Somebody please help. I have died but my body is still moving (just).

[MaverickSnoopy]

I am on my knees with exhaustion, my body is in pain all the time, my muscles ache, my head pounds, my throats hurts, I have mouth ulcers, I am seeing things and can't remember basic things (I can't remember where I put the baby or where the mugs live etc). I often don't feel safe looking after our children. Today is one of those days and I can't stop crying because I am SO very tired.

DD2 was challenging in the early days refusing to nap at all unless in someone's arms (many people tried). Eventually I found out that she would nap in the sling. Now at just over 6mo this is still the only way she will sleep and it's wrecking havoc with my unresolved pregnancy related sciatica and PGP. My physio says that no matter how much physio I do, it will not get better unless I can rest and repair though some sleep too. Now when she's in the sling I'm limping and dragging my leg behind me in pain. I can no longer walk long distances. She also won't let me sit down when she's asleep in the sling, waking the second I sit down. If I stand up she will have three naps each day - 1.5hr, 40m - 1hr and 30m to 45m.

At 9wo she started self settling at bedtime and in the night. At 12wo she started sleeping through the night some nights and others waking at 1am for a feed and then 5am for a nose around and then settled herself back to sleep. Just before Christmas she got bronchiolitis and everything changed. She stopped self settling and would only sleep in our arms at night. We let her because she needed the sleep to get better. As soon as she was better we started putting her down again but she would only sleep for an hour or maybe an hour and a half at a time (and usually only if she dozed off in our arms). We didn't have a chance to crack this because a few days later she got a tummy upset and so again wouldn't let us put her down at night. Once she was better we tried again but this time she was waking hourly. Then a couple of days later she got a cold and cough (which she still has) which kept her up and night and the cycle repeats. In the middle of the week she also suffered from massive constipation (having moved her to follow on Milk - which we have now taken her back off of). That's fixed now, but now she has a tummy upset again.

The trouble eat she doesn't really eat much or get enough deep sleep and this is why she is so ill. When she is ill she doesn't want Milk and so takes forever to get better. Yesterday she had 23oz all day. She had Milk at 1am and then I offered again at 8am and she literally jus had 3oz. She just refuses anymore. Fair enough it's just her and lots of people don't feel like eating when she's poorly but we're stuck in this vicious cycle. We started weaning just over a week ago and we had a couple of days where she sort of humoured us trying a bit but she's decided food is not for her, so she just keeps her mouth clamped shut. I know it's still early days and I'm not worried in that respect but for some reason she just doesn't like eating very much.

The sleep has got so bad that last night she was up every twenty minutes. I am on my knees. DH is at work today so I've got DD2 asleep in the sling as we speak and DD1 is stuck in front of the tv with colouring. I feel that she's being neglected because of this but I have no energy. DH and I have been dealing with this in shifts but I have always needed 9 hours sleep a night to function and 8 hours to scrape through so anything else isn't enough. I seem to get between 3-4 hours of broken sleep a night. DH says he should do more but I don't feel he should. As tired as I am, he is in a manual job which has life threatening elements and needs to be able to focus. He is also exhausted. We have tried cosleeping but get even less sleep that way (I just don't feel comfortable with it so never manage to actually sleep).

The trouble is we are now so exhausted that we can't function in the night and don't feel "with it" enough to sleep train. We are literally like zombies and just can't focus so find ourselves muddling through. I wake up and don't even know what I'm doing. I also don't know that now is the right time to sleep train...she still has a cough and had a dodgy bottom again this morning!

That being said we have tried some sleep training but nothing has worked and she is just beside herself, hysterical with masses of tears no matter how gentle we are about it (i.e. Not done CIO). I know she needs to learn to self settle again and has bad sleep association but she is poorly and so I feel stuck.

I can't carry on like this. Thank you if you have made it this far (apologies for the essay). All ideas very very welcome!!

[MaverickSnoopy]

Thanks for the useful information. DD does have patches of dry skin and yesterday we noticed on her arm a very sore red looking patch. I've not actually seen what eczema looks like before so I've just had a quick google and wouldn't say it's anywhere near as bad as some of the images that were thrown up, although possibly some of the milder versions. She is definitely a snuffly baby though. She's had quite a few colds (which she gets from big sister) but between colds she always seems congested. Will definitely look into this more. Poos are still not solid and had put it down to her not eating very much but she has had some good days so would be expecting it to have come through by now....

