Where should DH sleep?

[user1484167681]

Planning ahead, baby is only due in Jan. DH will take his 2 weeks' paternity leave and then take a leave of absence, so he will be at home for the first 8 weeks or so. I'm planning to sleep in our double bed, with baby next to the bed in a cot/crib for easy access for nighttime feeds.

We had assumed DH would stay in the room too, but the more I think about it, the more I wonder if we shouldn't set up a mattress in the spare room? Doesn't make any sense for him to be woken every few hours when baby wakes and I'm feeding etc? I'd rather he was well-rested so he can be more useful during the day!

What have others done? How did it work out for you? I'm not keen to kick him out tbh and I don't think he'll be thrilled at the suggestion- he's super keen to be in on the action, but I want to do what's best for our mental and physical health (all 3 of us!) :)

[Merida83]

Just read your second post, my husband who could sleep thro a bombing resorted to sleeping in spare room during last few weeks of my pregnancy as i disturbed him so much lol!

[Merida83]

I have a 4 week old. Like you I have a next to bedside little cot. Husband is still in our bed. Only difference is we've had to swap sides to accommodate cot lol.
Not sure if it would work so well if he wasn't such a sound sleeper tho. He still gets his full 8 hours. The Baby almost never wakes him, literally it's been like twice. And on the odd occasion I've needed help with a vomit based emergency he's woken up got what I needed and was back asleep again before I could even say thanks!

[MyDcAreMarvel]

If your dh isn't working then he should wind and settle the baby after you have finished breastfeeding.

[arbrighton]

DS (16w) goes into his room when we go to bed, and DH sleeps in the single bed in there while i get a few hours decent deep sleep in our room. He brings ds through on first wake up. If it's a work day, DH then goes to spare room for rest of night. If day off, he stays with ds after feed til next wake up. After that, ds in with me, in co sleeper if a good night or next to me if not, which is partly why no DH.
complex but everyone gets as much sleep as poss. Been doing this probably since about 4 w.

[crazychemist]

I'd say set up the spare bed and then see how it goes. My DH does about 4 nights a week in the spare room by choice, but he enjoys being in with us on the other nights.

[EmmaJR1]

My Dh stayed in the bed with me and DS was in the Moses basket. It helped us stay connected as a couple rather than just mummy and daddy. Also if I was too sleep
Deprived I just poked him and got him to take ds for an hour so I could really sleep.

[MumToaSleepThief]

We have all stayed in the same room. At first DH used to wake (new baby, lots of grunting and snuffling etc) however as I EBF he now doesn't wake. I think he probably half hears the cry but knows its for a feed. BUT its nice to have him in the bed as sometimes when DS has fed every hour throughout the night every 2 hours and won't settle back after a feed I give him a nudge, pass the baby over and tell him its his turn .

On the odd occasion he has had something very important at work, he has slept in the spare room the night before.

TBH during his paternity leave neither of us slept at the same time, we had shifts and took it in turns!

[user1484167681]

Thanks again, everyone! No, no other small children or anything- it's just the first baby in the family, so we don't have a clue what we're doing, haha... All your insights have been great, I think we'll just have to see what works for us when the time comes. I also need to ask DH what he would prefer! Although I imagine it's easy to say you want to stay in the room until the reality of being woken every two hours hits you...

Also, we have another family member living with us, and (because of the layout of the house) leaving the bedroom significantly increases the risk of disturbing them- which would make me feel bad! Otherwise I'd just be plodding along to the sofa in the living room.

It's interesting to hear the different perspectives of experienced parents though! I will remain open-minded on the matter :)

[upsydaisies]

I asked my DH about this and if he would have rather had a separate room and he said no. Apparently our son slept through from three weeks old anyway 😯

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

Yep we slept in separate rooms in shifts

[upsydaisies]

My DH has yet to be woken by our son after three years. I often would stare at him menacingly through the night and then sometimes pull the duvet off him when he kicked the baby out into his own room at 18mths and I had to sleep in the cot.

He might be happy staying. Is it that you have other kids that are small and need help looking after? If not you don’t need him during the day and he’ll still complain he’s tired anyway if he’s like mine. I was soooooo happy when his week of paternity ended and he was back at work during the day because there was one less person for me to look after!

[museumum]

Mostly all together for the emotional support except for a few weeks around the 12week mark and the occasional night before he had a meeting.

It gets lonely at night otherwise. Also sometimes it’s good to have him resettle or change the baby if you’ve done the feed.

And particularly in the early weeks it’s good to have a shared understanding of what’s going on.

[riddles26]

I agree to take it as it comes. Mine was also off for the first couple of months and we slept in the same room for the overwhelming majority of that time. Really helped to have someone else the first 2 weeks when she just wouldn't be put down at all and I started expressing around then so he could do one night feed allowing me to get a little rest.

