Bullying

[HSMM]

My DD is in yr7 and has had a wide circle of friends up until a couple of weeks ago, when she fell out with her best friend. It has blown up out of all proportion and my DD seems to have come off worst. I have asked her form tutor to keep an eye on her, but the names she is being called are awful. Her ex friend is also drumming up support on facebook (yes I know). My DD has an account, run by me, to swap homework notes. Not sure whether I should report bullying to the school, as the only evidence I have is from outside school. Also reporting it could mean she is shunned even more. Obviously I am gaving her lots of support at home, but do you have any ideas how I can help her to love school again? She hates it at the moment.

[cookcleanerchaufferetc]

Bullying online or by text is now an offence and you could report this girl to the police. I would go to the headtacher before half term starts for advice. It may be necessary to print out the comments and how the mother, depends on what type of person she is. Will she care that her daughter is being a bitch and bollock her?

I hope your DD is okay. Good luck.

[HSMM]

Thanks. I have asked her form tutor to keep a watchful eye on her. I managed to get her off to school today, with a pep talk about some coping strategies. She is off facebook now, until I have deleted all these so called friends, so she can't read the disgusting things they are saying about her.

[bruffin]

Do screen prints of the comments

[leiela]

yes take print's of every7thing just incase you need it, schools take online bullying V.seriously atm.

[Tortu]

Oh no, what a shame it's half term. Hope she'll be able to relax and not dread going back.

I don't know if this will be much concilation or not (probably not), but this is extremely, extremely common amongst Year 7 girls. Whilst it has obviously developed into bullying- and at that age school is their world, thus the world has ended- friendship fights amongst that age group are so, so common. It's actually quite difficult to deal with them, because by the time it has been passed to the behavioural team (hmmmm, maybe this is just my comprehensive) and they have managed to contact the girls, the story has often changed anyway. Also, because it can sometimes be just, 'she gave me a look and I knew what she meant' you are often not dealing with much that is concrete, but that may mean a huge amount to the child.

I don't mean to play this down, as I've never seen anybody as devastated by anything (divorce, a husband's affair, death of a close relative) as a Year 7 or 8 girl in the middle of a friendship fight- anybody who says 'school days are the best days of your life' is a complete idiot. However, it may help you to know that this happens to most girls during the course of those two rocky years and it's worth considering what your daughter actually wants. Is she more upset by the bullying, or because she wants to be friends with the girls again?

In terms of the facebook stuff, I have to say I agree with everybody else. Keep the information, print it off as evidence and the school should deal with it properly. Though consider carefully what your daughter wants, as the consequence of what sounds like a very similar incident in our school this year was exclusion for the two Year 7 girls involved.

If you want more information, please PM me as I don't want to share it on an open forum.

[HSMM]

Thanks Tortu. I know this is common at this age. Although I can see it's something and nothing, it is VERY important to her, so I need to respect her feelings. I will take note of what you have all said and print off the comments, some of which have been quite disgusting. Funnily enough, the girl she has the disagreement with has only entered a few minor comments, while their so called friends, who are feeling the need to intervene, are posting dreadful stuff.

I will come back to you if I need any more help. Hopefully she can get a break from it all over half term, with no access to what all these people are saying (and they might get bored if they know she's not there).

[leiela]

The most important thing is not to just let it ride. Talk to your daughter judge how it's affecting her.

As much as it may well be "something over nothing" it can be devistating for her.

My parent's ignored bullying, at least they complained to the school a few times and then figured that was enough.

I was bullied endlessly for about 3 years and it all came to a head when i was found unconcious having tried to kill myself. (and getting blinking close to succeeding) it resulted in 18 months in hospital 1 to treat the physcial effects of what id done and secondly to treat the mental effects of the bullying. I came out of school with no GCSE's as a result and didn't get my first till i was 24.

I'm not saying it will ever get this far ... goodness the fact that you are posting means your already taking it more seriously than my parent's did.

My point is just that when i look back know i realise how stupid and silly it all was, how really i should have just ignored them, told them to go to hell or heck even punch them :P

Honestly now i see how petty it was but back then i thought my life was over that nothing else mattered it was the most devistating thing in the world. school is your world as someone already said and no-one deserves to feel that way and don't for one instant worry about the consiquences for the bullier's ... if they get excluded for it.. good.. its time they learned the consiquences because exclusion is nothing in comparision to being on the reciving end.

Sorry if im ranting ... 35 and i still say 3 years of bullying pretty much ruined 15 years of my life, i only just feel now like im piecing things back together.

[HSMM]

Leiela - Thanks for that. I remember how traumatic my teenage years were, so I am not underestimating the effect this may be having on her.

Something that is very simple for us as adults can be awful for a pre-teen.

I am just trying to make sure that she knows I am there for her and will support her in any way she needs.

[Minx179]

HSMM - be careful with the something or nothing, to your daughter it is all something.

I recall reading a study by Valerie Besag who has investigated bullying between girls, there are significant differences between how boys and girls bully. With bullying between girls being more covert.

You may find this book helpful
www.mcgraw-hill.co.uk/html/0335219829.html

Agree with the others about getting copies of the messages, schools/police are supposed to take cyber bullying seriously.

[HSMM]

Thanks Minx - This is definitely a BIG deal for her.