[beargrass]

Sorry. Yes also agree on the lactose intolerance vs cows milk protein comment. I'm trying to work out exactly what it is that upsets mine, but I do that had I not put her on colief in the early days, her sleep would never have settled.

[beargrass]

Lactose intolerant - possible signs

Some eczema
In pain come 5pm. Screaming, though also hungry
Bit wheezy/snuffly

I think being constipated may be a sign but I'm not 100% sure. I wouldn't say mine was very very lactose intolerant but I think she has some intolerance and that it causes her pain and some issues

[froomeonthebroom]

Just read a bit more...so glad things seem to be getting better for you.

[froomeonthebroom]

I haven't RTFT yet but I really feel for you. I think if you could just get one night's sleep you will feel so much better about everything. When you are tired it makes things seem so much worse. Can you ask a family member or a sitter to help for one night?

[Doboopedoo]

I could have written similar about my little girl for the first few months - unsettled at night (following previous early good sleeping), only napping on me, silent reflux, etc. After establishing weaning and her having actual dairy products like cheese, yoghurt, cows milk in porridge, etc she had weeks of explosive diarrhoea, developed eczema and always seemed snotty and congested. At 9 months the GP recommended she went dairy free, and prescribed Nutramigen, and the symptoms cleared up. She's still dairy free at 18 months. She was formula fed from 5 days old but it wasn't until weaning that the problem became fully evident. Apparently this can happen with the less severe non-iGe allergies (as opposed to iGE allergies)

I'm just sharing our experience as if you are beginning weaning then it may be worth keeping an eye on symptoms. Speak to your GP if worried and don't be fobbed off by talk of toddler diarrhoea!

Also, big different between lactose intolerance (which is just the sugars in the milk) and Cows Milk Protein Allergy (CMPA), which is an allergy to the main protein in milk. Lactose intolerance is apparently rare in babies so if you do think it's an issue, then using lactose free products may not help.

(Sorry for war &a peace, especially if that's not an issue for you, but this whole thing has been a learning curve for me!!)

[MaverickSnoopy]

What are the things that make you think she's lactose intolerant? I'm having difficulty with working out whether she is. This morning she had another very runny poo even though she's being weaned. That being said she didn't eat much of anything yesterday (18oz) and about one baby spoon of baby porridge and in the evening 2 tsp of yogurt. I'm feeling quite lost with the food side of things.

She slept through last night for the first time in forever - 730pm - 700am!!

[beargrass]

So pleased! Mine is - I think - lactose intolerant. On colief from early age. Weaned off and all was well until she developed a taste for yoghurt...so now it's goat's yoghurt and awaiting tests. Just in case the same thing happens to you!

[MaverickSnoopy]

Ps apologies for the appalling typing...on iPad with DD2 in sling and DD1 off school ill and it's mayhem...predictive text doesn't help either!

[MaverickSnoopy]

I have a belated but surprising update. On Sunday night after she self settled at bedtime, she woke up 40 minutes later in hysterics, through sheer exhaustion I brought her in with me and DH slept on the sofa. I wasn't comfortable doing it and dozed in and out of sleep all night but she had a three hour stint and then a four hour stint. Then after some Milk she had another two hours!! The next night we tried her in her cot again, going back to the sleep training and she slept in bursts until midnight and then slept through until 7:30am - she woke up on her tummy for the first time! Every night since has been better. Last night she woke twice properly and only once needed a bit of help getting back to sleep. She's had a couple of nights with no milk too and she is nearly always sleeping on her tummy.

The health visitor came over yesterday and thinks that the cosleeping broke the cycle and that she has been wanting to sleep on her tummy and that now she is she is settling. We only moved her into the cot recently and before that she was in a large crib in our room which didn't allow her to roll over. So whilst I'm still twitchy about her sleep, I am hoping we have turned a corner and I have slept - lots! Now that she can do this and is better at self settling again (she woke several mini times last night for a minute or two and settled herself) I'm going to try the firs nap of the day in her cot. Although due to various plans this will have to wait until Monday. The HV dd say that we don't need to pay a sleep consultant because she provides the same service for free - she is incredibly well trained and I trust her implicitly.

