Why wont my 1yo sleep?

[MrsKoala]

DS is a sleep refuser. He sleeps fine and doesn't usually wake once he's eventually given in. But getting him to surrender to it is getting harder and harder. It now takes up to 2 hours to get him to nap and on average 4 hours to get him to sleep in the evenings.

He usually goes down (falls down more like) between 11pm-1am at night. Wakes about 8-10am, grumpy and tired. He then flops about the house whinging for 2 hours and used to go down for a nap waking for lunch all happy. But now he wont even go for his nap. It is 1.38pm here and i have been trying to get him to nap since 11.30am.

I just don't know what to do. He wont lay down or be held. He arches his back screaming and scratching/punching at my face. He is a big boy and very strong.

We co sleep so i don't have a cot to put him in and we don't do CC.

I used to be able to sing and rock him to sleep but the last few weeks it's getting harder and now seems impossible.

Any suggestions gratefully received. I seem to spend the entire day trying to get him to sleep. He loves the baby drop ins but is usually sleeping late or too tired/grizzly to go.

[noblegiraffe]

If he went to bed at a reasonable time you could do batch cooking in the evenings. At the moment you say you are spending up to 6 hours a day trying to get him to sleep - that could be usefully spent doing other things if you got his sleep sorted!

Unfortunately, that means you need to bite the bullet re getting up and nap times. If you get his nap sorted - a reasonable, short nap of under two hours, you won't be tied to the house for that long, freeing up the rest of the day. You might even get to the point where he can nap on the go, and if his nap is shorter than usual because you're out, just put him to bed earlier.

Tbh it's not really fair on him to mess around with his sleep so much to suit your lifestyle. He's grumpy, you're grumpy.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

I'm not sure if i could function with a life planned around DS's naps and being home for a bed time routine

I'm afraid you are going to have to if you want this sorted. It's a short term effort for long term gain. Once it's sorted you can go out where ever and whenever knowing that at least he's going to be getting tired at X o clock and you can put him in buggy and he will sleep.

You have no hope of getting any set day or routine or sleep if you carry on the way you are. That would be fine if it worked for you but it doesn't. Is being at home really worse than spending hours getting him to sleep? He sounds massively over stimulated and small children NEED some structure no matter what anyone says.

Honestly, it won't be for long, you can tweak accordingly once things are set in place and he will be so much happier.

[teacher123]

DS has his nap after lunch. He will have it in the car, haven't tried him in the pushchair for a while, but if he was tired enough I reckon he'd drop off. We do days out by going out 9.30ish after breakfast, go and do a thing, have lunch out then drive somewhere else so he can nap in the car etc. we always make sure we're home by about 6.30 so he can go to bed at a reasonable time. I figure they're only at this point for a reasonably short amount of time so am happy to revolve around him at the moment.

[MrsKoala]

Yes, i know you are all right. When i think of it, it's more a DH issue than a DS one. Our life is utter chaos and DH is a chaotic person. He struggles with time so cannot understand why we can't lay in till 10, spend an hour checking emails/working, have a cooked breakfast, get ready and go out and still have a full day out. We rarely are out before 1pm. I just can't get him to do anything at any kind of schedule. I can't leave him with the baby as he doesn't remember when he's eaten or slept. DH just does what he feels like as and when he feels it and we all fit round that. Its also why i cannot work :(

We had this whole conversation about setting a routine for DS when we return and no travelling for a while as it wasn't fair on poor overstimulated DS, which he whole heartedly agreed to. Then 30 mins later he said 'why don't we all go up to Glasgow for a long weekend when we get back' When i say no, he gets upset and i am the bonfire pisser outer yet again.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

That doesn't sound right tbh. As a dad he should be able to look after his own child. Is there abreasomnwhy he is like this?

Can you just let dh go out and you stay home? It's unfair for him to refuse to help then expect you to deal with the fall out.

[pumpkinkitty]

My DD is a bit of a sleep refuser. Like your DS she is a mosey little thing.

I have found she needs a long wind down. We read lots of books then she has a fish app in my phone she watches while she falls asleep for naps.

Night time is usually dinner, little bit of a play, in the night garden, bath time, a few long books then feed to sleep or watch her pabobo light while cuddling.

I know the bath is probably not a good idea for your DS bit could you do cartoons, lots of stories, watching a light show in the dark cuddling? I find it's enough to keep her entertained enough for her to not realise she's going to sleep but not so stimulating it keeps her up.