We did sleep in separate rooms from around 6 months though as we kept hitting poor sleep due to teething/regression/illness and both agreed it was best one of us slept well and could swap the following night if i was struggling that much (we've only ended up swapping twice and she's now 11 months!)

[Sparklyuggs]

I evicted DH during pregnancy at 35 weeks and he hasn't come back in since! He has a stressful job which would jeopardize lives if he's tired, and we keep all the doors open so I just shout if I need him.

Even during the 4 week paternity leave we did this and it worked well for us, he'd take DS from 5am once I'd fed so I could sleep and everyone is more pleasant after sleep IMO.

[sourpatchkid]

Keep him in the same room at least for now. My dh looks back really fondly at those early days (I would feed, he would wind and cuddle) we were all exhausted but he would be really sad not to have had those memories. Don't protect your DH from being a daddy.

[ASqueakingInTheShrubbery]

After a few nights of the baby crying because that's what they do, and me crying because I couldn't stop her crying, I set up the sofabed downstairs. DH doesn't fit on it, so I couldn't have thrown him out of the bedroom. Once DD was sleeping a decent length of time, she went in her bedroom and I went back to the proper bed. DH did the night feeds one or both weekend nights, with expressed milk, and I slept in the bed, just waking up to express when my boobs were exploding. He sat up all night watching films, causing me irrational anxiety about not teaching the baby the difference between night and day. She figured it out pretty quickly.

DD was small and sleepy, and I was knackered, so I needed to wake both of us up properly to feed, with lights on, nappy change and my iPad to faff on the Internet. It would have been massively disruptive to DH to do all that in the same room, and I couldn't see any benefit in us both being exhausted.

[Cakecrumbsinmybra]

Oh yes, DH also had to see to DS1, although this was mercifully infrequent by then! How people manage with tiny age gaps and poor sleepers I'll never know!

[user1493413286]

One more thing to consider is where you’re going to feed at night. I know a lot of people feed their baby in bed but I found after my caesarean that I couldn’t get comfortable in bed so I used to go into the spare room where we had a very upright sofa which was perfect for me, it also helped me not fall asleep when feeding and meant I could watch my iPad during some of the 40 minute feeds without disturbing my OH. I also used to change her nappy in there as she would cry during this.

[Cakecrumbsinmybra]

All 3 of us slept in the room for about 4 weeks, then DH moved to the spare room until DS2 went to his own room at 8 months! Certainly during the week anyway. It meant that DH could get some solid sleep - I'd have to wake anyway as was breastfeeding. Anytime from 5am DH would take DS2 away as he'd had some undisturbed sleep. Good luck!

[user1484167681]

Really helpful, thanks everyone! I've not yet asked him how he feels about it- I very much think he'll want to stay, but I'm pragmatic and want to make our lives easier for what I assume will be the tough first bit. It's useful to hear what other people have experienced- I think we'll aim to all stay in the same room, but adapt if necessary. :)

And yes- planning to breastfeed, and was hoping he'd be supercharged for all the laundry that I hear will need doing. And cooking delicious meals! :D

Even now I find myself worried about waking him (which has been known to happen) when I'm struggling to get comfortable at 4am and I'm tossing and turning (like a beached whale...!). So I was wondering whether it might be better to not have that concern, but I agree we'll have to play it by ear.

Thank you for all your advice! :)

[BuzzKillington]

We all stayed in our bed!

Both of ours started off the night in moses basket then ended up in our bed at some point during the night.

I breastfed - dh never even woke up.

[Gottalovesummer]

DP stayed, we all co-slept. I did the "in" tray and he did the "out" tray (if necessary) it really worked for us and felt like we were sharing duties.

[Sallylondon]

I wouldn’t plan ahead too much as you have no idea how things will work out. I would imagine that in the early days, you might appreciate the moral support of him in the bedroom with you. It’s more likely that he’ll benefit from a separate bedroom when he’s back at work and you’re still chugging on with night feeding three or four months in.
However, you might appreciate a spare bed in the last few weeks of pregnancy when it can be very hard to sleep comfortably and you’ll find yourself tossing and turning.

[PragmaticWench]

If you end up having a c-section then lifting the baby can be difficult to start with. DH had our babies sleeping on his side of the bed for the first week each time, so he'd lift them up and pass them to me for a feed.

Just might be useful if you do end up struggling.

[missyB1]

Have you asked him how he would feel being banished to the spare room? He’s not got to get up for work so it’s not a problem him waking in the night is it? Don’t make him feel pushed out.
My DH was often awake helping me in the night (we bottle fed), and then went to work as a Dr in the morning- never once did we think about sleeping separately.