Question for those of you who co-sleep or have done

[bumbleweed]

If your baby sleeps in the bed with you, do they stay up until you are ready to go to bed, or do you put them to bed earlier in the evening?

If the latter, do you put them down in a cot until you come up to bed? And do you still follow a bed-time routine?

Just wondering, as not really considering co-sleeping but getting totally fed up with trying to settle dd (who is 7 months old) to sleep on evenings where she is clearly not tired enough. She fights sleep unless she is really tired and if I put her in the cot she just cries and screams. I am sick of wasting hours picking her up and down out of the cot until she gets sleepy enough that I can bf her to sleep. Hours in which I get progressively more frustrated and upset, as she will not even be cuddled to a relaxed state - she pushes me away and fights to get out of my arms.

I just wondered about just abandoning the whole 'she has to learn that bed-time is bed-time approach' (because it simply isnt working) and taking her back down stairs until later on those evenings.

What do people think?

[sfxmum]

bumbleweed you just keep doing what feels right i agree with kiskidee there are some good books out there on the subject.
i read Dr Sears and Penelope Leach while pregnant and it really helped me understand what was going on with my lo, even through that awful daze, that are those first weeks.

one thing i really liked was that i got back to work a few weeks back and dd was perfectly happy to stay with dad waving at me and zero tears. i am proud of my confident happy child, its worth the hard work

[kiskidee]

i just read your last post and found it poignant. my dd is never left to cry and everyone always comment on what a confident and happy baby she is. she is now 14 mos. even tough ole dh who comes from the 'cry it out tradition' is now a complete convert.

[kiskidee]

bumbleweed, all babies come into a light sleep after 30 mins and 'wake up' to check that everything is all right. Everyone does it throughout the night and don't remember doing it. when your dd goes off to sleep then 'wake up' try being right there for her. feed her back to sleep etc. do whatever it takes. I leave the room when mine has dropped off and then come back in time for her 'wake up'.

as time goes on, you can just pat/ soothe her back to sleep without lifting out of cot/bed and then as they get older and more confident, will come into the light sleep and not need you there.

this is roughly following in the methodology of Elizabeth Pantley's 'The No Cry Sleep Solution'. Maybe you can get some more tips from there.

[bumbleweed]

Its really lovely reading real examples on here of how the 'attachment' style of parenting really works in practice. I hadnt even heard of it until dd was about 6 weeks old and I started reading every book I could get my hands on to work out what on earth I should be doing with this crying baby, and of course I found MN.

I really hope the fact that she is always in my arms, never left to cry, we are doing baby-led weaning, breast feeding etc will all pay off in the long run in helping her to be confident and secure. Its hard when most people in real life believe the exact opposite and never tire of telling you their silly advice " ooh she's a madam isnt she, she's got you wrapped round her little finger, I would just leave her to cry if I were you and get some kip blah blah blab...."

I just wish I was as calm and self-assured as you guys all seem to be

[Adorabelle]

mimimimi, yes she is my one & only child. Dh & I
probably will have more but that's a long way off
yet,want to wait at least another 5yrs & by then
may not want more.

I'm sure you can have this style of parenting & more than 1 child, have read posts from some who
have Huge futon beds on floor & they all sleep on it together! Sounds great to me, but different
stokes...

Am sure if you do decide to go for no.2 it would
all work out fine, things have a habit of just falling into place. You sound like a lovely mummy
so if you want another baby Go for It!!

[sfxmum]

hi KVG nice to see you are going to the zoo meet up
(sorry for hijack)

i often wonder what it would be like with a second child. dd has just turned 1 and since i am in my late 30's we better hurry up.
i still bf last thing but would like to move that bf to before bath and get dh to settle her once in a while.

i find that this sort of baby led attachment type parenting leads to much calmer children, dd is very chilled out and easy to comfort, no whiny baby here, i think it does pay off.i can also see than on niece and nephew who are now teens.
but i must say i could not have done it without dh, we agree on what and how we want to do things and keep each other sane, major plus

[mimimimi]

adorabelle - i do exactly the same with my 27month old dd - it works so well, always has - i just wonder sometimes how long this will be going on for! i don't know anyone else who does this sort of thing (extended bf, co sleeping....)
may i ask: is she your first child as well (i sometimes wonder what would happen if we had a second one, but bf is keeping me from trying for no 2 :(

[sfxmum]

never mind those looks
someone told me that the only babies who perfectly sleep through are in books or are other peoples'

it is hard but it does improve, i sometimes have to make sure i take a deep breath and forget about what i would like to be doing and just be in that moment doing that the best way i can
god that sounds awful hippy

[bumbleweed]

thanks guys - I know it is hard isnt it, and when you are in the middle of one of these phases it prob feels worse than it will with hindsight.