We also cosleep and NCSS didn't work for us. A loooooong wind down is the only thing that works for us

[MrsKoala]

Giles - DH is on the spectrum and finds anticipating others needs very hard.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Ok that makes sense now x could you let him go on his own and stay home with the baby? I know he might not like it but it's you that has to deal with it so really I think you G&t the right to decide this.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

G&t ffs dam phone. Get

[MsPickle]

I've a friend that sounds like you Dh who's now a father living overseas. Is love to know whether he's adapted!

Something that struck me from your posts is that if your Dh is away unless you go away you're stuck all on your own for weeks. It sounds to me like you need to build a day to day world for you and your ds that you can then invite your Dh to share. So you're going to be somewhere for a year. Decide that you're going to have a life there as well and how you want that life to be shaped-sounds as if that's what your Dh does. So, you need structure to support your ds. Make it. If Dh wants to sleep in and then work before a cooked breakfast, fine. You get up with ds, go and do something, treat it as brunch/his lunch and then it's nap time. You say that Dh isn't good at anticipating others needs so give him a rhythm to work around.

I faced a different set of circumstances but a similar problem with ds, that baby that NEVER slept! I finally went down the clock time routine path to save me from total collapse. He was younger than your ds but wasn't sleeping through at night so I was running on empty. Through a sheer battle of wills I established napping in his cot. Putting him down asleep to begin with. Then I was later able to flex it so as long as the meals happened at the right time he'd go to sleep. So breakfast at 8, lunch at 12, tea at 5. Dh struggled with this at weekends & I still have to be the clock watcher although dd is different. Dh hated that I'd get ds up even at the weekends for 8 am breakfast but I had to-it was me and my time with ds that was suffering. (The routine started when he still had a morning nap). 12 lunch could, once established, be out or in. The 5 pm tea and bedtime routine then made travelling easier as he'd go to bed in the car and we'd travel late transferring him asleep at the other end. Visiting people and staying with them didn't mean they had to follow the routine-I'd simply ask if it was ok that I fed ds at 8, 12 and 5 and figure out the least inconvenient thing for him to eat. And we were better guests as it was faster to get him down. He was far from perfect or an easy sleeper and at 4 still isn't amazing but so much better!

Sorry-jumbled essay and on phone so reviewing awkward, hope there's something useful above! Good luck!

[MrsKoala]

Thanks all i really appreciate it.

We've had a couple of better days but ruined it by taking DS out to the lake for the day so he ended up having three over 1 hour naps in the car. The last being 4.30-6pm so the chance of getting him to bed before 11pm is slim. If your babies sleep in the car how do you stop them napping?

I suppose the reason at weekends that DH doesn't go out without us is he wants to see us, but also if he did i would be housebound with DS all week and weekend, and have no adult company at all.

Once we get settled i will try to learn to drive again and that should help to start a better routine.

[noblegiraffe]

If there's someone else in the car, then they sit in the back seat and their job is to keep the baby awake.

If there's no one else in the car, nursery song CDs, lots of toys, and reaching back and poking the baby whenever you stop at traffic lights.

Or you don't leave till later, put them in their pyjamas in the car ready for bed and very carefully transfer them to bed at the other end.

It can be a bit of a military operation sometimes. I sometimes see people out with kids in buggies asleep in the afternoon and wonder how they will manage bedtime because I was constantly monitoring sleep.

[MrsKoala]

Well it turned into an utter nightmare last night. He didn't go down till 1am and it was a real battle. Lots of crying and lashing out. I'm never letting him nap that late again.

With the car (or buggy), we have never managed to transfer him from one place to another while sleeping. He is a really light sleeper where 'distractions' are concerned (sometimes loud farts/snores from DH can wake him up!) and the moment his eyes flicker and he sees people awake and doing something, he seems to get some second wind from somewhere and you can see him drag himself out of a lovely slumber to nose at what's going on

Singing seems to send him off to sleep, it's one thing i do when we are winding down and he shakes his head and says 'no' and runs away because he knows that's the start of the bedtime.

I had to sit in the front yesterday and give directions as we had no idea where we were going. But i will have to decamp to the back and start poking him.

I had another chat with DH and have said if we are going out for the day we HAVE to be out by 10 and home by 5pm and no napping for DS after 2.

It's nearly 9 here and he's still sleeping. I have to clean the whole flat as we are moving out tomo, so i am letting him sleep. The jet lag is going to fuck everything up anyway. So i will have to start a fresh on Sunday