Shall I move DS,13, state to private because he's doing nothing?

[Literallynoidea]

Bit of a panic here. DS is at a top state secondary - one of those ones parents fight to get their DC into. He is very bright and good at rugby and loves school normally.

But during lockdown he has successfully managed to do fuck all. Despite my best efforts (I also have a full time job as does DH, plus other children so can't be all over him as I have zoom meetings for much of the day) he has done the minimum and I am worried about his future.

The school does one or two zoom lessons a week and the rest of the time, the children are just set work by their teacher and they have to do it. He is late on submitting it and spends most of his day surfing the net, apart from the ten times a day I come in and read him the riot act/say let's go through what your plan for the day is.

Should I send him private? It would kill us but we could just about do it with some work behind the scenes.

Are private schools seeing places open up that weren't there before because (eg foreign) parents are pulling out? Or will there not be the places.

Would it be a mistake because his (usually fabulous) school will improve by Christmas? And I might only be able to get him into a second rate one?

Anyone else in the same boat? I'd love to hear.

[Literallynoidea]

Thanks Marsha! My other DC have gone back and changed overnight - a joy to see.

Really wishing between now and September would speed up.

Thank you

[MarshaBradyo]

Me too. The flip is so marked. The y5 is mostly ok but for teens it’s harder.

[Embracelife]

Surely more cost effective to get tutors or uni students to come in and work with and encourage them while you working?

[Mumto2two]

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

And l did live lessons, but only 8% of the class showed up.

That’s the scenario we were seeing with the grammar we turned down. What lies behind it I really don’t know, but the girls we know who are there or at other state schools, seem to have spent the last few months generally doing very little. The odd video here and there, and returning some work that is being set each week, but certainly nothing as structured and routine as with the many private school parents we know. It did get me thinking...is it harder to motivate 180+ kids per year group, than it is to say..60?
And if you’re paying for it, you expect more of course...and generally the child knows that too I’d imagine. Our children are certainly well aware of the sacrifices we make to send them privately. Perhaps it’s the embodiment of that culture? We know people who are quite wealthy, but abhor the notion of private school; they pay their taxes so there’s no way they are paying any more...one child at grammar, and the other at the local upper. Eldest left the same upper last year with a BTEC of some sort and is now at an art college somewhere...not sure they are too happy, but they’ve had some great holidays and drive top of the range cars...

[Murmurur]

Depends on the school surely. Some schools are managing better than others, and I suspect more private school are offering more online but I think there is a huge element of a lottery. Our DD's state school online academic lessons look more or less full to me. They are still doing registers and chasing work with individuals. It's phenomenal. And if I happened to be paying for it, I'm sure confirmation bias would ensure I felt it was money well spent.

[flourandeggs]

@mumto2two we all have an anecdotal example that fits with what we need to believe. Here is mine. My neighbour has paid £15K this term for her 3 children to sit in front of one screen on zoom occasionally putting a thumb up to show they aren't on instagram / fortnite on another screen on their lap(which they are, grandparents are paying the fees so she seems fairly unconcerned.) They are pale from hours spent indoors. They have no local friends and parents are working so can't drive them to meet them. They look sad - she says they are sad. Meanwhile my brown as a berry vitamin D fortified rabble do their work in the morning - effective well thought out asynchrous work with the odd synchronous session - then race off to spend the afternoon biking 8 miles, swimming in the river, doing craft activies in the garden with gaggles of friends from their local comp and grammar. I know what I personally would rather for them right now but that feels right for me and my children, and no one way is right. Please don't judge on educational sector, there are many ways to learn and many ways to be happy and some fabulous state school support going on. I would happily pay for our experience over the last few months.

[Mumto2two]

@flourandeggs - I don’t ‘need’ to believe in our experience. It is what it is.
I was merely mulling the myriad of possible reasons why some schools and some children, were having such different experiences. Of course that doesn’t mean every school fits that narrative, but around here, the private package does seem to be faring better. Thankfully of course, for us!

