Shall I move DS,13, state to private because he's doing nothing?

[Literallynoidea]

Bit of a panic here. DS is at a top state secondary - one of those ones parents fight to get their DC into. He is very bright and good at rugby and loves school normally.

But during lockdown he has successfully managed to do fuck all. Despite my best efforts (I also have a full time job as does DH, plus other children so can't be all over him as I have zoom meetings for much of the day) he has done the minimum and I am worried about his future.

The school does one or two zoom lessons a week and the rest of the time, the children are just set work by their teacher and they have to do it. He is late on submitting it and spends most of his day surfing the net, apart from the ten times a day I come in and read him the riot act/say let's go through what your plan for the day is.

Should I send him private? It would kill us but we could just about do it with some work behind the scenes.

Are private schools seeing places open up that weren't there before because (eg foreign) parents are pulling out? Or will there not be the places.

Would it be a mistake because his (usually fabulous) school will improve by Christmas? And I might only be able to get him into a second rate one?

Anyone else in the same boat? I'd love to hear.

[DissTemper]

Wouldn't it make more sense to get ad hoc tutoring now - rather than move schools?

[Allington]

Why are you letting him game or go on youtube when he hasn't done the work you expect?

Remove devices. Make clear that he can have them as soon as his work for the day is complete. He can come and tell you when he's finished, you can check he has done it.

[Fightthebear]

I’ve moved DS in Y8 from a state comp to a private school during lockdown.

Clearly all schools are different so it very much depends on the provision each is offering. But his private school are really pushing him, online lessons from 8:30- 4 everyday.

But this is only a temporary home schooling situation and it sounds like you can’t really afford it? I’d be inclined to find a tutor for key subjects to give him 1-to-1 attention/accountability instead.

[user12699422578]

Ok, so you are literally sitting there waiting for the teachers to discipline him for you? And when they don't parent him on your behalf you do nothing?

The solution to this problem is that you give your child consequences for not doing the work, rather than trying to outsource parenting.

Of course they don't follow through on their assurances to work hard when they know their parents are just going to shrug and look helplessly at their teachers to do something.

[DuckALaurent]

The problem here is his work ethic. That won’t change if you send him private.

Secondly you’re panicking and opting for drastic action that will cost a fortune and won’t change his work ethic. That comes from within him and is something you’ll need to try to instil in him.

This is up to you to solve. He’ll react the same to any school but you need to change the way you parent him to reinforce that hard work pays off.

It’s frustrating when you have a child whose work ethic doesn’t come naturally but that doesn’t mean swapping schools will help.

[Georgielovespie]

Unless your zoom meetings involve confidential/safeguarding then he now sits in the same room as you (or you threaten it) and he can do his work where you can see his screen.

Stop expecting school to do it all. If the above is not possible then when you finish work he has to be where you can see his screen and he completes any work not done.

I am assuming is is year 8 which is known as the coasting year because the year 7 novelty has worn off. Explain to him that when he returns to school he may be moved down into lower sets or not able to choose the options he wants as you need a particular grade.

Also this weekend, he doesn't get to game or play but do his homework instead. Even if that means a parent sitting with him in shifts. And tell him that his summer holidays will also be spent catching up his school work.

[GuyFawkesDay]

It's not the schools fault your son has no self discipline.

You need to parent this better. It's not up to a school to solve this issue for you. You don't get to outsource parenting because "I have to work"

Take the devices or block the site's he's spending all day on. Work from home and demand evidence of work every hour. Contact his form tutor and year head.

Moving him to private will not solve the issues, just move them elsewhere.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Can you afford for all three of your kids to go private? If not, why does the lazy one get all the resources spent on them? Why not the one who is brilliant at maths or the one that struggles at English?

[borntobequiet]

I’m teaching remotely (FE) and it’s interesting who is engaging and who is not. Those who engage are actually getting far better, individualised provision than if they were in class. But there’s absolutely nothing I can do for those who wilfully won’t make the effort apart from initial follow ups and encouragement.
Your DS sounds like one of the latter. You’d be wasting your money going private. As pp have said, you have to step up here, be firm, use sanctions, make it clear he has to do the work.

[HathorX]

Don't change school. It's an overreaction and it will make him miserable. I expect he probably is not much different to other kids his age, my nephew is very similar (extremely bright, fairly arrogant and just plays, smurfs or chats online pretty much all day).

I suggest you calm right down, back right off. Tell him, fine, he is going to have tutoring through the summer online, his fault for wasting a term.

