bullying/really unhappy probably clinically depressed 12 year old dd

[overthemill]

what can I do? I feel that the school don't take us seriously - I myself feel a dread when I contact them yet again about something. Before this school dd was happy, bright, cheerful with oodles of friends. She moved to this school in yr 5 (normal for where we are) and hates it. She simply hates it.

No friends, name calling (really nasty unpleasant stuff) she's not 'allowed' to sit down on bus, at lunch, play in certain games, gets teased cruelly about size of breasts/clothes/name (unusual surname) endlessly always. She is now always unwell, asthma, eczema and is at school less than 50% with genuine health problems which are, I am sure, all stess related. She starts at CAMHs next week with clinical psychologist.

She is bright (school told me too bright for her own good!) and gets good grades always. She doesn't want to do well at subjects now cos people ease her for being a nerd.

What can I do? It seems impossible to move out of catchment but we cant sell our house (have tried). I am at my wits end tbh

[rosar]

YOu are right OP.

Some very old advice - Live well. It is the greatest revenge.

[3littlefrogs]

Please take her out and let her go to the alternative school. Childhood is too short to spend it being miserable.

The current school sounds absolutely crap, the girls sound horrid and the staff sound incompetent.

I took ds1 out of school because of bullying. Best thing I ever did.

[Saracen]

If she can't be persuaded to jump ship, you could decide that as the parent of a "really unhappy probably clinically depressed" child you are going to take matters into your own hands and give her a shove.

One of my friends did that in a similar situation. Her daughter was reluctant to leave the school where she was being badly bullied, because she didn't want to "abandon" a friend who was also being bullied there. The mum removed her daughter from school against her will to home educate her, assuring her that if she wanted to return to school after two terms out, she could go back. Less than a fortnight later, the girl had decided that there was no way she would ever return. Sometimes it is hard to get the right perspective on a situation while still in it.

You might do something similar, insisting that your daughter try the new school but giving her the option to return to the old school after a term or two if she still feels that she must go face up to her former bullies. Once she has had a proper taste of freedom and happiness, I very much doubt she would take you up on the option to go back!

I am a big believer in letting children make decisions about what matters in their lives, but in extreme circumstances parents may have to step in and overrule them.

[BobbyWaring]

Self-harming, anorexia, aggression and bullying are the results of increasing childhood stress, children are under more pressure now than 10 years ago, with testing and exams and family break-up causing the most distress. While most children release the pressure by crying or becoming withdrawn, some pupils self-harm. Some have developed eating disorders, and comments that there are increasing numbers of anorexia cases in schools even in primary schools. Young people face intolerable strain from an education system which cannot stand failure. From an early age, children face the pressure to perform in tests to boost their schools? league tables. Then they take on parental demands to get into their choice of secondary school and later university. They are anxious to fit in with their peers, and then when they don?t fit in, are bullied via text, email and social networking sites. Local services to support distressed children are over-burdened by demand, with some services still not sharing information on cases.

[NotADudeExactly]

overthemill, just wanted to tell you well done for not sticking your head in the sand and doing everything you can to help your dd.

I was that kid a little over a decade ago and, yes, it has affected me massively and continues to do in some ways. Will elaborate if you think it benefits you in any way but I don't wish to hijack.

There is no point in hanging in there in order not to let the bullies win, TBH. IME in a village school like that the best hope a kid has of no longer being a main target is another, even nerdier kid arriving. Or, like my unlucky "successor", a kid who's so fat she can barely walk and therefore, unfortunately for her, definitely not run away from the bullies.

"Too bright for her own good" is a really stupid thing to say, too. Does the school want mediocre pupils?

[overthemill]

thank you all so much. i think she will switch willingly but am giving her a little space before shoving her. yesterday we had to go shopping and we looked at school uniform. she wouldn't let me buy anything in her current school colours! so we got new white socks and left it at that.

also her big brother came home after week away on WE and told her that she should move, that her old school were all a bunch of weirdoes and had a really hard time moving to the upper school (where he is). he told her the new school sounding normal and she should grab the chance to be the exotic new kid. very sweet and in his own way supportive.

will be in touch with schools today.

[menagerie]

Sounds really promising. I'm glad you found somewhere that could take her. Interesting at her brother's school that the intake from her school has a reputation for weirdness. I think head teachers have a lot to answer for, and if the ethos of the school is defensive and non committal about bullying, and disparaging of brightness above the NC average (sounds like our junior school :( ) then it is a bad place for anyone to be. That sort of school breeds aggression in children as they instinctively feel insecure.

[overthemill]

and have overheard dd tell dh that she thinks she will go to the new school. she thinks they are nicer and more fun.

and interestingly, the new school's ofsted isn't as good as the current school. What DO they test???

[BobbyWaring]

Ofsted inspection of maintained schools is unnecessary as it duplicates a range of accountability and support mechanisms locally and nationally and impacts negatively upon both learners and professionals. The stress they put on everyone in schools weakens morale and damages children?s learning and development. The most recent Select Committee report presented compelling evidence that Ofsted?s school inspections should end. A supportive local accountability system focussed on improvement rather than professional humiliation is what is needed.

[overthemill]

all sorted! she moves to new school in september, old school being really snotty reminding me that 'friendship groups are so important at age 12 and let's hope that xxx will be able to form good relationships elsewhere' still no acknowledgement that she's being bullied (they say that the 2 girls deny it and dd isn't forthcoming when they speak to the 3 of them TOGETHER, fgs!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
thanks everyone, really appreciate all the help and advice.

so lovely to see her come out of new school giggling and jolly and begging to go back in the next day.

[aliceliddell]

Definitely - move her out of that school. Even if she's at home and getting slightly incompetent home ed, that will be loads better than being bullied and badly let down by the school. Find a school with good pastoral care and emotional/social education; much more important than SATS test league tables, imo. It's much easier to catch up the academic stuff than to repair the bullying. Good luck!

[menagerie]

Aliceliddell said:
It's much easier to catch up the academic stuff than to repair the bullying


That's such a good point. Never thought of it that way before.