Im getting so angry when baby won't sleep, it's scary

[Littlef00t]

Please don't judge me , I need help. I'm usually such a placid person.

Dd 6mths is sleeping really badly and naps have gone out of the window, but feeding is now also difficult with low supply following illness.

All her crying around feeding and sleep is making me so stressed and this is turning to anger, particularly at bedtime and in the middle of the night when I'm so tired.

I find myself waking hearing her and thinking grrr for f sake! and once or twice shouted aaargh when she is writhing and screaming in my arms, but last night I shouted 'you fing bitch' during her impossible bedtime feed . I know this is completely unacceptable and I put her in her cot and ran and cried.

I usually calm down really quickly, although the calm doesn't always last long, but by then I have the sanity to get DH involved if I need support (he's great).

So, any suggestions about what to do to change?
Should I sleep train?
Should I do some kind of anger course?

I know I need to recognise it coming and hand off to DH before I get bad, but sometimes it seems to come on so fast I don't realise.

[Mal92]

Hi moms. I need some advice its took me a lot to do this but I have to as I'm struggling and didnt want people thinking I'm a bad mom. What it is I've got two kids already 8yr old 1yr old and my baby is 3 weeks old and I've hardly had sleep due to hom waking up in night and hes awake for a while takes me ages to get him back off I get mad I put him back in the cot and sit and watch him cry for a little am i nasty for doing that? One night it was 6hrs and I just gave up 2 sleep makes me so angry I have to put him down I duno how to deal with it all. And then I go mad at my partner for sleeping but I dont wanna wake him to help me as he has work. What can I do different how can I keep calm. Please help advice needed.

[Heatherbell1978]

Like everyone says, never underestimate what sleep deprivation can do. DS1 is about to turn 12 months and between the ages of 4 to 6.5 mths we had the dreaded sleep regression and it was hell. He never slept through the night before this but we would at least get 4 hours at a time. Then it was waking hourly. Every night for 2.5 mths. I cried, I could barely function. My supply also went down and DS1 became difficult to feed as he was so impatient waiting for my let down. So we switched to bottles around at around 5 months. I'm not saying he slept through immediately but it was one less thing to get stressed about (after getting over the fact I gave up bf which I loved in the early days). Then after one night of controlled crying he started sleeping through...wow. Although we had a few bouts of illness that got in the way but now he does 7pm to 5.30am with a dream feed. I'm tired but I function like a human. It does pass....really it does.

[purplemunkey]

This thread is nearly a year old do I doubt OP is reading . I hope she's getting more sleep nowadays.

However, it was nice to read this thread as with a now 9m DD I have got angry and sworn before when she won't sleep. Not so much now but definitely in the earlier months when her blocks of sleep were sooo short and I was getting up in the night sometimes three times and hour to re-settle her. It drove me bloody mad. I always felt so awful immediately after allowing myself to vocalise my frustration instead of perservering my shh-ing and calming words but I'm so glad to hear I'm not alone and I'm not a terrible person.

[justfivemoreminutes1]

Hi OP,
I really feel for you-I remember having similar feelings with my DD in the early days (particularly around feeding). I haven't read all the replies so sorry if others have already suggested-but I used to put in earplugs/my iPod to drown the screaming out while I was trying to calm her, it really worked as it enabled me to stay calm rather than getting wound up, which I think they pick up on
Good luck and don't beat yourself up, it gets a lot easier x

[SolasEile]

It's so hard. I am struggling with my DD's sleep as well. The worst thing is that I am now just starting to not even care when she cries because she cries so much. She can be howling in her crib and I just set my timer to 5 minutes and sit back and read the news while ignoring her completely. (To clarify - I didn't do this since birth obviously!! I have just started sleep training her in the last month because I couldn't handle the rocking and feeding all the time and it was making me resentful and angry).

It scares me that her crying just has no impact on me anymore but she cries SO MUCH and hasn't slept through since she was born that I am just immune to it now. It feels like she is the boy who cried wolf. I worry that she might be genuinely in pain with teething or a stomach ache sometimes and I'm not being sympathetic because she's just worn me down so much ever since she was born.