[Mumto2two]

And just to add with regards to your ‘sad’ neighbour’s children, I don’t know a single child who has been planted in front of a zoom screen all day, and find it hard to imagine that it’s a school directive. And that’s knowing children and parents from a very wide selection of private schools. They are all very much aiming for a balanced approach, and they are ALL getting plenty of outdoor exercise too...

[PermanentCobOn]

Interesting as I have 2 boys and I see this all the time. My DS's are surrounded by really bright boys, but they just can't be arsed. They just don't get it. Mine go to a private school and their friends parents spend a fortune on their education, but they are just not interested. I just wouldn't waste my money if they didn't care. I've told mine many times that they day they take their private education for granted is the day I pull them out.

[flourandeggs]

I was questioning what 'better' might mean, and making sure that you are aware that 'better' can mean different things to different people. My children will never forget this time - they have kept their brains active in the morning and acted out famous five with immense freedom and wonderful friendship in the afternoons, what more could a child ask for!! Perhaps not the ultimate education, but what a fabulous childhood.

Not sure why you felt it necessary to snidely accuse your 'friends' of having nice holidays and driving decent cars above prioritising education. You can get a fabulous education in state as well as private, and an awful one in private as well as state (I should know, I boarded in the 1990's at a top school, curriculum was heavy on chemistry (narcotics) biology (human reproduction) and psychology (low grade bullying of children from both staff and peers, racism, snobbery, ingrained misogyny ) I, mostly, had a ball, but not sure it was worth the money in educational terms and I was sad not to have local friends to act out famous five with in the holidays. So perhaps your 'friends' don't see private education as the only way of learning and being happy either! Live and let live.
Many parents and teachers hate the zoom classes and the recent (rather hurried) educational data seems to show that it is a fairly inadequate teaching tool but rather nice feel good/childcare/way of making children feel they are part of a community /justifying hardly reduced fees. I have a friend who is deputy at a top prep who is worried about her teachers' mental health after pulling 14 hour days so that parents stop bugging them about why they are still paying such vast sums of money. Of course parents at your local grammar aren't receiving the same service, their school doesn't have to justify fees and pull out all the stops, and the teachers aren't receiving the same snotty 'I am paying for..' and 'I wasn't sure about how you taught xxx in that zoom maths class' emails that my friend is receiving.

[Mumto2two]

That wasn’t intended to be a snide comment; (certainly no more snide than your reference towards your poor neighbour’s ‘sad’ children) it’s simply a matter of fact. They don’t want to pay for education, because they feel they are already paying, and don’t want to sacrifice their nice holidays & big cars. And that’s completely their choice. Just as it is ours.
Is it not possible to mull things over and discuss points here on mumsnet, without jumping on a post in arrogant defence? I am sharing OUR experience with this and OUR observations, and by doing that, I am not suggesting that this is the same for everyone else.

[Mumto2two]

@PermanentCobOn - This is what I have often seen also, which was one of the reasons why I wondered whether a family experiencing some form of ‘monetary sacrifice’, made it somewhat more meaningful? I know some people where school fees was small change; not even a planned event of family deliberation etc., just a way of life that they would automatically be going to private school, and it’s been quite different compared to the families we know, who like us, have had to make huge financial sacrifices, and the choice was fully deliberated as a family. I’ve also seen this with families where fees were being paid by grandparents...one child moved from a Grammar to our daughter’s private school in year 9, hoping it would change her ways. Caused absolute havoc for 2 years, flunked her exams and was refused a 6th form place. She just didn’t care...and of course didn’t have to experience any financial consequence. due to the generosity of her grandparents paying fees in full! Of course this is all anecdotal...but it did make me wonder!

