Aspergers/ASD children and birthdays

[LivinInThe80s]

Anyone else with an ASD child dread birthdays and Xmas? DS2 has just had his 7th birthday and continues his mission to lose friends and alienate people!!

Although we don't have a definite diagnosis it is pretty certain that DS2 has Aspergers. My dad insists that there's nothing wrong but I think he's got more of an idea of what it's like now! My dad and his new girlfriend came to visit, DS2 just behaved so badly - he can't cope with surprises so opening their presents and cards was a nightmare, he'd say "I wasn't expecting that!" or "I don't want that" each time he was given something. The girlfriend was getting more and more cat's-bum-mouthed throughout.

The worst for me was when he was sat on grandad's lap opening cards and pulled a Batman one out, saying "Why did someone give me a Batman card, everyone should know I don't like Batman!!" Who was the card from? Grandad of course .... I could carry on listing his misdemeanours but I'm sure you get the picture

I know he can't always help what he says and how he acts but it's just mortifying - I'm so fed up with everyone just thinking I have a really badly behaved son

And we've got Xmas to look forward to soon, yay!!

[LivinInThe80s]

yes, birthday cake time was also a nightmare here , DS2 wouldn't let us sing!!

[TheArsenicCupCake]

We have ds's birthday this week.. I think they do get a bit better as they get older.. But also you get better at controlling what they get.
What we do is get him to write a birthday/Xmas wish list.. If there is something I think he'll like.. But wouldn't think of himself.. I point it out and say ooooh that looks nice.. What do you think it does?" .. And then he gets all interested :).. The list is then copied and past around family.. So that everyone picks something he wants... And he knows that if it's on the list there is a chance of getting it.. So no real suprises.

It is a wish list and has to be explained that not all of it will appear on a birthday..

And cakes? Well we have the same cake, the same family tea party , the same games EVERY YEAR!

It's also worth teaching the response " oh thank you," and hug granny if it's something you don't like ( you'll sort it out later lol).

[LivinInThe80s]

I guess you learn to "manage" it better over time - I usually do ask him what he wants (because it's not usually the typical kind of thing a 7 year old boy would like! ) and as the PILs are quite old and live far away I usually buy something on their behalf. It's the unexpected things that are difficult - I don't feel I can tell my Dad's new girlfriend what to get him IYSWIM.

Oh yes, Lenin - party games!! This year we had games but we were under strict instructions that there would be no winners (DS hates losing!)

[HelensMelons]

Yes, this thread made me laugh - I hadn't realised how much I felt that 'being a good mum' was tied into providing ds2 (asd/adhd) with a good, family birthday party each year and finally this year the penny dropped that what I might want to provide, is not necessarily what he wants!

This year, he was 9 in Feb and we had his cake, lit the candles, the whole singing bit in our dining room meanwhile, he got offside and raided the fridge in the kitchen. It was the funniest thing and couldn't have given a clearer message!

He doesn't like birthday cake and hates having the song sung to him. Party games are a no no! Fair enough!!! x

[logi]

He sounds just like my almost 7 yr old ds.

[telluthetruth]

this is a coincidence just had our dds 13th and by now we have it almost sussed although ds did unravel slightly at the finish due to overload (half an hour less would have been perfection!)

no family (although my family are great but it would just be too much all at once) and just asd friends. BEAUTIFUL!

[Marne]

Dd1 has had a couple parties, we go to soft play, we invite 10 children (most don't really like dd1), presents are opened at home (so dd1 cant make comments infront of the present givers), dd1 plays by herself (but enjoys herself).

DD2 hates anyone singing happy birthday and has only been to dd1's parties, she's not bothered if she doesn't have a party, to her its more about baloons, cake and party food (she wouldn't notice if anyone was there or not).

Party games are also a no no with dd1 as she has to win (or she has a meltdown).

[ouryve]

Yep - DS1 is 7 in a few weeks and any special day is a nightmare. We even had huge meltdowns on Friday morning because of his anxiety about a bonfire disco at school.

We make sure to do our best to let potential gift givers know what he likes, this week, just to help prevent the rejection situation you described. It's getting increasingly difficult as he grows to know his own mind, though!

We also try to keep events as low key as possible. For example, we do Christmas quietly at home and visit my parents and other family, 100 miles way, for New Year, instead. It does mean we have 2 sets of anxiety (Christmas and the visit) but he/we can at least deal with each one on its own.

[LivinInThe80s]

Thanks everyone - I can't say "I'm glad I'm not alone" cos I know how hard it is for you all too so I'll say at least someone else understands!!Ouryve - I think you are right, it's probably best to keep everything as low-key as poss, I think DS2 got overwhelmed by everything and therefore played up. I'm beginning to understand his triggers and trying to avoid things that will set him off. We live and learn don't we