[lolalalabing]

All this sounds extremely familiar as I have a 10 month old frequent waker who I've shouted at and apologised to numerous times. I haven't slept for longer than 3 hours in one go since she was born. Ok, tell a lie, I slept for 6 hours the night she was born but I think I was still getting over the general anaesthetic I was given! Sleep deprivation is a total killer and since my daughter doesn't like cuddles, it's boob or nothing to get her back to sleep. Last week I asked my husband to join me in our bedroom for moral support during the night as he's taken to sleeping in the spare room. It has helped having him there in some respects but in others, I'm conscious that he has to get up for work so I don't let my daughter try to self settle so I'm perpetuating the problem in the long run. I've started to nap when she does in the morning but I go back to work part time in a month so it'll be much harder to rest up.

[ct148]

Completely sympathise with you OP. I've got a 3 YR old ds and a 9 month old DD. I seem to get so angry at my little boy really quickly & scares me & it makes me feel so down afterwards. DD is barely sleeping (who knows why this time) & so am starting to feel a bit depressed & down in the dumps. My ds has a lot of energy & feel like a rubbish mum cos I don't feel like I have the time or energy to entertain him during the day.

Re supply...I had really low supply when DD was tiny because I got quite poorly. I found expressing helped massively. And also fenugreek capsules and fennel tea. Sorry if someone has already suggested these, not had time to read the replies yet.

X

[Goldtop79]

To OP and Mallory82, I feel your pain.

My LO is coming on 18 months, co-sleeping and seldom goes to sleep before 10pm. Last night it was closer to midnight.

To say child fatigue has set in is an understatement. You love them more than the world, but it gets to the point where you are not given a chance to miss them.

Husband goes to work every day, gets to take a crap in peace, has his own time, sleeps in the spare room, gets a full 8 hours, and wonders why I have a hard time raising a smile in the evening when he does 1 hour with our child.

Of course, the baby knows you are stressed so Daddy is favourite person while Mummy is crying in the shower.

I too have snarled "oh for fuck's sake" at 3am when I am kicked in the head. Last night I put him in his cot in a darkened nursery just so he would cry and wear himself out. I felt like a cruel bitch but we all have our snapping points.

You get so tired of having them hang off your leg, your tit, on you in bed, wailing during the day, constantly ON you. It is exhausting and shreds the nerves.

Jetlag has nothing on a fatigue that burns from within.

I believe I will be a happier Mum when I can just get more than 5 hour's sleep. As it stands the only time I have to do anything during the day is when he naps (2 hours max once a day) or after he has gone to bed.

I want my body and my evenings back. I used to have a razor sharp mind and now it feels like trudging through treacle, every day. I am sure I am depressed and have some therapy booked.

My husband doesn't get it. He pays lip service to "maybe I could take him tonight so you can get some rest" but then as soon as he starts wailing at 3am, in he walks with him.

Initially when he was very small, he would leave me to do the bedtime routine completely while he crept downstairs guiltily to watch the news or something else. Now I have no qualms about handing him the child and saying "take him off my hands for a while".

I don't think it makes us bad mothers to need time out. It makes us human and our bodies need rest. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for this very reason.

As soon as my LO is weaned I am going to regularly take overnight stays away from the house so I can get some sleep in. I no longer care if he cries for 8 hours straight. Daddy can handle it. He's on solids. Feel like my sanity is at snapping point.

[Imeg]

Good luck with the sleep training - I think you've read my post where we have also ended up slightly unintentionally doing CC. I actually found it a lot less stressful listening to him crying from a distance while doing other things than walking up and down with a screaming distressed baby and being unable to soothe him. And last night I spent half an hour in the garden where I couldn't hear him while husband went in at regular intervals - I would definitely recommend this if possible.

[Mummytoagorgeouschops]

Could've written this post! Luckily DD now 13 months sleeps like a dream!

I vividly remember trying to get her to latch on and saying 'don't cry that you're hungry and then piss me about like this you little shit.'

