His depression is back

[PeachyClair]

After only a break of three months, my DH is showing all the signs of depression again . it seems that every slight bump in the road he catapaults into this deep dark place where he lives in a mist of self pity and lame anger at everyone else.

I can see what is triggering it- he is exhausting himself by trying to set up a business. I know he wants to do this for a living, but he is working full time as well and he is fragile at the best of times (which this isn't, as we have had a lot of changes lately, what with the move and everything). And besides, he has done all the inland revenue stuff, but he won't take that side seriously (insurance and all that- apparently they are 'getting' at him at work but it's his paranoia, I just know it).

last time this happened, and the one before, he walked out of his job and left us without any money. This business isn't really viable yet and I can't face all this again, we have lost two houses before (one owned, one rented) and I just can't do it again!

I don't know what to do to help him. He won't take anti-d's, he did but they made him ill and he won't try any others. i can't go because I have no cash (literally ot apenny), and he wouldn't believe me if I said it anyway. I have no-one to go to, either. We haven't lived here long. And anyway, i don't want to blow my chance to go to Uni next month, I have waited 16 years for the chance.

I DO love him, but he is such hard work, and I am exhausted! He is like a child in so many ways- with money (he is always wondering where it all went, but he is the only one with access), and he can't seem to deal with anything himself any more. I have enough on my plate with my three, especially as Sam picks up on his moods and it worsens his Aspergers.

right now I don't know if he went to work (he tried to call in sick, saying the car had broken down, but they sent a van for him), if he wandering the village or what? He has tried to kill himself in the past.

Don't know what to do any more. He's a good husband, father, man when he is OK, but that is less and less. But I promised in sickness and in health, didn't I?

I can't talk to him coz his paranoia kicks in and I am 'getting at him' if I suggest he rests / looks for another job / talks to his boss - all come under the heading of 'ways to stop me doing the business' in his head at the moment.

I'm scared. I don't want to lose him, but sometimes he needs to be in the care of someone who can help him. If I told him that though, I would lose him forever- TBH i I think he'd top himself. He's certainly do this thing he does where he walks out saying he will.

help

[PeachyClair]

bump? Don't have anyone else to talk to, all y friends think he is a 'leper'

[weesaidie]

Hi Peachyclair

No experience of this myself as a single mum but I wanted to say this sounds terrible for you, and him too.

I know I would be horribly impatient and irritated and you seem to be coping so well! No wonder it is getting you down after so much upheaval!

Has he had or is he interested in counselling? Do you think this would help?

Do you think he wants to get out of it? I always thought that with things like these you had to really want to help yourself (making it extra difficult for the partner!).

I think I would want to talk to him and spell out how awful you are feeling. After all it is clearly affecting you a lot too. He needs to make an effort to get better, I know the anti-ds made him ill but couldn't he try some others?

My mum was depressed for a long time and I think this was a large contributor towards my parents break up. I think prozac helped in her in the end but it was too late and then when they broke up she was very depressed again!

I hope you can sort something out.

{{{{hugs}}}}

[PeachyClair]

He was on the counselling waiting list back home, but won't go back on it. I had a 'mini breakdown' last week, and he was OK for a day or two (I was really, really crying- not something I do a lot) but now he says I am trying to make him worse, I am scared to push it, I know the accusations that come next.

DS 2 and 3 really want him to be happy, they love him to bits- TBH (and I have never said this to ANYONE before) DS1 keeps asking if we can get a new Dad. He does shout a lot, i guess: he's always at the top of his stress range.

He doesn't see the need for anti-d's or help, he thinks it is everyone elses fault: work are getting at him (they are doing the more complex stuff at the me- I think that they are looking after him as best they can), I'm nagging / just after him for his money (where is it? Coz I ahven't seen it!), MIL doesn't care a jot, FIL does but is too wrapped up with his fiancee just now and miles away anyway. I asked him earlier to get help, he started shaking and said whya re you doing this to me? over and over again.


I AM strong, but I can't do this forever, is this all my life is going to be?

[weesaidie]

Oh this must be hell for you! I wish I could give some better advice!

You shouldn't have to put up with it or get the blame and he should get help from the sounds of it but so tough if he cannot accept that.

I don't think anyone could put up with that forever. He needs to see that. Surely he doesn't want to put up with it forever either??

It must be awful for your kids too, does he realise that?

Sorry if I sound harsh on your dh but it would be driving me up the wall!

