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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

Relationships

What to do - is this wrong? Help please

44 replies

wrongORright · 09/08/2005 17:11

have chnged my name for this one, but am a regular. For 18 months now I have been in regular text and email contact with an old, and very fanciable, ex colleague of mine. We exchange 10-20 mails/txt per week and talk about general stuff, sometimes with a little innuendo thrown in! I do sometimes bump into him at the gym and we just exchange hello and how are you. Today, I had a meeting where he works(Total coincidence - its a big place) and we met for a short lunch afterwards. This was in his staff canteen so there was nothing sneaky about it. We chatted and laughed cos we do get on very well. Then off I went and so did he, after a chaste peck on the cheek.

Now I am left feeling very frustrated and confused as to what he wants from me. We get on very well and the chemistry is there, but neither off us gave any sort of signal to the other today.

I would also add that we are both very happily married, but is it so very wrong to get an ego boost about being fancied by someone else? If indeed, he still feels that way about me (if he doesn't, why does he continue the texts)

I know there was an attraction 3 yrs ago as we both got drunk at a ball and ended up in a bedroom together - but I stopped it after just kissing him. I know this might seem very self indulgent but I just dunno what to do. Should the contact continue, or should I just ask him why we have any contact at all? Thanks for reading this.

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desperatehousewife · 09/08/2005 17:14

personally i'd knock it on the head now if you really are happily married. Someone will end up getting desperately hurt.

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nikcola · 09/08/2005 17:15

how would you feel if dp was doing this with a woman ?

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hercules · 09/08/2005 17:15

If you are both so happily married then why the need to do this? You know it's wrong as if it was right you'd be telling your dh.

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Mum2girls · 09/08/2005 17:17

It is self-indulgent and you should stop unless you want to risk your marriage.

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nutcracker · 09/08/2005 17:17

I think it depends on how sure you are that you won't take it any further.

IMO if flirting is as far as it is going to go then there is nothing wrong with that, a good flirt is a good ego boost.

However if you think you don't trust yourself not to take it further then you need to stop now.

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robinia · 09/08/2005 17:17

Depends if you think you can keep it as just an ego-boost or if deep down you'd like it to go further. Ditto him.

Also depends if your dh knows and if he doesn't, how you think he'd react if he found out.

If you ask him why you have contact then you could be playing a whole new ball game. Do you really want that?

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Mum2girls · 09/08/2005 17:18

Do you honestly expect many 'yes, bollocks to the marriages at stake, go ahead and have a good time' responses?

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hercules · 09/08/2005 17:19

It sounds as if you want there to be chemistry between you but to what purpose? PErhaps you need to examine your relatinship with your own dh and see how you can bring back some chemistry to that.

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MascaraOHara · 09/08/2005 17:24

sorry but I think it's wrong and you should stop. I would feel VERY betrayed if I found my dp doing that.

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ninah · 09/08/2005 17:25

Yes!

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Kayleigh · 09/08/2005 17:26

It's wrong, wrong, wrong. And if you don't stop it now it will all end in tears.

Feel even more strongly strongly about this today than usual having watched the film "Unfaithful" last night.

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wrongORright · 09/08/2005 17:29

I suppose I asked for a lot of that. The thing is, it really is only flirting and I can't imagine i'd ever take it further. I suppose, if I'm really honest, I want to know how interested he really is, just for my ego. He's a very cool customer, and I know his marriage was in trouble 5yrs ago. As far as I'm aware, its good now. My marriage is rock solid and we have a good sex life, but after 22 yrs together,it's very flattering to have interest from someone else! Dh and I met when we were 18.

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MABS · 09/08/2005 17:48

Controversial attitude I know....but is it really so wrong if nothing happens. Are texts so very bad? I would hasten to add that I have no experience of this so really shouldn't comment.

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madmarchhare · 09/08/2005 17:50

turn it round, would you like it?

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FairyMum · 09/08/2005 17:53

IMO it's nothing wrong with flirting as long as nothing else happens. I personally think a fling can happen too and it's okey as long as you don't become a serial-flinger. I am a real flirt myself and so is my DH. we both knew we married flirters when we got married and none of us are jealous.

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Tommy · 09/08/2005 17:55

I think I agree with the others I'm afraid! If it's innocent then you should tell your DH, if you don't want to tell DH then it suggests that it's not innocent so I should knowck it on the head.
Not worth chucking 22 years of a rock solid marriage down the drain for.

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MABS · 09/08/2005 18:09

I suppose the bit that would worry me more when i re -read the post is that you nearly ended up in bed with this guy?! (if i read it right) Does anyone else think that there must be chemisty there if you are honest? surely he must fancy you or why did he waste his time today!!?? Anyway, only my thoughts - sorry.

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lilibet · 09/08/2005 18:12

My basic instinct is don't do anything that you wouldn't do if your dh was there!!

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MABS · 09/08/2005 18:31

good advice lilibet

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lilibet · 09/08/2005 18:36

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MABS · 13/08/2005 21:05

just wondered what you had decided wrongORright?

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beetroot · 13/08/2005 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MABS · 06/10/2005 08:20

I am interested to know if there is any update on this one at all WrongOright? I ask because my dearest friend is doing a very similar thing- texting an old male friend. There was chemistry between them ages ago (she and he have both been happily married for 10 yrs)but she assures me its platonic now.

Up til recently they were just texting but now she meets him for lunch every 5/6 wks. They meet in the centre of town so there's no secrecy and they just chat but it really worries me!! I'm the only one who knows about it and I totally trust her that nothing at all has happened, but surely he must want more??!! neither of their partners know about it. Do you agree that i should be worried , or am I overreacting? Have also posted on the 'can men and women be friends' thread! thanks (BTW _It's NOT me !)

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LadyGuinevereofCAMelot · 06/10/2005 08:38

These things have a habit of developing....stop it now if you don't want any developments

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MABS · 06/10/2005 08:42

It really is NOT me, but it is my bestest friend!! I know too many people on MN in RL to post this for myself- would have had to change my name

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