Should I stay home?!....

[Whattodowhattodowhattodoooo]

Ok, I'll try to keep this simple and short.
I have 3 kids. 2 at school and one baby.
I went back to work a year ago. I've asked for more flexibility which was refused. I have a good job on paper but it is stressful (NHS)
Husband has a good, but poorly paid, public sector job. He's looking for a better paid role, he is on his way to a fairly well paid but he needs to complete his phd.

I feel like I'm permanently split in about a million ways, very much understand this is the norm and would probably persevere with career/ mumming /juggling but I'm finding my middle child's behaviour is becoming more and more challenging. Not sure if it's ADHD which runs in the family and she is far too young for diagnosis/ medication imho....and not sure I would seek this out anyway. I mention this because, my stressful job means my resilience is low furthermore I'm up feeding the youngest sometimes several times a night, making it much harder to cope with my child's aggressive emotional behaviour.

I can start building up a business but I have no time atmo to commit to this because of my job.

I'm aware there are zilch benefits for people like us. Just wondering who other SAHM mums have made this work and what was the deal breaker for you?

Thanks x

Don’t , it will get easier. Build up you pension and retain your earning potential

If you are at home with a baby would you realistically have time to start a business within school hours?

I dispute that you’re entitled to zero benefit with three young children including a baby and one poorly paid income

Or your dh could become a sahd whilst he finishes his phd?

No he can't be a sahd as it's clinical, he'll be working full time as part of his phd.

What’s “poorly paid”?

Do not stay at home.

Definitely not. You’re (understandably) putting short-term stress above your own longterm gains. Think about how you (plural) can make life more bearable right now in the short term. Sympathies, but this will pass. Don’t sacrifice your professional life to it.

This won't be forever - can you try dropping the extra night feeds, everything is so much better after a good sleep

Of course you can stay at home- MN is obsessed with a woman's pension- but for a while until the youngest is in school it may make more sense. But imo ultimately it comes down to the finances. Might help to list them in both scenarios.

How much does he earn? If it is ‘poorly paid’ you probably will be eligible for benefits

I totally see why you want to do it but is it actually a realistic if your DH is by your own admission, poorly paid?

I did. Or rather I got stuck at home when my sector more or less dried up, my eldest had SN, our mortgage rates dropped and DH’s earnings increased.

There are huge downsides to it and if you can keep a hand in, I think you should. It’s easy to imagine how much you can get done if you’re at home but the reality is very different. Time is a slippery thing.

Could you take leave/a sabbatical/career break, or even a few weeks of sick leave and try it out?

Think very carefully about your long term financial security - building up
your pension has to be a very high priority. Is your dh the right kind of person to do this with? If he’s not respecting you enough to pull his weight now, it will get worse.

And are you married? you said ‘husband’ so I assume yes but it can be a turn of phrase too. If you’re not married the risks to you and the dc are far too
high.

@FlounderingFruitcake that's why I'm working! He's not far off a well paid career. Obviously the childrens wellbeing is my priority and I can't see what else I can do ...

Why can’t you go part time?

It seems important to add I'm not the least interested in staying in my current role long term. I'm hoping to take what I've learnt and start up my own business (of which I've done a lot already, just need to launch and find time to see clients)

I'm very much career oriented but I can see how much I'm needed at home right now.

We grew up being told Women Can Have It All, what they really meant was Women Can Have It All To Do.

I don’t know what the solution is.

Is your Dh aware how stressful this is for you? Can you sit with him and brainstorm all sorts of ideas? I know that feeling when you know things will improve, but you have to keep holding on until they do. Sometimes you reach breaking point before that happens.

Can you implement changes, however small they might be that all together help you in any way.

Im thinking of things like dropping housework standards, ready meals if that helps on time. Drop any clubs/sports if the kids don’t mind. Not have a holiday this year and spend the savings on a cleaner or childcare. Whatever you do it’s for a finite time and not forever.

I recently read an article about how British indoor cycling has got so good. They looked at every single aspect of the race, equipment, cyclists, training, diet etc. They did a myriad of things. Each thing only helped by microseconds, but added together they meant the British team started winning races.

Probably the most important thing is your interrupted sleep. Lack of sleep will make everything seem impossible. It may be that your Dh needs to be willing to go above and beyond to help you out at this critical time.

Only you can look at your essential outgoings, see how that stacks up against his current salary plus what benefits you might be entitled to and see if YOU can make it work financially. Because that surely has to be the first point. If you can afford for you to stay home and your job would be easy to go back to in a few years then I’d strongly consider it. I’ve been a SAHM twice but I was an expat trailing spouse for several years so probably not that relevant to your situation.

@Isheabastard completely agree. I've definitely become less controlling around the house and yes we do eat some easy meals ready meals occasionally and this has helped.

He helps to a certain degree but he literally does not have it in him to be appreciative in anyway. He likes to think we are entirely equal so any conversation that highlights the differences between his and my life is taken very badly.

So is he ok with being the only one earning if you quit your job? Can you afford it?

I also wouldn’t base any financial decisions on a business that isn’t off the ground yet and you have to fit in around 3 kids including one with additional needs and an infant. I’d want more certainty especially if money is going to be tight. And then when the business takes off, which I’m sure it will, then it’ll be a lovely massive bonus!

I think we could use the small amount of savings we have which has been earmarked for stuff we need to do round the house. He would rather I work and have the money for new kitchen/ heating system etc. But because of the situation which my child who is, high needs, I would rather use the money to stay home and live in house that is a 1970s throwback!

But it's not like we have loads of savings but we have a little pot, we would have to budget and I think he would resent me.

I have always been a grafter, career minded etc but right now my kids seem to be getting the dregs of two burnt out parents and when you factor in childcare costs and logistics etc it's like.... Wtaf.

@FlounderingFruitcake yes 100 percent.

It is such a dilemma. I left my profession for 5 years when the children were small and I have no regrets about this. I enjoyed it, the whole family was unstressed. There were huge advantages, both for us and for our children.

I was able to return to my profession part-time and then gradually build up. My pension is smaller than it might have been, but I count it a small sacrifice for being able to give the children a good start in a sane unhurried household.

The idea that we can have everything is a myth. There are sacrifices to be made on all sides.

my kids seem to be getting the dregs of two burnt out parents This is what we chose to avoid. I really get how hard this is. We avoided it at a price to my pension. I willingly did this and would not have had it any other way.