[Fio2]

has your H got aspergers too? has that ever been a possibility?

sound like hideous situation for you both to be in tbh

[PeachyClair]

He did get to work, which is one thing. I was scared he was in a ditch somewhere!

I suggested he get help, but apparently it's all my fault, for expressing concern about the number of hours he is working (about 100 last week).

Half the problem is I feel really stupid for loving him. And I feel bad because I worry that the kids will pick up on it and I know boys are more likely to get depression themselves if they see their dads with it. But (apart from the loving him bit), I don't think I could cope with DS1 and his AS on my own, 24 hours a day, I honestly don't even know the first name of a single perosn within fifty miles!

Seems there are all these threads 'I want to leave my DH', etc, yet I feel bad coz I DON'T want to!

[Flossam]

PC, for the sake of my relationship I have to get off MN, but I will come on first thing and see if I can find anyway of helping you, you have been great with me, I want to do the same for you, you're a sweetie. Try and have a good nights sleep, both of you. xxx

[PeachyClair]

I got him to take that test for Aspergers (note: career plans involve spending next fifty years alone in a shed making complicated circuit thingamajigs no-one else understands). He came out deffo not AS, but none of his answers rang true to me TBH. His brother certainly exhibits signs of AS.

I confess that I came within weeks of marrying someone I know now had V V severe AS, so it would seem I am attracted to the type.

And yes, I know it's not good for the kids. But he genuinely does not get how it could affect them.

[PeachyClair]

Thanks Flossam.

he's at work until 8am, then he has to get back again- he hasn't got the car so he ahs to wait for a lift (he works for TNT though, should be OK).

I wonder if nights affect depressives?

[marthamoo]

PeachyClair - it sounds dreadful, you poor thing, what a nightmare. Have you tried ringing Sane here ? They may have some ideas for you. It's so hard - he obviously needs help but part of his illness is that he refuses to acknowledge that. There are so many different anti-depressants he could try - how frustrating that having had a negative reaction to one he refuses to try again.

I seem to remember reading somewhere that people who work unsociable hours are more prone to depression - it affects your Circadian rhythms (also more likely to have accidents, heart attacks etc.)

You really can't go on like this - you have enough on your plate. I don't know what I'd do - well I think I'd be making ultimatums but he's not my dh and he's obviously under a great deal of pressure already.

It won't help much but he really can't help it - he's ill. I've suffered severe depression and on some level knew how unhappy I was making those around me but just couldn't lift myself out of it - you can't, you need help to do that, medication or therapy.

I wish I could give you an idea of what to do - best of luck.

[steffee]

I don't know what to suggest. It must be hard for you because you love him and therefore don't want to leave which is understandable, but you have to think of yourself too. If he is depressed and won't get help, how long are you all expected to put up with this? What about your uni course (seen you on the student page so I know how excited you are)? I'm being very unsympathetic, I'm sorry. I just have a philosophy where if they help themselves, good and we can help, but if not, we can't be expected to hold them up from the shoelaces forever.

Also, I hope I don't offend you (further) but if you think you'd be in any danger, you do need to leave, if only for a bit.

[PeachyClair]

Thanks all, no I am not in danger, he shouts a lot and accuses, but that's it.

I understand what you are all saying-thanks Steffee, I'm not good with sympathy- and know I can't change things but I am so used to coping!. My Mum and Dad both had depression when I was growing up, so i've been 'coping' with this sort of thing since I was ten.

Thing is, if he came home and said he's walked out, I'd be on the phone, get the money sorted, etc, but when he does this I can't do anything. I'm a bit TOO pragmatic and practical really- I am a do-er.

Yes, I am excited about the Uni course. I'm scared this new business stuff will jeopardize that, I supported him enough since we got married, this is suppoed to be MY big chance!

And issuing ultimatums is useless, he would ignore me. We went through a bad patch years ago (my fault that was), and I tried to chuck him out many times, he never went, that's what saved our marriage at the time.

I know there isn'r really ANYTHING I can do, it just feels really lonely right now! I don't want to tell Mum coz she's really just get on with it, and my Sister- let's just say, she ain't nice!

[steffee]

I'm logical rather than emotional too, and I think it's probably just as well that one of you can keep your head above water. Couldn't you suggest a short break for your dh? Give him a chance to relax for a bit, and give you a break too. Do you work? Would you be able to support him for the next 6 weeks or so to let him leave and work on his business? Is there any way you could help with the business - probably not the actual electronics bit unless you know how they work, but what about advertising/answering the phone or whatever needs doing... it might bring you both together doing something and ease the weight off his mind a bit (I know how you feel a bit, my dh is not depressed, just useless and it's always me that has to come up with solutions to our problems)

[PeachyClair]

I could do the electronics actually! Sad huh? he taught me. But the stuff he is doing is above degree level, so not my level! I do my best with ophones etc, but really it's all quotes for built to spec lighting controls, so can't do a lot.