Then tell him his "job " is school. Since he isnt doing his job, he needs to do smooth else. Hit him with a huge list of chores, cut off his internet access at 1 hour a day if he doesn't do them.

Don't rant at him . Just make it a statement of fact.

I remember my mum unplugging my brother's PC and chucking it in the bin on several occasions, because gaming and coding didnt seem more important to her than sleeping. As it turned out, he cruised school being lazy and absent, aced all his STEM subjects anyway, went to Oxbridge to do maths and is now a very well paid IT consultant, living a great life on the Continent. My point is, your son probably isn't ruining his life if he is as bright as you say, you are just going to sound like a ridiculous harpie and will lose all credibility for moaning on. A 9 in Latin isn't going to be a deal-breaker in his life, unless he dreams of becoming a Classics scholar.

Just chill. It will be fine, give the lad some headspace and some credit.

[Mumto2two]

I can understand your concerns OP. A sense of structure to the school day, can be hugely motivating in itself, and in that sense, our daughter’s school has been brilliant. Having the digital ‘edge’ to enable this, is not something most state schools can offer. It was also the final decider for us on secondary in September. Having had initial concerns regarding financial security after Covid, we realised the highly sought after grammar we had a place for, was way behind this compared to our independent school option, so we turned it down.

[Literallynoidea]

Thanks all, some really helpful suggestions here and I'm on the tutoring case already.

[theproblemwitheyes]

In the kindest possible way, why is tutoring a better option than just putting rules in place and disciplining your children? Paying someone else to spoonfeed them won't do them any favours when it comes to learning good work behaviours, which they'll desperately need for uni and later in life.

[GuyFawkesDay]

Oh it's ok, you just throw money at the problem at it disappears!!

The tutoring may help but you definitely need to put your foot down. In a nice way.

6 weeks is plenty of time to do some catching up.

[chocolatorange]

Hi I sympathise. Not sure private school makes much difference if you're usually happy with the school. I try hard to support and encourage my kids but my 13 year old daughter, in a good academic private school, is just like this OP. My husband and I are both key workers with me out all day and him home sometimes but a bit laid back about the kids' schoolwork. My older daughter is highly driven and conscientious and my younger one just does what she likes. They've both always been like this despite the same firm parenting.
I pestered the school as I didn't think she was doing enough. Initially they said she was ok, then said she was missing handing in work etc. and not logging in to school some mornings. I read her the riot act with penalties and she improved for a couple of weeks, now has started sliding down and is due another riot act.
I spoke to her head of year who said to be honest they didn't usually have many new learning objectives for Y8 this term. She said they usually revise for exams (cancelled), sit the exams, go through the exams, have a one week local school trip, sports day etc. So the teachers are teaching them Y9 material for want of something to do, but there was an undercurrent of her saying don't worry about it. My daughter is otherwise cheery and lively, helping with housework and doing exercise. My other daughter is doing all her schoolwork well but moody and housebound. I feel like we just need to love them and support them and get through this patch.

[Murmurur]

Go through form tutor/head of year. A great school won't leave him to flounder. It must be incredibly hard for students who are just being set work to do by themselves. Mine has online teaching through her state school so a full timetable, and we time our breaks to have a chat with her, take her out for walks etc in a vague attempt to keep us all sane.

I don't think changing school or tutors are the answer. Engage with his teachers who already know him. He won't be the only one in this boat.

[FishyDuck]

I agree that private schools are usually better at encouraging a strong work ethic simply due to the fact that most pupils are hardworking and ambitious.

However, I'm not sure why you're letting him get away with doing nothing at the moment. All of my DC know that screen time is contingent on study- they each have a set amount of time that they are expected to spend on homework/revision each weeknight and weekend. So DS in year 10 for example has to do 2 hours' work per evening and 3 hours over the weekend. This will increase to 2.5 hours and 6 hours in year 11.

Only then can he ask permission for screen time (phone, gaming and TV) and he is allowed 2 hours during the week and 8 hours over the weekend provided he has done the amount of study we expect. Any extra screen time has to be earned!

DD2 is in year 8 and she only gets 1.5 hours' screen time during the week and 6 hours over the weekend in return for 1.5 hours' of study per weeknight and 2 hours over the weekend- any more screen time she has to earn.