[flourandeggs]

@mumto2two course it is ok to mull things over on mumsnet but you might find that without the nuance that conversation gives people get a bit offended by your comments - we are in the could afford it categoryet (just! We have a fair few children!) but we love what local schools give our gang and love the unpressured envrionment, but the comment about fancy cars and flash hols put my back up as people often roll that out as an example of what silly people are choosing that over education. We choose not to pay for school but we love educational travel experiences and volunteering and drive dodgy cars and save money for Uni and house deposits because we really want to give that to our children. Final note as I must try and round up the kids and cook supper, my neighbour described her children as sad at being stuck indoors online learning all day, not me. And her eldest is doing a btec at his (at normal non-Corona price) 6.5k a term school because he is dyslexic and it suits his way of learning and she really rates the btec and says the way that it is run suits him much more than his 2 a level subjects. Horses for courses. Btecs are on the rise because they are a great warm up for real working environments, so maybe respect them a bit more, and art college too! One of my family members has just finished at Eton and is off to art college - his parents are delighted he has found something he is passionate about.

[Mumto2two]

@flourandeggs Thank you, I understand. Given the huge array of experiences people mention on here..and indeed we too have family that are lucky enough to have a superb local state school for their children, such that they think we are somehow mad paying the money we do. It just highlights how inconsistent our entire educational system is.
With regards to art college, I did think I ought to add an addendum on that! I completely support any child who wants to pursue a creative passion, creativity is massively underrated I feel. It’s just that this particular child was really clutching at straws in the end, had no direction and little advice from the school..hence their unhappiness and apprehension as to where they were going.
Again...horses for courses as they say!

[flourandeggs]

@mumto2two ...he'll be fine! My husband left the aforementioned top boys boarding school with not an A level to his name, drifted aimlessly around the world for a few years then found something he loved and went at it with all barrels firing and is now very well respected in his 'keyworker' field. Some kids just need to let it all go for a while before they reel it all back in again! Have a lovely evening. X

[Mumto2two]

I guess that’s the key. Finding their passion. Let’s hope all our children fare well at the end of it all. Have a lovely evening too x

[OverTheRainbow88]

I wouldn’t, and I’m a teacher myself. If he’s in a free top state School, why cripple yourself financially? Lots of usually studious students are disengaged at the moment, they bounce off each other at school! He’ll get his mojo back once there in sept! Also if you have other children would it help to get them in that great state school if he’s still there as a sibling?

[ittakes2]

He's 13 - I am sorry I think you are over thinking this. If he is as you say in a good school than things will change when he does back physically to school. My son is at a good grammar and I was getting worked up about him studying for his maths end of year assessments. His maths teacher told him not to worry too much his mental health during this time is more important.

[EmpressoftheMundane]

I have children in two different private secondaries in London. During lockdown, both have had a structured day with form sign in and then a timetable of lessons. I’d say on average, 4 hours of synchronous lessons each day. Homework is marked. One school has had a form teacher reach out to me three times to make sure I had no concerns. The other school nothing. But in neither case am I concerned.
The downside is that this is expensive.
In your son’s case, the structure would likely help him. But, fitting into a new school is always difficult and trying to jump into a whole new set up remotely sounds really tough. If you have a great school that’s free without the stigma of private school, I’d stick with that. Hopefully we will be more adapted to the new normal come September, and your son certainly won’t be the only child to have lost motivation and done very little during lockdown.

[ForeverbyJudyBlume]

I really feel for you, OP, I have two motivated teenagers at a private school which has really pulled its finger out and every day thank my stars every day for this. But just FYI, a lot of friends with kids at the same school say their boys are doing the bare minimum checking in to Zoom classes and then muting and going onto Fortnite and doing the bare minimum. Even my goody-two-shoes dc does their work in minutes and then piss about online for the rest of most lessons. They say they've learned 50 per cent what they usually do and are by now climbing the walls with boredom. Since it's normally a great school I would definitely hang in there until September. Good luck!

[Literallynoidea]

Thank you all PPs - I haven't checked back here for a week but appreciate the above replies.

I have calmed down and, as several of you say, realised that it IS a really good school (when he's there!) and he does love it, and do well (rugby team, prefect blah blah), so it would be madness to gamble all that for something that will leave us no money in the pot that he might not even like.

Am I the only one counting down to September? We have nine weeks til the last of our tribe goes back....