Sleep depravation is sooo hard! I surprised myself too. My partner was absolubtely useless so in the end I had to switch to formula. I also took on the stance that if she was fed, clean nappy etc then h could just cry it out. I got chastised by my mother for this approach but I was at breaking point!! It worked and its the best thing I ever did. She would sleep on a washing line now!

Best of luck to you! We all know how tough it is

[Littlef00t]

Well decided I've been forced into some sleep training after she woke 5 times last night. If I'm in control I feel hollow and sad but not angry, and hopefully it won't last too long.

Still emotionally draining but hopefully all will be well in a week or two.

[Misty9]

You are most definitely not alone. I too get scared by how angry I feel sometimes. Like tonight when she wakes every time I put her in the crib after feeding to sleep. I also just feel like screaming, get her off me! sometimes, when she's been feeding for hours. I've no tips as still fighting it myself, but you're not alone.

[carolinementzer]

Sleep deprivation is the absolute worst! My DD could wake up to 8 x a night until she was 15 months old. I would get so angry, tearful and then disappoined at myself for not coping. My husband was always away with work so he couldn't help me either. Anger is totally normal when you're so tired. Don't beat yourself up. I've written a blog documenting our journey to get my daughter to sleep well - I'm sure there will be some advice on there that will help you. Here's our story if you're interested - mydaughterwontsleep.com/melissa/
There's also some advice on how to cope with sleep deprivation too.
I feel for you. It will get better. xx

[Littlef00t]

Thanks everyone, so great to see I'm not alone. I feel like I've started Angry Mums Anonymous.

Last night I endured an hour and a half of constant screaming, nothing would work to calm her, she only went to sleep because she ran out of steam BUT I just felt so sad and sorry for her rather than angry, a step in the right direction I guess.

Also think my milk supply is back up to speed so yay for that.

I'll speak to DH about doing bedtimes, I'm sure he'll agree it's a good idea. He gets home about an hour before bedtime and we usually have a little walk etc together, nice family time. I've asked him to take her out just himself for a while so I can relax without feeling on duty.

[Mutley77]

I think it would be fair for your Dh to do bedtime every night given you are dealing with all daytime naps and nightime waking. Once you have done the feed do something for yourself: a bath, a walk, meet a friend, cook dinner if that's relaxing for you.

However I have never tried to get my dc3 to sleep as I did find that stressful (and a potential flashpoint) with my older ones. I let the baby settle however works, at night usually in bed iwith me! So I can see why you are stressed by that as I personally can't do it. Occasionally I resort to driving or walking her to sleep during the day but generally it's sleep or don't, I can't cope with any sshhing patting etc.

[PetaPipa]

I've been reading the no-cry sleep solution in an attempt to get a better night's sleep, haha! She has a suggestion for increasing nap lengths, which you could try. It involves re-setting the baby's body clock basically, by getting to her as soon as she comes into a light sleep, and soothing her back any way that works. Gradually she should manage longer naps on her own again. As for the anger - it's the sleep deprivation talking, and is awful, but will pass. Have you family nearby who could give you a break? Just a couple of hours to yourself can do wonders!

[MexicanSpringtime]

Have you tried drinking lots of liquids to help the milk flow? After vomiting you might have ended up a bit dehydrated.

Vitamin B complex is very good for your nerves. When my dd was growing up in Ireland all of us mothers said it was the only thing that stopped us from murdering our children at times.

Sometimes a trick I use for horrible unavoidable situations is to pretend I am a masochist, with a how much can I take attitude.

Good luck, OP.

[Malory82]

I appreciate your honesty - I have done the same thing. Being a mama is a beautiful job, but at the point where you have tried everything, cannot ever get a full nights sleep or squeeze in a nap, and your patience is running on empty - it's natural you would be responding that way - like everyone said - sleep deprivation is a b!tch.