[Sweetnhappy1]

@Literallynoidea I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on this thread. If you and your partner are working full time already it's really difficult to watch over three kids and control what they are doing. I'm not sure how people are managing to police screen time so well when they are in another room working. I think for parents who are not working or furloughed, although the homeschooling is difficult it's nowhere near as difficult for people who are trying to simultaneously hold down a job.

My year 7 daughter is at a private school and has been having full days of live lessons since lock down started. They even did 'open book' exams and if she was missing stuff the school would be telling me about it. My year 4 son is at a state school and doing barely anything. Some of the local state schools are doing quite a bit but unfortunately that is not the case at our school. For him we are considering moving him to a prep for next term because I'm well aware that the local prep were offering online lessons and now has them all back in school and the routine would be good for him. It looks like the state schools may go back in September but if there are local lock downs I'll probably end up moving him to a school who are able to cope with online and in person learning. As a keyworker my children could have gone to school for the childcare but my son would still have done no work which would not have been the case if he was in one of our local preps.

It sounds like you're on a good path with the tutoring, good luck with it all xxx

[TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince]

I’m a secondary teacher at one of the top U.K. secondary schools.

I set piles of work. I think about 20% are submitting anything. The majority are submitting nothing,

It’s very hard for them l think. I have a 13 year old dd. She was super hardworking at school, but she’s kind of lost her engagement as it’s gone on.

[TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince]

And l did live lessons, but only 8% of the class showed up.

[artisanparsnips]

We have a DD - yr 8 - at private school and even with live lessons every day and teacher engagement it's still hard work. She got really behind before half term and we had to intervene.

Don't forget, it's incredibly disheartening for them too; as an adult I'm finding motivation hard and I know I'm not alone, so one thing we have tried is to be sympathetic as well. AKA yes I know it is all shit but that doesn't mean you can't do the work. Go away and do it.

But yes also to no screen time until work is done. We check in on the online system (our school calls it the VLE) and work out what needs doing with her, and check in again at the end of the day. This is not a punishment but teaching her self-organisation skills.

Also, phone has Ourpact on it and is locked down between 9 and 1, and 2-4.30. Finally, DH has the power to look at her screen from his and so can see when she is surfing or messaging too much and tells her to stop. She knows Zoom and messaging will be removed if she over-uses them.

[Sweetnhappy1]

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

And l did live lessons, but only 8% of the class showed up.

That must have been really disheartening for you. My son's teachers are actually putting in a lot of effort into producing a video once a week where they set the topic for the week and say: for Maths you could look at this, for English you could look at this, for Art you could do this etc etc. Loads and loads of suggestions, they've clearly put a lot of thought and planning into it. My son doesn't engage with any of it. It would need a lot of help from me. I am a keyworker and quite frankly exhausted. Luckily for me he's quite happy to watch the Oak Academy lessons so that's something.

[Literallynoidea]

Thanks so much all, I really appreciate the helpful answers particularly from people in the same boat/teachers. Until you have a bright but lazy teen you have no idea - talk about you can lead a horse to water but cannot make it drink!

In terms of me giving him screen time, he is doing all his work on his laptop via various apps the school have set up, so the screen is IN FRONT OF HIM ALL DAY!

Helpful advice to limit it is no use I'm afraid in this scenario @FishyDuck - we do limit his access to his phone though, and he has much less than you allow your DC as we are really into getting all our DC outdoors, whether it's to go for a run or bike ride or just read a book in the sun. I hate them on their screens which is why it's doing my head in that after I check he's doing his maths, he switches screens to bloody YouTute the second I leave his room!

I have spoken to his tutor who has called him up and set him straight and it appears to have worked wonders, which is excellent. I should have done this much earlier.

So interesting to hear your teacher's POV @TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince - I wonder if it's the same as my son's school. Poor teachers, it can't be easy for them either.

Thankfully I know my son's school is desperate to get everything back to normal asap in September so am keeping my fingers tightly crossed that this is a temporary, albeit bloody long and painful, blip.

[MarshaBradyo]

Op Ds y10 goes to a good school too and the flip I’ve seen in him on return recently was immediate. Back to engaged, happy and learning.

Screen time learning when all the other apps are there is hard. It mounts more screen on top and they lose the will a bit.

Private schools don’t have much time left and September will be different so I don’t think it’s worth moving him fir a couple of weeks. Plus no y10 is fully in class and any private might just have more online classes which he can zone out of.

The good news is when they go back it’s good.

[MarshaBradyo]

Actually yours is y7 maybe they are in class. But still, it’s very short, summer break soon.