Please come and help a decision regarding big move to Devon.

[Karatedoormat]

Hi. thanks for reading. I need another perspective!

Dh and I have friends and family in north Devon. We love it and visit often (not just for tourism iykyim). I have 2 children 6&8.

Their Dad sees them alternate weekends and would be very unhappy with such a large move (3 hours in the car).


Our reasons for wanting to go are as follows:

Children are young enough to adapt to new school
We are a very outdoorsy family - so much for us to do there.
Our wider family don't require us in any practical way at present (may do in the future)
We could have a slightly bigger property and be mortgage free
We're not having any more children so dynamics should be stable
We are both in healthcare and have very stressful (but high earning) jobs.
If we don't have a mortgage we can work more flexibly and at a lower grade - maybe even part time.

I can't see the downsides apart from their dad. Do I really have to consider him in all this?

I think twice a month the dcs would cope with the journey on a Friday night after school then return when they're asleep on the Sunday.


Right any points of view very gratefully received

[Emmalouise2babies]

If you are being 100% honest that your exh has put your kids on the back burner for his new family then I don't see why not. You are being totally reasonable by saying you would do the driving and he shouldn't be able to leave your kids as an after thought yet still control your life.
Here's a question - if it was him would he do it and leave your kids?
And the not taking your kids to their sport activities at the weekends makes him a bit of a tosser

[Karatedoormat]

Sorry trying to keep up with questions.

He currently lives 30 mins away.

I realise that public transport could be tricky as teenagers to see their Dad, however there is a train link and I'd have loved that adventure when I was a teenager.

[Karatedoormat]

I think he has put them on the back burner yes. But I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face.

[user7755]

It is beautiful - I'm very jealous.

[Emmalouise2babies]

You don't have to explain yourself to strangers if that's what you genuinely think. First and foremost you need to think whether this will affect your DC as they get older and realise. Because fort nightly contact when he lives half an hour away is simply not enough, and any good father would want more! I'm speaking from experience here - one of my siblings has been similarly put on the back burner and is clearly not as much a priority as her dads new step kids. And she's starting to notice and refusing to go to her dads now. And they don't seem arsed at all.

[Karatedoormat]

I like hearing strangers points of view. It's interesting (and why I posted).

I know a pp said they'd be livid. I'm trying to put myself in that nrp shoes. However - I cannot imagine not seeing the dcs for 12 day stretches. I just cannot imagine manufacturing my life to see less of my own children, move away and take a different job which is exactly what he has done.

So he may be livid, but then what? It's legal, he'll be pissed off for sure, but then how much has he considered them in his choice of lifestyle. I'm not taking his time away, just geographically.

If it's better for the children he can moan and groan but really is it going to be so awful for him? And if it is, then what's his compromise I wonder.

[Emmalouise2babies]

Well exactly. If he said he wanted more contact would he simply be doing it to control your life and it taper off after you deciding to stay?
I certainly wouldn't give up a mortgage free life to satisfy a part time father who didn't consider my children his number one priority.
Harsh but true, your kids deserve to be number one in his life and if they're not well to be frank fuck him

[Snog]

Is there a compromise to be mortgage free but within 1 hour of exdh?

[tilder]

Sorry op. I used the word livid. It's how I would feel but doesn't.necessarily mean that someone else would feel that.

I guess it boils down to the kind of life you and your kids want plus what sort of relationship you and they want to have with their father. These things do require compromise. It doesn't seem fair if the compromise is all one sided but then life isn't fair.

The distance will change things. It's whether that change is important or matters more than the gain. I can't answer that for you. I have seen it happen and the nrp becomes less and less part of the kids lives.

BTW, bit of a tangent, have you checked out schools?

[Shockers]

If there are train links for when they're older, I would go for it.

Their quality of life will improve, plus you've said that you will take on the lion's share of the driving.

We moved to a rural location with ours (no exH complications though) and went back in time. Our children spend their summer days playing in the river. There are fantastic bike rides and walks from our door. Best of all, it's a place where children, and teenagers are encouraged to be community minded.

The way I see it, is that the benefits would outweigh the fortnightly faff of getting them to their father.

[ivykaty44]

I can't see how you can move Devon cloer..!

I sent to travel from Midlands to bideford fm age of twelve, on the coach, it a problem and easy to do and there are tll coaches now. Chang at Bristol.

The M5 is a nightmare on changeover day round Bristol Friday nights will also be pretty hellish with traffic on returned journey.

You CNT ave foureople living there life round one person who is luke warm about visitation. Skype, phone call, email etc a all be used by I doubt they would be year after a move to Devon

[ivykaty44]

On a practicle note souh west isn't the idilic dream for all teens. Be aware that there is a strong drug culture in this area, and consequently many jobs in the rehabilitation sector....

