I ask because the latter is how dh makes me feel, especially at the weekends. There is a teacher at my dcs school that I have a crush on (and I suspect I am not the only one) whose biggest attraction (though I know him only a little) I think is that he is accepting. Of course as my dd's teacher he is not going to turn around and criticise me, but in general he is kind to everybody.
It's probably wrong of me to compare dh and object of crush on to whom I can project a lot of good qualities, but I spend most weekends fantasizing about leaving dh and sinking into powerlessness and apathy. I have an issue with being chaotic - some rooms are in a mess and there is a lot of sorting out to do in the house. Almost every weekend dh will make comment after comment to me which vary in nastiness from very to just being very negative, to the point that I then sink back in to myself and become a shadow of my real self. I used to argue back a lot but there is little point in doing that because the argument then escalates. I then feel like I lose the will to do anything because dh (while justified in finding the place somewhat messy) will ALWAYS find something to complain about. In the middle of the day yesterday I spoke to one of my "mum" friends to whom I generally only speak to during the week and felt a lot better for a while, and it's then that I realise that everything would be so much easier and more positive if dh weren't such a negative critical character .
During the week, conversely, we get on alright, both going about our business and talking to each other mainly about what the kids have been doing.
There is a lot I want to change both about the way things happen at home, routines set up with the kids (of whom there are three, they are 4, 6 and 8) - for example how much tv we all watch, and myself (I'm 41 and feel as if I look it!, need to lose a little weight, sort my hair out, get my teeth straightened (been wonky for years and wonder why I don't just do something about it if it bothers me so much)).... but more than anything I want to feel happy. I don't know how other people feel in their marriages, I'm sure they don't all feel excited all the time as you do when somebody you find attractive is around, but I'm sure a lot of people don't feel as I do that they need to do a million and one things better in order to be ok. To be honest I'm fed up with it. So when dd's teacher is around and I get this feeling that how I am is enough or even interesting, then I realise that that is how I want to feel in my or a marriage, not how I feel now.
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Do you feel "good enough" or just permanently in need of improvement?
11 replies
arabella2 · 27/06/2010 08:29
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