So I'm feeling happier today and at the very least I have more energy to tackle this should it go crazy again and I will certainly be looking at the sleepyheads if it does. To the poster who asked if I really record everything, yes I do. Might sound crazy but it's not been onerous. It's in fact just notes in my phone. I did this because I couldn't remember when I'd been feeding her and she wasn't eating much so wanted to track it, this was how I realised she wasn't eating much. The HV had also said she wasn't getting enough sleep and to try to increase it and the only way I could remember what she'd had was to write it down! So I wasn't being weird, there were reasons behind it and I've actually found it very helpful.

Thank you everyone, I am so grateful for your advice. You have given me LOTS of ideas for the future which I do expect to draw on...hopefully not too soon (although now I've written down how well it's going I've probably shot myself in the foot). You saved my sanity.

I also spoke to the HV about milk and food. She thinks this dd just takes less than other babies (she was bf until 12 weeks and I still do one feed a day). So she has suggested we do food before milk but to include lots of dairy in her food. This worked well yesterday but dd was not impressed today and has hardly touched either milk or food today. She had 6oz at bedtime (730pm) yesterday, nothing though the night, then 3oz milk and just as midge of yogurt this morning, lunch wasn't much better. Perhaps she's full from yesterday. I had tried spoon feeding and blw but hadn't had success with either, now having marginally more success with blw so will stick with that.

We discussed the possibly of her being lactose intolerant because she keeps getting constipated and then diarreah. So she said if the pattern continues to try a tin of lactose free formula.

[lisaneedsarest]

My mantra was always never do anything for an easy life - i didn't always follow it but when I did it made life so much easier - so forcing myself to sleep train rather than take the easy option of rocking/holding/cosleeping (I've done it all!!!) meant that after a week or so of terrible sleep our sleep and the babies sleep was drastically improved and we all got more sleep as a result.
None of mine slept through the night at that age and my middle one who has always been a skinny minny needed a nightly feed until he was 18 months to help him keep full. But one wake up a night is so much better than 10!

[lisaneedsarest]

I feel for you, but it will get better. You are in a vicious circle but if you stick to some kind of plan it will help. Don't worry about dd1, she will be fine if she needs to sit and watch tv/colour all day for a few days it's really not the end of the world and once you are out the other side you'll be a better mum for both of them anyway!
I'd say stick with the sleep training you feel is working, controlled crying worked for my 2 ds's but didn't work for my dd so we tried a much more gentle approach and focused on the self settling going to bed initially.
I'd also go see your health visitor and tell them you are on your knees, there's no shame in it and we've all been there! They will be able to offer advice, support and point you in the direction of any services on offer. We have a free sleep clinic here and friends have raved about it (I didn't live in this area when mine were little unfortunately!)
Continue with the weaning but try a bit more baby led, and give her a spoon and let her go for it herself (messy but better for those independent spirited children!)
Have you tried changing her formula?
Obviously as someone else has said upthread don't change everything at once.
For daytime naps will she sleep in the pushchair/car? I'm sure you've tried it but it might give your legs some time to rest if she'll manage a couple of short naps that way.

[BagelDog]

Hints that worked for us were trying a sleepyhead, meant ours could co sleep but had their own space so removed the concerns about squashing them, as like you couldn't get the cot next to the bed as our cottage, though cute, has stupidly tiny rooms. And a sleep consultant. She didn't tell us a single thing we didn't know, but we had a week of daily Skype sessions with her, so really felt we had to stick to it as we had to chat about how it went int he morning, and we were such zombies that we couldn't find the energy to do it on our own. Went from co sleeping with a baby who would feed every hour or less, to him sleeping ten hours at night then another two after a feed. Took a week. No crtying it out. Life changing. Am now able to finish sentences and everything...! And yep a rolled up towel can improvise a sleepy head, or so can a swimming noodle float thing bent into a 'U' shape under the sheet. This is a hard patch as you are too tired to deal with what is making you so tired, enroll any help you can, and good luck xx

[beargrass]

OP had a bad night myself so thought of you. Someone's suggested a sleepyhead. Because they're expensive, if you're working through a list of what to try, you could also try a rolled up towel under the cot sheet to form a sort of cocoon. Bit like a sleepyhead. I forgot about it but have had to bring it back here today!