No, don't work, did but was at college last year, and with an SN child and two more (5, 4 and 2) that was enough!. I keep offering to get a job, but he doesn't want me to.

We're off camping Friday. I am really looking forwards, but we won't have much to spend until Monday (payday- our car blew up earlier this onth and cost a fortune, which is what triggered this depression along with the tireedness). Won't bother me particularly but DH likes to have his cash. REALLY hoping it will help though!

[steffee]

Oh yeah, I think the camping trip will do you both the world of good, and you don't really need a lot of money for camping - a few tins of hotdogs and some teabags lol

I really hope it helps sort a lot out.

The electronics stuff went straight over my head, sorry lol

[Flossam]

PC, I've made it back but I don't think I can be of any help at all! TBH, your DH sounds like he's very very low. It sounds like he has an external locus of control (Ie everything is always everyone else fault). This in itself makes people unhappy. I think it would be an idea to phone up some of the helplines and see if they have any advice.

Drastic as it sounds, if you really believe he is at risk of comitting suicide, you could always call the GP and state this - your DH would be less likely to have to involve himself in getting treatment then, he would be monitored at the very least, and if they really do believe him to be at risk section him. I know this wouldn't be what you want, but they section people if they are a risk to themselves as well as others. And then he would be safe.

Don't think I have helped at all. So sorry you have dealing with this at the moment. I hope things start to work out for you soon. xx

[Easy]

PC,

I'm so sorry for you, My father was a chronic depressive for most of my life, I know how hard it is to deal with. Furthermore, my dh suffered a bout of depression about 4 years ago.

When I realised how far downhill dh was sliding, I went to see our doctor (are you registered with the same practise as your DH). Whilst Dr is not allowed to openly discuss your dh with you, you can express your concerns, explain what effect it is having on you (and the kids) and ask if Dr can give YOU any help in dealing with this. The effect is that it puts the Dr in the picture, so that when you can pursuade dh to go to the Dr's (I sent mine for something very minor, definately didn't mention him seeing the Doc for depression) the GP can draw it out, and hopefully put the idea of some treatment into dh's head.

I recognise that part of the problem is that you are soo close to the situation, and you are the last person dh will listen to. Does he have any friends or relatives who opinion he might listen to? Can you bring them in when he is at his most low (my father used to lie in bed for days, staring at the ceiling, or have shivering crying fits), to point out that life can't continue like this.

Depression is a very selfish illness. You won't get dh to see how this affects you and the kids, because to a depressive he is all that matters.

I don't suppose saying any of this helps, but maybe seeing your GP may give you some options.

Finally (for now) when you need someone to talk to, ring the samaritans. They offer a sympathetic ear, without judging you or your DH, and may be able to point you in the direction of some local resources to help you. My mother spent a few hours on the phone to them, usually in the middle of the night, instead of lying awake worrying to herself. It helped to keep her sane.

My love to you.

I'll log in tonight to see if I can offer any support.

[Fio2]

not trying to make light of things but my H is an electronics designer and dont you think they are all, erm erm errrmmm a bit weird >?

as for his depression, he will have to see the GP, it so tricky thoiugh as you cannot ring the dr for them they have toa dmit theirselves

[PeachyClair]

Yes, Fio2, I do!!!!!

Dh is designing mainly lighting / electronics control units. DJ's, that sort of thing.

Thanks everyone. Feeling much better today- DH has agreed that if he still feels like this fater our holiday, then he will go get some more anti-d's.

[Easy]

PeachyClaire

If you can, do try to see the GP before DH does, so that you can explain how bad it is.

My dh would have seriously played down the depression when he went, where as the DR already knew the extent of the problem.

[PeachyClair]

Thanks for the advice, in the past I always went WITH him, as otherwise the paranoia made him believe I was saying what I wasn't really, IYSWIM.

He listened seriously to my theory that work wasn't alienating him, they were protecting him, that seemed to make him think a bit

[Easy]

Dh has never allowed me to go to the Dr's with him.

To this day he doesn't know that I had been to the Dr about him. At the time his paranoia would have off, and I've never told him, in case it ever recurs and I have to use the same methods again.