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Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Secondary education

bullying/really unhappy probably clinically depressed 12 year old dd

37 replies

overthemill · 05/07/2011 12:09

what can I do? I feel that the school don't take us seriously - I myself feel a dread when I contact them yet again about something. Before this school dd was happy, bright, cheerful with oodles of friends. She moved to this school in yr 5 (normal for where we are) and hates it. She simply hates it.

No friends, name calling (really nasty unpleasant stuff) she's not 'allowed' to sit down on bus, at lunch, play in certain games, gets teased cruelly about size of breasts/clothes/name (unusual surname) endlessly always. She is now always unwell, asthma, eczema and is at school less than 50% with genuine health problems which are, I am sure, all stess related. She starts at CAMHs next week with clinical psychologist.

She is bright (school told me too bright for her own good!) and gets good grades always. She doesn't want to do well at subjects now cos people ease her for being a nerd.

What can I do? It seems impossible to move out of catchment but we cant sell our house (have tried). I am at my wits end tbh

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menagerie · 18/07/2011 22:48

Aliceliddell said:
It's much easier to catch up the academic stuff than to repair the bullying

That's such a good point. Never thought of it that way before.

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aliceliddell · 18/07/2011 11:58

Definitely - move her out of that school. Even if she's at home and getting slightly incompetent home ed, that will be loads better than being bullied and badly let down by the school. Find a school with good pastoral care and emotional/social education; much more important than SATS test league tables, imo. It's much easier to catch up the academic stuff than to repair the bullying. Good luck!

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overthemill · 18/07/2011 11:41

all sorted! she moves to new school in september, old school being really snotty reminding me that 'friendship groups are so important at age 12 and let's hope that xxx will be able to form good relationships elsewhere' still no acknowledgement that she's being bullied (they say that the 2 girls deny it and dd isn't forthcoming when they speak to the 3 of them TOGETHER, fgs!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
thanks everyone, really appreciate all the help and advice.

so lovely to see her come out of new school giggling and jolly and begging to go back in the next day.

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BobbyWaring · 13/07/2011 00:40

Ofsted inspection of maintained schools is unnecessary as it duplicates a range of accountability and support mechanisms locally and nationally and impacts negatively upon both learners and professionals. The stress they put on everyone in schools weakens morale and damages children?s learning and development. The most recent Select Committee report presented compelling evidence that Ofsted?s school inspections should end. A supportive local accountability system focussed on improvement rather than professional humiliation is what is needed.

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overthemill · 11/07/2011 19:54

and have overheard dd tell dh that she thinks she will go to the new school. she thinks they are nicer and more fun.

and interestingly, the new school's ofsted isn't as good as the current school. What DO they test???

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menagerie · 11/07/2011 12:36

Sounds really promising. I'm glad you found somewhere that could take her. Interesting at her brother's school that the intake from her school has a reputation for weirdness. I think head teachers have a lot to answer for, and if the ethos of the school is defensive and non committal about bullying, and disparaging of brightness above the NC average (sounds like our junior school :( ) then it is a bad place for anyone to be. That sort of school breeds aggression in children as they instinctively feel insecure.

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overthemill · 11/07/2011 11:30

thank you all so much. i think she will switch willingly but am giving her a little space before shoving her. yesterday we had to go shopping and we looked at school uniform. she wouldn't let me buy anything in her current school colours! so we got new white socks and left it at that.

also her big brother came home after week away on WE and told her that she should move, that her old school were all a bunch of weirdoes and had a really hard time moving to the upper school (where he is). he told her the new school sounding normal and she should grab the chance to be the exotic new kid. very sweet and in his own way supportive.

will be in touch with schools today.

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NotADudeExactly · 10/07/2011 23:23

overthemill, just wanted to tell you well done for not sticking your head in the sand and doing everything you can to help your dd.

I was that kid a little over a decade ago and, yes, it has affected me massively and continues to do in some ways. Will elaborate if you think it benefits you in any way but I don't wish to hijack.

There is no point in hanging in there in order not to let the bullies win, TBH. IME in a village school like that the best hope a kid has of no longer being a main target is another, even nerdier kid arriving. Or, like my unlucky "successor", a kid who's so fat she can barely walk and therefore, unfortunately for her, definitely not run away from the bullies.

"Too bright for her own good" is a really stupid thing to say, too. Does the school want mediocre pupils?

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BobbyWaring · 10/07/2011 22:58

Self-harming, anorexia, aggression and bullying are the results of increasing childhood stress, children are under more pressure now than 10 years ago, with testing and exams and family break-up causing the most distress. While most children release the pressure by crying or becoming withdrawn, some pupils self-harm. Some have developed eating disorders, and comments that there are increasing numbers of anorexia cases in schools even in primary schools. Young people face intolerable strain from an education system which cannot stand failure. From an early age, children face the pressure to perform in tests to boost their schools? league tables. Then they take on parental demands to get into their choice of secondary school and later university. They are anxious to fit in with their peers, and then when they don?t fit in, are bullied via text, email and social networking sites. Local services to support distressed children are over-burdened by demand, with some services still not sharing information on cases.

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Saracen · 10/07/2011 22:22

If she can't be persuaded to jump ship, you could decide that as the parent of a "really unhappy probably clinically depressed" child you are going to take matters into your own hands and give her a shove.