[mimiholls]

I agree with BIWI I would do one thing and do it consistently. If you decide after 3 days it's not working and try something else you've not given it a chance and she will be confused as to what you expect of her. I think what you mentioned you started doing with the night sleeping on Friday and Saturday sounds good and I do think if you stick with this relentlessly that you would see a big improvement. I would start with cracking the nights, make sure she is still getting naps in the sling during the day so she's not overtired. The naps will fall into place once she gets the hang of the nights.

[FATEdestiny]

I have a record of all sleep and food since she was about 9wo

Genuinely? Really?

Recording in that detail would make life far more stressful for me.

[totalturmoil]

Ps it's not cheap (£105) but will save your life and has great re sell value. I have 3 children and this is the only MUST HAVE in my personal experience. My 11 month old slept thro from 12 weeks and even when ill sleeps fine..... good luck

[totalturmoil]

I have your complete solution to co sleeping. A sleepyhead. Look up on Amazon. It's fantastic, makes co sleeping completely safe , makes them really cosy feeling and best of all you can put it anywhere and she doesn't mind where she is because she's in the sleepyhead which feels so secure and same ish.

[PossumInAPearTree]

When you say weaning you mention she clamps her mouth shut.....are you feeding her purée or have you tried baby led weaning? You may have more luck with the latter?

[Duckstar]

My first child was still walking every 1 - 1.5 hours at 7 months. I was on my knees with exhaustion. I hired a sleep nanny. Best £350 I ever paid.

I also hired a mother's help from 16 weeks who came 2 afternoons a week and use to hold my son as that was the only way he would sleep, and I use to go to sleep for 3 hours.

In some areas HV will refer to sleep clinics. As others have mentioned there is also Homestart volunteers, nursery for your eldest?

Sleep deprivation is the worst. I felt like a completely different person once my son started sleeping better, and it meant all the other problems were easier to tackle.

[LoveDeathPrizes]

I know because it's been my daily mantra for years! Some days you just need to muster the energy to give cuddles and love. So many sleep deprived people have been through what you're going through. You feel guilty so you try too hard but you snap, you shout, probably cry, feel even more guilty and the cycle continues. It's enough for your DD1 to just be you. It's January, you've a colicy baby, illness, exhaustion, pressure - it's a perfect storm. I really wouldn't worry about breaking habits and suchlike. Just batten down the hatches and huddle.

[toptoe]

tbh my dp has always had better luck getting dc off to sleep at night as with me they want to cuddle and feed - they associate me with milk. Dp does give bottles too, but they don't seem to associate him with producing the milk. So dp took over putting dc to bed and it worked wonders.

[MaverickSnoopy]

Yes we were considering a sleep consultant so I'll look into that too. I do feel like there's not enough consistency at the moment. There was, but now we're in firefighting mode everything is so blurred. I don't see how we can stop weaning though. She's 6.5 months with pretty much no interest in food or milk. My understanding of weaning is that whilst it's fun for now and milk is important, it's also important to get them touching and feeling food and that they do need to learn to chew. Also if she's not having much milk (and not sleeping because of it) surely we need to keep trying with the weaning. My other feeling is that we always say we'll wait for her to get better before trying something new, but it's one thing after another and it's lack of sleep which is preventing her from getting better (and lack of food that's stopping her from sleeping), so if we wait then I don't see the situation improving.

For som further context I have a record of all sleep and food since she was about 9wo and there is a clear pattern that when she has more than 29oz a day she sleeps 14 hours out of 24. I wonder if I need to shift her schedule but then I think that's me clutching at straws!

I like the nursery idea but unfortunately we can't afford it as I'm just going on smp, at least I don't think we can but we'll look into it.

[tricornel]

Can you afford to put them in nursery for a day a week and just sleep all day?

[BIWI]

It sounds really tough, and you have all my sympathy.

One thing that jumps out at me, though, is that you're trying all different kinds of things, not just with the sleeping but with the feeding as well. Perhaps you're confusing her?

Try doing one thing, and sticking consistently with it past just a few days to see if you can create a new routine with it.

And definitely get some help! I'd recommend, if you can afford it, that you hire a really good nanny so that you and DH can go and have a night in a hotel so you can both get a good night's sleep.