My partner snores and I want to kill him!!! HELP!!! IDEAS!!! ADVICE!!!!

[sparklycheerymummy]

That may sound extreme but I am at my wits end. I am 6 months pregnant and have suffered till 21 weeks with sickness. My dp snores so loudly he wakes my dd up who is 7! He doesnt just snore .... its a mixture of whistling, heavy breathing, grunts, moans, piggy snorting snores, stopping breathing then letting out a snore loud enough to cause an earthquake. I just cant sleep - I cant stop crying because I am so tired. He says I should just leave him to sleep and get a grip but i can barely function. I have slept on our small 2 seat sofa to try let him sleep but I have a large bump for 6 months pregnant and I wake up crippled with back ache. i adore my dp but because i nudge him or rub his arm he says he is tired and its my fault. What do I do??? I have bought him a special watch thing and nose strips but they only worked for the first night! He works incredibly hard and I appreciate everything he does but he is turning into the nastiest most aggresive and arrogant pig and I dont know what to do. I am ordering a new mattres to see if it helps. He basically has put on weight and knows this is THE reason he snores yet he continues to eat crap and 2 large bags of peanuts as a snack and fry ups every day etc etc but it is still MY fault he is tired cos i obviously try to get him to at least lie on his side in the night as the snoring is quieter! SHOULD I LEAVE HIM TO SNORE AND EITHER A) SLEEP ON 2 SEATER SOFA CRAMPED UP OR B) LIE AWAKE ALL NIGHT LISTENING TO HIS ORCHESTRA OF SNORES. This may sound trivial to some but if you have a partner who snores you may know how i feel. PLEASE TAKE TIME TO GIVE ME HELP OR IDEAS xxxx

[sparklycheerymummy]

AND I MUST BE WOUND UP BECAUSE MY BOOBS ARE BLOOMIN LEAKING ALL OVER THE OUTFIT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE GOING OUT IN (and i have no clothes that fit my huge bump anymore!) ........ BEING PREGNANT IS WONDERFUL. OUt come the breast pads already!!!!!!!!

[ches]

I'm sorry but you obviously took my post the wrong way. I wasn't blaming you, I meant to say he has a problem that he cannot deal with alone and needs help. His problem is clearly bigger than the snoring, but rather one of impulse control and combined with the irritability and refusal to take responsibility you've mentioned, I'm beginning to wonder if maybe it isn't this.

Do you have support from extended family? Can you stage an intervention? Get someone close to him to break the news to him how his behaviour is hurting his family and that he needs to seek help?

[sparklycheerymummy]

Hi, I am at my wits end and he isnt dealing with it alone....... he just isnt dealing with it.He is very arrogant at times and is never wrong. I work in Special Education and i deal with adhd add etc a lot. . . . . in my mind this is not him.... he is just arrogant and pig headed but ultimately it is affecting everyone in the houses health now!! He has demanded i lay off him and says he will deal with it when he is ready, on his own and in his own way!! He won't like the weekly shop i did this week though!!!!!!!

[hayleybop]

Hi I have just been reading your thread again. i really feel for you...I had PND with my first and I was very hormonal with my second which wasnt planned...
I have a partner who snores and I am an extreamly light sleeper, I think any mum is as we have a 'on call' instinct in us...listening out for a babies cry ect....
You seem really stressed and I know how you feel i have been there.
Can you take a break from all this and go stay with someone for a week or take your Daughter on a cheap holiday as a one to one before the new arrival?
You need time out to reflect and some serious chilling to do, go have a massage, see some nice good friends and take the load off yourself...
This is what I do when I've had enough of my partner...I go see family and friends ( who live at the other end of the country)..
You could leave him a letter telling him how much you love him and how great he is, but then say your unhappy in the realationship and the only way it will improves is if he takes you seriously. Explain how you are feeling. He can read the letter over and over again when your gone and maybe it will sink in.
You will return home and after having some rest you will feel alot better, you will be able to cope abit better....and hopefully you will be able to find some middle ground with your partner....
It works for me....It has also worked for some of my friends...read men are from mars women are from venus...think it's that...

[Niecie]

Having just read the whole of this thread I get to the top and find that Hayleybop has just suggested the same thing I was going to suggest.

I think you need to get away and get some rest - staying with family might be good (so long as you get a bed to yourself and some peace) or, if that is not possible, stay in a hotel for a couple of nights.

Your DP is just not taking you seriously. I would be telling him that I needed some space to think and to get some rest. Maybe you leaving for a bit will give him the jolt he needs to realise that this is serious and is not going to go away unless he takes action.

I know how you feel as my DH snores and insomnia during pregnance was not helped by the man mountain in the bed snoring his head off (he is also 5'9" and about 18 stone). He was never agressive, just grumpy but it has been enough to totally ruin my sleep pattern and I spend more nights in the spare room than I do in our bed. This is 6 yrs down the line from my last pregnancy and I wouldn't want you to end up like us. I think if we had no spare room we would have split up by now.

Your DP has to realise that this goes beyond not sleeping and that he is in danger of losing you because it sounds like you are at the end of your tether.

Can I ask, is he looking forward to the new baby? I am also wondering if he is feeling a bit trapped by the prospect of a new baby and this is part of the reason he is trying to assert his independence. Just a guess though.

[sparklycheerymummy]

I have considered a night or two in a hotel but my dd is back at school next week and i just have too much to do. the family holiday ws a joke as i ended up sharing a bed with my dd and my dp slept on his own.............. i secretly loved snuggling up with dd every night but me and dp had no time together. not sure how he would react if i went away but i suspect he would sulk and then just get on with things. I am so behind with housework and the house is grubby which i hate but i have no energy or enthusiasm for it at all. Its so hard because i do love him and he works hard but this snoring sleeping issue could tip us over the edge. i am becoming grumpy, super emotional and my sickness seems to be coming back which i think is down to stress. i am going to go to my own gp and talk about how i feel myself adn then ask for help about how to manage this issue. i need to get myself working before i can help him anymore.