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

My step brother has lived 4 hours away from his dad since he was a small child. He's always had a good relationship with his dad. As a teenager he didn't see him as often as once a fortnight as he wanted to stay in his home town with his mates more. But he kept in touch by Skype, emails....and he always spent a few weeks in the summer with him and often xmas as well.

Moving probably will affect their relationship with their dad. But then he has already made the decision to only see them once a fortnight. It's not as if he's having them every other weekend and in the week. So he isn't prioritising them currently. As they will continue to see him the same for now then I would say go for it. If they choose not to see him as often when they're older that's their choice and it's tough for him. Maybe he will then reflect that if he had wanted to see them more when they were younger he wouldn't be in such a situation.

[WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman]

I live in South Devon and XH lives 3.5 hours away. The difference with us is that he was the one who moved away but he still has the nerve to get pissed off with me about the distance
Contact is a pain. DD is 5 and she hates the long journeys. She has a Friday-Sunday weekend with him once or twice either side of half term and we meet half way. The M5 at Bristol is a bugger so we do the A303 which, during autumn/winter has been fine but I anticipate much worse traffic as we head into spring and summer. Obviously she gets longer with him during school holidays.

I love Devon and generally say I wouldn't live anywhere else, but I do find it difficult having to travel so far to get anywhere. It takes two hours just to get to Bristol 😣

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

But twelve hours driving for you every other weekend will be shit.

[midnightlurker]

Find jobs first. Then move. Where the population is smaller, there are fewer jobs available.

[FrankUnderwoodsWife]

I would say if you want to move, and it would improve the quality of your life, and the children's then go.

Their father can have them for long stretches during the school holidays. I assume he gets 5 weeks off, so can have them for that length of time.

I'm also with you, their nr parent has decided to only see them twice a month, and then won't fulfil his obligations as a father by taking them to their activities, despite living relatively close by. His new family are his priority, not his past one. That makes me so sad for them and you.

I also admire the fact you've said you'll drive them to him and collect them also. I disagree with this, and think you shouldn't share, so one collects and one drops off. Or you meet somewhere 1/2 way.

[FrankUnderwoodsWife]

Sorry, that should say -should share the driving on the weekends he sees the children

[WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman]

Sorry, I realise my post sounds very negative
If you can find a way to make it work financially, with everyone on board happy with house and schools then there's no reason you shouldn't go for it. But don't go into it believing you'll be able to keep up with the current contact arrangements. It really is exhausting and I resent the amount of traveling I end up doing (and that's not even eow)

[tokoloshe2015]

M5 is a nightmare Friday afternoon/Sunday afternoon. Having said that, it's heavier with people going too the SW for the weekend.

Rural areas can be incredibly isolated, especially for teenagers. There were hardly any girls within 5 years of my age in cycling range where I grew up (a number of boys, just one of those random things).

There can be a huge resentment against 'posh' (ha! My parents are teachers, and that counted as 'posh') incomers.

Against that, amazing memories of ranging around splashing in streams, climbing trees, and evenings round the fire playing games and reading books.

But that commute is a bu**er...

[tokoloshe2015]

The reality is, contact would tail off

[Karatedoormat]

Thanks all. Due to the availability of our profession and equity release we're not massively worried about that aspect.

Interesting about the commutes.

I have done it quite a bit and yes Friday is a nightmare.

I have cousins who are teenagers (and beyond). Boys and girls. I have discussed their lifestyle with them, and how it is to grow up there. It was fairly positive- rugby, windsurfing etc.

[Karatedoormat]

We're going to go exploring this week. I think Taunton looks less daunting for distance. Reduces it to 2 HR commute.

We'd be 30 mins from sea.

We could still get the decent house and come out with some change (sorry if I sound boastful).

We have family there too.

Schools would need further investigation but my kids are pretty average so hopefully shouldn't be a massive deal breaker.

[m0therofdragons]

Just avoid Bridgwater. Happy hunting!

[CurlsLDN]

Hello, we recently moved to North Devon.
Schools and outdoors life are fab, though I really struggle to find rainy day things to do.

On paper (or Google maps) It's a 3.5 hr drive from our old home to our new one, we can either go m4/m5 or a303. However both routes regularly have terrible traffic, so I'd say 9 times out of 10 the drive takes at least five hours each , often longer sitting in almost stationary traffic. Sorry to be negative, but it's worth knowing that those roads are particularly sticky, and it would be many many hours over the course of a year sitting in a car for the kids