Its just when most of the mums you know give you that look .. you start to doubt your own parenting.

Hopefully it will pass. Thanks for all the replies it really helps to hear other experiences.

[sfxmum]

oh yes and she is 12months now
i hope you find a way that works i just feel they have easier times and harder times

[sfxmum]

i know how tiring that can be, you have my sympathy.

we co slept with dd for the first 6-8 weeks, before we got into any sort of routine (useless before then imo) cc not an option for us either.
she mostly sleep on a bedside cot and sometimes moves to our bed during the night.

we started by doing sequence of events rather than stick to time. she would have a bath followed by bf then put to sleep, preferably still slightly awake but not always. i like an easy life.

since then this has worked quite well and mostly she is fairly easy to get to sleep. however at the start it took well over an hr, often 2 with a few wake ups in between. we have easy periods and trying periods.
what i don't do, is take her out of the bedroom once we have gone in to settle for the night. its hard and i have to summon all my 'stay calm' skills but i think its better for me. i sing quietly i read softly rocking her gently sitting on my lap and eventually it works.
i have found that on the rare occasions i have taken her out of the bedroom it sort of sets a precedent and the following day she keeps pointing at the door.
don't think there is a magic solutions and it is bloody hard work

[Adorabelle]

My 2 yr old dd is still bfed to sleep.
Wait till she is totally zonked then put her in her cot.
If she wakes dh will try to settle her by holding her hand in cot & stroking her head. If she really isn't going to go down i'll either feed her agagin or just go to bed myself with her.
Even if she does go down in her own cot, she'll wake through night & come straight in with us. She's never gone to sleep on her own & I certainly don't think i've failed. See it as tending to her needs & doing whats best for her while shes still so young

[bumbleweed]

So for the last 2 nights we have tried putting her to bed early because she has been so tired and fussy during the afternoon. But she only stays asleep for half an hour, treating it like a nap and is then wide awake again and unable to settle.

So we have tried bringing her downstairs to play until she seems tired again - the only thing is she has been up till 10pm, looked exhausted by the time she eventually gave in, and only slept till 7am.

Is there any alternative to leaving them to cry themselves to sleep? - as this is a big no-no, and yet I feel it isnt something she is able to self-regulate in the same way as food intake.

We are both v tired and worried about where we have gone wrong! Without her feeding to sleep I feel totally useless - I literally have no way to get her off.

[bumbleweed]

funny you should say that KVG but that's been dh's tactic for the last 2 nights - just letting her play on the big bed until she is tired when she starts crying and my boobs are summoned.

thanks for letting me know I am not the only one with a manic baby!

[bumbleweed]

I am now starting to think a later bed-time may be a good idea, as dd wakes quite early (6 - 6.30am), as well as 2-3 times during the night. Thanks for posting you guys.

[CarolinaMoose]

me and ds both go to bed around 9pm and have done for ages. He is 19mo now.

He wakes up around 7.30-8am, which is a whole lot better than waking up at 5.30 IMHO and worth the lack of child-free evenings for me. I read a book in bed when ds has fallen asleep.

[bumbleweed]

hi milward, did he sleep while you were carrying him?

[bumbleweed]

tatties, thanks for the suggestion, i notice from reading other stuff on here that most bf mums feed lying down esp at night. I have tried but dd not interested - just pulls my hair and nips me and wants picking up - prob because we didnt do it from the start.

KVG, do you mind me asking how old your dd is? if she fights on and off the boob, what do you do to calm her down and get her off to sleep?

last night she was well tired at tea time (6pm ish) so quick bath and into bedroom by 6.45pm - but took till 8pm before finally asleep - I managed to do it without getting stressed myself this time - but without her falling asleep on the boob I feel I have no more tricks up my sleeve, she is too big to rock any more, no room in the house for pushchair-parenting, and so just have to let her play and fuss until finally gives in.