she can take into account his personality and feelings. Yes he needs a low distraction organised workstation, but he also needs to feel that he's included in the class and not set apart from the rest of his class as 'The Special Needs Pupil'.

Last year they had 4 or 5 children in his class who had varying additional needs from dyslexia, to a looked after child who had a bad start in life, to a child who has an unidentified delay and they were sort of clustered together. None of the rest of the class realised these children had any additional needs other than the child who has dyslexia, who has told them himself, so none of them felt marked out at 'different'. This year there has been a class shake up and ds and the child with dyslexia are the only children with additional needs left in his class. The child with dyslexia has been completely integrated into the normal seating, whereas from what I can make out, ds has been sat at on his own at the other end of the room from all the boys.

Just spoke to dh, had a good sob and we've decided to call the SENCO if things aren't any better today. She's new, very good and I'm hoping it might be a better route than haranguing the teacher before and after school every day. Iirc, I think the SENCO is supposed to be the point of contact for any SEN issues anyway, so hopefully they'll be happier with me doing it that way.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

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