One of my friends did that in a similar situation. Her daughter was reluctant to leave the school where she was being badly bullied, because she didn't want to "abandon" a friend who was also being bullied there. The mum removed her daughter from school against her will to home educate her, assuring her that if she wanted to return to school after two terms out, she could go back. Less than a fortnight later, the girl had decided that there was no way she would ever return. Sometimes it is hard to get the right perspective on a situation while still in it.

You might do something similar, insisting that your daughter try the new school but giving her the option to return to the old school after a term or two if she still feels that she must go face up to her former bullies. Once she has had a proper taste of freedom and happiness, I very much doubt she would take you up on the option to go back!

I am a big believer in letting children make decisions about what matters in their lives, but in extreme circumstances parents may have to step in and overrule them.

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3littlefrogs · 10/07/2011 16:25

Please take her out and let her go to the alternative school. Childhood is too short to spend it being miserable.

The current school sounds absolutely crap, the girls sound horrid and the staff sound incompetent.

I took ds1 out of school because of bullying. Best thing I ever did.

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rosar · 10/07/2011 16:02

YOu are right OP.

Some very old advice - Live well. It is the greatest revenge.

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overthemill · 10/07/2011 15:14

wanted to check back in. dd had day at alternative school and she had such a good time - when she came out of school she was a bit quiet to start with but later she was talking 19 to the dozen about it. she has found 4 girls she is now facebooking, she played at lunchtime with loads of people (boys and girls) and loved the breaks too. She thought teachers v strict but kids really nice and is impressed that she could walk there or bike and both are allowed! Talking now about how she doesn't want to 'give in' and change though cos she thinks that way the bullies are winning.
trying to explain that she is more important and walking away isnt failing

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menagerie · 08/07/2011 23:56

Rosar at 'pastorally challenged.'
The girls who called for her might be nice girls who didn't know she was being bullied and are looking out for her. Let's hope so.

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rosar · 08/07/2011 17:46

OP she'll survive and so will you. You are right to intervene, and she'll appreciate it, if not already.

Any school that could not be bothered to foresee the backlash from the other girls coming must be pastorally challenged. Even if they were not vigilant before, they should now keep escalating their procedures, with every incident kept on the girls' records, until it stops or permanent exclusion of the culprits results. It is tiring for you, and other parents, but that's what needed. End of year is no reason for not scheduling challenging interviews with HT and extended detentions for next year. That's what schools with good pastoral support do with bullies.

Your DD has a right to stand tall despite these little-minded bullies. But you are also right to look elsewhere, just in case the school is not up to its job of safeguarding her welfare, or educating their pupils socially.

Hope DD and you have a settled weekend.

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wellwisher · 08/07/2011 14:50

good - hope things get better. Thanks for the update :)

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overthemill · 07/07/2011 21:09

school has seen dd now and girls will get day in isolation on monday. dd is having trial day at new school tomorrow. interestingly she want very impressed, but now is much warmer. and 3 girls came to ask her out to play tonight. odd but good

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overthemill · 06/07/2011 20:56

have just emailed school. 2 more weeks of term to go plus 2 days

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wellwisher · 06/07/2011 20:37

Contact the school again; let them know of this latest development and tell them which one of the girls has been stirring up further trouble. They need to stamp it out.

Your poor DD :( how long until term ends?

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overthemill · 06/07/2011 20:31

oh yes i am fobbed off with deputy head but actually thats good because i can barely conceal my contempt for the head. i used to be a governor...

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 06/07/2011 19:07

Unfortunately many schools fail to acknowledge bullying and complaining parents are seen to be 'hysterical'.Also many schools due to their size will have you fobbed off with deputy heads.

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ThisIsJustASagaNow · 06/07/2011 17:11

God they sound utterly vile

I don't blame you for looking for another school, but in the meantime I'd be requesting an appointment with the head and creating merry hell.

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overthemill · 06/07/2011 16:51

btw, i am so sorry that other children are going through his to - it doesnt make me feel any better - i wish i could just call a halt to it all somehow.

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overthemill · 06/07/2011 16:50

thanks for new comments. dd home now and really pissed off because of the of the 2 girls who got told off has told everybody and now loads more girls have turned on dd because she has got that girl into trouble. oh how i hate girls aged 12! so no one talking to dd today because i have complained and as far as my dd is concerned, teh two girls called in have 'got away with it' and her life is even more of a misery than ever.

going to look at another school next week although dd doesnt want to, i want her to have a lovely yr 8 in prep for important years to come - and because she is lovely and should have friends who value her...

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ThisIsJustASagaNow · 06/07/2011 16:25

I am so so sorry for your dd It's such a sickening feeling.

We've had a small incident recently (dd also 12, quiet, works hard etc so a similar personality). I put my complaint in writing via an urgent Email to the tutor and head of year as I felt I would sound calmer and could say what I expected them to do. Also so that they'd have a written record. They took it seriously and fingers crossed all is much better and dd has received an apology from the girls involved. What is it about some girls of this age though??

Looking on Amazon for info re bullying I noticed there are some really helpful looking books aimed at children, with strategies on how to stand up for yourself and dealing with bullies. I think I'm going to invest in a couple. My dc are lucky in that they've not really run into it before now but on the downside they're not sure quite what to do if/when they do come across it. Could be worth a look for your dd.

I do hope things improve. To have the mother of a bully phone you and back you up is a very good sign. I do hate the implication from the school that she's oversensitive. What an unhelpful thing to say. They should value her. Your dd's good grades can only reflect well on them ultimately; you'd think they'd want to protect an asset like that