I am at breaking point with my daughter. Since forever, she has been an irritable eater, who needs to be practically force fed, and is becoming the worst sleeper - ever. Probably because she is hungry, too. At almost a year old, I have been breastfeeding since birth and am ready to chuck it in. My husband annoys me because from day 1 it was "give her boob" and I got suckered into the "breast is best". While that may very well be...I cannot go anywhere without having anxiety that she somehow won't eat her actual meals and that I need to be there as a backup plan, plus I have been sharing my body, my bed, my soul with this little person, and with no job to go back to (was retrenched), I am just exhausted. I am tired of being the bad cop. I want a life for myself too and I want to stop being climbed, and used as a dairy farm, and I want to be able to go out on my own without giving a sh!t if she needs milk! My husband does not understand how mentally and physically challenging having a baby has been. I love my child, I know that I need to get over my anger and love my child...but I too am at breaking point. Help.

[Littlef00t]

Emerald, agree totally with apologising. I apologise after shouting and after every nap for letting her cry. Makes me feel a teeny bit better about the situation.

Unfortunately DH can't do alternate nights, due to insomnia he's already struggling on sleep. He does occasionally take a wake up if I'm struggling.

I don't want to sound defeatist, I don't feel dead on my feet like I have in the past, it's like my tolerance for her crying has reduced as she got older and the crying got louder

Here's hoping for a good night, DH did all of the bedtime except the feed lovely man and I'm going to be hyper aware of how I'm feeling and hand off to him in huge night if I have to.

[CornChips]

I understand you. I do not know if this will help in your situation, but when DS was first born a friend of ours ( also a GP) suggested that we don't try and share the night time wakings each and every night. That we alternate days, so that one night I was up for the nights, and the next night DH was up for the nights. It meant that although one of us was up 7-8 times in the night we could more or less look forward to a sleep the next night. It actually worked quite well- except that at first I was hot wired to respond to the crying. Once I just settled back into the spare room (we would alternate who was in what bed too to suit) it was fine.

[emeraldgirl1]

No judgement at all here, I know exactly where your'e coming from. I have really struggled at times with DD's sleep and staying anything at all approaching calm, I too have as-good-as yelled (not actually raised my voice but hissed in a furious whisper) 'just go to FUCKING sleep!!!"

I hate myself about 12 seconds later and make sure I apologise to DD (even when she was probably too little to understand) - maybe doing this would make you feel better too? I mean, obviosuly what we all want to avoid is losing it in the first place, but I do think that IF you lose it, an apology is the right thing to do when you're feeling calmer. My own mother was a shouty, furious kind of mother ALL THE TIME with me and never once apologised so it's something that matters a lot to me.

I'm sorry you're struggling, as others on here have said and understand only too well, constant sleep deprovation is actually torture, and it's almost impossible to be a calm saintly mother when the little thing you adore more than anything in the world is the one torturing you!!

FWIW it WILL get better, but it is godawful while it lasts. I really hope you can put some support structures in place but most important of all don't feel bad, you are aware of the fact that shouting like that is not a good thing which is more than many many parents!!

x

[Littlef00t]

Thanks to those who suggest a night away. I may do, but my DH is struggling too, mh issues mean insomnia and she's feeding back to sleep mostly in the night so I don't think I'll look at that until I'm proper desperate.

It's odd. During the day I feel so sane, then it all comes back at night.

2/3 of her naps today she's fallen asleep within 15 mons which is a result. Maybe things are improving.

Ps sorry if I don't respond to points made in individual posts, I'm reading and considering them all but also trying to handle dd.

[Littlef00t]

Thanks kate, we've been taking her out for long car rides occasionally to ensure she doesn't get chronically overtired but I'd rather keep at improving cot naps as she used to be much better.

Ha yes land before time is v sad, but my username is an in joke with my tall bigfooted DH.

[Justgotosleepnow]

I feel for you.
Can you get a nights sleep in someone else's house/ hotel? You will feel a million times better on even one nights sleep. Baby will survive one night ok with daddy cuddles

[KateTheShrew]

Glad you're feeling better Littlef00t. That sounds like a good plan for the day.

One suggestion: the thing that seems to have got my DS taking longer naps (he was a 40 minute man for months) is putting him in his pram in the kitchen and putting the extractor fan in the cooker hood on. The noise seems to soothe him. It might not work for you but you've got nothing to lose by trying.

Incidentally, I cannot bring myself to watch watch Land Before Time ever again, WAY too sad (if that's not where your username is from then apologies for derailing!)