[Niecie]

Could you go to a hotel locally and come back home when he has gone to work? You could get on with your day and get some sleep too.

Alternatively, could you bunk down with your DD on an airbed (or get your DD to sleep on it whilst she has your bed). You could try earplugs then, knowing that if she needed you, you would still hear her or she would be able to wake you herself.

Ideally you should have the bed and your DP should be the one to suffer but if both of you end up so tired and grumpy or stressed then nothing is going to improve.

Where will the baby sleep? Does your DP realise that he stands to wake the baby too and then he definitely won't get any sleep. Tired babies are good at letting you know their displeasure, aren't they?

[sparklycheerymummy]

they are and i need and want him here every step of they way with the baby which is why i have finally begun to urge him to get help. i have good friends locally and i know i could turn up at any one of their houses. only i already feel distant from him and know i will only feel worse!

[alypaly]

sparklycheerymummy I paid for my now ex partners throat to be lasered. this tightens up the soft palate and stops it rattling.It worked for quite a long time after he came out of hospital but he is was overweight, smoked and slept on his back and sounded like he was sawing logs.
I ended up sleeping downstairs on the settee for months. I would let him drift off to sleep then i wud grab another quilt and sneak downstairs. Its a real passion killer but it was the only way i got some sleep. It wrecked our relationship. 12 years down the line, even tho we are now apart, the disturbance has affected my sleep pattern so much I have had to take sleeping tablets and anti depressants to get me off to sleep in my own bed.
snorers do not realise how much they affect your life....i actually snore myself but not at the kind of decibel level he did. Drink also made him 10 times worse.. good luck..its a real relationship tester

[themoon66]

My friend takes herself off to the local Ibis hotel 2 miles down the road. they let her book in anytime of night now as they know her

[VulpusinaWilfsuit]

A very old fashioned remedy - if he snores while sleeping on his back - is to make (haha) him wear PJs with cotton reels sewn in the back. Should be uncomfortable enough to prevent him rolling onto his back but not so much to fully wake him.

I threaten to do this with my DH but since (apparently!) sometimes snore too I don't think I'd get very far. But I have heard of it working well.

[hayleybop]

It's not the end of the world if you have to sleep with your daughter, you want to share with him but you cant....
Hundreds of women sleep in other rooms whilst pregant or post pregnant...
Did his snoring effect you before you were pregnant?
I had bad insomnia whilst pregnant it's quite common...
I was having panick attacks and all sorts so was perscribed Anti D's and even diazipan for a couple of weeks but your not the problem he is because he is over weight and being a nasty angry arrogant aggressive pig...so you put it...
Buy a nice mattress, put it in your daughters room and camp out there....or swap rooms, you and your daughter in the big bed and him in the small bed...
Something has to give coz when the baby comes you will all be up in the night!!!unless you have a loverly baby that sleeps through anything...
This is just a faze and it will pass, you will sleep better when the baby comes, it's your hormones doing rollercoastering and you will be feeling all nurotic and streessed...normal..
Sod the house work, just concentrate on chilling out or sleeping when he is at work and when your daughter is at school....at least you can do this as many other women have young toddlers to look after...

[sparklycheerymummy]

Thought his nasal spray doc gave him was helping........ it isnt. He is looking forward to baby i think niecie but its hard to think straight when you are so tired. I have now completely lost my appetite aswell. i shared a bed with him last night and i know i was awake lots but didnt seem able to rouse myself to move or get him to move!!! Am working on it but am back at work on thursday after 7 weeks off so tiredness will really hit then.

[EdithJemima]

Hi. Really sympathise, have had similar problems and still negotiating. I wonder though why your partner is working so very long. Some men seem to get into a mindset where they tell themselves they are slogging their guts out at work 'FOR YOU' so you should be able to sort everything else out (kids, home, relationships...), it's not their worry. It may be justified by the need to bring in more cash.... but has there been the discussion as to what you as a family really prioritise? Or could this be related to the denial issues raised by others?

[fuckmybackiskillingme]

Please try SILICONE EAR PLUGS, Superdrug sells them for around £5. Unlike conventional earplugs which are very uncomfortable and do not work (!), these silicone ones really block out loud noise and aren't uncomfortable at all.

[MrsWooster]

we use asonor, which is apparently disgusting not my problem tho but does work after a couple of nights.

[Rootatoot]

Op, I really feel for you & worry for you as you need some sort of answer before your baby arrives. My dh is terrible snorer. Also think he has sleep apnoea. I've used earplugs for years (great comfy ones, get them off amazon) but when ds was born, I obv couldnt wear them as couldn't hear baby. I am also much lighter sleeper than before cos ds is a dreadful sleeper. At 15 months he still wakes at least twice & is an early waker too. We've ended up with dh in spare room but our relationship is v strained. Dh feels left out. I am a sleep deprived zombie and that's just from ds. If I added dh's snoring into it, I'd be over the edge. Going away or having guests here is so hard, I dread it.

You can't force your dp to sort himself out. I think you need to put yourself first. Get a coping plan together. So earplugs combined with baby monitor for deaf parents which vibrates? Possible. Or change sleeping arrangements (something much better & long term than sofa). Also get some friends family support ready. Tell them you are tired already & worried about pnd.

I'm sorry but you are just hoping yr dp will come through for you when baby arrives. He very possibly won't. Sounds v selfish. I wish I'd done things differently & got more support from elsewhere in early days.

Look after yourself.