Dd1 just started secondary school and she is having a really hard time

[Pleurepaslabouchepleine]

Anyone is same situation ? She is crying every evenings and in the morning too. It's not helped by the fact she got detention last Friday because her tie was not tight enough around her neck :( . Can you please tell me it's going to get better ?

[Lurkedforever1]

Your poor dd. Do you know what it is that's bothering her? Friends, lessons, being naturally a bit anxious etc?

[Lonecatwithkitten]

We haven't even gone back yet (tomorrow) and the tears started last night. I did chat with DD it is all to do with uncertainty with her Dad contributing as he hasn't confirmed which weekends she will be with him.

[charlie0123]

My son was just like this 3 years ago. Crying every morning and night for about 2 weeks. It was horrible and I just wanted to let him stay at home with me! I stayed strong and sent him out every morning. I slowly got better as he made friends, found his way round and got used to it. Joining the football team and finding like minded friends helped - is she into sports or drama or music? Good luck

[Pleurepaslabouchepleine]

The teachers are all mean apparently

[Pleurepaslabouchepleine]

They haven't started the clubs yet..I really have to restrain myself not to tell her to stay ! She is not naturally anxious but the change is a complete shock to her :(

[AuditAngel]

DS is the same. He has gone to a school where he "knows" one girl in a different class. He managed not to cry this morning for the first time, but looked ready to.

I mentioned it to the school yesterday when I had to call about something else.

DS is also lugging around loads of books as they haven't been given lockers yet.

[AuditAngel]

It didn't help when stupid DH asked him if he wanted to swap to the school most of his friends went to.

This is the best school for DS, he just needs to find some friends. I hope that with clubs starting doin things will get easier. Also, he has PE tomorrow, so hopefully they will talk to each other then.

[HeighHoghItsBacktoWorkIGo]

Poor thing! I feel a bit cross that a teacher gave her a detention so early, when she is so little and new for something so petty. It does smack of meanness.

I hope she can find some other children to slot in with. As soon as they have a few familiar, friendly faces it can help a lot. So difficult, if it feels like everyone has fallen into a cosy group already and you are left out. And of course the groups are forming quickly and randomly. It's all pretty superficial at the moment. They won't really know each other till Xmas! Things will shake up.

Meanwhile, I would just tell her you love her, you are proud of her, and to be brave and see herself as the hero of her own story. After all, she is! As they say: It will all be alright in the end, and, if it is not alright, it's not the end!

[charlie0123]

Same with my son auditangel- he only knew one other boy. It's heartbreaking isn't it but honestly in my experience it got better once he started mixing with other boys at clubs and in PE which he loves. Detention in first week is very harsh though - hardly gonna help them settle.

[Pleurepaslabouchepleine]

Detention on day 2 ...Dh and I had a cuddle with her yesterday, and we repeated over and over how much we love her, that she is going to be fine, that she is a good girl etc...seeing her like that really got to us. She turned 11 only in May. This week end we are going to spend it re-organise her bedroom and decorate it. Thank you for posting and sorry your children are going through the same as mine

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Strange reason for the detention but she will weather this. The teachers will loosen up a bit but often look ferocious at the start to show they're not to be messed with. They obviously make a point about wearing uniform and they will probably be hot on remembering textbooks and timetables so make sure she's super organised.

It's a shame she's off to a wobbly start but I'd be more worried if she had said that the other pupils are mean.

A newspaper feature last weekend reminded me of this tip, if she takes a packed lunch put a cheery little message or picture in for her.

[ifonly4]

I think the teachers are trying to get them focussed on what's required and at the moment they don't know who are the ones who'll basically do what they need to and behave well (maybe with the odd slip up) and those who don't care and can't be bothered.

My DD is in Year 10 and they get away with far more than they'd ever have done in the first term. For example she forgot her PE kit and came home for it, making her 10 mins late for school. Told her I'd write and explain it was a one off, to which she replied there are those that are late every day and don't get in trouble so they wouldn't be bothered about her doing it as a one off - she'd have been given detention in Year 7 for that!

Tell you're daughter to hang in there - there's a lot going on that'll settle down - she's trying to find her way around a new school, getting to know different teachers and other children, there's lots more homework, but it does settle down.

[Lurkedforever1]

I agree with pps, it's probably the case the teachers are being stricter to start with to impress the importance of uniform/ behavior/ time keeping etc, and they'll relax it once they feel everyone is towing the line. Which is a massive change to a primary where teachers have often known them for years, and at the least have a colleague that can offer an accurate opinion on a dc.
I think I'd just explain that the teachers have a lot of new children with different personalitys that they don't yet know, and therefore they want to make the rules, and how important it is to follow them, clear right from the start. And as they see kids in general are following them, and get to know kids individually they'll be able to relax a bit. And that she/ you/ the primary teacher might all know that she's not one to ignore uniform rules because she is testing boundaries and plans on ignoring other rules too, but a new teacher doesn't know that. So it's not being mean, it's just being practical, and she shouldn't let that spoil how much she likes the ( insert positives) side of her new school.
Not pleasant for her all the same, but a lot of it is probably the fact it's mentally tiring starting secondary even when they love it. My dd is in her element, it's not physically more tiring for her either, and so far she is absolutely loving everything. But I have noticed she's only done about an hours physical activity at night since she's started, which for her is unusual. A day of being mainly still at primary results in her barely sitting down till bedtime. It can only be due to it being mentally tiring, which in my mind just goes to show how much of an effect the transition itself and the unfamiliarity has on them.
I'm sure your dd will be fine soon but I understand how unpleasant it must be for her and you in the meantime.

[Pleurepaslabouchepleine]

Thank you, you are really helpful ! I have written down some of the things you have advised and will apply.

[MaddyinaPaddy]

if she takes a packed lunch put a cheery little message or picture in for her

Don't do this!! She will be mortified!

[Pleurepaslabouchepleine]

I put a cheery message in her uniform....it's in French, no one will know what is about

[BlueCowWonders]

With mine (now yr 8 and 10) I really cosseted them at first. Lots of time spent checking timetable, PE or tech kit and Homework and really quite strict with bed times and vitamins.
Plenty of time to come for them to learn independence but right now is such a transition that they need loads of help from parents

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Don't do this!! She will be mortified!



Obviously not something babyish or designed to mortify her.

[Lurkedforever1]

Depends on the message and the child really. If you're dc is generally on the less brave/ confident side, a peppa pig lunchbox with a large 'mummy loves her baba princess' right on top might be social death. A small note saying 'hope you've had a good morning' discreetly hidden in an age appropriate lunch bag is different entirely. Especially if the dc is confident with peers and would answer any comments with 'and? Does your mum not hope you have a good day?'

[AuditAngel]

Having spoken to DS's form tutor (I emailed, she called me) I am delighted to say that the tutor buddied DS up with one of the girls, moved a number of people about so DS and his buddy are together, but the move was a bit disguised.

He has now made one friend, tried out for the contemporary choir, been selected to sing at Mass and is going into school tomorrow to help out in the science lab for open day.

Hope your DD us also finding her feet.

[Verbena37]

Giving a detention for not wearing her tie close enough to her collar is ridiculous....a verbal warning yes, then written but detention for something so minor without knowing the child and without a warning (please make sure you have your tie in the proper place please young lady" type thing) is mad.
Poor thing.
Hope realise the negative impact that sort of over discipline can have on a less hardy child.